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I wipe my slick palms against the thigh of my jeans, gnawing nervously on my thumb’s shredded hang nail. I slide my laptop over and pace. Force myself to stop. Then pace some more. I check the time on the wall clock. I check the time on my watch. I check the time on my phone. I sit back down, slide my laptop over, hit refresh.
I am waiting for the proverbial poop to hit the fan.
Why?
I’ve just done something I never thought I’d do. Again.
I changed my relationship status on Facebook to “Engaged”.
In a world of social media and worldwide gossip, neighbours no longer need to walk three miles to gossip about the love life of the local widow. They can simply spy through the blinds across the street or stalk her house at all hours of the night pretending they were “just stopping by to say hi”. Or better yet, they sit in the comfort of their own home, surf the web, and hunt you through your status updates and Facebook photos you get tagged in.
In an effort to save everyone the trouble (not to mention the awkward moments when I bust you peering through my kitchen window at the back of my house), I’ve decided to put it all out there for everyone to see.
Yes, I am dating again.
Yes, he sleeps over.
Yes, that was us in the Dominican, frolicking on the beach.
Yes, he asked me to marry him.
While I’d like to believe the best in everyone, that they are merely looking out for me, I am not so naive. I do know, however, that the gossips will gossip and that while I am a grown woman who answers only to me, it is sometimes less work to be blunt.
So for all of you aching to know and just too socially conscious, respectful, kind, scared to ask, I will now attempt to answer all those taboo questions with as much honesty as I can muster.
What’s it like to date again after you are widowed?
Awkward. Super awkward. Like many widows out there, I was out of the dating game for a long, long time. And, to be frank, I had zero interest in ever being in it again. I met my late husband, Craig, when I was just 15. We’d been together our entire lives. I bypassed the entire “dating” phase of life and essentially went straight from high school to married so learning to cope with members of the opposite sex in a dating situation was beyond my comprehension at first. I fumbled, made some mistakes, and, yes, had some fun too. In the end, it took some time and some sexy new bras to get me enjoying it instead of dreading it.
Don’t you think it’s kind of soon to start dating?
This is probably the question every widow will hear some variation of at some point or another. Either that or “don’t you think it’s about time you started to date?” The point here is that everyone out there, especially those who don’t know what they are talking about, has an opinion on this. Ultimately, every widow is different and the only person whose opinion matters is her own. Some widows are comfortable dating as early as a month or two out, others wait years, and some never date again at all. This is a personal choice that each widow must make for herself. I did sweat a little over starting to date after only a couple months. Not because I didn’t feel ready, but because I was sick with worry over what others might think. In the end it was the right choice for me. A very wise widow once told me, “I fulfilled every marriage vow right until death do us part – can others say the same?” Whenever I got flack from outsiders, I would silently chant this to myself. Mostly to keep from yelling it at them.
Did your in-laws freak out about you dating?
Surprisingly, no, they did not. In fact, they were pretty cool about it. I was very up front with them and told them how I felt and what was going on. Of course I waited several months to make sure it was more of a serious relationship before I opened up to them. I also brought up the general topic of potentially dating and shared with them how I felt several times leading up to the big announcement. When I did tell them, I opted for a well thought out email rather than telling them in person so they could digest it without having to worry about me seeing how they reacted. They even made the time to meet the new boyfriend and have dinner with us. Every situation is different and I would emphasize that not all in-laws are the same. Having kids can add a whole other dimension to this one and since Craig and I didn’t have any, I can’t speak to that situation directly.
What did you do with all of your husband’s stuff?
At first, nothing. I left the pictures up all over the house, I kept his wedding ring in my jewellery box, I carried his love letters in my purse. To me, this was a part of my life and part of who I was (and still am). Why should I have to change that for someone else? For some reason, my boyfriend wasn’t too bothered and months later as things began to get more serious I began to phase some of my late husband’s things out of obvious display, more out of respect for my new boyfriend than anything else. My new boyfriend is now my new husband and I don’t keep pictures of Craig up in our new home except for one in my office, tucked beside my computer monitor where I do my writing. I still kept some of Craig’s clothes (now integrated into my own wardrobe) and several boxes of his awards, comic books, and other memorabilia. These live in my office closet where I can take them out and look at them whenever I feel the need.
Did you take your wedding rings off before you started dating?
No. Not quite. I took off my wedding rings many times over. Somehow they always ended up finding their way back onto my left hand. I loved them so much it was beyond painful to lock them away in a jewellery box where I’d never see them, never get to enjoy them for what they were – a beautiful gift from my loving husband. It took me months and months to remove them permanently and in the end I opted to have them remade into a custom ring I could wear on my right hand so I’d always have that little piece of who I was before to carry with me as who I am now.
Have you ever called him by your late husband’s name?
Only once, entirely by accident. And not for anything special – just asking him to bring the laundry upstairs. Hey, it happens. Fortunately he had a good sense of humour about it (and a short memory). This was always a big fear of mine, something I sweated about for weeks leading up to our wedding. I envisioned all sorts of horrible scenarios in front of a church full of people, melting into a gooey puddle of shame after blurting out the wrong name (instead I called myself by my new husband’s name… which was funny and only slightly less embarrassing). Sadly, the name switch up is just part of being widowed. You can’t love someone all your life, whispering their name out loud and in your thoughts a thousand times a day without inevitably letting it slip out. It happens. It did, however, make me more forgiving of my poor mother who was constantly trying to keep her five kids’ names straight.
Do you ever think about your husband when you are with him?
Not during very private moments, if that is what you are getting at. Before I started dating that was something I did worry about though. Sometimes my new husband says the odd thing that will remind me of Craig or I’ll hear a song on the radio while we are driving in the car that will make me tear up. Fact is, my new husband is my shoulder to cry on and the one I’ve vented to, talked to, and poured my heart out to through this whole ordeal so the subject of widowhood and my late husband is one we are both comfortable with. If he wasn’t ok with it, I doubt we’d have lasted long at all.
Do you now feel like everything happens for a reason?
No, and this is probably my least favorite question. It actually makes my skin crawl whenever somebody asks this one. It’s as though they are saying, maybe your husband died so that you could meet this new man and live happily ever after. Here’s the thing. And let me say this as carefully as possible. I was living happily ever after before. I loved Craig. We were going to spend the rest of our lives together, have babies, and eventually sit on our rockers on the front porch, muttering about the kids these days. Then he died. In a horrible, tragic, unlucky collision. Wrong place at just the wrong moment. I don’t believe it was for a reason or his time to go or any of those things. Then, in a terrible and miserable time of my life, I was lucky enough to find a wonderful man who made me laugh and listened patiently to all my crazy ranting. From this I have surmised that sometimes bad things just happen. For no reason. And there is nothing you can do about it. Just because something good eventually follows does not mean that one leads to the other. The line of thought that my first husband’s death was simply for the sake of my new relationship is a very dangerous line of thought – one that diminishes my first husband’s life and our relationship. Something I’d never be down with.
Did you pick someone who is like your husband?
Not really, although they both have a lot of facial hair. Is that a type? Perhaps that’s my type. They are both very different and that’s one of the things I like about each of them. They are each unique and special to me in different ways and I cherish both relationships and everything they have brought to my life.
How do you pick who gets which side of the bed?
Like all normal couples do – we fight like cats and dogs, battling it out by stealing blankets, racing to bed, and throwing pillows across the room until someone gets their way. Usually me. Okay, always me. It’s not so much that I prefer the left side or the right side. More like the side furthest from the door. In case of robbers and home invaders or aliens. Everyone knows the person on the furthest side is safe.
Oh and, yes, in case you were wondering, my darling husband reads everything I write, corrects my typos, laughs with me, lets me cry on his shoulder, and is the second chapter I never thought I’d be lucky enough to have. After a very scary and heartbreaking time in my life, one I thought would never end, I have finally managed to set myself back on my own two feet to walk hand-in-hand with a wonderful (and very attractive) new friend.
Our thanks to guest author Emily Clark for sharing her story here with us. You can read more of Emily’s journey through young widowhood on her blog.
41 Comments:
Thank you for sharing this. It helps to learn societies catch phrases we learn growing up, need to change. Until you know somebody going through personal tradgedies that are honest, you never realize how vapid they sound!
Thank you for those beautiful and honest thoughts. I started dating 4 months after my husband died. I was judged and lost “friends.” Thank you for reminding me that I fulfilled my promise “til death do us part.” I did have children, but I don’t think I could have been there for them if I didn’t have the love and sympathy of my boyfriend.
I have really appreciated your honest words and thoughts, it has been four years and I still think of my late husband a lot. I have finally come to the place where I can be with another man physicaly but have trouble with the emotional side. one guy told me that I needed to get over it, I couldn’t handle that and have not spoken to him since. I loved Lyn with all my heart and can’t totaly forget him. not sure if I will find someone else but hope that that can happen, I hate being alone. betty
Erin I love this. I hope our conversation today didn’t stir up anything. We have told you we would not expect Bryan and little man to be alone and we don’t expect you to be alone. All we have ever wanted is for our kids (you are one of our kids)to be happy. I know you are not replacing Bryan and you do need to allow yourself Love and Happiness.You are a wonderful girl and have so much to offer the world.Don’t worry about others. You and little man have been handed a crappy deal. I know Bryan would be happy with everything you have done these last 35 months. You will always be our girl. Hope this makes sense I do NOT write like you. LOL Love you
Love you Mom B
Thank you so much for this. After reading this I feel so much better about my decisions.
could I use some of your questions and answers for my website about military widows? http://www.survivingspousesupportgroup.org
WOW! Amazingly well written. It is but natural, for all humans to judge this situation. But the truth is , your will really get to know who is your true friend and who isn’t.
The people who care about you, will accept the fact eventually, and will be happy for you, that you have someone, who now is an important part of your life.
Also please remember, by moving on and by living happily, DOES NOT mean that you lost respect for someone you have lost.It simply means that you are mature enough to move on and get over the grief quickly.
Thank you everyone for sharing your views.
Thank you. My marriage after the death of the love of my life is not so successful, and we are separated, staying that way so I can still use his health care due to issues that developed since. I can see now that, not only was I not ready, but we were not right for each other, either–it was like dancing the waltz to county music–not gonna happen! No, most people don’t get it, but then, they have to walk a mile–or a moment–in our shoes to know that we don’t all wear the same style. I wish you happiness, again, as anyone who has been where widows have (or widowers) deserves it in whatever way they find it. Thank you, again.
My husband of almost 21 years died in March from suicide. I started to date someone I knew from grade school just 5 months after. It wasn’t something I planned, I wasn’t looking for it, it just happened. My 13 year old daughter is not liking it or my boyfriend. She was cutting herself after her fathers suicide and got help. She is thinking of it now and is sooo depressed because of my new realtionship.What do I do??? I am sooo happy with him, but I need to be there for her too.
I am widowed and dating a widower. Both of our spouses died about two years ago. We have been dating for 7 months. Jay still has his wife’s message on his answering machine! This totally hurts me. He will listen to a call come in and listen to his wife’s message with me sitting next to him. He knows it hurts me. He said that he had a family meeting and that his grown children want it on, they will take it off in two months at the two year mark of his wife’s death. Does anyone else have this problem?
A friend of mine recently lost his wife in a tragic accident. I like any good friend offered myself if he ever needed anything. He never quite opened up, it was always “I’m doing better, thanks” but i I saw he was in pain and I decided to step in. I told him he shouldn’t be ashamed I wasn’t going to judge him and so he did.. He would tell me how down he felt and I even went and got him some literature to help him… now here’s my dilemma… The whole time I was being a friend seeing that he was in need I began to fall for him.. It was never my intention, I just wanted to be a good friend but things happen. Now I’m confused as to wether I should say anything or just continue being a good friend.. Please any advice would help!
Great letter, thanks for sharing. I lost my wife after 24 years of a great marriage and never thought I could move on but only a few months later I met an amazing women who turned my life around, we are madly in love. Your story is very similar in so many way… Again thanks for sharing!
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This is helping me so much, I lost my husband 19 months ago. I have been dating a man for the past 8 months and it is great.
I am having issues with telling my in-laws they are very old fashioned. So I like the point till death do you part. I was there till the end. I am really close with my in-laws and I think that shows a lot of what kind of person I am. But I am scared they are going to judge me. My stepson and 2 kids have met him and they like him. I just need to tell my late husbands parents.
I understand people being lonely when their spouses pass but what about their children. My father just recently past away and within a day i found text in her phone confiding in a man I believe she had contact with before my father died. But even after a month how could anyone want to engage or talk to another man after being with a guy 10+ years?
Your timing is impeccable! I was just feeling some of these confusing thoughts and talking to a friend last night about it. Thank you for feelings the same ways I do……
I needed this. Thank you!
Thank you for this. I am going through a lot of these same feelings right now. My husband has been gone 14 months. I began dating 9 months after his death and have been judged by many.
I have found a great guy that sounds a lot like this woman’s 2nd husband. He is kind, compassionate, and listens to me when I need an ear. I was so worried that I would be alone the rest of my life but now I see that I won’t be.
Again, thank you for posting this
Thank-you for your answers. They were very helpful. My husband has been gone 5 yrs and I still feel married. He was my bestfriend. I just dread the thought of dating again. Right now, I think I am in the right place (alone)till my heart can heal.
It’s going to be end of mine day, but before ending I am reading this great post to improve my experience.
This sounds like me. You wrote this so beautifully and all the questions and answers are exactly in my thinking. I lost my 30 year old husband to a tragic accident and 6 months and two days later started seeing a close friend of both of ours. Out of respect for my inlaws whom I love I have not told them yet, but reading the above has given me hope that they might not take it as badly as expected. This new man loved my husband too, and he is the only one I currently can tell all my dark widow thoughts to who is ok with it and won’t tell me I need counseling or need to move on. I especially love your thoughts on the “everything happens for a reason” question. I used to think this until my husband died. We too had our happily ever after, wanted kids, in fact “Our” song was “I want to grow old with you” from the movie the Wedding Singer.
Sorry this is so long. I just really want to say that I am happy (and sad) to hear that I am not the only one who thinks this way.
Thank You for sharing this, I really needed to read this now. I lost my husband in Jan 2012. I have recently met aother man, who has been great, and I think it may lead somewhere. So your story is very helpful. I wish you all the best.
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The only article that helped me after my husband’s death was “Dying Inside” by Deborah Schurman-Kauflin in Psychology Today.
And she wrote another article:Killing the Disabled. My husband had a fall and suffered a traumatic brain injury and the insurance company refused to give him time to recover to his best ability. They did not pay for his rehab. Our family’s wish and suffering did not count. They dehumanized him, objectified him and eventually destroyed him because he was a liability in that condition. I know this is not related to dating. I am so traumatized I can not even think about anything but what kind of society I live. Hitler started with the disabled. And contimued with others. Where would he stopped? If you are on this site, you are suffering and you may want to read Deborah’s articles. She knows.
My husband of 18 yrs died from a accedental o.d. in’09. I then our house was foreclosed on and had to move in with my widowed mother whom i did not get along with-she died in 11 now i am alone. i have a job that just covers my bills and as dead end as they come.I met a man at work that i am dating but we at this point are just friends. the problem is is that i feel dead inside.He is a very nice man and treats me well but i din’t feel anything for him or even the thought of someone else.I feel hallow.
I enjoy reading through a post that can make people think.
Also, thanks for allowing me to comment!
It’s been 3 years and 5 months since my boyfriend passed away and I still have not dated anyone, I am not interested, have not looked for anything but also think no one is interested anyway. I still find it hard to imagine myself with a new man. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and for your honest comments.
been widowed for 6 months and now engaged,your blog enlightened me so well.. thanks for posting!
Even after ten years of being a widow, your words are helpful. Your story sounds very much like mine!
My biggest obstacle is the have you ever been married question on a first date. It forces me to give more information that I want to that soon. Any creative answers?
These posts amaze me and I am happy for all who have been able to move on. I have been widowed 42 days and I am having a very hard time. My husband and I were married 28 years (our anniversary the month before he died)and we were together 31 years. I cannot see myself ever meeting another man or ever having another man in my life. But I admit, I will have to be prepared for whatever may come my way. I feel ugly and undesirable at 53 and do not expect that anyone would ever want me. Thanks for all your experiences.
I May have made a mistake, but I don’t know. My husband of 17 years passed away on 3/06/13 and I wound up spending the night with a friend the other night. I didn’t plan it but I had sex with him. I’m so confused right now. Any advise right now would be welcome. I don’t know what to think or do.
I read your post after seaching for some info. I’m a divorcee dating a widower. We have become serious after dating for six months. I sometimes get confused with things regarding his deceased wife. Reading your thoughts really helped, to know how it feels from the other side. I just want to understand; it helps me to be understanding. Thanks.
Are the above two Kathys the same person or different people?
Today is my birthday & I lost my darling husband of 45 years6 days ago. In my religion I am still observing the mourning period. I am not unattractive but feel like one of the other commentators – do not think anyone will be attracted to me like my husband was when he fell in love with me 46 years ago. Right now I am heartbtoken & want nobody else. On the other hand I am already terribly lonesome and dread spending the rest of my life alone. My husband and I did everything together. Problem is there are not many avaiable men who dont want 2 meet younger women. Thanks for listening.
3 1/2 years ago I lost my husband and partner of 21 years. Like you, I was inexperienced and didn’t know what to do about dating. I didn’t even think about it until year 3. Then, even my in-laws were saying I should date. Somehow life sent me a wonderful man and a new start. It’s been six months, and my kids and friends are okay with it all. What I fear is the whole Facebook thing . . . yuck! Also, I found this article looking up what to do about the home pix. Keep them in the kids’ rooms mostly? He says he’s fine with it, but I think the phases out / paring down is a good idea. Thanks for putting this out there.
I lost my Husband on 3-11-13 he drowned saving the life of our 8 year old son it has been so hard and paunful this article really helped me because I am so lonely I need a shoulder to cry my son is begging for a male figure u dont want to rush into anything but I would like to see how it feels to try to move forward I live in a small.town and everyone knows what happend to my Aj.. we was married when I was 19 we have 3 children im 27 and people are telling me it’s to soon im to young to know how hard it will be that I dont understand right now the impact this will have in my children for me to date so soon but I dont plan on introducing my children to anyone unless im serious about them im just so scared to make the step and do it..
Thank you for posting this. My husband died in a motorcycle accident 71 days ago. I have two beautiful girls, 10 and 7. My husband was my best friend and I miss being held when I need it. At this point I really just want a shoulder to cry on, but at the same time the idea of being held by anyone else but him doesn’t feel right. I don’t want to replace my husband and I have a best friend who is a girl, but it’s just not the same. I miss his strong arms wrapped around me and I don’t want just anyone holding me. Sometimes I get so frustrated looking at all of his stuff and then other times they bring good memories. I feel so conflicted sometimes.
Your post will help me move forward. I lost my wife of 48 years 6 months ago. We were together for 50+ years, she being 18 turning 19 and me at 19. We were married 2 days after my 21st birthday, no we did not HAVE to we WANTED to (Catholic). during the last 3 years, she was hospitalized 3 times. The third time, the doctor took me aside and said she would not survive the night, and therefore should be placed in a hospice. He said that she should have been dead 2 years ago and that someone was taking good care of her. I guess I did. Anyway out of curiosity I started dating online about 3 months after she passed. I have met a couple of fantastic women, but 10 of each combined cannot even begin to compare with Maryann. I guess I can settle for whoever might com in a close second. I have read that men who have good marriages start to date earlier because they enjoyed marriage. The guys who wait a long time either had a bad marriage, or were relieved to get out of whatever the did have.
I use that fact to shut my critics up. I am grieving, but I do not feel guilty. I fulfilled EVERY marriage vow including ‘until death do you part’
I love this. My fiance died 9 months ago and recently started going out. The first negative response was from my own mother who said it hasn’t even been a year. I’m 36 years old I want to get married and have kids. I was with my fiance for almost 7 years and I know what he would have wanted. I find it crazy that people feel they have the right to say anything. You know you get lonely, you get frustrated. All these people say they are there for you and guess what they are but they have their own lives. I needed to same things they had. Anyone who knew my fiance and I knew how much we loved each other. I don’t need to justify why I feel lonely and want companionship. Go through my journey then talk to me! I also like how people say to you you need to move on (hate that expression btw) but then when you do, they can’t deal with it. Grief truly is its own unique story and you have to be strong and do what feels right for you. After all isn’t that the biggest lesson from losing someone? You dont know what can happen so cherish your life.