After My Father Died

Grief is not unlike being lost out at sea; waves of different emotions continuously crash over you and you feel as if the current will sweep you out even farther from what you once thought was normal. Grief sometimes manifests itself into something a lot darker. Sometimes it turns into something that makes you feel emotions you are unfamiliar and uncomfortable with, and the normal stages of grief can manifest into depression.

I was fourteen when my father died. I knew what loss and grief felt like before then – I lost my aunt only four months before my dad died in November 2005 and each year before that, I lost my Gramps and uncle. This time, however, my grief was a lot different; I was not sad all the time, as people expected me to be. I rarely cried and I stopped sleeping. I was up half the night, tossing and turning. I had to force myself to get out of bed every morning because I was exhausted and numb.

Everyone around me thought I was coping so well because I became an amazing actress. I would plaster on a fake smile, go out with friends and continue to go to school like I was fine. On the inside, however, I was crushed under the weight of my depression and constant numbness. Things that used to give me pleasure were now tasks that took what little energy I had away from me; I stopped writing and had to force myself to go out with friends to “keep up with appearances.” I stopped eating and lost weight – once again, I had to force myself to eat to keep everyone around me from thinking that there was something wrong.

By the year anniversary of my dad’s death, I couldn’t take the depression any longer. I could no longer recognize the girl in the mirror; a once happy, full of life girl was now paled by grief and sadness. I was completely lost under wave after wave of crushing sadness and I had no way of getting out. If you had told me before my dad died that I would feel like this, I would have laughed and thought you were crazy. But there I was, a year after my father died, at fifteen years old, struggling to find happiness in my life once more. At its worst, I could not make myself get out of bed and faked sick to get out of school. I decided this was my own battle face – I did not need to bother my family members, who were also swamped with grief – with my sadness. At least, at first I never told anyone.

About six months after my grief turned into something darker, I decided enough was enough. I wanted help – I wanted the people I cared about to know that something was not right with my grief.  My grief had manifested itself into depression I needed help. So, I told a teacher that I was close to about my problem and he immediately whisked me off to the guidance counselor who promptly called my mother. My mom rushed from work to the school and held me so tight that I thought she would never let go. She cried and told me that she wished that she could take the pain away. Since that was impossible, of course, we decided to go with the next best thing – therapy.

I started therapy in May of 2007 and have continued to work with the same therapist since then. Therapy is not a walk in the park; there were days after my session that I would run home and fight the urge crawl back into bed because we talked about things that upset or “triggered” me. But therapy also gave me new coping skills to deal with the thoughts of depression and the hard things I was dealing with. I am now able to feel things again and am no longer numb. I can talk about my feelings and experiences without having to lie and put on a fake smile.

I am still currently in therapy and I can honestly say that it is one of the best things to come out of my grief and depression. I have not been stuck in the tar of depression since April of 2009 and I believe that through therapy, I was able to do so.  I can now talk about my dad without tearing up and getting triggered. I’ve learned how to express my emotions, instead of keeping them bottled up. It’s amazing how much difference that has made in my life.

Overcoming depression is a constant battle that I have to fight, but therapy and self-care have made that battle possible. It takes a lot of work, but with that work I was able to become the happy, well-adjusted twenty-one year old that I am today. I am still learning a lot about myself through therapy and through my grieving process. There are days where my depression tries to sneak back into my life but I know that I can now overcome those days with the coping skills I have learned in the past four years.

Special thanks to Hello Grief community member Annie Walters for sharing this story with us.

Photo credit.


  1. Motts said on August 31, 2012 at 6:21 pm ... #

    Annie, I am so proud of you and love you tons! love always your Mom

  2. Chris said on September 4, 2012 at 3:36 am ... #

    I should probably get therapy as well. It has been about a year and a half since my father died of cancer and I know I cannot take much more on my own. I have put on a fake smile this whole time and I just wish I cold meet someone who knows this same pain and loneliness. Thank you for sharing your experience.

  3. Colette Jones said on September 5, 2012 at 6:39 pm ... #

    This is a wonderfully, uplifting story. I’m so glad you got counseling. It was what I finally did, about 6 years after my Dad died. I was in my 40’s, so it took me a bit longer to admit I needed help, since we get more stubborn as we grow older. I agree with you, that going to counseling was the best thing I ever did. So glad. So Grateful.

  4. Kaniya Shaw said on September 11, 2012 at 11:57 pm ... #

    I”m reading this story and I’m in tears, I lost my father a month ago from cancer and this I think has been the most hardest time in my life since my mother passed from cancer 10yrs ago, I have always had my father in my life and it hard I cry when I think about him when I walk pass his room it just so hard to keep putting on this fake smile when deep down I jusy want to die, I stay strong for my kids because they are having a hard time to so I haven’t really let the lost sink in I have came to this conclusion if I don’t think about it will just go away I know I need therapy and reading this I know me and my children will benefit from it I just want to say thanks so much this story just made me realize I need some help getting through this.

  5. Anonymous said on September 21, 2012 at 2:41 am ... #

    I’m in tears.. This is exactly what I’m going through seven years later and just now asked for help. You’re a strong girl for doing what you’ve done. It took me this long to live with it before I asked anyone for help. Thank you.

  6. Rosemarie Bakk said on September 25, 2012 at 1:14 pm ... #

    Annie, I am certain that your Dad is smiling down at the beautifully, intelligent young lady who at 14 knew so little about life and so much about loss but most importantly about love. May your journey with all its ups and downs be filled with happier memories to keep you company. Keep up the great work~and kudos to your Mom!

  7. Victoria said on September 27, 2012 at 5:56 pm ... #

    This story is incredible. It is almost identical to that of my son’s journey. Thank you for sharing the light at the end of your tunnel.

  8. nancy said on September 30, 2012 at 8:34 pm ... #


  9. summer said on October 2, 2012 at 8:40 pm ... #

    It’s been only 7 hours since my dad passed, I at least was able to say goodbye.
    He kissed my forehead and hugged me until his heart stopped.

  10. Palmer said on October 3, 2012 at 12:37 pm ... #

    I’m tearing up reading this, I lost my father to his battle with cancer just over two weeks ago, most days I feel numb, but seem almost normal, and other days like today I have an overwhelming sadness I can’t shake off. I’m 20, my older sister is 21 and my younger brother is only 15, and it all feels too young to lose a father, knowing how much he will miss out on, though we’re so thankful for the time we have had. My heart goes out to everyone else going through this, or anything similar. I know counselling/therapy is an option and maybe I should get into it to help me cope, it’s just very hard to find the time. I miss him so much but I know he’d want me to do well and take care of myself. Thank you so much for sharing.

  11. Andrea said on October 3, 2012 at 9:34 pm ... #

    This is exactly how I have been dealing with my dads recent unexpected passing. But oddly, I was depressed before he passed and sought help about three months ago. I need a support group, I need help because right now it’s so fresh that sometimes I feel like I just haven’t seen him or called him in a while, then it hits me. I can’t sleep or eat either, this article hit home for me and has convinced me I need to find a good therapist.

  12. Trevor said on October 15, 2012 at 8:14 am ... #

    FEW things in life will ever affect you more deeply than the death of a parent. Afterward, you may have to contend with a range of emotions that you have never before experienced….
    Death affects each person differently. Indeed, the Bible says that “each one” has “his own plague and his own pain.” (2 Chronicles 6:29
    Crying helps ease the pain of grief. But think: Jesus Christ was a perfect man who had strong faith in God. Yet, he “gave way to tears” over the death of his dear friend Lazarus. (John 11:35) So don’t be afraid to let your tears flow. It does not mean that you lack faith!
    Perhaps you feel a measure of guilt for things you neglected to do. You might even torture yourself with “if onlys.” ‘If only I had urged Dad to see a doctor.’ ‘If only I had checked on Mom earlier.’ If such thoughts plague you, remember this: It’s normal to feel regret over things you wish you had done differently. The fact is, you would have done things differently had you known what would happen. But you did not know. Therefore, guilt is inappropriate. You are not responsible for your parent’s death!
    Proverbs 12:25 states: “Kind words will cheer you up.” (Today’s English Version) Keeping your feelings bottled up inside may make it difficult for you to deal with your grief. On the other hand, discussing your feelings with someone you trust will open the way for you to receive “kind words” of encouragement when you need them most.
    Likely, you will feel much better after you “pour out your heart” to Jehovah God in prayer. (Psalm 62:8) This is not simply a ‘feel-good therapy.’ In prayer, you are appealing to “the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation.” (2 Corinthians 1:3, 4) One way that God provides comfort is through his Word, the Bible. (Romans 15:4)

    Grieving is not an overnight process. But the Bible can provide comfort, for it assures us that in the new world that God promises to bring about, “death will be no more, neither will mourning nor outcry nor pain be anymore.” (Revelation 21:3, 4) You too may find that meditating on such promises will help you cope with the loss of your parent.

  13. cat said on October 18, 2012 at 2:23 pm ... #

    “be strong for your children”

    I am a 36 year old mother of two amazing, thriving children.
    My father, my rock, my hero passed away a month ago. I an from a wonderful huge Lebanese family my four sisters and our pillar of strength our mother are all coping with this differently in our own ways however of course I have been coping with his loss quite ends embarrassingly and pathetic. I have so much to live for wonderful husband beautiful house loving and supportive family yet I cannot stand the fact that I will be here tomorrow to do this all over again. There is no joy in anything for me no reason to keep going except my children and family will stuffer way too much. I need to stay strong for then right well how??????

  14. Babin tandukar said on October 21, 2012 at 12:27 am ... #

    it is really sad but so heart touching… well my father left us when we was born child . even we didn’t saw him.. I’m 18th yrs.always think about him .. today if he was alive than we don’t have to struggle … and being fatherhood is like so empty life. and no one stay by us when we are in sorrowed. this is hard for me to explain .but also it’s my feeling which i wanna share with people whom are being a fatherhoood ….

  15. Trevor said on October 30, 2012 at 8:15 am ... #

    Grieving is not an overnight process.
    Proverbs 12:25 states: “Kind words will cheer you up.” (Today’s English Version) Keeping your feelings bottled up inside may make it difficult for you to deal with your grief. On the other hand, discussing your feelings with someone you trust will open the way for you to receive “kind words” of encouragement when you need them most.
    The Bible assures us that when the earth is transformed back to a paradise just as it were with adam and eve…Conditions will exsist where “death will be no more, neither will mourning nor outcry nor pain be anymore.” (Revelation 21:3, 4) You too may find that meditating on such promises will help you to cope with the loss of your parent.

    “This is the will of him that sent me, that I should lose nothing out of all that he has given me but that I should resurrect it at the last day. For this is the will of my Father, that everyone that beholds the Son and exercises faith in him should have everlasting life, and I will resurrect him at the last day.”—John 6:39, 40.

    So Babin you can be confident that you will see your father soon …Based on what god’s word say’s…There will be a resurection of the rightous and the unrightous…..

    So you have to reley on God’s word …The bible..Everything you want to know is right in the bible..It has modern application today….It can help us to live our life now,teach us how to happy….

    Although times are hard you have to pray to God…

  16. Diana De wolf said on November 3, 2012 at 12:52 am ... #

    My Dad died three months ago. He was the best man I have ever known. I miss him, but I have very good, good memories that will be with me for ever. I know my Dad is with my Mom now where he really wanted to be. I miss him, but I am at peace.

  17. Jessica said on November 5, 2012 at 6:10 pm ... #

    Aww, I’m sat here in tears at this. I lost my dad several years ago, and I can relate to your story so much. I tried therapy too, and now I think of the good times and not just the sad. I miss my dad dearly, so thank you for your story.

  18. Martin said on November 8, 2012 at 8:22 pm ... #

    My dad, a man in a million, my rock and friend died on 30 Oct, 10 days ago. Im 50 and have a rough past. However I became a Christian in 1998. My dad was the most wonderful God loving person I knew. My dad had diabetes and his body stooped functioning altogether at the age 75. I know its a good age, I know he is with God, I know God is my strength etc etc etc, but nothing gives me comfort. Ive lost interest in life. I used to love going to gym, no ive lost interest. And I get very angry over nothing and can just lash out randomly. I hate myself. I have a lovely wife and 16month old baby and older kids that need me, but I dnt know how im gonna make it. I never thought I was a ninny or a softy. But why am i not coping? I feel like sitting in a corner starring into nothing and never seeing another person again. I need to live for my family, but God knows it seems impossible to do. I wont kill myself, but if death comes, it will be very nice and I will be relieved. Pls pray for me. Thank you .Martin

  19. Alisha K. ( said on November 9, 2012 at 11:07 am ... #


    Thank you for sharing with the HelloGrief community. Losing a loved one is difficult, regardless of age. You mention feeling a lack of interest in things that used to bring you joy, which is not uncommon after experiencing the death of a loved one.

    The support that you will get on Hello Grief may help, but shouldn’t take the place of clinical support within your community. There is a support # you can call if you live in the US, 1-800-273-TALK (8255). They may also have some local resources that they can give you information on.

    Please be advised that the recommendations /advice provided by Comfort Zone are based on the limited information that is provided for a specific question. It is not intended as a substitute for a clinical evaluation. In the event of a psychiatric emergency, please seek immediate assistance by dialing 911 or proceeding to the nearest emergency room.

  20. SH said on November 14, 2012 at 8:41 pm ... #

    My father passed away suddenly a week ago today due to cerebral hemorrhage. I was with him when the doctor turned off his life support machine, and for the time it took for him to take his last breath, which was harder than I thought it would be and I did cry a little.

    Since then I’ve felt nothing. I don’t feel the need to cry, I don’t particularly feel upset, but like you, I can’t sleep at all.

    My father and I weren’t close, it was actually 15 years since I last saw him, bit I felt this nothingness when my grandad died when I was 15 and when my brother died when I was 4, and they were everything to me.

    What worries me is that I suffered depression from childhood and have only in the last couple of years sought help and feel much better, not even taking meds anymore. Now this nothing feeling scares me, I don’t know if its because my dad was almost a stranger to me, having not seen him since I was 15, or the start of that depression again, which, for the sake of my own children, I don’t ever want to go back to.

    Sorry to waffle on, its past one and I can’t sleep so just wanted to put it out there.

    If it does become depression, I only hope I can be as brave as you.

  21. SW said on November 15, 2012 at 10:52 am ... #

    I lost my dad just over a year ago to a short battle with a jaw tumour (Jun-Sept). I was so close to my dad, so I feel totally lost without him. I never anticipated the exhaustion, completely losing my confidence and sense of identity and sometimes the will to live. Counselling helped me no end – like you I can now actually talk about him. I did it for 6 months and I ended it when I felt it had come to a natural end. The counselling doesn’t take your grief away, but it helps you to know what to do with those frightening emotions, and in my case, it helped my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder because that was pretty bad following what I saw happen to Dad and I was becoming frightened to go out and I kept thinking something terrible was going to happen on the way to work (Central London) or on the way home, plus I’ve been doing that thing of trying to hold it together in public, and plastering a smile on all the time. Now I’m trying to deal with the depression that comes and goes. I had a great month last month, and suddenly I was tipped back into depression after getting together with family, interestingly enough. It’s a frightening thing to go through – we think our parents will be around a lot longer. A year on, I have to keep arranging fun things to look forward to (theatre, Zumba, meeting good friends, a trip to a favourite cafe, concert) so that life doesn’t seem so bleak. The best thing you can do is speak to someone non-judgemental and cry whenever you need to, no matter how many years it has been!
    p.s. I am a Christian, but I have to say I couldn’t see or talk to God for about 6 months. I know he didn’t abandon me, but it was how I felt at the time – after praying for Dad continuously while he was ill and finally praying that the Lord would just take him (which He did literally 2 days later), I just couldn’t pray at all, for ages. Thankfully, I’m back on track and feel I can be involved at church a bit again.

  22. Debra Freeman said on November 15, 2012 at 6:55 pm ... #

    I lost my father November 13th, less than four months from being diagnosed with Stage 4 lung cancer. He was my rock. I was with him when he took his last breath at home, surrounded by my mom, sister and brother. I feel so angry and lost. I don’t feel like being with anyone or doing anything. I’m supposed to go back to work as a 7th grade teacher and have no desire to do so. I don’t feel like eating. How am I ever going to make it through this? We all cared for him through his illness, staying with him, watching the cancer steal this beautiful man away from us. We were blessed that we had no regrets as we had time to tell him what he meant to all of us. It was an honor and a privilege to care for him, but now I feel absolutely empty inside. I know he is with God and free from pain, but I just don’t know how I will ever make it through this agonizing pain.

  23. Julie said on November 16, 2012 at 11:56 am ... #

    I lost my father, on November 1st, after a five-week convalescence. He was 85 – JUST RETIRED – and had been having a rough year (balance issues and some falling, which led to the discovery of a severely blocked carotid artery). Dad decided to go ahead with a stenting procedure, and had a stroke on the table, and we now believe additional strokes after the first. The doc had apparently had him on the wrong medication, which contributed to the stroke(s). What ensued was five weeks of heartbreaking ups and downs (mostly downs), and in and out of hospital and nursing/rehab. We were able to bring dad home – after the doc finally said there was nothing more that could be done. He lasted one day – and then left us. We were so grateful to have had him home – he knew he was home, and we even got two smiles from him that last day (each for two different grandchildren). We were solid as a family – we all knew the priority was dad (and of course mom). I remain unsettled for his last weeks of life, and on top of that…my dad was a great dad, great friend, and made everything right in my world. I am a 54 year old woman, but still feel like a huge hole has been ripped in my world. My mom is hanging in there, she is beautifully stoic and positive. I have gotten so used to the constant connection with family, that being back at work (while distractions are welcome), I feel an even greater separation from them – and dad.
    My dad didn’t want to die – I’d like to say he was reconciled to it in the end, but I don’t really know. The whole reason he went through with the procedure was because he loved life so much and wanted to continue living. Certainly, he is no longer suffering. He had a strong faith, and I trust that he is with God…and even watching over us. I just still feel so very unsettled…and sad…and heartbroken!

  24. Stephanie said on November 16, 2012 at 3:03 pm ... #

    I lost my dad on July 2nd of this year after his 32 day battle with Luekemia. I am 23. I think about my dad everyday, as it is impossible to not relate something I am doing to something he would have done himself, or done differently. There are days were I just want to crawl in bed and cry, but then there are days when I feel fine. The fine feeling days are more frequent than the sad days, but now I start second guessing why I feel okay so frequently. I sleep okay, or at least not any worse than I ever had before. And although I’ve put on weight (emotional eater) it hasn’t been a significant difference. I sometimes feel like I am doing something wrong, I ask myself when will I start grieving, because I truly don’t think I have yet, I don’t think its truly hit me. And although I don’t know how I feel about therapy, I am in the process of looking for a support group, no matter how impossible that task seems to be. Good luck to u all…

  25. Tam said on November 23, 2012 at 2:44 am ... #

    My dad died on 10/12/12 and this Thanksgiving 2012 was the first holiday we have had without him. It’s harder than I expected. I miss him greatly and this sadness of his absence has deeply contributed to me falling deeper into depression. He ultimately died from Aspiration Pneumonia and Hospital Acquired Acinetobacter Pneumonia, from the ventilator he had in ICU. He was only 68 years old and this all started from kidney stones this past summer in June that lead to kidney failure and then his kidneys got better, then he acquired MRSA from the hospital and he was admitted back and forth into the hospital over a span of a little over 3 months. No antibotics would work on him. He was losing weight and weighed only 137 lbs on a 6’1 frame, he was always a caring man and he was a strong fighter to the end of his life. He fought tonsillar cancer 17 years prior and eventually lost his ability to chew and swallow like normal due to the radical neck surgery and radation treatments that he underwent to get rid of the cancer. He survived all of that and had a G-tube surgically placed into his stomach as his primary means of eating. That was done approx. 7 years before his death. Then he had prostrate cancer and that was dealth with rapidly, it really did not affect him. He was a diabetic but it was under control towards the end of his life he was harder to manage. On 10/9/12 after he was last admitted in the hospital he was finally placed in hospice care and brought home to live his final days under heavy sedation, however at his request he said in writing ” tell them I want to go home to die” it makes me cry to this day and as I write those words. I can only imagine the pain and misery he must have endure inside his ailing body. I wish I could have taken that pain from him. Watching my dad die was the most painful event in my life and at the same time I would have not wanted it any other way. I watched his last breath and his last heart beat,I was by his side for the longest 3 days of my life. I’m very thankful it was a peaceful death and I prayed for that and I prayed for him to be accepted into heaven many times and even spoke to my dad as he was dying about asking God for forgiveness of his sins and bringing Jesus into his heart. I only pray that all those prayers were answered and I pray to see my dad one day again to be reunited in heaven. I love you Dad…. until heaven… you are always in my heart and thoughts and right now its just to hard to get through these days without you.

  26. SW said on November 26, 2012 at 5:03 am ... #

    I just want to say to Debra that you will make it through, but it is not easy and you have to allow yourself to feel those emotions & grieve as you want to. Don’t bottle it up & please find someone supportive and non-judgemental to talk to. I can relate to your anger – I still feel angry a year on (I even got my first speeding ticket!), and I feel like my Dad was the only one in the family who really listened to me & I loved talking to him & spending time with him. Laid back, funny, silly, thoughtful, kind, a great cook and shoemaker! I thank God for my husband, who I realise is quite like my Dad in temperament & a great listener. Don’t lose heart & don’t let other people drag you down. I’ve made some really good new friends through some dance classes I’ve been to and church and other things because unfortunately I found some of my longer term friends couldn’t handle me not being the one always listening to them or being there to cheer them up all the time x

  27. Terry Barnes said on November 30, 2012 at 10:49 pm ... #

    My Father died on the 13th October 2012 after a short illness. It was unexpected and it feels like an atomic bomb has exploded and devastated me.I feel as though I have been cast adrift in a sea of grief battered by enormous waves of emotion. It seems surreal I pray for the repose of the souls of my beloved grandmother (along with my mother the dearest woman I have ever known)and my brother who died far too young at the age of 30. Now only my Mother aged 80 survives and I cannot believe I am now praying for the repose of my my Fathers soul.

  28. Peter said on December 2, 2012 at 12:13 am ... #

    Thank you for sharing this, your words have done more than you probably know. I lost my father to cancer in September of this year, and even with my newborn child bringing a smile to my face every day, I struggle thinking of my dad’s final days. I can’t believe he is gone, and while we were never REALLY close, he was a good man and tried hard to forge a stronger relationship with me the past 5 years or so. He made mistakes, of course, but I would love just 5 more minutes with him to tell him how much I love and miss him.

  29. Sharron said on December 2, 2012 at 8:54 am ... #

    I lost my father three months ago on September 5, 2012, five days before my 37th birthday. That was very hard for me. We had his wake on my birthday and his home-going celebration the next day. It was like he was saying to me, “well baby-girl, I’m here. I can’t saying anything physically to you, but I am here.” I had him for one more birthday. I spent two hours with him. This hurt me so bad. I get out of bed to get my girls ready and take them to school. Once I do that, all I want to do is get back in the bed and stay all day until it’s time to pick them up. But I couldn’t and still can’t do that because I have to go to work. But I am dealing with waves of emotions that I can’t describe and I can’t control them. I hold them in a lot and don’t talk much about it to people but sometime. I don’t enjoy things anymore. I don’t sleep through the night. It’s taring me apart and I realize I need help. I know that God is the source for healing. Only if I could hug Dad again, kiss on the forehead, the laughter and talks. I miss him so much. I am still waiting on his daily phone calls before I get to he and Mom’s house after work.

  30. Tam said on December 8, 2012 at 1:33 am ... #

    As I sit her crying….. reflecting on the loss of my dear dad. I just want to pray for each of you that have posted your inner most feelings regarding the death of your own father’s. May God be with you during this time of grief and emotional pain. May you ultimately feel comfort in the promise of eternal life in heaven. I know this is easier said than done…. I have a long way to go myself … father died 10/12/12. I miss him and love him and always will.

  31. wayne said on December 8, 2012 at 10:58 pm ... #

    I lost my dad about 3 years ago he died at the age of 58.see how that I used to always go and see him in the do things have been hard.she absurd realize after little over 2 years did I need t o go for some totally because I feel that there’s something wrong.I was diagnosed with depression. He was somebody that I could always go to for things I felt like you understood me and when I lost him the family fell apart. I don’t get no support for anybody. Also I have ADHD And was , disown for most of the family. also was stuck with his bills. because I sure his name I’m a junior in the creditors think I’m him! coming after me.

  32. Sarah said on December 9, 2012 at 4:17 pm ... #

    Its been a little over 2 months since my dad passed of a heart attack im only 15 he was in good health and even did an ironman he had a heart condition that we didn’t know about but he was hiking when he died so he was doing what he loved to do….be in the outdoors the weirdest thing is I had a dream about it before it happened and I just brushed it off like it was nothing I had friends over that day and we were getting ready for homecoming I found your story touching and it lets me know it gets easier to cope with thank you so much

  33. jaymelyn75 said on December 10, 2012 at 4:26 am ... #

    I was 20 when i lost my dad on febuary 18, 1996. my grief is still just as painful & devastating now as it was that day when cancer took my hero.

    I was a HUGE daddys girl. wherever he was, I was right beside him. he was the strongest, sweetest, funny, kind, loving, and gifted with so many different talents. there was nothing my daddy couldnt fix or accomplish. my dad also never knew a stranger. he loved talkin to folks whether he knew them or not. I always said, to know him was to love him. he was immensely loved & so well liked by everyone.

    we tried so hard to take care of daddy at home along with hospice. towards the end though he needed round the clock care, so we had to admit him to the nursing home. all of us kids took turns staying evey night, and all of us all day long right by his side. there was not one minute during his 4 week stay there was he ever alone.

    on Valentine’s day I brought mom & dad a dozen roses. when I walked into his room with them and they both smiled. it had been awhile since he had smiled. he also tried so hard to speak. he was so weak by this point that it took all the strength he had to even whisper. overall it had been a better day for dad we was thankful for it. later that night though, my dad slipped into a coma for 4 days.

    on February 18th I walked into his room and we was told that it wasnt going to be much longer. we never left his side all day. I couldnt. as much as was tearing me up inside watching him fading away, I knew this is where I needed to be. all of us stood around his bed. his respirations were 1-2 a minute. at 629pm, hey took his final breath of life.

    I fell to my knees, still holding his hand. I was inconsolable. I just kept saying “not my daddy!”, “please god! not my daddy”.this cant be real! this has to be just a horrible dream! it just cant be true! it just cant be! I completely fell apart.

    sixteen years later, im still grieving this much pain. I just cant get over my hero being gone. he was the best of the best. I tear up in an instant just speaking his name. I know I should not be grieving this hard still folks have told me. but how could I not think of him everyday? how could I go one day without missing the greatest man who I got to call dad? I just cant let go….

    I love and miss you so very much daddy!!!

  34. sophielars said on December 10, 2012 at 4:44 pm ... #

    my dad died 3 months ago from cancer. i ended up in this page because i honestly don´t know whats going on with me. i feel fine i think, sometimes i just break down and cry for a long time when i´m on my own. i haven´t talked to anyone about it, my boyfriend doesn´t ask how i am because he knows that i don´t like to talk about it. everyone else in my family has talked to a therapist, i tried to do a family session but i only ended up being really annoyed with the whole thing. i don´t think i´m in denial, i mena i know my dad is dead and i dont expect him to walk through the door at any moment, but i just don´t feel sad most of the time because i don´t think about it, i try to keep my mindo on other things like school, i got straight A´s this semester, i usually get B. it just scares me to think that i´m ok because my dad and i were so close, when i found out that he was sick i dropped everything and i was with him every single day, all day until the day he dies. he went through 15 surgeries and was in the hospital every day for 3 and a half months. i stayed some nights, and others my mom and brother. when i lost him, i thin i was relieved because he suffered so much that i was happy the pain was over for him. and life has not been the same since.
    i was only going to write a few lines on this, i dont know why i ended up writing so much

  35. madhumita said on December 12, 2012 at 6:25 am ... #

    my beloved daddy died on 6th october 2012.He was plucking flowers a work he used to do for the last 25 years.He fell down from roof that was at the third floor at that time.There was a boundary in the roof.Still he felldown and became unconscious.He was taken to the same hospital where he was a doctor.Yes,he was a surgeon allways active without ane diseases.But nobody could save him and he died.I stay in Pune.When I got the news I couldnot able to cry.I can not express what I went through.My husband,my chil and myself madly serached for a flight from Pune to Bhubaneswar.As there were no direct flight we went to Mumbai and we reached next day morning.I could not saw his body.My mother,my brother broke down.Now it has been 2 months.Every moment I am crying,madly searching grief is still just as painful & devastating now as it was that day when destiny took my hero.I think I will not lead a normal life after my Daddy who was a rock to all of us.He was the head.All things done according to him.We could not believe a powerful,energetic person will go in such a way from this earth.I think if God is there why he can not save my daddy from falling down.God could give my dad a lesson for his daring habbit but he took his life.I just want to find out where my father soul is,He is satisfied or not.May God give us all sufferings all pain my father felt at the time of falling down,but give peace to the great human being we lost.

  36. Another actress said on December 12, 2012 at 10:18 am ... #

    Thank you everyone for your posts…It’s comforting to know I’m not losing my mind with the ups and downs of all the different emotions that are a result of my mother’s recent death. I am trying to stay strong for my daughter and I realized that I have to tell my husband exactly how I feel (he has all these expectations on what I should be doing regarding the upcoming holidays.) I have been crucifying myself for not having my life together because I keep thinking I am too old to not be able to get focused and stay strong after losing my mom. All day I think of the would haves, should haves, and could haves regarding my mom.

    I am sorry for everyone that has lost a parent here. I hope you all eventually find some peace. Thank you all again.

  37. morgan said on December 13, 2012 at 8:18 am ... #

    Reading all of your comments makes me feel alot better knowing that iam not the only one going through this. I am 16 and i lost my dad 2years ago to cancer. my dad and i were very close, though he was tough, yelled alot, and hardly ever told me i did good i would take anything to get him back. we live on a farm and that was my dad and my thing, andd we were very good at it, i love doing it cause i do excell in it. These days i find my slef having a good day and most where i can just crwl up in a hole and stay there. I have shut out alot of my freinds, i still talk to them i just dont hangout with them as much and i think they understand.I just have no idea how i can get better, this is my junior year the most important one and for the last month I have missed at least one day a week sometimes more. The teachers are not understanding infact alot are very rude, they will call me out in front of the whole class and lecture me on how i am never going to get into vet school cause i dont try hard enough. Well they are right i will never get into vet school because i no longer want to go, i just know i want to work with animals. I wish i could find a way to get out of this and beat the depression but its difficult when u go to school you dony have the support at least they could just leave me alone. Holidays are the worst i want my dad here for it, i am in counseling but it hasnt really helped a whole lot. i am going to continue to try make small steps but they get harder and harder every day!

    I am so sorry to all who have lost their rock in their life mine was my dad and it just plain sucks

  38. anthony said on December 16, 2012 at 8:43 am ... #

    Thank you for a wonderful forum. I will return and say a few words about my own loss, but now i just want to let you know that i have put a link to your site on my Facebook wall, in case others might be helped.
    Love & Peace.

  39. anthony said on December 16, 2012 at 10:37 pm ... #

    Hi everyone,
    Back to say a few lines about my Dad as promised above. I’ll use a list to stop myself rambling, which i’m prone to do.
    1. My Dad died April 25th, very suddenly (heart-attack), just days after surgery to fit a pacemaker, which had given us all a big hope he’d be ok for years to come. Big shock.
    2. He was 85, so people say he had a ‘good innings’, or a ‘long life’. I don’t feel like that at all – for me, 150 yrs old would have been the minimum i’d want for him, and for me.
    3. He had a hard, laboring life, of long hours and poor pay – he was an old-style butcher who had started work at 14 and finished at 65 – though he often took on part-time jobs cleaning or gardening right into his 70s.
    4. He was my rock, my best friend…he was funny, with a wonderful warm laugh..and i now have no-one to tell my corny jokes to. I fact, he was the only person i ever know who i wanted to tell everything to. Now he’s gone – who am i going to tell my adventures to ?
    5. I want to complain a little – i think there is an assumption out there that it is especially hard to lose a parent when one is young, but not so bad when one is older oneself. Well, i was 66 when Dad died, and it is now over 7 months since he passed, and i feel sad and tearful most days. And here is the obvious logical point : I had my Dad always there for me since i was able to know what was going on around me – say 65 years. So i have more memories than a young person, and a deep mature love to miss. In addition, being older makes the issue of mortality press hard upon one’s mind after such a loss.
    6. I’m now a 67-year old man, and i don’t mind anyone knowing that my heart aches for him and his hard life, and my world has a huge hole where he used to be for me.
    7. I feel for everyone who has lost their Dad, their ‘rock’, their ‘best friend’ – hugs to you all.

  40. Margot said on December 28, 2012 at 9:18 am ... #

    My dad got diagnosed with lung cancer 3 years ago. He is now in the latest stages of his illness and I can’t believe that I won’t see him again in few months time. I just can’t believe it.

  41. Sydney said on December 30, 2012 at 6:25 pm ... #

    My dad died when I was 10 years old. That was 5 years ago. I think I cried maybe 2 or 3 times. After that I put on a brave face for the world. Nobody in my family could really take care of them self, my dad would always cook and do the laundry and dishes. So I started doing everything that he used to. I cooked dinner and packed lunches for everyone. I did everyone’s laundry, folded there clothes and took them to there rooms. Everyone thought that because I did all these things that I was the best adjusted, but if I look back I was probably worse off. Everyone else had outlets, they screamed, the cried, they drank, they did something. I just bottled it all up. To everyone else I was the perfect child. Good grades, good soccer player, always looking put together. It wasn’t until a couple months ago when bottling everything up became to much. Things started slipping, A’s became A-‘s, I dropped from the best person on the team to the second best. It doesn’t seem all that drastic, but to me it was. I realized that I needed to do something about it. I talked to my mom and a therapist and we all decided I needed a fresh start. When I’m with my family I feel the need to be perfect, to hide my true feelings. So in a couple weeks I’m leavening to go to a boarding school in Whales, (my family lives in Missouri). I hope that while there I can find the closure I need.

  42. Jul said on December 31, 2012 at 4:25 am ... #

    It was a year in November since my dad passed. We never knew he was sick or anything, it was really sudden. I was 17 and it was my first semester of my Senior Year. Senior Year was supposed to be great, perfect, but it was the hardest year ever. Especially graduation, not having him there, then starting college without him. So tough. My family was always so close, so losing him has been so hard. Yeah I cried and everything when it happened, but now I just keep everything inside. I know it’s horrible, but I can’t help it. I feel like I’m always the strong one. It’s so hard and I know one day I’m just going to explode. It’s an awful feeling.

  43. Michelle said on January 1, 2013 at 9:57 am ... #

    thank you for sharing that…this story has given me hope…I lost my father in 2010 and now three years later the pain still sneaks up on me and today is one of those days but its great to know that other people share the experiences and talk about coping techniques . Thank you

  44. Tracy said on January 3, 2013 at 1:50 pm ... #

    I can relate to everyone’s grief and loss. Like so many of you, I am in pain and can’t even imagine where pain ends and acceptance begins? It has been almost 3 months since I lost my dad to Pancreatic cancer and witnessed the devestating effects of this horrific disease…It robbed my sweet dad of his body but his spirit and fight was always there…He was so stoic and brave throughout and I am just heart broken. Some say they have PTS, and even depression and I am wondering if I suffer from those? I had to be my dad’s advocate and fight his cancer and some of his doctors throughout this ordeal, to top it off I am an only child and even had to fight with my step mom and mom as both were very little help and became unglued…sadly he did not have the best of treatment or docotors until it was late in the disease. I am exhausted and mentally & physically, I cannot be there for my mom or step mom now. I feel like I have no more resources left, and feel in a fragile state, so I don’t let anyone or anything upset me. My friends have been my support system, though many live far away. I am on my own literally( no spouse, kids, boyfriend or siblings) and I feel so lost, with no passion or purpose left…I am in orbit with pain, sorrow and grief in my heart. I have lost my dad- my best friend, my hero, my soul mate, my everything! Everyday is as painful as the last. How does one stay in the game and keep going when the will and purpose just aren’t there?

  45. Elonie said on January 4, 2013 at 6:43 am ... #

    You are an inspiration to me. I am going through just what you when through just at a younger age. I have little energy to do anything since my dad died and I am trying to put on a fake smile. I have signed up for coucelling but the list is long. I can’t hold the pain in any longer and it’s starting to come out. I am off school a lot trying to cope at home a lot but I can’t handle the stress if my school work. No one understands that I need time to understand tht my dad dying has hit me incredibly. I want to be a normal teenager! Just being free and tied inside yourself waiting for something to happen. I have even been thinking that suicide is my only way out. And it seems that way more clearly now. But I know I am not strong now, I am week. I have used up all my strength to cover up the sadness. I am going to try and fight this with all I’ve got. It’s going to be hard but I know I can do it.


  46. STeven said on January 16, 2013 at 4:56 pm ... #

    Nothing prepared me for the passing of my dad. He worked hard all his life. I only knew him face to face from 64-75. He passed thirty-seven years later on November 30, 2012. I am grieving beyond my mind can handle. I am hiding in my home afraid the rest of the world will fall apart. I know I should not hide, but here I am unable to move passed the doormat of my home. Please Lord make me heart healthy again. Thank you dear lord.

  47. Amy said on January 17, 2013 at 1:42 am ... #

    I lost my dad to cancer in December 2011. He was my best friend and my ‘person’. I have had the hardest year of my life since he died and I cannot seem to pick myself up and put myself back together. I miss him every day. I miss his wisdom, the sound of his voice…everything. I just can’t seem to get my head around the fact that he is gone and I will never see him again.
    I wish there was somewhere to go or someone to talk to who could understand what I’m facing, but I struggle finding a forum or a place to go for adults who are struggling with the loss of a father.
    There was no one like my dad and he’s the one I wish was here to talk with…no one else fills the hole that’s left there. Some days are better than others, but every day for the last year has left me empty.
    I have to find a way to get past this. I have a seven year old son who depends on me for a full and vibrant life, but until I get out of this place i’m in I feel like he is only getting a shell of me.
    Is there anyone else in this place?

  48. stretch said on January 17, 2013 at 5:10 am ... #

    My father was recently killed on his motorcycle, by a young teenage girl whom had better things to do than pay attention to the 4,000lb hammer (aka SUV) she was driving. I was very close to my dad.. We actually bought motorcycles together. Nothing makes me more sad than to think about what I’ve lost at such an apparently young age.. ( I am only in my early 20’s..) I’m not sure why I’m typing this comment. But something inside me tells me there is nothing left to do. I’ve lost so many close people over the last few years.. my best friend to a drunk driving accident, a few family members to the same dumb sh**.. Year after year it seems I just play this stupid persona of what is “me.” I had so many dreams for my life, so many desires i wanted to fullfill. Now I’ve become stuck in time ever since he was taken from me. I know he would want better.. He wouldn’t want me to waste my life in dispair over his tragedy. He wouldn’t want me to be so angry at the person that caused all of this, that one stupid teenager that made a horrible decision to end his life so prematurely. But I cant help but try to think of a reason why my father was taken from me.. he was very well liked in our community, everyone knew who he was, everyone loved him. And i truly mean everyone.. He gave and he gave, sometimes putting his own family in the backround just so he could help others, He would do whatever he possibly could do just to make the world a brighter, better place. People try to tell me that “God” had a “better plan” for him, that “God” needed him in heaven. They are wrong. His one and only son needed / needs him here, right now on earth. So yes, indeed, I have an extremely difficult time accepting he is gone. I wake up every day expecting to hear him rummaging around the house getting ready to go to his shitty job he hated so much, just so he could support his family. I am so lost right now it’s like I’m litteraly in a different world. I feel as If my identity has been stripped away from me. I feel completely naked and disconnected from all reality, like a child again discovering the extreme pain / loneliness of death.. I’ve been through it before many times but this time is so much different. Its been almost a year but any thought of my father just brings me to my knees in tears.. with a dagger in my heart i gasp for air in my bubble of isolation, a total ficticious “feeling” of saftey.. Even to this day, I can feel my face grow numb with the tingles of anxiety over the simple thought of living the rest of my life without him.. my world is absolutely shattered.. It’s not fair.. its not ****ing fair at all. I am so lost within myself.. but i continue on, i wake up everyday, I try to make myself a better person. I try to live the way he would want me to live. But man….. this world really is ****ed up. It’s complete insanity. Together We’re all nothing more than a singular organism occupying a completely incomprehensible small chuck of rock floating in a seemingly endless dark divide.. and by ourselves, alone, we are absolutely insignificant. But even in the absolute darkest of places the light still finds its way in. Thank you for letting me share, friend. I wish you the the best in this maddening, out of control rollercoaster we call life. We go on and on and on… It seems like nobody wants to step back from their pointless office job to realize whats really important.. LOVE. Thats all that matters.. love each other and you can find happiness. Everyone dies.. everyone.. so i will try to make the most of what i’ve been given, before I too, pass away. It’s complete maddness. My heart aches so bad.. so bad.. people killing each other.. War ect.. its just insanity. You almost have to be crazy to survive here on Earth.

  49. Kelly V said on January 21, 2013 at 4:27 pm ... #

    I stumbled upon this site because I lost my daddy just last night….Like so many of you, my heart is broken and I am in so much more pain than I could have imagined. I am only 25 and it isn’t fair that I have to go through this so young….I am too young for this and it just doesn’t feel right! He died of lung cancer so most everyone was prepared for it….except me. I never faced it or gave up hope. It kills me because he was 7 hours away and as soon as I heard he may not make it through the night, I jumped in my car to go see him and say goodbye…..but I didn’t make it in time and that will haunt me forever. I miss him SO much…in a way that I can’t begin to describe….I think my older brother is taking it better than me because he has been seeing it coming……I don’t know how to go on with life…My heart is broken and I miss him SO SO much!!!! :'(

  50. Daddy's girl said on January 21, 2013 at 11:24 pm ... #

    Thank you all for sharing your stories. I lost my dad Dec 2012. I took him to hospital a month before as he was in pain. The doctors discharged him and said he had sciatica. I called the ambulance a couple of weeks later when he couldn’t move his leg. My dad had lived with me and my daughter after the last hospital visit. My dad was admitted. The doctors said he was too poorly for tests but dd manage to do a needle biopsy, which confirmed he had cancer. The doctor who told me answered his ringing mobile whilst talking to me. I didnt tell my dad so I told him you can have treatment here in hospital or at home. He wanted to come to my house. I had wanted that too. The hospital said he had to have an hospital bed which took 6 days. Judas came home and I was with him when he passed peacefully. I replay that moment over and over. Seeing the light go out of his beautiful eyes kills me. I feel like so many of you. My dad was everything to me. He raised me as a single dad. We travelled and did so many great things together. We spoke a couple of times a day saw each other often. I’m so empty without him. I cry all the time. I try to eat but there’s a lump in my throat. I’ve got chest pains. I miss him so much. Everything I knew has gone. It’s hard to believe in anything now. I feel angry my dead grandparents couldn’t let me know he was ill. I’m angry that my dad didn’t get the chance to fight cancer. I’m angry that the doctors didn’t know sooner. I’m angry at every one still alive. I’m angry that I’m having to live without him. I’d like to die but I don’t want to leave my little girl. Shes equally bewildered crying all the time as my dad was her dad too. Her first word was dada which turned out to be her grandad. We both can’t bear to go anywhere because they are reminders of places we went together as a little family. I’m existing. Everything takes so long now for me to do. I can’t bear to be around people. I’m also struggling with all the practicalities. I’ve tried to cancel electric and phone fr my dads house but some of the companies insist it’s impossible and standing charges still have to be paid. If anyone has any tips please help. I cry to phone and end up begging that they do something it’s awful. My daughter had her 8 th birthday yesterday, we both cried most the day. My dad loved celebrations so dreading the future without him. I love you dad, I
    always will. I miss you my world is broken. Thanks for listening.

  51. kathy v said on January 23, 2013 at 12:26 pm ... #

    came on this site bc ive been missing my dad. i have good spelling and grammar but dont care right now so please disregard all that. my dad died in march 2012 suddenly from a heart attack. it wasnt expected. he was my rock, my best friend. i told him everything. he was my mom and my dad. i have a mom but shes not really a motherly figure, and everyone had to be strong for her instead of her being strong for us. im not that close to her and me and my sister feel extremely guilty sometimes when we say we wouldve rather had our dad around.. if you all know where that comments going bc i feel guilty even admitting that, much less to actually type it. im sorry for all your losses. i was reading everyones post and crying for them and myself at the same time.. i completely understand what “stretch” was saying. i agree with just about everything he said, even the part where he says “Together We’re all nothing more than a singular organism occupying a completely incomprehensible small chuck of rock floating in a seemingly endless dark divide.” it kills me not knowing if i really will get to see my dad again. he was a christian and believed in god, jesus, and heaven. i cant say that those are my beliefs though. someone else noted that losing your parent when your older is just as hard and i completely agree. no matter the age its hard. but me and my dad became best friends as i got older. i got to know him for who he really was and not just my father. we were really close and i told him things people probably dont tell their parents. i didnt just lose my dad, i lost my best friend, a real man who was shorted in life. he didnt even get to retire. he was such a family man and didnt get to spend the time with us he had planned to after retirement, although i saw him a lot.. but not before he died.. which haunts me to this day. as i scrolled down reading peoples stories i came across a story that sounded somewhat familiar, when i realized my sister in law posted on here to. she just lost her dad a few days ago as well. it made me think of my dad and feel for her too! i dont know why im leaving a comment. i guess it feels good to vent. my dad was awesome. im proud of the type of real MAN he was. took care of his family and loved us to no end. i resent my mom for not appreciating him or giving him the love he wanted and deserved, yet she’s left with the house and his money and her new boyfriend. shes not family oriented and i just want my dad back! im sorry to everyone who’s lost anyone they love. its hard and i wish you all the best of luck!!!

  52. AnnieB said on January 24, 2013 at 7:55 am ... #

    Kudos for you, Annie, for reaching out for help and for not waiting! So glad there were adults around who listened. I lost my father when I was 17, my senior year in high school. There was no grieving because my mother – who had lost *her* father as a toddler – felt she was the one who had lost someone, not me. None of the adults around questioned this or reached out, and I just went inside myself, attempting suicide the next summer. I still didn’t get help, though it was offered then – I was so angry, I shrugged it off. I finally started grieving 16 years later, when I was in therapy for other problems which I think arose because I did not allow myself to grieve. 47 years after my father’s death, there are still moments when I need to cry – to sob – surrounded by the love of friends and family, as I would have if I’d been allowed, the day he died. Every parent, every adult who is around children and young people needs to know how important it is to support them in this process when they are going through a loss.

  53. Omar.S said on January 24, 2013 at 11:16 am ... #

    I was doing a random search on google on how to deal with depression when a parent dies and came across this article that touched me. My father passed away from cancer last week(January 16, 2013)and I have been on a constant roller coaster of emotions ever since. I know I am going to need counseling, I admit that, but it just feels that no matter how many times I hear “you’ll get through this”…”your dad is free of pain and in a better place”…”my condolences” it just doesn’t divert from the fact that my father won’t be coming back. I break down a lot and cry because my father was my first childhood memory. There wasn’t a day that my father wasn’t in my life, support, friendship, a constant shoulder to lean on, these were the things he was to me and my sister plus so much more. I’m trying to be strong for my mom, sister, and nephew but it is truly hard. When night falls and all those memories come rushing into your head, the disbelief that any of this is real, it just hurts. Even when you read the stories of people who have been where I am, gone through what I’m going through now, it still feels like no one understands because it was MY DAD who died, robbed of his life too soon because of this vicious cancer. Anyway, I was really touch by your article Annie. I don’t know you personally but each of us here can empathize with one another and I have to admit it feels comforting to let out your emotions through typing. Hopefully there are better days for all of us in our own way.

  54. Tanja said on January 26, 2013 at 3:32 pm ... #

    My father died Jan 31, 2012. This year has been very hard and I still have to hide my tears. I can be in the mall and I feel that lump in my throat and have to run out of there. Dates run through my head, as if it were recent. On Dec 5th, 2011, my dad, a pedestrian was hit by a speeding driver. He was rushed to ICU. He had to have a tracheotomy. He was in a coma for a month. When he woke up my sister and I were at his side. I believed at the time, he woke up because while he was sleeping, I talked about his unborn Granddaughter who he had to hold on for, he had to meet her and his 3 yr old and one yr old Grandsons, I gave him so many reasons to stay with us. I told him how my twin sister and I needed him so much. We are closer to him than our Mother who lives in Germany and our dad was close by. My dad just published a children’s book, his first ever and we had planned to write more together, for our kids if for anything else.
    He lived for another month later and on January 31st, 2012, I got the call at 8am that he had passed away. I remember, my nose started bleeding when I heard the news, my body shook, my 3 yr old son was downstairs watching cartoons. I had only two weeks to go before the arrival of my daughter. I so badly wanted him to meet her and he was so excited that he was going to have a Granddaughter.
    This year has been hard, Christmas and my son still remembers Grandpa and he knows what happened. I feel so angry at the hospital staff for “not doing their job properly”, so it seems. I am mad at the driver who hit him. The court case is still going on. My nephew’s second birthday, we made the most of it but we felt my dad’s absence. Now, my daughters first birthday is approaching and I can’t stop crying, because my dad should really have been here. When we thought he was getting better, my husband and I decided to move to be closer to my dad and help in his long term care. We moved on Jan 28, 2012 and two days later he was gone.
    I hate feeling that lump in my throat every time I look at my daughter, yet I am happy with her and her development and love her. But, I am sad that she was born during a very sad time for us. On the day she was born, we were so happy, my twin was with me and we just cried, out of joy and out of loss. It was so confusing. I feel those feelings today as If it happened yesterday. Only, it’s been a year and I just want the lump in my throat to go away. I want to stop wishing that that night of the accident never happened. I want to stop feeling guilty that if only I called him back that night, he would have never gone out, if only my words would have been nicer to him the last time we saw him before the accident happy and healthy at a church christmas party two days before.

    I just miss him and really would have liked him to know his grandkids.

  55. Donna Anderson said on January 27, 2013 at 4:04 am ... #

    Hi, i lost my dad on the 13th July 2012 he died through pure negligence which we are in the last stages of court papers. My dad died from cancer but we now know his life would have been cut short but we could of had another 10 years with him. He died of cancer but his 2 year battle with cancer he had to have a high leg amputation & that was the day he declined further. Since dad got ill everyone put me on a pedal stool told me how amazing and strong I am. I don’t feel strong I feel very sad, my mum is broken and I never know what mood she will be in whether its anger or sadness. My brother who is 27 is broken. We also have a mortgage to take on as well as me now running his contracting company. The pressure is huge. If my boyfriend goes and parties I feel upset that he is not around but that’s wrong of me as he lost his mum 2 years ago and going out taking drugs and dancing is his way of dealing with it. I don’t do drugs hardly drink I’m full of anxiety and wish I had the zest for life that others have. I’ve done my partying days but I wish I could feel peace in my heart. It’s very hard and wish you all comfort and hope I find some too.

  56. lezlie corya said on January 28, 2013 at 12:16 am ... #

    I’m 52 years old. I live with my dad, I was with him til his end. I still live in our house ,I still cook and clean for us. I haven’t let dad go, I just can’t. I talk to him,every day. I set his medicines up everyday for him. We still watch our favorite shows. My therapist, says dad is not there, he’s only in my heart. I don’t believe that. As long as I’m not hurting anyone, believing he s still with me in the house. I will forever, continue to take care of him. Dad is my life , I will not let him go. .. maybe I can’t see him but I know he s here with me. I find his pennys all the time.

  57. mar said on January 28, 2013 at 1:17 am ... #

    My husband and father of 5 children passed away on January 9, due to cancer. He never did give up, but cancer had spread to many parts of his body. My kids were his caregivers. I’m so proud of them for taking care of him. This is just so difficult for all of us. We were married 33 and had so many wonderful memories and the kids do as well. So painful. I go to cemetary and visit him. Me and my son stay up at night and talk about him. When does the pain lessen? Can’t sleep at night and really don’t want to go anyway. Just feel horrible that kids had to go through this and see all the pain and suffering he endured. Cancer is such a horrible horrible disease. Never did give up hope, always believe and have faith.

  58. Shanmuganathan Rathinavel- Tamil Nadu-India said on January 31, 2013 at 5:49 am ... #

    This is the right thing. Honestly i telling you that you are right. because i lost my father just before 20 days.(08/01/2013) I suffered lot because i thought that how can we face every thing in the future because i am the eldest son. because in my state eldest is the most responsisble person. Now i am married & have one female baby & doing professional business like auditor because i am in CA final. every one know CA is a turf-est one. How to complete that i don’t know? and still i am not able to accept my dad was died. My mom is very suffering & crying every day. here i want to tell that every one come to remind again by asking the death details. but my mom is suffered lot by the situation. My situation is very crucial because i have not matured that much because now i am 34 years. So My Problem is

    my self

    How can we manage? please get me relief.

  59. monalisa said on February 1, 2013 at 3:05 am ... #

    Im glad I found a place with others that I can express the same experience of loosing Father. My father had battled heart conditions before I was born (in his late 20’s) and passed away Jan 16, 2013 at 62 years old. We were very close and almost all of my cousins looked to him as a father figure which I am so proud of him to be for others as he was to me. Growing up as a child I would lay on his chest and listen to his pacemaker tick and tock, he was a fighter and underwent many health obstacles which left me astounded because me and my sister understood that we could have been fatherless at a very young age. Although my father has taught me to be very strong and to never give up, it is difficult to understand that I cannot call him every other day and listen to him for comfort and advice. He was the only one I knew really loved me and really always wanted to be a part of my life. as compared to everyone (this is in no way blaming or negative) who has built relationships that has left me feeling on my own. I was at my sisters home the for two weeks after our loss and was pushed to get out of bed and help with arrangements. As much as I feel like I can laugh with friends and keep somewhat occupied, I have no energy and cannot get myself to do much which is unlike me because I am such a restless person. I have been feeling so lonely and hopeless especially at night but I’m really trying to stay optimistic about my future, love myself, and understand that I will get through this. I wish all of us much love and strength, and that we are not alone.

  60. Tammy said on February 3, 2013 at 11:25 pm ... #

    My dad died October 28,2012. It was sudden my aunt called me at one in the morning and told me that nursing home that dad lived at was sending him to the hospital well she called and told me that he was stable and that we didn’t need to go up to the hospital. We didn’t go up and I regret it because I didn’t get to say good bye. He past away 4:58am. He died of respitory failure. He had dementia too. He lived with tourette syndrome all his life. I’m getting counseling. I miss him and mom so much. Mom past away February 7,2003. Why is it so hard? I feel like life doesn’t have purpose anymore, my friends don’t care, I just can’t go on anymore. Heavenly Father please get me through this pain it’s so unbearable at times. I love you mom and dad and miss you both. Guess what mom and dad your granddaughter is going to have twins in may and they are boys.

  61. Tammy said on February 4, 2013 at 9:35 am ... #

    Hey is this site only for younger people if so sorry about my last inquiry. I didn’t know, but felt good to write.

  62. Vanessa said on February 4, 2013 at 10:01 pm ... #

    Your story brought tears to my eyes!! I lost my mother unexpectedly at the age of 10. I was heartbroken inside but I was so young to really express my sadness. I never spoke to anyone about how I really felt, and I tried not to shed tears and brake down. As I grew older and the years passed I started to feel it more and more. It has been 13 years and it feels as if it was just yesterday that I lost her. I wish I would have listened to my family and went to therapy. I was too stubborn and didn’t listen. I think that is awesome that you realized you did need help and went to therapy. I didn’t go to see a therapist until I was 18!! I still feel a huge sense of grief every year on the day she passed away, her birthday, holidays, graduation, anything that I wish she would be a part of. I feel uncomfortable crying and braking down in front of people because it has been so long since she passed away. I feel like people just do not understand and probably wonder why I cry as if she just passed away. I know I will never wake up and think about how life would be if she was still here, but god only takes the best so young and I know she is with me every step of the way!! I’m very proud of you and I think you are defintetly doing the right thing!

  63. Tammy said on February 5, 2013 at 10:43 am ... #

    Thank you for your response. It so hard. I have my siblings but I feel so alone. I don’t want to care or worry about anybody because in fear they too will die. The grief process is so unbearing hard. I just don’t know how I’m going to go on. I lost a lot of interest and pleasure in doing things. You take too.

  64. bev pfitzner said on February 13, 2013 at 5:57 am ... #

    thank u so much everyone sharing their experiences i have had over 9 losses in the past year the pain is overbearing but just reading what u are all going through gives me peace that we are normal just hurting and there are ways to cope once again thank you

  65. Debra said on February 13, 2013 at 8:50 am ... #

    I lost my dad in August I miss him so much,wished I could of eased his pain miss hearing his voice and seeing and ringing him it’s so hard I’m an adult but i called him daddy still.then 8days after losing my wonderful dad I lost my younger brother i miss them both so much I feel so alone there’s a hole in my heart and I don’t know how to fix it

  66. Tammy said on February 14, 2013 at 9:19 am ... #

    Dear Debra, please get counseling. I have only had 4 sessions it helps. I feel so alone too. I miss my dad and mom so much that it gets unbearable. Right now I feel what’s the purpose of living. I really have nothing to look forward to. TAKE ONE DAY AT A TIME! people say. Take care of yourself and hang in there.

  67. Kristy said on February 14, 2013 at 3:25 pm ... #

    I lost my Mom on January 10th of this year (2013). My dad died when I was 15 years old, back in 1976. Now I lose my Mom, it was sudden even though she was almost 88 years old. I’m thankful I had her that long, but still angry that she is gone and an very selfish right now. I have lost 13 pounds in a month and I feel terrible most of the time. I feel like I have the flu or something. I finally made an appointment with my doctor for in the morning. Maybe he can help. My birthday was not long after Mom died and it was a terrible birthday. I love my Mom dearly and can’t believe she is gone. I used to call her everyday after work, so now when I leave work, I cry all the way home. I miss calling her and hearing her voice. Lord, how do people do this – I’m having a terrible time with this loss. Now, my daughter just got her license and that gives me something new to worry about. It would be the end of me if something happened to one of my kids. I pray that all of you get better and that God will help us all through this. What choice do we have?

  68. sidd said on February 15, 2013 at 1:40 pm ... #

    I lost my dad just 20 days before becouse of cancer, i satnd like a duffer when he struggle with pain of killer cancer .His lungs effected with cancer so he was not able to breath properly now i am feeling the same and not able to sleep and breath properly . i am feeling i am die in a similar way……

  69. unlike others said on February 16, 2013 at 3:08 am ... #

    i lost my dad 2 days ago, at this current time there has not been a time where i thought of him. Being the oldest of three, i have had to be the strength for my mother as well as my 2 youngest sisters. My dad passed away at the age of 61 and i am 39. This has been horrible and i hope no one has to deal with it. If there was a saying to others, accept and love the relationship u have and never forget to say i love you

  70. anonymous said on February 16, 2013 at 11:54 pm ... #

    I am 13 years old and I lost my father at 9 and my step father 15 months later when I was 10. I am depressed. nobody knows except my one Bestfriend. I trust her with my life. I want to get help and go to therapy but my mom thinks I am happy and I don’t want to spring this on her. I am always sad, numb, crying, depressed. kids at school call me fat or ugly and my teachers talk about dads constantly not knowing my past. my father was a drunk who cheated on my mom and they got divorced when I was 2. my step dad was basically my dad. I loved him so much. he was legit my everything. the day he died I thought it was a nightmare. I miss him every minute and constantly see him as I would when he was alive. he was the best, most kind man I had ever met in my whole life. he was kind, caring generous, funny, talented, a chef, a math matisian, a skilled wood worker, amazing, funny, loving, always there for me. he was my dad when my biological dad was drunk and not talking to me. I would do anything to have my step dad back and I’m not doing well. I regret not spending enough time with him even though I spent as much time as I could with him. rip 10-27-10

  71. max said on February 18, 2013 at 8:34 pm ... #

    Very much missing my dad tonight as always, lost grandma too last year.
    No regrets both knew i loved them very much, i told them constantly,but
    tonight I’m in pain and the anxiety and depression that has followed has
    been terrible , im sure winter season doesnt help. As i sit here with
    tears on my face, i find encouragement that in a world of darkness and chaos there can be so many compassionate people, who simple miss the love of someone important to them.

  72. Bee said on February 18, 2013 at 11:59 pm ... #

    Reading all your posts brings tears to my eyes. I lost my father (who truly was my idol)in June 2012, the exact date is lost to me ina cloud of pain – he lost a 2.5 year battle with lung cancer, my uncle who i loved a few months before to pancreatic cancer.
    I broke up with my partner a few weeks after my father passed, i didnt eat sleep, struggled to concentrate on anything 0- I was very slowly feeling stronger and even having an odd laugh with my mum about Dads quirks, then last night i went to the hotel to get a bottle of something and it was a hotel that my family ate at weekly togther…. I could swear I saw him,waiting for me like he used too….. I feel worse now than I did 6 months ago. It felt so real – I have just felt so empty since.
    He wasnt just a father, he was my Dad and my best friend

  73. Brenda said on February 20, 2013 at 11:13 am ... #

    I used to tell people that I am a daddy’s girl. Now it is I was a daddy’s girl. My father ‘fought a good fight, and finished the race and he never lost his faith.’ (2 Timothy 4:7) However it is still so painful. He left his body on Valentines night and my heart feels like it has been torn in half. I try to keep busy so that the tears and the angry can be checked. I do not want to burden my children and friends with this horrible pain. my Dad was my hero, my rock and my friend. When my mother was upset with me, he would always tell me….’Well you pissed your mother off again, and I would respond with I’m sorry. I know she is making it hard on you.’ He’s just laugh and say its okay, someone else is getting a break because when she’s mad at me she takes it out on you. My father never judge or condemn anyone, he always tried to see the best in people. The best lessons (sayings) that I learned from him were 1- if you don’t have something nice to say about someone, then don’t say anything . 2 -Treat others the way that you want to be treated. My brother and sister would not help in the caring for my dad and my mother was not able. my 2 daughters help me and we were his caretakers. Of course my mother and siblings did not try to ease any of our burden. I am very resentful for their lack of help and support. They are the type of people that allow others to do all the work and pay all the expense, so they can show up and take the credit for a job well done. So I guess I am not only grieving the loss of my beloved father who showed that he loved me, but also angry and some what hostile toward my mother. It has always been hard to watch how she adored my siblings and talk about how great they are. And now the one parent that made me feel as if i belong and was loved as a child is gone. I am numb and having a hard time dealing with all of this.

  74. Zen said on February 22, 2013 at 4:28 pm ... #

    (I am sorry if there’s a bad English because English not my first language.)

    I just cried when I read your story. I am 22. My father passed two weeks ago, on 8 February 2013. On a really young age. Considering that he’s still 46 when he passed.

    We lost him because of cerebral hemorrhage.. after two days in comatose, and of course after a sudden tragedy because before he collapsed, the fourth of us still talked together.

    I and my father actually really closed, but because he’s so busy, we only have a moment to talk together. And that’s what made me still grieving of losing him. Up until now.

    Actually, without really know what I feel, one of my lecturer said that I am a really strong girl, because I never cried. I know that I only act strong in the front of them, because I don’t really want to trouble them (my mother especially).

    But, this sad feeling still there. I still grieving on my father’s death… I don’t know what to do in the future without my father,that everyday before going to college I always kiss his hand. And he always watch me when I’m going from home to college. It’s like that I feel so empty without him… Even though some of my relatives said that It’ll be a burden for him if I don’t let go this hard feeling.

    Still, I don’t know what to do, even though I keep acting strong in the front of others, I don’t know how to deal with the pain of losing my father…

    (Even I still crying when typing this…)

  75. Alan'seldestgirl said on February 22, 2013 at 7:20 pm ... #

    My dad passed away just 24 hours ago. I cannot express the deep dark despair I feel as I type this comment. I was searching for some relief and found this site. Sadly he lost his fight against cancer which was diagnosed 6 months ago. He was only 62. I just spent the past 7days by his bedside with my mum, keeping a constant vigil and trying to will him to get better. We even slept on the floor in his room. On Monday, they said he had no hope of recovery from the complications caused by the cancer ( hypercalcemia, pleural effusion, fast heart rate, spreading cancer from the oesophogus, lung infection(or tumours we don’t actually know) and it was so devastating to watch a once strong and proud man fade away. It took him until 30 mins into Friday before he finally let go. He hadn’t eaten or drunk anything since last sun. It felt like we were starving him. They did make him comfortable but it was a while before they got the pain control sorted. Seeing him in so much pain was so distressing. He rang me last sun at 2am to tell me he loved me. He was experiencing confusion from the hypercalcemia but I think it was a cry for help. I feel so guilty that I couldn’t do anything to save him. I feel so despairing that he hd to suffer at al with this. I held his hand and talked to him practically the whole time. I don’t know where I got the strength from to reassure him last night as he slipped away I think he slipped into a coma sometime on Thursday.he was so brave. I am so angry that he is gone. I want to rip my heart out as it feels so broken. My 3 year old kissed my tears away today, he said he wold fix grandad when he got bigger as he knew he was very poorly. I have to keep going for him I know but the road ahead looks so black. I’m grateful that I got the chnace to be with him in his final days and that I have such a loving and supportive family, I know I can lean on them and they feel exactly the same, but it doesn’t lessen the pain I feel. I haven’t slept much in the past 6 months, since he was diagnosed, and had very little in the past week. my dad was my hero and no one will ever be able to give the same advice and perspective on life that he did. I miss him terribly and it’s been so hard being strong for him and my mum. I have now crumbled and feel so useless. I can only pray that as time goes by I will learn to live with the loss of the most important man in my life. I know as the denial and numbness wear off, the despair pain and tears will come even more than they already are. So sorry to pour this out on here, it seems like a place I can do that, and maybe start the healing process for myself. Thank you if you took the time to read this. You would have really liked my dad.

  76. Kyle. said on March 3, 2013 at 11:43 pm ... #

    my dad just died about an hour ago, and I read this and it inspired me.

  77. himapawan said on March 5, 2013 at 7:18 am ... #

    Before today everything was my dad…suddenly i couldnt see anything except darkness..i slowly realised that i lost my father ..who was my everything…Now i am in middle of the forrest where there is no light….i dont know which way to go ….the light (My dad) left me alone here in the heart linked with my mind which is still working in the hope that i could again see the light in future which wiil lead me to my destination……Hope is making me to live in the dark forest ……….i miss you and i love you Daddy

  78. unaware said on March 5, 2013 at 3:28 pm ... #

    I don’t know,I was never close to my dad,nd suddenly he died .I was the first one to know about the fact,and ran to tell my mom,infact I was more traumatized by my mothers reaction to the same fact.I don’t feel anything now,for my dad,but I’ve become really emotional in the topics related to me.if my mother scolds me its a lot to for me t ro take.I’ve turned emo,and amazingly can lie to the persons face and fake anything.and recently I laugh a lot,at things yhat are not funny, thank you for the story though,

  79. Tony said on March 6, 2013 at 11:37 pm ... #

    My wife of fifteen years lost her father in dec 2012, she is so heart broken, i cant begin to explain all the changes ive seen, i feel so bad for her, also at the same time scared, these postings are great to read maybe i can share this with Sandy, coping with a death of a loved one is so hard.. Thanks.

  80. maria said on March 13, 2013 at 6:19 pm ... #

    I feel the same way because my father just passed away this weekend and it is really hard. I am in my 40’s and have 4 kids that keep me going. He was the best dad anyone could want. I have cried and cried but I know I have to think of all the good things that we did and all the fun we had together and that is what is going to keep me from falling apart. He was sick for a long time but nobody is every ready to let go. He is going to be missed very much as well as my grandmother who passed almost 17 years ago. She was like a second mom to me. I know that life goes on but it will be hard.

  81. sandra gillespie said on March 14, 2013 at 1:35 am ... #

    I lost my father jan first of this year. 2013. I have never been much of a cryer but let me tell you this has been the hardest thing I’ve ever been threw. My dad was truely my best friend. He had althzimers n even though he wasn’t in his right mind he was still a joy to b with everyday. I truely beloieve he left us before his time. Per the doctors had him so sedated because he would get violent. Never. The less I’m experience ing a side of me I’ve never seen. I who on a normal basis might cry twice a year. Cry everyday. If I’m alone in bed or even just driving. I can’t stop thinking about him. How I should of would of or could of. Which I do know I did my best. But I just miss him so much. I’m 47 yrs old n I still have my mother. Who I see often. Which I aways have been very close to both my parents. I can’t evenx imagine loosing my mom anytime soon. That would throw me for sure. I only wish I could know he was ok. Possibly watchin over my brother. N I. For I have a sister but she’s not worthmentioning. We are not religion. People which makes it hard for me to wonder if he’s ok. Well dad if u cheart n miss you more. Ths for readingn hear or see me I love you w all my hea

  82. Adeana cooper said on March 14, 2013 at 8:24 am ... #

    My husband and I have lost our dads within a month of each other. One on the 7th January and the other on the 6th of February 2013. I can not believe how much it hurts to lose someone you love. We were very lucky to have them so long, as we are in our 50’s. we know friends that have lost a parent when they were much younger. Our dads were also great grandfathers to 5 boys under the age of 5. They both knew of another baby on the way, due in June, and had hoped this time a girl. They will now live on in our hearts, with lots of treasured memories.
    We love both dads with all our heart, and the treasured memories will last forever. Xxxxxxx

  83. brian said on March 15, 2013 at 6:09 pm ... #

    I have a hard ten years I lost my sister at 40 to cancer. was breast cancer to bone to brain to organs etc. She did remarkable for the time the doctors told her she had.
    She was diangnosed at 29. I was about 28 I think it was hard for me because I missed her so much. Fast forward five years my father became ill with congestive heart failure which I helped my mom take care of him. He was sick for a few years got the flu and went to the hospital only to be on the respirator his lungs and kidneys were shutting down so we had no choice to pull the plug. Lost my father that was tough. My mother went into a severe depression with anxiety helped her the best i could for a few years, then went to the doctors and her pulse was low etc they sent her to a hospital did xrays etc and then told us she had lung cancer mass in her lung, back and spline. She was there for a bit set up her radiation went to rehab and sent home on hospice. I was her pca taken care of her she did decent but then was bed ridden more pain as the cancer went through her body and eventualy she past away it was very horrific to see what cancer does. Now i lost most of my family been through a divorce with a drug addict and I have my three boys one is autistic but very sweet. All of a suddent i found myself having extreme anxiety and depressed feeling terrible went to doctors been on zoloft and ativan they are upping the dose because I dont seem to be getting better. This is very scary to me it almost seems I have had a breakdown was all my losses to much to handle. these stories are great but hope I get through this feeling of fear, loss, anxiety and depression.

  84. brian said on March 15, 2013 at 6:11 pm ... #

    I cant even think about my mother without crying this sucks

  85. Angie said on March 18, 2013 at 5:51 pm ... #

    Hi everyone,

    My beautiful DAD was killed 3 weeks ago by a truck who veered over the whiteline and struck my poor Dad while he was cycling on his bike. I feel like im not in reality that I cant wait to wake up from this horrible nightmare. My Dad was in his mid 50’ healthy so much like in him..he was like my best friend and the best Grandpa in the world. My and my kids are having a really har time processing this tragedy. I wish I could just have one more day with him. This is even harder for me because I lost my Mom to cancer a year and a half here I am in my mid 30’s and am literally an orphan. I have my husband and my kids who I love depply but I still feel so very alone and lost…I just miss Him so very much..I don;t know how to accept this kind of death. We just made plans with him for our annual camping trip =(

  86. Angie said on March 18, 2013 at 5:58 pm ... #


    I feel your pain and please know you are not alone. We must go on because we have been blessed with these beautiful children who we must love and pour ourselves into even when we feel like we have nothing more to give of ourselves. Everytime I’m sad, I look at my kids and thank God for them and thank Him for giving me all the years I did have with my parents even though it was not long enough. This is a reminder that we must live like each day may be our last..because tomorrow is not promised. May God strenghten you as I pray he does us all.

  87. Betty said on March 20, 2013 at 2:48 pm ... #

    I never dreamed what started out as a simple emergency room visit would end in a funeral but it did. My father was admitted to the hospital on March 5, 2004 with chest pains and was in the hospital for two weeks. Me, my brother, my sister, and my mother were constantly at his bedside. There were times when he was delirious and was not sure where he was or who we were and that scared me to death and the dr’s and nurses told us that this was normal because he was fighting stage four lung cancer and it was getting worse. On March 20, 2004 the dr let my father come home, we had all the family over and made it a big celebration because we did not know if it was going to be the last time Dad was going to be home or not. March 23,2004 my father went back in the hospital for fluid build up in his lungs and kidney failure. This was the last time my father would be admitted to a hospital. On March 26,2004 my father was transfered from our local hospital to the Veterans Hospital and on March 27,2004 four days before my 21st birthday my father, the strongest, most gentle, caring, hardest working man i’ve ever known, passed away.

    I was born three days before my fathers birthday and for 20 years we had always celebrated our birthdays together. The day my father passed he took my hand and said, “I’m sorry that I ruined your birthday.” I couldn’t speak all I could do was cry and hug my father. Four days later I was spending my birthday in a funeral home.

    It has been nine years since my father passed and I still have a hard time celebrating my birthday. I light a candle for my father and say a prayer but I have realized that I have to go on. It has taken me nine years and March is still a very hard month for me I have tried medication and counseling but I know over time I will manage.

  88. David wetherall said on March 28, 2013 at 10:16 pm ... #

    David 45…
    My dad passed away suddenly on 24/3/20013.
    My family are in total shock we loved him no words can tell.
    He was the perfect gentleman always made sure his shirts were clean and ironed
    And a tie on. The old school gent that’s what he was..
    My heart is broken i don’t ever seeing me being able to get over it.
    I keep asking people is my dad in heaven. I wish and hope one day or night he will get through to me.i feel safe being in my bed looking up to the ceiling saying dad I love you and praying for an answer. Or to see that smile everybody talks about.
    He smiled through the pain and wouldnt say anything about it.
    I just want someone to tell me he’s ok and happy and is in heaven.
    I love and miss u so much your loving son David..xxxxxxxx

  89. Mark said on April 3, 2013 at 6:51 am ... #

    I lost my Dad suddenly in Jan this year, I thought I was doing really well. I took hold as one of the executors and felt a responsibility to ensure everything was sorted. Over the past few weeks I’ve began to feel worse in my mind, even to the point of not being able to get words out how I want them to be. Fun things are now just something to do to keep my mind occupied and the support from my peers at work has been non existent. Not one of them has asked me how I feel and how I’m coping. I feel like telling them to shove the job but my responsibility as a parent and husband take over. I just want to tell people how I am feeling, yet that is difficult enough because I know it is not their burden and apprecaite they might not know what to say. I wake up some days and think I’m feeling better and then out of the Blue I like I’m back at square one. I know I have money coming from my fathers estate and it means nothing because the simple things in life are a challenge and it’s those I want sorted first. I just don’t know what the next step is I should take of just simpy plod on and wait for it to get better as time goes by

  90. Secretlysad said on April 9, 2013 at 5:55 pm ... #

    My father died a few weeks ago. I get up. I go to work. I smile a lot. No one knows how devestated I feel. Posting how I feel on this site had given me more relief than you can know. Thank you

  91. Anonymous said on April 13, 2013 at 12:15 am ... #

    I’m only a 13 year old girl, and the last time I’ve seen my dad was when I was four years old. Seven years later I was told by my pastor that my father had passed away. I immediately started grieving. I asked my mother when exactly did my dad die. She told me he died on October 8th, 2010. I was only ten and clueless on the day he died. Here’s the catch everyone , my half sister told me how he died (I was only 12 at this point) she wasn’t suppose to tell me anything about his death cause my mother didn’t want me and my brother to worry about it . Anyway, my dad was in Flordia , he was a wild man. He thought he could take on a gang by himself I’m guessing and he ended up almost dieing from that . So, instead of suffering threw the pain he decided to kill himself. I’m telling you that my dad was not a weak person. If anything the definition of weak was the total opposite of my dad . My Dad had a horrible childhood . He use to get abused by his dad . He was a extremely strong person and I respect him for that. But now that I know every little detail about my father I’ve been going through this deep depression nobody knows about.. Not even my own mother. She hasn’t seen me once cry over my dads death ever since the day I was told he past. I just through on the fakest of fakest smiles and play with it well. Ive been grieving for two whole years in secret now. Only my closest friends know about my “secret life” . I’m honestly tired of life. I don’t know if I should get help. I need it though .
    I have nothing else to say now without making myself cry more than ever
    ~~~RIP Dad~~~

  92. Anonymous said on April 13, 2013 at 1:03 pm ... #

    It is Saturday & I read every single comment.
    I am crying for all of us.
    My daddy had 7 heart attacks in 5 years.
    I loved my daddy. He was 34. & I am 9.

  93. Steph said on April 17, 2013 at 2:40 am ... #

    My dad just passed away april 12, 2013 he was 52 and i am 30. I feel so messed up mentally and i feel so down and numb and i go to sleep thinking about him and wake up thinking about him!! Im so scared that if i get better with dealing with my dads death that im going to fall into a deep depression and my kids dont need me to do that. Im just so lost and confused

  94. Chelle said on April 18, 2013 at 1:10 am ... #

    I just lost my dad 3 weeks ago and I am a mess. He was 58 and I am 37.I can’t focus and I’m always crying. I’m from one extreme to the next. I go days without eating and then I justload up on any and every thing the next few days.Most times I don’t kknow whethter I’m coming or going. My dad was my rock. I would and could call on him for everything. I feel so lost without him.I’m a single mother of 2 and my dad was the only dad and father figure that my kids knew. They feel like they have lost 2 people; a dad and a grandpa. We are all just in so much pain from loosing him and it feels like this will ever end.

  95. Jenna said on April 22, 2013 at 7:46 pm ... #

    I was 14 when I lost my ather to cancer too. I’m 22 now and it’s affected me alot lately. I think web it happens you go into shock to cope and you just become so numb to everything. I don’t even remember really what I did after that cause I just shut it out I guess. it’s honestly the worst thing I’ve ever gone through you lose a piece of yourself along with so many other things, security, trust, serenity. it affects your whole being. I remember telling my mom that I loved her at least 20+ times a day just in case. it’s getting easier i guess or maybe just less intense but it will always be difficult. I wish you happiness and hope you can come to terms with it all. (:

  96. Kevin said on April 28, 2013 at 5:00 am ... #

    My dad also passed away about 2 years ago exactly a month before my 19th birthday. I got a memorial tattoo hoping that would help some of the pain, but it never did. I’m 21 now and it kills me all the time. I believe one of the biggest issues is I hadn’t talked to my dad in over 5 years and when I finally did, he died and I never got to see the body, so I guess I never really got closure. He passed away of severe COPD and never received help. Over the last few years I have gotten extremely depressed over this. I made it into the Marine Corps very shortly after his death and have a successful career, but I just can’t shake his death. I have fallen into depression and half even hit alcoholism. I just don’t know how to handle it. I suppose the lack of closure and having a step mother that got remarried four months later is what really kills me in the end. Any advice is appreciated.

  97. Nicholas said on May 3, 2013 at 4:10 am ... #

    @Kevin–Hey, I’ll give you a response at the end of my post (feel free to skip through it)

    I’m 23, going on 24, and my father passed away August 20th, 2012, five days before his birthday. The sad thing was–he had bought me a breadmaker for my birthday (a few weeks later), and I had bought his presents. We had planned a big day together, I was taking a day off to see him for the first time in two years, and we were going to celebrate our birthdays. Steaks, sloppy joes, chocolate milk (his favorite as a kid, and he had it every year since). When the cops woke me up at 10 I thought they were joking, “Your father has passed away” and sadly–the first words out of my mouth were “… but he hasn’t tasted my bread yet…” two minutes of crying–then pulling myself together, I contacted family–all that. Just like you, people said “You’re dealing with your grief so well. You’re a champ. I’d still be crying.” … Why’s it good to not be sad when the only person in your life you used to call and talk to dies? We didn’t have a particularly close–nor “distant” relationship, we were comfortable. Sadly–we had just gotten to know each other, very well, on an adult level, and it was around four years into that relationship–he ended up passing away, without any warning. The worst part is–I didn’t cry at first… and now I cry at a lot of things. Movies, shows, music. Never used to happen, I would cry once in a few years. But now, it’s just shitty.

    I still miss him–it hasn’t been that long. It’s hard to tell if, losing a parent at a young age–is better than losing them at an old age or what, but all I have for a statement is “Life sucks.” I wish the best for you all.

    Good luck.

    Kevin: You would probably want to talk to my brother–since he went through something similar (I currently don’t talk to him, it’s sad). But–let me personally express seeing his body–would not help you. I can explain why because I’ve seen a living body and a dead one–and the dead body is not the same. The living soul that was embodied in my grandfather, wasn’t there when I saw him in my coffin. My father specifically told me “don’t let anyone see me when I’m dead,” and no one (but the coroner, and the cremater, and whoever “needed” to see him) did. So–personally I think it’s fine that you didn’t see the body. You won’t have to have images of what he looked like–and that is the best. As for joining the Marine Corps–was he a Marine, too? (My father was)

    My father, also, was an Alcoholic–and that ended his life, eventually. I’d personally say control the drinking–be sure to have a handle on it, and be sure to tell your friends “If I get out of control, help me.” As for a lack of closure–that would be the biggest thing, but the step-mother remarrying doesn’t help. So–personally, what helps me, is having pictures around. If I feel like crying, I cry. Though–it sucks, now random things get to me, people doing nice things–commercials, songs, movies, shows. I never used to cry–then after he died, I did (after, like, four months of “nothing”). If you’re at that point–I would see if maybe you should check out an AA group–they’re great people. If you think you are an alcoholic–or are triggering it because of this–AA can really help you.

  98. Kim said on May 10, 2013 at 5:36 am ... #

    I am so sorry for the lost of your father. I lost the most important man of my life my dad. Was always there for me and my kids I am angry why him he wanted to live to see his kids and grandkids grow up my dad died of cancer on 10-11-12 I miss him so much everyday I think about him my heart hurts I feel like to scream out loud why I am so depressed I can not focus or sleep I Need help

  99. Kim said on May 10, 2013 at 5:49 am ... #

    My dad was a man that was full of life he love listing to oldies and seeing his grandkids his last. Day at the hospital I told him dad u know I love u a lot I kiss him and hug him I took him home hours later he died at home this is the hardest thing ever I don’t know how I am going to go on the pain is always there i hate when people say do not cry u are not letting him rest in peace

  100. Freddie said on May 12, 2013 at 4:10 pm ... #

    My father lost his battle with cancer this morning. I work abroad and cant be home to bid goodbye. So far its a whirlwind of emotions, nobody at work knows about my situation as im not comfortable sharing my grief to everyone, thankfully i found this page to vent out. I regret not being there to care for him and comfort my mom…

  101. Ricky said on May 15, 2013 at 11:57 pm ... #

    Beautiful story, reminds me so much of what i went through and continue to go through today, my dad passed away 11 years ago, and i miss him so much!!! We did so much together and i have so many wonderful chersihed memories. I now have a son of my own and i endevour everyday to do as much for him and eith him as my dad did with me. There are times i will be doing something ith my son then il get a flashback of me and dad doing the same thing… Lets just say there a few deep breathes needed as i try and hold back the tears. To anyone whos ever lost soemone they truly love and care about my heart goes out to u…

  102. sash said on May 17, 2013 at 5:32 am ... #

    Hi everyone, I lot my father in 2009. I am coping up well, as in i dont cry, but that pain is still there, i still miss him. I stopped telling that to my friends cs its long time back. i do talk with my mother. Is there a way that i wont feel that pain and loneliness. I was really close with my father, and i am the only child. This is the 1st time i posted anything regarding this.

  103. Mike said on May 23, 2013 at 4:18 am ... #

    I just lost my dad two days ago to cancer and I have felt numb since. Chris, how did you cope? My dad was my advisor who I could call anytime for advice or just to vent. I feel like I lost that and I feel very alone.

  104. Tammy said on May 23, 2013 at 9:56 am ... #

    Mike all you can do is take one day at a time. My dad passed away last October and some days are harder then others. My mom has been gone for ten years now. I really miss them both. Another you should do is go to a counselor or grief support group. Good luck and hope things go well for you. Take Care.

  105. Lisa said on May 25, 2013 at 4:57 pm ... #

    I lost my dad on 6th march 13 . He was 66 and died of copd , unfortunately unable to give up the ciggys . I first of all pretended he was on holiday but can’t do that anymore as few months have passed . He was the greatest man ever , reliable , dependable , honest , loyal , wize and he loved me unconditional . He loved his family and would do anything for anyone . Even though my life is incredibly happy I have days where I feel so sad , down , lonely , annoyed and snappy . I don’t think I’m dealing with him not being here very well and after reading your blog and all the answers I really think I need some counselling / therapy . I am now a completely different person and don’t like it . I think my light went out when he died . God bless everyone , lets hope we all find a way forward x

  106. Bianca said on May 31, 2013 at 5:32 am ... #

    Hello, I am making a Sims 3 series on Youtube and I wonder if I can use some of your beautifully written story. My charachter’s dad has just passed away and you explained all this process so well that I thought I can use it, if you let me of course. Thank you.

  107. Ali said on June 4, 2013 at 4:23 pm ... #

    My father passed away 1.5years ago and from that time till now i am depresssed , i am still in high school , in a very awkward stage where no one around me cared, and with exams.
    My mom is a single house wife so the income has also decreased , i used to love my DAD and spent all my time with him and he was my role model

  108. sieglinde Washington said on June 16, 2013 at 11:53 am ... #


  109. Tammy said on June 16, 2013 at 1:54 pm ... #


  110. Kristal said on June 16, 2013 at 4:05 pm ... #

    My boyfriend of 12 years lost his father when he was 13. I always cry on this day because i have seen how this has affected him and his life. He quit all sports immediately, his dad was his coach, and this behavior of quitting/dropping out continues over and over again. He does not go to the cemetery like his younger brother does and I think it is because he refuses to deal with it. He has anxiety issues and I know it is because of that huge loss. I understand him and love him and I cannot seem to get him in therapy. If you have a young teen who lost their father, especially a son, make sure they participate in normal life events: high school graduation, weddings, and education. These are the things he has refused to do and I know it is because his dad is not here. Everything doesn’t matter to him like it does to others. His dad is not here to see it.

  111. Kathy said on June 19, 2013 at 12:15 am ... #

    My father died 37 years ago, but here I am at 50 wondering if I will ever recover from such a huge loss. It was as if the house that is me fell into a sinkhole because the foundation suddenly broke apart. Or the city that was me was washed away by a tsunami.

    Every loss I have had since has been more difficult to cope with, and I have had more than most people have in many lifetimes. I have consistently attempted over all these years to find help without success. I have asked for help and been denied.

    I guess I’m just writing to let everyone know that you need to protect yourself, to make connections that you fight to maintain, to be as strong as you can; to let you know that if you’re in your 20s and 30s and you still have tons of energy that you should live where you want, in a place where you have roots, where there are people who care about you, even if it means leaving one person you love behind. Because as life takes its toll, as it will, you will need people who share some sort of history with you, people who know you, in a place that has a history of your family, your ancestors.

    At this point in my life, I have no hope of ever repairing this cavernous hole that is me, so I have concluded that when the one last thing that I love with all my being is gone, I will go right after her. Maybe I’ll be able to catch up with her …

  112. Rhys Chant said on June 21, 2013 at 11:37 am ... #

    I lost my dad a year ago because of suicide and a week fought through of hospital and i am only 10 years old and i still wonder how he is he died 8th June 2012 and he was 47 and 1 day he was a very kind man always strong willed and kind hearted he had a drink problem and well was left by most of his siblings except one who sadly lives in Australia

  113. Allie said on June 25, 2013 at 3:37 am ... #

    I’m 13 and my dad will die any day now. I am we’ll prepared for this and happy that I have so many people who have experienced the same thing. My parents got divorced less than a year ago and for a while I hated my dad because it was all his fault. I’m still not on good terms with him, but after about seven months of dealing with PTSD from his abuse I have finally been able to talk to him again. He has an extremely serious drinking problem which is killing him, he can’t even walk anymore. My feelings are all mixed up and jumbled right now because I was finally starting to think about forgiving him, but now he’s in the hospital for the sixth time since my parents divorced. I have confidence that I will be able to get through this, thank you all for sharing your experiences.

  114. Carrie Jenner said on June 27, 2013 at 12:47 am ... #

    Hello, I am still in angry and depression because of my step mom and my mom because both moms don’t want me to see my dad in the hospital when I was 19 years old. I thought I can go see him after 18 years old. I was wonder Can they do that to protect me away from my dad? So No one didn’t explain to me why. So I was confusing and angry for all years. I am still missed him lot. Right now I am 44 years old. If they didn’t blocked me in the hospital so my dad will have chance to stay alive. He died from heart attacked Aug 4, 1988.

  115. Stuart Kendrick said on July 1, 2013 at 6:44 am ... #

    My dad dies in Oct 2009 from lung cancer. Not a day goes by when I don’t thing about him. Something inside me changed on the day he died. I still haven`t deleted his home/mobile numbers from my mobile and maybe I never will. Miss him so very very much.

  116. R.U. JAIME said on July 1, 2013 at 7:18 pm ... #

    My dad died just last night (exactly 7hrs ago)

    Mama, my sis and bro was in his bedside until his last breath. Though i want to be with them I can’t,I am working out of the country. But I was saying my i love you(s) over the phone the minute he took his last breath. I know it won’t be enough but i am glad he heard me saying how much he is very much loved. It’s sad i wasn’t there to give him my last kiss and hug.

    But I don’t feel crying. Instead I have this grateful & happy feeling inside- I know he was blessing God gave me. I know I won’t have another chance to be with him but in my heart he’ll always be remembered. So instead of mourning I feel like smiling while telling stories about my Papa.

    Papa thank you for everything. I love you, and definitely will miss you!

  117. Summer said on July 7, 2013 at 2:10 pm ... #

    My heart goes out to everyone here.

    My Dad lost his fight with cancer 1 month ago. He turned 59 six weeks prior to his death. I’ve always been teased about being a “Daddy’s Girl”. I have 3 brothers, so it was true. He was my best friend. I called my Dad with everything. And now I have no one. He is GONE. Grief feels more like dread or fear than heart break (for me, anyway), except what I’ve dreaded and feared the most has already happened, so there is no losing this feeling. I don’t understand why I’m not crying all the time. I wish I could – it would probably help. In the same respect wanting to feel better is a betrayal – he deserves my misery. He was an incredible person. I used to call him on Mother’s Day to wish him a Happy Mothers Day because he was a single parent. He really was everything to me.

    I keep reading these posts and see the word ‘cancer’ repeatedly. Cancer, cancer, cancer, cancer. I HATE CANCER.

    I haven’t read my bible since the day my Dad died. But I’ll pray for you all. God bless!!!!!!!

  118. sangs said on July 9, 2013 at 8:24 am ... #

    like most of them even i was my dad’s girl… he is no more now.. i din’t even imagine that he’l b leaving me like this nd go away from this world suddenly by a cardiac arrest.. he was never ill any time before that.. he wanted to retire from his job after i complete my engineerin… and he want to get me married with a very gud guy and play with my kids.. and i am the only child for him.. so all his love belonged only to me.. but now.. before his wishes come true he fooled me nd went off… nd the sad part is even my tears is not coming out of my eyes.. but inside me there’s lots of grief.. i need my dad…….

  119. sangs said on July 9, 2013 at 8:31 am ... #

    nd ya I LOVE U(power infinity) TOOOOOOO MUCH DAD… i regret for not telling this wen he was alive.. I MISS him LIKE anything.. ‘M NOW JUST LIVING FOR MY MOM… nd it’s same with her also.. MISS U A LOT ND LOT ND LOT DADDY<3…
    'm posting here bcus atleast by this way let me express my love on my dad.. "DAD" word itself making me to cry.. HERE I sign off.

  120. Mohammad saber said on July 11, 2013 at 1:32 am ... #

    i lost my kind ,sweet dad 10 day from know i feel very very sad
    my dad had hearth problem he was young he had 60 years old
    i try to pray for him to for get him for minete but i can not for get hin for moment he is always infornt of my eyes
    i dont know what should i do i lost my way
    i just have cry cry cry

  121. Anonomus said on July 12, 2013 at 2:44 pm ... #

    Your story, brought tears to my eyes, I just lost my dad 4 months ago, he was in a fatal accident. I too know the feeling of grieve, but never in this way. I lost my aunt 4 months before my dad, and My brother died 14yrs ago. This time it was different, I hate the world, and I dont want to be around anyone, but just like you I put on a smile and pretend that there is nothing wrong, and that I am living life to the fullest, but it sucks, and I dont want to do that anymore. Ive thought about therapy, but then I question, how an someone help me, if they havent gone through the same things I have? They do not know what Im feeling. You were very strong for going to therapy.
    This was an amazing story for me to read. thank you

  122. New father said on July 14, 2013 at 12:31 am ... #

    I lost my father suddenly Dec. 27, 2011. I watched him gasp out his last breath, and his heart struggle to take it’s last beat. I became a new father Nov. 8, 2012, watching my daughter come into this world. We had the first ultra sound at the end of March, so less than three months after watching Dad’s heart stop, I heard my daughter’s heart for the first time. Within a year I lost my father and became a father. An emotional roller coaster is an understatement. I have become more alert to the feelings of others. They think all is well, and forget quickly that a life shattering event occured. My first Father’s Day was bittersweet, but I found myself angry at people who could not understand why I wasn’t just happy and bouncing around. They figured I would be milking the attention for all it was worth, I guess. Instead I didn’t really want to talk about it. I took my 7 month old daughter to his grave, and sat and though for a while. I told her about him (I know, she didn’t know what I was talking about, but it was still theraputic). I have considered therapy myself. Your wonderful story has made me think of it more seriously.

  123. Heidi W said on July 15, 2013 at 5:21 pm ... #

    I lost my Dad to a rare cancer on January 4th, 2013. I was very close to him and tried to be with him as much as I possibly could with me living 7 states away. I saw him go from his vibrant, funny, and energetic self to a skinny, energy drained man of 58 years old three years after being diagnosed. I was lucky to have him as long as I did (doctors thought he wouldn’t make it a year), but I miss him so much and feel like there’s a hole in my hart that has been ripped away from me. I cry all the time and sometimes it takes everything in me to pull myself together for my husband and 4 year old daughter.
    I also lost my Aunt on my mom’s side to breast cancer on February 19th, 2013. This year so far has been very dificult and sometimes I don’t know how I’m going to get through it. It’s not nice for all of us to go through this grief, but it’s nice to know that there are many out there that understand how I’m feeling. I’ve been considering counseling myself, and I guess I should stop considering and just do it.
    I’m so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your story. It gives me hope that I too can make it out of this pit of sadness.

  124. Lesley said on July 16, 2013 at 5:14 pm ... #

    I lost my father in 1978 in a fatal car crash. I was 15 with five younger siblings, on the face of it people thought I coped well but I was screaming inside for him. In those days my mother expected me as the oldest to be strong, I put on brave face but not a day went through that I did not think of him until last year when my husband was diagnosed with cancer and survived 13 weeks, my children 15, 18 and 22 all helped to nurse him. A year after his death it is all very raw my boys get angry and shout and cry we miss him terribly. In February I realised I had forgotten my fathers birthday the week before I was devastated. My husbands death and our grieving had overtook him

  125. Frank said on July 17, 2013 at 10:39 pm ... #

    i miss my dad so much..i cry at least 30 times a day..i can’t sleep,eat or cope..i am starting to lose it..he is all i had..i have no family..i wish god had taken me instead..pray for me please..i don’t know if i am gonna make it..

  126. Heidi W said on July 18, 2013 at 12:55 pm ... #

    @Frank – I pray for you. Please don’t give up.

  127. evangeline said on July 24, 2013 at 5:45 pm ... #

    Cancer this,cancer that! How I hate u cancer for taking a man that showed me true love, life itself and how a lady should be treated. I miss you everyday dad. Rest in peace, you are my hero. I have no doubt that you will make it in the new jerusalem. Well done thou good and faithful servant.

  128. Joanna said on July 25, 2013 at 2:49 am ... #

    As I read your posts, my heart aches for all of you. I too am suffering in a dark abyss of grief. My beloved soul mate, my mother Krystyna passed away on Valentine’s Day after a five year fight with stage IV breast cancer. Without going into a drawn out story, there are dysfunctional family dynamics involving a now estranged brother who only added torment on top of the tragic situation the last 6 months or so of mom’s life. In the end, I was left alone with my sick mother in a new state, no support, depression, anxiety and OCD, as my brother decided he’d just leave and go to Ohio for a break. I eventually had a break down. Mom did not seem to be improving, unresolved nausea, weight loss, and the cancer ate away at her until she was taken to the Lord. My brother wounded me greatly by blaming me for everything that was going on with mom. It is bad enough that I constantly blame myself for her passing. I have to keep reminding myself that cancer is evil and it takes loved ones away from people everyday,but I keep feeling like I failed her and that I should have saved her. I torment myself about things that I should/should not have done, did I do something wrong? I have great guilt on top of the excruciating pain of missing mom. Is this normal? Will this pass? Is it normal for a sole caregiver at end stage cancer to have this sort of blame and deep depression? I know for sure that the situation with my brother only made the pain that much worse. I feel as if the self blame has become delusional, as I am second guessing everything I did and the lines of reality aren’t clear anymore. I feel like I have lost it. Tomorrow I will drag myself to my first grief counseling session, only because I promised my worried, ill father that I would. He’s worried about my health and the effects that stress like this can have on someone. Honestly, I worry about my health too; I was depressed and anxious during my mother’s trials and now months after, I am spiraling deeper into the pain and hopelessness. I just miss and love my mother. I know she is in paradise waiting for me. I love you my sweet angel, my mother!!!

  129. Fun said on July 29, 2013 at 9:37 am ... #

    My dad died when I was 7. I didn’t get a chance to say goodbye. He’d been in and out if hospital ever since I was little. I know what it feels like for you.

  130. Iqbal Hasan said on August 5, 2013 at 1:51 am ... #

    I am 50 and father was 92 and he passed away yesterday. I live in Australia and he was in Bangladesh and 4 weeks back I went to visit my parents and spent 12 days with them. Those 12 days were the closest time that I ever had spent with my father. Now I am so angry at myself – what was I doing all those 50 years? It is so painful. I lost my baby sister 5 years back from breast cancer and she was then 40. I thought it would be easier with my father but it is not. I am at work now trying to do something since morning but can’t concentrate. What I have learnt from my sister’s death is that you never come out of it (as some people say) but you learn to live with it. It has been more than 5 years I am still struggling to come to terms with my sister’s demise. Now my father’s has been added. How am I going to cope?

  131. Kate said on August 5, 2013 at 11:32 am ... #

    About 3 years ago my father was in a motorcycle accident. He died but they resurrected him and he was brain damaged. He couldn’t talk or walk and couldn’t even eat. He was in a coma but a few weeks later he was awake.
    It was hard to visit him because my grand mom decided to keep him in denmark. On March 16 he passed away from a lung infection. It was extremely hard to breathe for him. I was having a sleep over with a friend when he died. I never cried though because I went numb. Today we finally got his ashes and I have been weeping because that is him in the jar and I don’t know what to do. I’ve been depressed for a while. I’ve always blamed it on my mom because of the divorce they had. Thank you for writing this because I know what I can do with all my feelings I’ve been keeping inside me.

  132. Me said on August 6, 2013 at 10:10 am ... #

    To all who are blaming themselves or have regrets,

    What was done is done and we cannot go back and change the past. I lost my Dad this year, and instead of dwelling on what I could have done different or how I may have disappointed him (because that will eat at you) I need to move forward and all I…all WE can do is live our lives the best we can and make the most of our present and futures. Stop worrying, because worrying doesn’t change anything, stop blaming yourself or others for things that you/they have no control over (ex. some cancers). It makes you unhappy, ages you, and makes life miserable. Give yourselves time to mourn, but please find help if you find that it is consuming your being. I’m sorry for all of your losses.

    Opportunities fly by while we sit regretting the chances we have lost, and the happiness that comes to us we heed not, because of the happiness that is gone. ~Jerome K. Jerome, The Idle Thoughts of an Idle Fellow, 1889

  133. Kelly said on August 9, 2013 at 6:23 pm ... #

    I lost my amazing dad on 16th march 2013 hour and a half before my 26th birthday, he was on holiday in Spain with my mum and very suddenly passed away at 52.
    I’ve always been a daddy’s girl and would do absolutely anything for him.
    He was my rock and my best friend,
    In the beginning I was coping really well as I had to look after my mum sister and nephew but everyone was worried about me as the close bond we had everyone knew about,
    Now 18 weeks on its hit me like a ton of bricks.
    I went doctors today and have been put on anti depressents, I’m angry all the time and just wish he was here more than anything.
    I go to his grave everyday to see him and have a chat,
    I done a sky dive last Saturday for the heart foundation for my dad and felt so close to him I really believe he was with me.
    I’d do anything to have him back.

  134. Aisha said on August 13, 2013 at 11:30 am ... #

    I want to say a big thank you for the good work you have done in my life and that of my friend Preeti, for helping her to get her job back and others you have helped in one way or the other. What more can i say, please keep up the good work and thanks a million times for bringing my partner back to me. For the sake of those that will love to contact him, you can contact him via email Aisha

  135. Chris H said on August 13, 2013 at 9:19 pm ... #

    So Aug 31st will be 2 years since my mom died. I cant seem to adjust to the change. My mother was my best friend and I cant accept the fact that she is gone. My situation was hard because I had never experienced a death in my family until my mom. I was 27 at the time and taking care of her and not working because she was on Dialysis. After a couple months, she seemed to be adjusting to the Dialysis and I was able to get back to work and start living a normal life again. I wish I never took that job. I was at work and had talked to my sister all day long and neither one of us could get a hold of my mom. She lived with me so I knew no one was with her. When it came to lunch time, I knew something was wrong so I rushed home and found my mom deceased in her bed. I just cant get over the idea that if I had just stayed home that day or didnt take that job, I could have prevented her death. I know that we all pass away when it is our time, I just cant believe that it happened. My mom was 59 and had so much life to live. I will never become whole again and that scares me.

  136. Rage said on August 15, 2013 at 7:51 am ... #

    i lost my dad a few weeks ago, he was 53 – he passed away in hospital with a heart condition. 8 years ago my mum passed away – then my younger brothers was 10 & 16 – now they are 18 & 24.

    i am now 30 and will need to take on the responsibility of helping an caring for my brothers.

    i sometimes believe this world is so cruel. i guess we all in similar boat and i just pray that things work out for all of us.i believe god
    will guide us thru this difficult times.

  137. esther said on August 21, 2013 at 9:57 am ... #

    plz someone pray for me i lost my father today,i was suppose to ask forgiveness for many things but i even was not present at his last breath now am restless oh plz keep me in your prayers.

  138. sho said on August 22, 2013 at 11:30 pm ... #

    It is very sad that u lost your father, bet be patience, it could be peace for him.
    And always his bless with you, as you share to us
    we will pray for you.

  139. jrm said on August 27, 2013 at 2:53 pm ... #

    To Chris from Aug 13 post, and so many, and especially the first poster. We all seem to have come to this page (or in the case of the op – created the original post) because of a horrible commonness we share. We have all lost someone or more than one who we really cared about.

    Chris H, I’m truly passing along my empathy and condolences to you. I lost my mother over 1 year ago in a situation where I wish I had been there physically closer. I was in the same house as her at the time, but elsewhere. She hadn’t indicated anything was wrong to the point that I should stay in the same room. Probably within 10 mins I heard a noise and found her and she had collapsed. We could not – including the emergency people that were called – revive her.

    I have beat myself up – eventhough told not to – emotionally with what if I had stayed in that room, what if I kept her in my sight. She had said she would be with me in a few mins and those were the last words we spoke. the next thing I’m trying to save her life – heart issues it turned out to be. She was 70 plus – but still it is very very very hard over 1 year later. As I type this I read the orig post and others including your’s Chris from Aug 13 and I started just crying.

    I searched for a page that maybe would give me some guidance.

    Life has been hard I’m going to say for the last year plus. It goes back beyond that with my father’s cancer diagnosis around this time of year (july aug 2011). He had not felt right, was into hospital and waited and waited while I feel he wasn’t getting the right diagnosis.

    As an aside I have a new skepticism of certain medical practitioners, but that’s all I will say on that. Be very greatful if you have a good doctor, and in hindsight if there is any inclination that you don’t have a good doctor – same as a good car mechanic almost – change. We tried to, but did it too late I guess. Sorry to ramble.

    We lost dad to terminal cancer early in 2012 – never did find out the origin. Then we lost my mom as described above, about 60 days later.

    I’ve gone thru counselling and various support. It has helped. But then you add in just trying to turn the page and carry on with life, and you realize that this journey in life is now so different without two people who I talked to daily. I would always talk with them, even if I travelled for business, I would call them, see how they were. I catch myself still when the phone rings at work – for about 1 or 2 seconds — thinking it is mom or dad asking could I help them out and pick this or that up and bring it over on my way home – to stop by.

    I loved them so much. I am now crying as I type this – my eyes are welling up. I am single and realize I need more people in my life. I feel lost in a lot of ways. I am 30 plus, and life feels like it has moved so quickly and in the wrong direction. I pray, and try to carry on, but it is very hard.

    Certain things I look at make me sad because I miss my parents. I am going to re meet with a grief person this week. I don’t know what to even say to them.

    I want to carry on. I just feel so lost. Parts of my life feel like they are stagnant. I feel so drained. I have been to the doctor etc, but it seems like this is just the process.

    I just pray for anyone that has gone through this. Seek out support. Realize that many aren’t going to understand, but take grace in those that do.

    I have had many people help me, and I want to help myself. I want to get things in my life that feel like they are missing. It just feels like I’m so drained.

    Thanks for letting me ramble on. God bless.

  140. jrm said on August 27, 2013 at 3:12 pm ... #


    After posting earlier, I re read some posts and saw yours. In my opinion – and it’s not a professional opinion – please DO NOT blame yourself.

    There are probably unfortunately many of us who have dysfunctional family dynamics. This by no means is meant to minimize your situation. I truly am sorry for what you have gone through.

    For your brother to do what he did (from what you describe) is not right. It seems some people like to just blame others and it makes them feel better. It sounds like from recalling above what you wrote, that is what he is doing.

    It is adding pain to what you have gone through.

    I felt I had to reply because I have seen this type of “game” before. I don’t know, but I assume that people who like to torment someone the way you seem to have been bothered by your brother, get some kind of twisted joy from it. Or maybe they have some issues that really should be resolved through a medical person but the tormenter sees nothing wrong with themselves. It’s almost as if they are so narcicistic (spelling?) as it’s been described to me – that they feel they are just so much better and it is easier to make others feel bad.

    Try to be there and give support to your dad as I’m sure you are trying. Do your best, and realize your dad is probably going through some sadness obviously to, and just do your best to be there. The one thing I wish I had done was find a support group after the death of one parent. I only found the support after the death of the other parent – and it was by fluke. I did not know such a group existed. So much time was being spent on so many things.

    It’s too bad your brother couldn’t be a positive support to you, but unfortunately reality is that some sibling relationships aren’t that workable. What we want in reality in some relationships just doesn’t come to be, and it results in you it sounds like having to walk this path alone.

    I’ve seen it where one may try hard to make a sibling relationship work, but there’s just too many differences that it’s not workable. It’s funny that we assume that as sisters and brothers we should all be able to get along. Unfortunately, it doesn’t always work, and I’ve seen situations where people in there 70s and 80s years of age cant speak to a sibling because of the sheer differences that are too large to overcome.

    My thoughts are with you, and I hope to hear back on here from you. Don’t feel alone please. Funny I’m one saying that after how I’ve felt today. Maybe this posting has helped me a bit. Maybe it’s Mom and or Dad guiding me here. I can only believe and pray!

    All the best!

  141. Heather said on September 6, 2013 at 10:59 pm ... #

    Thank you for sharing your story and congratulations for freeing yourself. Hopefully therapy is the answer for me as well.. My Daddy died 1 week, 5 days ago and I have no iea how to deal with the pain. Recently my fiance of 3 years also left me.. for other girls. I was trying to handle the pain from that and then my dad, the one person in life who is supposed to be invincible, commits suicide 2 months later … And on top of everything, I’m pregnant with my ex fiance’s baby… I have no joy, I can’t sleep, I force myself to eat but usually can’t keep it down.. I hate for my 2-year-old to see me like this and I try to hide it, but putting on a facade is becoming exhausting.. Sometimes I just wish I could go with him… Btw, I’m 22.

  142. Heather said on September 6, 2013 at 11:56 pm ... #

    Sorry for rambling but there is something I would like to add. I wasn’t able to see my father’s body and say my final goodbyes because the people who performed the autopsy butchered him so badly, the people at the morgue couldn’t make him look like himself again. They “had to” examine his brain and God knows what else they did to him. Every time I think about it, it makes me sick. They didn’t even mention this to his family beforehand. They just took it upon themselves to butcher him beyond recognition. I think that should be illegal and I plan to do something about it, so no one else has to go through this. My mom was already devastated and she had to hear that… Does anyone have any advice on what I can do about this? Thank you in advance.
    God Bless †

  143. Farzin said on October 5, 2013 at 9:42 pm ... #

    I give you so much credit for posting this. I dont think people who did not lose a parent as a child can ever understand how hard it is to cope with the pain and the hurt and it never goes away. Reading your story gave me some comfort. I lost my father when I was 4 years old and only remember flashes of him and the pain began to surface later in life as a realized how much his loss was hurting me and my development. I never had the chance to grieve because I was so young and traumatized by the loss. MY grandmother died last year and that was also very painful because she raised me and was my closest family member, even closer than my mother. I decided I didn’t want kids of my own partly because the pain I went through affected me and it just did not feel right. Hearing your words was helpful. thanks.

  144. Kathy said on October 7, 2013 at 12:31 pm ... #

    I wrote about my feelings here on June 19, 2013, and have read all the posts from others since that time.

    Like many of your parents, my father died of lung cancer. I think of him as a “pioneer” in terms of cancer treatment because in the 1970s, he became a volunteer in the first clinical trials of radiation and chemotherapy at the NIH in Bethesda, MD.

    But he also achieved so much more when he was involved in politics, serving on a county council, working as a campaign manager for Maryland governors in the 1970s. He was a builder and apparently a “house flipper” before that term was even coined.

    He always had a vision of how things could be and somehow he managed to, even in homes that had almost completely burned to the ground or otherwise been nearly demolished, rebuild them to perfection. He was a perfectionist, hard on us but even harder on himself.

    I learned so much from him and planned to live my life being of service to others, but I have managed to fail completely. I don’t know why I can’t be more like my mother or sisters or so many other people I know who seem fine with focusing on themselves and their lives and not thinking about other people.

    A lot of posts here reference other parents or relatives who kept those of us who needed “closure” away from the parent. Other posts here talk about parents who committed suicide or otherwise inadvertently caused their deaths.
    Still other posts are from those of you who are young, not even 18 years old.

    What I have discovered in my 51 years of living thus far is that when it comes to your children, to your nieces and nephews, to grandchildren, very often there is something dysfunctional going on between adult siblings that the children are never aware of but that lead the adults to feel that interaction with the absent parent will do more harm to the child than it would to see the parent.

    Would you really prefer to see the worst in your parent who died, to know that maybe they were living in their own private hell and could have unintentionally caused you harm? That’s usually what parents are protecting children from.

    A lot of our parents who died as a result of alcohol, smoking, even auto accidents, never set out to hurt themselves or hurt their children. We use toxic chemicals and pesticides every day on this planet without a second thought as to whether we might be damaging ourselves and our children and even our pets.

    What’s worked for me is just forgiving and trying to focus on fixing my life and giving to charity, if nothing else. And I had to accept that I might never know why someone behaved or acted a certain way and just not question that. Sometimes people don’t know themselves why they do what they do.

    I’m trying to get well so maybe I could go back to college and get my teaching certificate. I really wanted to teach when I was younger, but my mother said “you’ll never make a living at it”, which she said about every occupation/major I chose and apparently also said to my sisters, I recently learned.

    Since I never had any children of my own, and my nieces and nephews have all grown and some moving away, that’s a huge cavern in my heart and soul. I thought I would have children, I planned to have children, but I never reached the position in my life where I believe I needed to be to bring a child into the world.

    My plan was like a TV show from the 1950s. The right man was going to come into my life, we’d get married, he’d be the “breadwinner” and I’d be the “homemaker”. A few years after getting married we’d have at least 2 children who I would be able to be with 24/7 instead of going to work. I knew back when I was a kid, 8 or 9 years old, that I could never work and have children too. It must have been some intuitive or instinctive feeling at that time because being so young, I wouldn’t even have enough information to make a decision like that.

    That was in the late 60s and into the late 1970s when feminism came into its own, and I was discouraged because I knew that I would never have enough energy to work a full-time job and take care of a child. I also knew that I couldn’t leave my child. Again, I’m speaking for me only, no one else. I’ve seen so many amazing women who are phenomenal mothers and fantastic employees, who are just magical to me, who I admire and envy more than I could ever imagine. These women are my heroes, stronger than Xena (warrior princess), Buffy (the vampire slayer), Jodie Foster (in real life), Susan Sarandon, Diane Keaton and a few others.

    I’ve written too much already. I just wanted to let everyone know what’s worked for me, what hasn’t worked for me, and basically that life is damn hard and planning for the challenges, obstacles and accidents is impossible. Take them as they come and enjoy the times when it’s quiet and peaceful, when you think you’re bored. Be lazy, be calm, and enjoy it.

  145. Patricia said on October 15, 2013 at 10:00 am ... #

    I lost my granfather a week ago, he and my granmother that passed away in 2010 raised me. i have been feeling numb and putting on the same face. I am suppose to get married next year and this has now become an issue in my relationship i feel so alone and hurt and cry even at work. my son that is 5 year old is also not able to cope with the feelings that has been stirred up in him. I need help but feel that if I cant even talk to my Fiance how am i going to get trough to some one else. I dont know who to turn to or what to do????

  146. sharon said on October 16, 2013 at 9:01 pm ... #

    I lost my baby in Jan 2011 my father in Feb 2012 and my stepson in June 2012 as I was still battling to overcome the raw emotions of losing a child I again had to deal with the sudden passing of my father, I miss him so much and I still find myself waiting for him to walk through the door at times I feel that I can not cope with anything anymore I want to curl up in bed and just stay there, no I am suffering from depression, my memory has left me, my lust for life has dissapeared so has many other things in my life… I feel so helpless and useless I have been for counseling but has made no change in my life or negative way of thinking maybe i will be better off with my dad… How do I shake this feeling esp. when I know my daddy is gone foreva…

  147. Coleen said on October 17, 2013 at 3:27 am ... #

    I lost my mother October 1 2008 and I promised her before she died that I would take care of my father. On October 7 2012 I lost my father. I didn’t think it could get worse after loosing my mom but I had my kids I had to be strong for (they were really close to her) and I was kept busy taking care of my dad. My dad was very independent except when it came to cooking, cleaning and such. So I stepped in. I quit work to take care of my family. My husband was wonderful through it all He never complained when I put my dad ahead of him at times He understood and knew my dad needed me. ( my parents married when they were 17 and 18 and were married for 46 years) when my dad got sick after never being sick his whole life. My whole life changed. I was very close to both my parents. Five months later my dad died and I feel so guilty. I keep telling myself I should have done more. I should have pushed harder with the doctors I should have been more forceful and demanded more from the doctors. they found a brain tumor 3 weeks before he died. for the last year I have pretended to be okay but I’m not. I can’t seem to move on. It has affected my marriage and every aspect of my life. My husband and I have drifted apart because because I have shut down. Thankfully he is still hanging in there. My job was taking care of my husband, kids and dad. Now a big part of that is gone and I am lost. After reading all of the posts I am going to get help. I need to see somebody about this. I can’t keep going on like this. thank you for helping me see that I don’t have to pretend everything is okay and that help is out there

  148. Sanne said on October 19, 2013 at 7:24 pm ... #

    My dad was my world. And no one compares.

  149. Yvette said on October 20, 2013 at 7:53 pm ... #

    Today has been exactly two months since my dad died. He was the most amazing person in this world, He was diagnosed in 2004 with having Primary Lateral Sclerosis (deterioration of the muscles) . He was a very positive man who excepted this disease so well. He lost all his mobility from the neck down. He had to be put in a nursing home as mom could no longer care for him. This happpened in November 2011 and was very hard to deal with. Our family went in to visit him regularly but it was hard leaving him there. His mind was still as sharp as it ever was and he was always telling jokes and being optimistic. The last two years, he would develop UTI’s quite frequently. Some so bad that he was admitted to hospital. Earlier this year, he developed a UTI and was rushed to hospital. The doctors told the family to be prepared for the worst due to dads blood pressure dropping so low. Once they started his antibiotics, his pressure started to go up and he improved significantly. Then at 1:30 in the morning on August 20th, this year, the doctor from the nursing home called me and said they were sending dad down to the hospital because he was running a fever and wasn’t with it. I met dad down there. He was running a very high temp but his eyes were open and he seemed to know what was going on. We were put in a room while the nurse started his antibiotics and fluids. His blood pressure was terribly low. I stayed with him until 7 that morning . All the while I was there, he kept fighting to stay awake until he finally went to sleep. I told the nurse I was going home to rest for a few hours and that I would he back in after that. Around 11:00 that morning, the doctor called me and said they were going to admit him. I went to the nursing home to gather his clothes and other things for him when the doctor called me on my cell phone and told me that dad took a turn for the worst and that the whole family should meet at the hospital. I notified my family and picked mom up on the way to the hospital. When we went to open dads room, it was locked and I had the worst feeling in the world. The nurse then came out of his room and told us that he had passed on our way there. It seemed like a really bad dream. I had to call my brothers to let them know before they arrived. Dad’s body was still warm and he looked so at peace but that didn’t help with the hurt we were feeling. We spent time with him in his room saying our last goodbyes. We had a beautiful funeral for him and so many people showed up because he was loved by so many. As time goes on, I am still grieving and going through depression. Dad was my best friend, my hero, my idol. He was my everything. Some days seem good and it seems that he is with me but other days are like hell. I feel like I can’t breathe sometimes. To all of you who have lost either a parent or someone else close to you, I definitely feel your pain and wish you all some comfort. It truly is a hard battle to face. Hold on to the wonderful memories you had and know that one day we will see them once again.

  150. Sheryl Silverstone said on October 30, 2013 at 2:29 pm ... #

    I wanted to share this with you. My daughter just wrote this about her dad.

  151. Ori said on October 31, 2013 at 8:04 pm ... #

    I lost my mother 3 weeks ago and lost my father 3 days after. They call it heartbreak syndrom. The feeling of saddness, sorrow and emptiness is massive. I feel my life has been taken out of me. There are days that I cry and cry and there are days I can not cry no matter how much I try. I hope I can function again like a normal person but I know I can not be the same. I miss their voice, their memories and stories. I don’t understand death.

  152. Melissa said on November 12, 2013 at 3:09 pm ... #

    I lost my mother on May 8th of 2012 (Brain tumor surgery) and my dad on December 25th 2012 of Lymphoma Cancer. I have had a lot of trouble getting past all of the pain. I am the type of person that can hide my emotions really well, but lately my sad face and feelings are starting to show through. I have always lived pretty far away from my father. We were not as close as my mom and I. They divorced when I was really young. This has to be the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. It is hard to cope with the pain sometimes. I just want to feel normal again and I am trying to seek out ways to do that. thank you all for sharing your stories.

  153. theresa said on November 15, 2013 at 7:12 pm ... #

    First off, I would like to say that I think you are a wonderful man. You are a truly an inspiration by the way you help people. The spell you cast to make Julius realize his feelings for me worked faster than I could have hoped for. He came to me 2days after you have casted the spell and told me everything I had been hoping to hear. I can not thank you more…. Now I can finally stop crying tears of pain and cry tears of joy! He is wonderful to me. Thanks Dr. Yoguda of

  154. Audrey said on November 15, 2013 at 7:12 pm ... #

    I don’t know how to express my gratitude to magic and spell cast. I have been a single mum for two months when my husband left me for another woman. I couldn’t stay without him. I was devastated and so lonely. I tried to beg him to come back but he wouldn’t listen to me or even pick my calls, then i decided to take to bringing him back at all cost. I tried a couple of spellcasters but no evidence that my husband was coming back till i came across this man online. I didn’t expect anything to happen but i kept my fingers crossed and just as magic is unbelievable my man came back to me some weeks ago begging me to take him. making promises of never leaving me and my son. Thanks Dr. Yoguda of the Audrey

  155. Mark said on November 15, 2013 at 7:13 pm ... #

    Wow, i recently contacted Dr Yoguda, Am i really going to get help?

  156. Audrey said on November 15, 2013 at 7:15 pm ... #

    Dr Yoguda is a real spell caster, follow his instructions and you will surely get results soon

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  158. Ibi said on November 16, 2013 at 12:14 pm ... #

    Than don’t ask for it

  159. Athos said on November 20, 2013 at 7:15 pm ... #

    I lost my dad 3 months ago from a sudden heat attack, he was 68 and the picture of health, a kind wise and noble man. He died working overseas to further complicate things. I’ll never forget the phone all from my mum after trying to resuscitate him on a lonely street in a foreign country in the middle of the night, it haunts me how she struggled to save him. One minute he is here, the next he is gone.The shock of it makes me feel like I’m living an alternate reality, like a bad dream, only I can’t wake up from it. I never got to say good bye, he never got to see me get married or have kids or reach my potential. He worked so damn hard his whole life and that was his reward, it’s just not fair, but I suppose life isn’t fair. I suppose we all die, but life now has a different meaning to me, it feels so short. His mortality has brought my own into sharp focus. The sad thing is, some people say you don’t know whet you have till it’s gone, well I knew, but it’s gone all the same. My Father is dead and yet Nazi war criminals end up living to 100, it’s not right.

    I’m not sure why I’m posting here, maybe it will help the grief. It’s better during the day, but at night, in the still of night, surrounded by the darkness, I have just my thoughts to keep me company, and they are not good company, like I could lose my mind if I dwell on it. This existence, it’s a strange thing, life, death, God, life beyond death, I wish I understood how it all worked but most of all I wish I could see my father again, and I live in hope that I will, just not yet, not yet.

  160. Anonymous said on November 24, 2013 at 10:26 pm ... #

    I lost my dad 4 1/2 years ago I’m still hurting it has consumed me and my relationship of 14 years I think I need therapy also thank you for your story

  161. Anonymous said on December 8, 2013 at 3:31 pm ... #

    I am 26 and I lost my precious Dad this year (March 2013)I have a tendency to just ‘blot’ things out and continue life as normal but deep down my father’s death has really affected me.

    I feel so low, it’s affecting my outlook on life, my relationship with my husband, I can just snap for no real reason.

    I feel like I have no real father figure in life too. I am a Christian but I don’t feel like I an talk to anyone about how I really feel, even my Pastor, my situation is that bad. I just keep it all inside. I know it’s not the best but I just don’t know who to trust.

    I just feel a bit numb and lifeless at the moment.

  162. May said on December 9, 2013 at 4:40 am ... #

    In similarity to some of you, it’s my father that I lost, 4.5 years ago when I was 18. How am I now? Not so much of a difference. College has been torturous, all my intellectual hobbies and interests drifted away and I become lifeless each day. I don’t know if its periodic depression because I never spoke about this to any professionals, but its usually the night time for me also. The darkness is not only physically scary, but it can mentally bring you down so much. The moment I’m alone, the moment I close my eyes, all I could think about is my dad. He passed away from liver cancer, and whenever I recall the day I was next to him before his eyes completely shut, his hands turned cold, I can only bawl my eyes out and shiver in uncontrollable tears and think about nothing else but to see him again, in anyway possible. Whether it’d be death. I’m not suicidal, but there have been countless thoughts of it. I’m graduating soon and is unmotivated and uninspired to do anything, what i believe is depression from grief takes away my energy and all ability to function. It takes awhile for me to fall asleep some nights, but every morning is a pain to get out of bed, all I’d feel is emptiness and the lack of energy and desire to get up and do anything. I do work a part time job, but is easily tired and again, unmotivated. I’m trying to take vitamins and lead a good diet, but it hasn’t been helping. Through some of these posts, it sounded therapy have helped some of you. I don’t know if I should reach out for that. Perhaps.

  163. Jaya said on December 10, 2013 at 6:07 am ... #

    I lost my dad on 2nd August, 2013… its difficult to accept death of a parent how much ever old he is. From Jan 2013 he was hospitalised 7 times for Congestive cardiac failure and paralysis of the brain. He had an angioplasty done in Jan 2013 and my family thought that he would be well for atleast 5 years without having to bear any more chest pains. But for 7 months he was continuously in and out of the hospital. His loss has left me, my son, my sister and my mom totally devastated. My mom has to live all alone now, having no one for company, i visit her for some time 5 times a week, but the void that has been created in her heart is not possible to be filled. Whenever we get together we just cry and think abt him. I really dont know how to live with this pain. It has affected my work and everything else. I just cannot concentrate on anything. My dad was so strong and a kind person. Wish he lived more with us !! Just want to tell u dad, u are loved and missed by us, we remember u at each and every moment, in happiness & sadness, the day u left us our lives have become empty. Not a day passes without thinking abt u. Please help us God … Luv u Dad, will miss u forever….

  164. sunset said on December 16, 2013 at 7:29 pm ... #

    Each day that passes drags me further away from the last time I saw my dad alive, he passed away in March 2011. I was always so isolated from the truth about life really when I think about it. I still always felt like I was still a child at heart until he died. As I got older, married and had my kids, I was now officially a “grown up” and I was really, I took on the responsibilities and the worries that everybody does, looking after the house, the kids, loving them and that was o.k. and I could do it all but still always knowing that my dad was close by and as I looked after and loved my kids, I felt that I too was still being looked after by my dad, my backup, my security net. In a way I never completely had to grow up, I was being encased in a bubble which would burst and leave me overwhelmed and that was the death of my dear dad. I am sure that a lot of you can relate to this and I am being in no way disrespectful to my husband who I love when I say that the relationship between a husband and wife and a father and daughter are different kinds of love and cannot be compared. The love between a parent and child is pure and unconditional, it is a lifelong bond that is formed and which cannot be severed, nobody will ever love you as much as a parent and vice versa.
    Today is the 16th Dec 2013, 2 years and nine months since he was taken from me. Is it getting easier? I don’t believe it is. I often heard the saying that a piece of me died and it really did. I have now become exposed to the real pain that life brings. I have lost my rock. I have nobody to reassure me anymore, tell me everything will be o.k. I am now the grown up, the parent who should always know best, do the right thing, know all the answers, not be selfish, not to feel tired or lonely or sad, not to be afraid but I am. The child like part of me that I felt all my life is dead, reality and bitterness, loneliness, hopelessness, grief and pain has replaced it, nothing will ever seem complete in my life again. I want him back, I want to see him again, I want to put my arms around him and hold him forevermore and tell him how much he meant to me, how I loved him, idolised him, thank him for being my daddy, I feel since he died that my life has stood still but am being pushed forward each day reluctantly like a fallen leaf is blown by the wind. My whole concept of life has changed.
    I hide a lot of how I feel and keep it to myself, my husband suspects it has gotten in on me, he tells me to go for counselling, so then I hide it more for what is a councillor going to do for me? I am afraid that the floodgates will open and I will not be able to cope with these emotions and nobody can actually bring him back to me so what is the point?
    I cry, see him in the hospital, what the disease did to him, how it tore the strong man I knew all my life to lying wrapped in a blue gown lifeless in that hospital bed, these images haunt my nights, he went through it all, his body turned on him and took his last breath from him. Why could nodody help him, why was he taken from this earth, he was only 59.
    I wish that life was not so busy, work, school runs, cleaning, homework, shopping. I crave silence, some time to lie in bed and not get up, to reflect, to think, to cry, to mourn, to scream out. I know what people would say, he would not want you to be upset, he would want you to move on with your life, you owe it to your children. You need to let him go, let him rest in peace, he is gone, he is not coming back, time will heal, life is for living, you need to go for counselling, you need to go on antidepressants, you need to talk to somebody, do you think that you are the only one that misses him, this is not normal, you should not be feeling like this at this stage. The problem is that when people say things like that to me especially “you have to move on with your life, let him go” I feel like punching them. Is it that easy to let go of a man that has been in your life from day one, from the day you were born and shown you only kindness, love, a protecive shield against the harshness of life just like that? I will never be ok with the fact that he is dead and I will never see him again, I will never accept it because if I do it is like saying I am ok with it and I never will be.

    Sometimes I say this poem in my head and try and picture him soaring above the clouds and sometimes it brings me comfort, some of you may have come across it before.

    “Oh to catch the winds of flight
    And soar where eagles go,
    To leave the woes of troubled souls
    Behind me far below.
    I’d listen to the song of birds
    And sail in endless flight,
    Then chase the sun through cloudy paths
    And play with the stars at night.
    The boundless heavens for my home
    The breeze to lift me high,
    To rise above my mortal bonds
    And never have to die.
    Knowing I had found the way
    To trails where angels trod,
    And when my wings could fly no more
    I’d take the hand of God.

    I am sorry for the long post but I know that in some way we are all connected and have found our way to this site because we are all in pain and want to talk, tell our stories, remember our mother/ father, let it out because in our day to day lives it is more difficult to do so. I hope that someday we will all find some sort of peace.

  165. Missy said on December 24, 2013 at 10:11 pm ... #

    Wow did you touch the hearts if many by sharing you story allow me to start off by thanking u for sharing as it indeed brought emotion for me as well and it’s the way you express you feelings then and now so deeply touch close to me exactly what I gave been feeling or thinkin at one point if another it’s going on 3yrs now sience my dad past away from colon cancer I still stuggle with that darker place u described as well it has Horton somewhat better I guess but I still fall short on my emotional days than the good days you story gives me hope thank u!!!:)

  166. RAY DUNNING said on December 26, 2013 at 11:38 pm ... #

    My dad died from Stomach cancer on August 3 this year. This is the first Christmas without him on the earth. I am not saying my Dad was easy or even present most of the time. His alcoholism and very painful wounds he carried all his life robbed him of a lot of happiness. It always made me feel like there was something wrong with me…with us.Something that we couldn’t fix. Even though Dad was there he really wasn’t able to be. He lost himself in his absolute favorite thing to do: read books. And he was so well read. From history to fiction he read voraciously. Thousands of books. I got that habit from him I think, although I read less now that I am 53 for some reason…I always think it is having to wear reading glasses…I HATE them! But my Dad was alternately charming and kind, and an absolute know it all ass and boor. He had a way of negating whatever was said by anyone around him…by saying “No, this” or “But..” that. He always had to top everyone. Near the end of his life I think he had become what he would have called someone else “a character”. But he HAD character as well, but it was overshadowed by his insistent need to dominate conversations and to just talk. I think his millions of words in a way were an alternative for the few words he could never say out loud” how painful his experiences were as a child and the loss of his mother at 4, being passed from family to family, his adoption, and his father/uncle coming back from WWII with PTSD and now disliking him and shaming him. He never seemed to feel good about himself. I could see and feel it. So now, years later I feel often times that way. And I wonder is it the same: sad for something that I had no power over, that he had no power over, and the lifelong self-blame for coming up short somehow? Even though he and I are/were both extremely successful in terms of profession. I got a box of things from my Mom today. Things like his medals and photos of him as a kid, and through out the years. And many of me. And the thing that struck me most was that he had every card, letter or note I can ever remember sending. Almost all say something about him teaching me right. I have always wanted to tell him that and have. As if to reassure him I was not a failure somehow. But really I think it was to try to bring some happiness to him. I was touched by the letters. I am not as sad and depressed as I was before. I had lost weight and stopped eating. But I also had to adjust the medication I have always been on” citalopram. I am a combat vet and have PTSD myself. So my depression came back and it was a tough one. I am feeling better now, although the grief came back hard to me on reading the things and looking at the pictures. I missed my Dad all the years he was that mysterious distant man that I idolized, who never seemed to be able to be around. But for whom I and my siblings always understood. Anyway I wrote a lot tonight. I wanted to share and maybe someone will read this and identify with me.I did not see my Dad the last 2 months before he died. When I did I held his hand and saw how much he wanted to do something for me…by giving me his EZ Pass, and his anger and frustration and powerlessness at not being able to recharge it. He really wanted to do something special for me. The cancer got bigger…he literally starved to death. But even a couple of days before he died, his desire for dignity made him get out of bed to go to the bathroom. He would absolutely not soil his sheets. He had made a decision after July when the tumor got larger, that he would die at home. And he did. With dignity and courage. I remember that the most now. He faced it with dignity. I miss him and I love him and I know he is OK. Thank you.

  167. mark d said on December 27, 2013 at 4:31 am ... #

    hi im mark i lost the love of my life my dad to cancer he was 66 died 27,11,2011 im now 45 we lived in the same house for 45 years my mum and dad were devorced when i was 13 i stayed with dad my sister went with mum
    im not very good with writeing but im so hurting in side so much dad was my world to me i miss more than words can say my dad got diagonosed with cancer in 2006 dad never put a sad face on ever.
    i was my dads full time carer my mum dosent talk to me in over 20 years never liked her boyfriend sister never came to se dad in 20 years but when she knew dad had cancer she started showing intrest
    i know whats going on me and dad were very close
    dad died in my arms its not fare im on my own now emtey house i was left the house now im forced to sell it thanks i have nothing dad was my life its hard to put into words how someone really feels im a single man at 45 i live a lonely life and its more lonely now try and carry on.

    when your so worn out thats when people really take advantage and thats how i feel.

  168. Eddy ramirez said on December 28, 2013 at 2:32 am ... #

    My name is eddy I am 12 years old my dad is in his 50s sometimes I when ia am about to fall asleep I wonder how much effort my dad puts in to me and wonder what would I do when he pasts away
    Every night when I think about him cry a lot like now
    I always hate I would never be son that he would love me to be
    Like he is the dad I always wanted
    Even thoe he still loves me a lot
    This is kinda stupid of me posted this I wanyed to express my feelings .

  169. John Stark said on January 6, 2014 at 9:46 pm ... #


    When I was 12 years old my father was 52, and I would worry very much about him passing away too. Just let your dad know how much you love him, he will be proud of you and that is being the son he loves – I am sure of that.
    Well I am 45 years old now, and my dad passed away very peacefully and quickly at age 84….and we spent so much time together, and I was ready – so everything is okay.

  170. patricia said on January 13, 2014 at 4:30 pm ... #

    my dad passed away when I was 13, I have never gotten over best advise to someone who is so young.4-50, ha please go see someone to talk have no idea how this is going to effect your future decisions.

  171. Andre said on January 16, 2014 at 10:12 pm ... #

    My dad died 2 days ago…he had brain cancer and he fought it for 11 months…

    Im 21, my mom is 50 and I have to now take care of her. I miss him so much.

    He slowly lost function. He lost his words, his function of the left side of the body and eventually he was so week to move. I will never get these images out of my head….The seizures, the crying, the frustration when he tried to talk… I am so fucking scarred.

    I tried so hard to save him. Everyday I researched so much. I called so many doctors, naturopaths, clinics around the world.

    This wasnèt supposed to happen to us. He was supposed to retire next year and live his life in peace In portugal and Canada with my mother..

    I am so broken inside

  172. howard safran said on January 22, 2014 at 9:09 pm ... #

    I lost my dad to stomach cancer 1 month prior to your dad’s death.

    I had images of my dad at the end also. “The images” are worse for us, rather than the other way around. As bad as those images are in our mind, the physical pain and the frustration in trying to communicate by our dad’s, was not as painful as your images in your mind lead you to believe.

    I do not pretend to be the least bit religious; I do not even believe in organized religion. However, I believe that both of our dad’s are reunited with their families in heaven.


  173. hind said on January 23, 2014 at 6:55 pm ... #

    umm hey … all i can say now is that i can’t support that pain anymore .. i asked for help so many times froms my family but i receive nothing … i have dark plans .. sometimes i wanna die .. i miss him so much … it’s been 7 years and the pain is bigger and bigger .. i’m 22 … sorry my english is not good , i’m arab …

  174. kayla said on January 31, 2014 at 6:54 am ... #

    My dad died today and I can’t get through it but I am happy I’m not alone

  175. vuku said on February 5, 2014 at 1:40 am ... #

    I cannot stand when people say after a beloved parent dies… ‘oh, they had a good long life, etc’ It drives me crazy! I’m 54 and my dad, 80, passed on 11/30/14. He suffered with some type of dementia but he still knew his family although not our names. I took care of him almost everyday along with my sisters and mom. It was almost like he was the child and we were the parents. He was funny and sarcastic, like he always was, right up to the end. I fed him the day before and he ate well. He couldn’t walk, or make much sense when he spoke at times but he loved to eat and ate well. Dementia didn’t take his life, it was a heart attack or stroke. My mom didn’t want an autopsy so I’ll never know. My dad started with dementia (not Alzheimer’s) about 8 years ago and it made me closer than ever to him. I miss him like crazy and I am still waiting for a sign from him that he is still around. I can’t sleep. I start to feel tired and lay down and my mind starts racing about him… what happened at the end? what took his life? is his mind now healed on the “other side? why isn’t he sending me a sign? Every night! I know sleep is part of healing your mind but what if you cant??? I have ambien but I don’t want to take it every night and even when I do take it, it doesn’t make me fall asleep, it just helps me fall BACK asleep since I wake up about 20 times a night. I never realized how painful grief is

  176. Courtney said on February 9, 2014 at 12:00 am ... #

    My father died when I was seven years old I cry myself to sleep thinking there’s no end to it but you have helped me a lot my father committed suicide in my grandmothers back yard I miss him a lot but there is a way out of the sadness I know he wants me to be happy so I will be happy I am 13 years old struggling but still holding on

  177. Connie said on February 9, 2014 at 9:25 pm ... #

    My father passed away on 1/22/14, and I don’t know how to handle this grief. While I know that he is better off now, than when he was living with Alzheimer’s, I can’t get out of this depression. I’m scared that something will happen to the other members of my family. I’m a nervous wreck and I have anxiety attacks. I’m wondering if counseling could help me.

  178. Marlie said on February 13, 2014 at 12:23 am ... #

    It’s comforting to have found this forum. So many of you expressed the things I am currently feeling. I lost my father last month. I put on a brave face externally but am crumbling on the inside. I am depressed. I lack interest in most things, typically quite social but have zero interest in seeing anyone. I am shutting out the world, barely sleeping, and trying to manage and keep my head above water professionally. Grief sucks and I am afraid I will fall into a deeper depression. I appreciate all of your posts as it makes me feel less alone..

  179. Venika Gaur said on February 18, 2014 at 9:27 am ... #

    People say that HE is in a better place…that HE is not in PAIN anymore…yeah!!..maybe HE isn`t…BUT WHAT ABOUT ME???
    They say TIME can heal anything…
    I am still waiting to be healed…its been 2 years since my…my dad died. God I still cant believe it. Its like the feeling hasn`t sinked in..Everyday I wake up n it hurts more and more…I am hollow inside. I am dying. I cant breathe…its like a hole inside me…a hole which can never be mended…
    And man… I have become so expert in faking my emotions..faking smile…I have to pretend…I need to pretend for my mom, my brother…for everyone that love me…I am like a shell…it so freaking much..I never thought HE would leave me…HE said HE will always be there…protecting me always… and wiping my tears..why did you have to leave daddy?? I am just 17..I need you dad…I am not that strong. Why did u have to go? Why?…Was I a bad daughter? coz I swore I`ll do anything…give away anything just to see u once…hear u once…
    The nightmares…they won`t go…I cry…every freaking night…when will this end?
    When will it stop hurting?? When will this suffering end???…

  180. Michael said on February 22, 2014 at 4:09 pm ... #

    It has been 16 years since my father died
    1200 miles away in Florida. I still miss him
    so much. His death started a 15 year
    carastrophy of sadness in my life. I never
    recovered from his death……then my mother became ill. My wife and I took care of her at
    our home for 4 months. We almost lost her.
    But our 24/7 care brought her back and she
    was eventually able to live on her own for a
    while. Then she got Alzheimer’s and needed
    to live with us once again. My wife was
    totally fine with it. So I won’t speculate about
    it. Then my wife began chanting in tongues
    and reading books on demons. It scared me
    and my mom to death. So my wife left me.
    We were divorced last June and my dear
    mother died 2 days later. I have had many,
    many more bad things happen in between
    those major events. I have never recovered
    from my father’s death. And it seems that
    at every turn I have more sadness and tragedy
    heaped on me ever since!
    I am almost 53 years old. I am sitting alone
    in a big house I built myself. I really don’t
    have any friends… wife… family….my
    mother was the last of a big family. Then to
    top off what has happened with her death….
    Going through her papers as executor of the
    will. What do you think I find? I find
    adoption papers! I find out at 52 years old
    that the people I called mom and dad…were
    not really my mom and dad! And don’t go
    into cliche’s about how they were and how
    they chose and loved me! God! Every time
    someone finds out they were adopted….they
    roll out the crappy cliches.
    Well…….no one feels more lost and “REALLY”
    alone in this world than I do! I am jobless,
    no hope, no future, no support……
    I literally cannot function. Can’t go to therapy
    because that costs money. Church doesn’t
    want to get involved either. Tried other
    churches……they only wanted to make me
    a member.

  181. Andrew said on February 22, 2014 at 8:44 pm ... #

    My father died today. I don’t know why but if this helps me as I don’t have a very supportive family after an 18 year family feud that wasn’t my parents doing.

    My lovely man your spirit is free, I left you with no doubt you meant so much to me. You’ve left me proud of what I’ve done and did it for love not just a son.
    You didn’t have to say how much you cared, as I feel it now through so much we shared. R I P dad.

  182. sanjitha said on February 23, 2014 at 5:15 am ... #

    Dear Michael,
    Don’t worry .This is all testing we get from god.No relationship is permanent. We are born to pay for the sins and enjoy for our blesses.If we devote and surrender ourself fully to god he will take of us after all we are part of him…People who lived Hundred years back are not now…NOthing is permanent except god.All relationships cme with troubles and problems.In bhagavat geetha lord krishna has said “never keep affection on anything everything will inturn bring sme trouble to us,world is full of illlusions to distract you,ill take care of you u like me or not”.He is the one longing for our true love…Please dont worry..Just think how happy u would have been if u were an orphan …most of the worries which u have now wont be there…so live life peacefully so trouble your mind and body too much ..they are dependent on you they are living only for you and to fullfill your needs .Dont hurt them love yourself and be happy.

  183. sanjitha said on February 23, 2014 at 5:19 am ... #

    * Dont trouble your mind and body

  184. sanjitha said on February 23, 2014 at 5:29 am ... #

    Very proud of annie and all of you here…You people are living life with so many struggles.Hats off to you guys..Wish you all a very good luck.

  185. christine said on February 23, 2014 at 8:14 am ... #

    my dad passed away in June last year from cancer.
    he came out of hospital to be with me and died too weeks later was at his bedside when he passed away.its like something Riped my heart out he was all that i had he lived with me and my husband.

    Its never going to be the same for dad was or is my rock he spoiled me rotton wanted for nothing.i love him to bits sometimes i dream of him.but then when i dont my world falls apart
    O i wish he was still here with me .
    When a song comes on the radio that reminds me of my dad i cry .Still have his clothes in his bed room cant bring myself to get rid of them
    dont think i ever will.when id go on holidays id
    always ring my dad .now i cant see the point in going away now because id always ring dad and ask him what will i bring you back.
    he would ask me how is my holiday going.
    please dad give me a sign that you can hear mexxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxchristine

  186. jennifer said on February 24, 2014 at 4:18 pm ... #

    I feel your pain and everyone here that lost a father or loved one. I came across this story and read everyone’s comments. It is comforting to know that I am not alone. Grief is a personal feeling but it still helps to know that I am not the only one who feels this way. I lost my dad to cancer in 2012. When I found out he only had a few days to live…I was in denial and completely numb. My whole life that was once so full of joy, turned upside down. My dad…the one who was our rock, the provider, the man who I first loved and loved me unconditionally. I asked myself how can life ever be the same and feel whole again. I was praying for a miracle. Unfortunately, he passed. I was relieved he wasn’t suffering anymore. However, until this day…I still grieve. It has been almost 2 years. It is definitely a wave emotions. Some days I feel okay and other days esp holidays I will just start to cry so hard. Everything and almost anything reminds me of my dad. My worst fears of losing someone came true. I know it is part of life but it is so hard to cope sometimes. My dad was the most loving and kindest person. He was nice to everyone! It always feels like God takes the best early. To everyone in grief, you will be ok. It takes time! Let yourself cry and talk to someone if you need to. That’s what helps me a lot! Best regards to all.

  187. jennifer said on February 24, 2014 at 4:24 pm ... #

    To Christine,
    The comment before me…Omg…I know exactly how you feel. I would hear a song that reminds me of my dad and just start crying. I dream of him too sometimes. Yes holidays are hard. I try to stay busy on holidays so I don’t think so much about it.
    I have been asking for a sign too!!! All the signs I get are usually dreams. I would wake up feeling like it was so real.
    All the best. I know what it feels like to have such a loving dad and lose them to cancer.

  188. aimee said on February 25, 2014 at 10:48 pm ... #

    Hi,I lost my dad when i was 14 it was really hard at the start we didn’t know what happened him an its nearly 4 months now we still don’t know what happened. I was coping okay for a couple of weeks but now its harder I cant sleep a tall at night and I keep seeing awful pictures of my dad lying in his coffin inside my head its the worst feeling ever! I used to love staying with friends and family but now I hate it I don’t feel close enough to my dad when im not in the house an i haven’t been out in a while either only been to the shop for my mum and its only around the corner! I dont know what it is that im going through!!

  189. ahabin said on March 2, 2014 at 2:05 pm ... #

    This same incident happened exactly a week ago my dearest uncle had said a good bye to one and all…… He was alright till morning 5 am and suddenly started to cough and then it was uncontrolable by him to which he just said take me to hospital.. By the time his son and daughter fetched a vehicle and was about to take him to the hospital, by this time he had a heart attack and just left all of us… But then was the saddest part that my sister she was in tears and then after the funeral she acted as though she was happy with a smile in her face but, i knew that she had hiden all her sorrows within that smile which makes me feel like it would be better if i would take up all her sorrows and bring the true smile oh her’s on her face… I just pray to GOD ALMIGHTY that it may happen as his wish

  190. Ryan B said on March 8, 2014 at 11:54 pm ... #

    I lost my father june 25 2007 I was only 15 years old. I still feel the pain everyday I pretend to be over it but I csnt get past it
    Its march of 2014 been almost 7 years and I cant get over it my dad had stage 4 colon cancer for 3 years. He was the strongest person I ever knew… he was perfect he was a disaplinarian but a loving father he was my best friend he could teach me right from wrong and still keep me loving him. Without resentment. I just miss him so much it ry hurt when my mother started dating it brought the pain back. It still
    Does I feel anger hatred and I don’t know why. I feel this for no reason at times. I’m 22 years old now married and it still affects me. I feel my wife doesn’t understand me or what I’ve been through she tthinks I’m like every other man and he raised me with morals with the bible to treat women with respect to be faithful and my wife has jealousy and anger…I don t have any friends anymore. I did but my wife makes it a hassel. I can’t even really see my family

  191. Ryan B said on March 9, 2014 at 12:04 am ... #

    Without It being a pproblem I just need to be left alone
    I love her with my whole heart but she hurts meb i feel like a pussy telling anybody this. I wish she respected me more for what I’ve been through and what ive had to overcome. No one gets it and I can’t tell anyone because I’m scared of being judged . I don’t know how to be happy I feel my whole life is fear and dissapointment like nothing good ever comes my way but the only thing that has been good in my life is my wife
    But sometimes I hate her but I still love her more then anyone in the world and I put her first. I miss things I miss god I miss my family I feel lost I put my wife before me and she doesn’t even get it
    Idk am I just broken beyond repair I don’t know who I am anymore I just want no I need my wife and my family and I could be alright. I wanna live. (Continued from above)

  192. Concerned said on March 9, 2014 at 1:23 pm ... #

    Hi Ryan calm down… I know how you must be feeling. Since you are married now and you have a wife who you should take care of please try to forget the fact that your mother started dating again… You are married and away from her and her husband is gone… Though she is your mothe she is also a human
    being, she has the right to feel loved just like you do hence try to understand the situation and be happy with your family… If your father was alive that’s what he would have wanted you to do..

  193. Mi said on March 13, 2014 at 8:44 am ... #

    My dad passed away beginning of February from a very rare and aggressive form of prostate cancer. It only affects 1% of men and he had to be in that 1%.He was my whole world. He was the kindest man I have ever known and will ever know.

    I was so close to him and I could talk to him about anything. I have no memory of my dad ever shouting at anyone even when he was wronged. He always had a positive outlook on life. He took interest in everything I did. What makes it very difficult is he never disclosed the progression of his cancer to any of us. I found out during Christmas after he told me to contact his doctors. I think he wanted me to hear it from them that he was in the final stages of his life. It hit me like a tone of bricks & I quickly went into denial and believed that everything was going to be fine and that he was going to recover.

    I took him into hospital beginning of January (2014)and they said there was nothing they could do to treat him but only help him manage the pain. He was transferred to a hospice and he deteriorated from then on. He went in there so hopeful that he will manage his pain and then go come. It was never to be. Sometimes I blame myself for taking him into the hospital. I think if I had done things differently he will still be alive.

    Being the caring person he was I know that he would not want me to blame myself. I am expected to be strong for my mum and my siblings but who is going to be strong for me? The only thing that brings me some sort of comfort is that I was there with him until the very last minute he took his breath. Sometimes I can remember him and smile but most of the times it’s just tears.

    Dad you were the best dad anyone could ever ask for and more. I don’t understand why you had to die so young only 59. So many times I wish it was me instead, I would’ve happily laid my life down for yours. The pain I feel is indescribable. I’m in no doubt that you loved me. I love you so much and always will. They tell me to let go but I never want to let you go. Wherever you are please wait for me I hope to see you soon when my day comes. Until that day daddy please just watch over me.

    To everyone who is grieving please hang in there, even if it feels like there is nothing to live for, there is always something. Just know that if our loved ones had a choice they would still be here but they didn’t. We do have a choice however, so let us soldier on and live for them too. May God bring comfort to you all. x x x daddy’s girl x x x

  194. Nancy said on March 21, 2014 at 10:25 am ... #

    I want to share my testimony and also thank prophet Adams for what he has done for me, Am so happy today and i have stopped thinking. After my husband Rick left me for another woman because I can’t give him a baby and that he hates me, i cried because i really loved Rick with all my heart. Then i decided to come online and look for a spell caster to help me bring back Rick, Until God directed prophet Adams to me. When i met prophet Adams i was thinking his not real, But he told me to give him a chance that what will he gain if he adds more pain to my pain,That all he want his my happiness. So i decided to give him a chance, and he told me that Rick will be back to my arms within 48hours and I will be pregnant and have a baby,i said okay truly when prophet Adams casted this spell my lover Rick called me and said he wanted to tell me something i was shocked, He told me that i should forgive him, That he loves me with all his heart and promise never to leave me till the rest of his life. Prophet Adams also told me that ones Rick comes back to me he is going to buy me a gift. Rick Bought me a Brand New Car, And i also had access to his account to prove to me that he will never leave me and now am pregnant. You can contact prophet Adams for any kind of help and he will never disappoint you. His email – dradamsjohnsoncentre12@gmail. com or +2348188192948

  195. Rand M. said on March 24, 2014 at 11:28 pm ... #

    I lost my dad almost 23 years ago. I was 15 and am now 38. I was the only child still left at home as the others were deployed overseas or living out of state. My mother fell victim to massive depression, alcoholism and essentially left me to figure it out on my own.

    Despite a very discouraging medical diagnosis from the Dr. (he was given 6 months to live and only made it 3), it was still unexpected, to me at least.

    I was sheltered, naive and foolish. A spoiled child. My father was my Sun. He was the center of my universe and I looked up to him in every possible way. I was lost without him. I did not receive proper time to grieve and as a result…have made many, many mistakes. I never had the opportunity for therapy to help me figure out how to find healthy ways cope with it.

    All that being said, I have survived and you will too. Continue to seek out people with whom you can share your story and find a connection with someone. I met my wife about 6 months after my dad passed and while she had no experience helping someone grieve, she helped me without even knowing she did. We have been together since and are celebrating our 20 year anniversary this year. We have three children and my one wish, is that I get the chance to be a father to them until they get to college.

  196. Margie Boland-Brooks said on March 28, 2014 at 4:28 pm ... #

    My Dad passed away on March 28, 1996, and I sit here crying with my 2 beloved dogs, Brandy and Casey. I never “got over” losing my Dad. My Mom passed away on November 11, 2004 and I never “got over” losing my Mom either. Then my brother passed away on July 9, 2005.Then I got married on September 17, 2009.My Husband had cancer and passed away on February 4, 2010, 4 1/2 months after we married. I have not “gotten over” any of my loved ones passings. I never will. Again, I sit here and cry, cry, cry. Thank God for my 2 Dogs…Brandy and Casey, Brandy and Casey, Brandy and Casey…They were sent to me by our Dear God. They get me through each day and night……………………….

  197. Kathy said on March 28, 2014 at 5:17 pm ... #

    I stumbled across this site while sniffling thru the tears today. I lost my Dad 3 months ago today, and the sadness just lingers everyday. I am a grown adult, with children who are grown and friends who continually tell me that “I need to get over it”. How do you get over someone that was in life life from the time you were an infant? I was the only girl in the family and feel the loss in a much different way than my brothers. I have had major life changing events in the last 6 months-my Dad got sick, my Mom than had a stroke 3 weeks later, Dad got well, I lost my job-and then 3 days after Christmas..Dad suddenly died. There are days my husband looks at me and I’m sure wonders when the real me will be back. I would like to know that as well.

  198. Gloria Masker said on March 30, 2014 at 5:04 am ... #

    My dad was struck by a car on July 31, 2012 while riding his bicycle. He crossed a two lane highway in Maui while on his daily ride. He was not in a crosswalk but always crossed this way for many years. On time my brother took this ride with him and was shocked that he crossed the road this way? But he still did.
    He had been diagnosed with a-fib just days before and just started taking medication. He was far from giving this medication time to work but was so compelled to exercise , he just did that day. It was only him and his wife living in Maui at this time and she was sleeping when he got up and rode his bike.
    I would like to say on my watch this never would have happened. When he came to visit me in California about 2 months earlier and wanted to ride a bike I said no because I knew he wasn’t feeling well. I told him we can go for walks or I can get him a pass to my gym , no riding a bicycle .
    Knowing him ,he was head strong and the only way to deal with this kind of person was to give him option’s or if need be slash his tires, or just go with him,or what ever you need to do to prevent this exercise at that point.
    I am so mad because this didn’t have to happen, but it did. I know his wife did not want this to happen but she is the only one that could have prevented this.
    My brother who was close to him as myself calls her a murderer, and feels she killed our dad because of her non-action to prevent his bike ride. I don’t feel that strongly , but she was the only person.
    At this point with time gone by I realize there is nothing to gain by blaming another for his death because it changes nothing. I can’t get my dad back but I dream this didn’t happen. He called me every Friday afternoon around 3pm and I still wait for that call? A call that will never come but somehow I am stuck in the past and the sadness.
    I miss my Father so much and no one understands this world of grief that consumes me. I want to move on but as I do I just don’t. I want this past part of my life but it is gone, and I just can’t fix it.
    I am posting on this site because I am hoping to seek some answers from others out there that know how this loss feels. There are maybe no answers, but just others that have found something that I have yet to find? I am just at this place that feels my world can never be as good without this dad, my #1 fan in life. No matter what I ever did wrong,he always had my back. Having my back is in a way that didn’t make my wrongs, right, but gave me understanding and love. Where can you ever get that again? So I stand alone now, this alone has come to realize a constant need for approval. This approval is one sided now, my way. I know this way is like a spoiled child, and is just bringing me down. I have gotten a handle on this at times until I once again don’t.

  199. Onkar Nath said on March 31, 2014 at 7:03 am ... #

    I lost my father one year before I still feel the pain everyday and I don’t know how to handle this grief. I m unable to share exact feeling and pain.

  200. Bri Jalbert said on April 11, 2014 at 10:19 am ... #

    Your story is so touching. I’m sorry you lost your father. Just remember he is up in Heaven looking down on you smiling at who you have become. I know what it is like to lose loved one’s. I lost my best friend Shawna’s mom who was like my mom because of a heart attack at the age of 41, then 3 1/2 or 4 months after my friends moms death I lost my best friends son Devon because his mother beat him to death. He was only 2 years old…, then 3 months after Devon’s death I lost my best friend Dillon to a heroin overdose at the age of 20. It was extremely hard losing all of them in a matter of a year and trying to cope. I miss them every day. I think about them every day. I still cry because they are gone but I know that they will always be looking over me and that one day I will see them again.

  201. Maria said on April 12, 2014 at 6:01 pm ... #

    My father lived with me for 19 years. He passed away at the age of 92 years 8 months ago. Although I have a husband, children and grandchildren, I was consumed for months with the grief of missing him so terribly. I still cry when I look at his picture. I was really blessed because he was a man who gave me unconditional love all my life; he was happy as long as he was with me and the family. He was a very quiet man who touched our lives deeply. It was a privilege for me to take care of him. I know I’ll never forget him or his gentleness. This experience has taught me that it is never easy to say good-bye to those we love. He taught me how to love unconditionally, and I also know we will meet again.

  202. Sam said on April 26, 2014 at 5:25 pm ... #

    I know exactly how you feel and realise it affects people of every age. My dad died of cancer 9 months ago…I thought I was coping well but it suddenly hit me today and I’ve been in tears the past few hours. I miss him terribly! I have great family and support from my boyfriend and have been taking anti-depressants but have realised maybe I need more and should talk to someone else too. Thank you for your post.

  203. Maxine said on April 29, 2014 at 8:41 am ... #

    It will be 4 weeks on 1 May 2014 that my dad has passed away. I live in another country and got the call from my mom at 5.13am my time. I felt sick and I am shattered. I feel so lonely and alone although I have an amazing husband and 2 children. I wish I was there to say goodbye. I spoke to him the night before and he said he felt fine. But in just over 1 year, the lung cancer had spread to his brain and he was really battling. I dont know how I will ever accept that he is gone and that I will never see him again. It really hurts.

  204. Hollie said on May 2, 2014 at 7:57 am ... #

    Hi, everyone.. Im 23, my dad is not dead yet, but he was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer 12 months ago…. this time last year he was fine, but now, he cant walk, cant talk, needs oxygen, cant eat, cant sit down/ stand up… it happens so quickly.. i have good support with my family but its hard talking to people i know because i want to be strong for them, i have a 2yo daughter and i need to be ‘strong’ and get on with it… just looking for people who have felt the same as i am now…

  205. admin said on May 2, 2014 at 10:08 am ... #

    Hi Hollie. You can also create a profile and connect with others at

  206. Jim said on May 11, 2014 at 3:53 pm ... #

    My dad died about a month ago. He was the most important person in my life. Even though I am 40,I am having a lot of trouble getting over my grief. I feel like I am at rock bottom. I am a very private person, and my dad was also my best friend. I really have no one to talk to. The hurt keeps growing.

  207. Darakshan Sherbaz said on May 12, 2014 at 4:56 am ... #

    Hi, everyone…


  208. Kelly said on May 25, 2014 at 10:44 pm ... #

    My father died this year in January aged 66. I am 22 years old. I lived with my dad almost all of my life and am not very close with my mum as she is in permanent care with a condition that is untreatable and was never really a mother to me. The first month after dad passed I was fine and was surprised at how fine I was! But after that the grief hit me like a tonne of bricks and I have been battling it ever since! I am seeing a pyschologist almost weekly who is helping me to deal with anxiety and adjustment disorder. I miss my dad so much and i also miss our home that we lived in together that i was forced to leave because I was not on the lease.
    Seeing this blog gives me a little bit of hope that I just may get through this, its hard to open up to people when they dont know what your going through and I certainly wouldnt wish it upon anyone! I feel as though the time goes on I get worse..but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel one day i will be the person i used to be one day i will sincerely laugh again and one day i will find my place in this world and know that i do belong even though my dad isnt here with me.

  209. alicia said on May 28, 2014 at 5:05 am ... #

    I lost my dad a few days ago. He had a sudden heart attack. I feel like i died with him…im 40wks pregnant with my first baby. He was so excited to meet her. I was so happy to make him a grandfather. Tomorrow will be his funeral and i feel like im not strong enough to go. He left me with an open wound that won’t stop bleeding. He was my best friend, my counselor, my hero. I have a voicemail on my phone that he left telling me how much he loves me, but i don’t have the guts to play it. I haven’t been able to eat, i have missed alk my midwife appointments, and i can’t sleep. It’s 2 am and im here trying to find some type of help. I have to be strong for my mom my 2 sisters and 2 brothers. And i do believe that i will one day see him again in the golden city where there is no pain, and where our tears will be wiped off our faces. May God give us all the strength to heal.

  210. Ana said on May 29, 2014 at 8:13 am ... #

    My dad passed peacefully on the 6th April this year after losing the tough battle with stomach cancer. These past few months have been the worst in my whole life, having the doctor given him months to live but not knowing when he would actually leave. I too have become a good actress and plaster a smile on my face and pretend everything is fine and that I could handle the situation when really it was killing me to see my dad in this way. I loved my dad so much and we had such a good relationship, I was a daddy’s girl and he was my best friend and always encouraged me to do my best and to never let anyone bring you down. Although towards the end we did become very hostile towards each other due to him becoming very tired from his treatment and because I was stressed and depressed about school. Despite this, He taught me everything I need to know in life and I am who I am today because of him. I never got a chance to say thank you and I guess you never realise how much of an impact someone close to you has had until they’re gone. And since i have these waves of emotions that happen randomly, haven’t slept well and just feel empty and lonely inside. I feel as if no one cares and everyone in my life just irritates me.

    I will go and see a counsellor eventually but have to finish my A level exams first, my dad wanted me to go back in January as he felt I wasn’t coping well but I just haven’t wanted to face up to what’s inside me I just find it so daunting. Rest in peace dad I will love you forever and ever xxxx

  211. Anonymous said on May 29, 2014 at 9:18 pm ... #

    I lost my dad on May 21st, 2014. He passed away without anybody at home, and I have living on the other side of the world. It really is devastating and I had told him that I would come to visit him during this year. I cried and cried when I heard that he passed away…it felt that I didn’t get a chance to hug him and do something for him. I am still grieving as I am writing this comment. He was my close friend and I always poured out my feelings and he never judged me. He always motivated me and comforted me when I was down. He was a devoted Christian, and 3 days before he passed away, he told a friend of his that he wanted to be with Jesus. Nobody would thought he would pass…I am so sad and regret not being able to attend his funeral! I missed him so much…

  212. clareyinbits said on June 1, 2014 at 3:08 pm ... #

    My daddy died last night. We were with him in his noble and fragile last hours. This grief hurts so much. I keep whispering “Dad”. My Dad was mine. My loss is mine. I need to know that there is more than this life, that he is with his parents and friends. I reach out my hands but can’t touch him. I want to scream into the void, but there is no answer. He was a magnet for love, everyone who knew him loved him. He has left a huge space behind and it is filled with pain. I know he would want different for me, but this aches.

  213. Anonymous said on June 2, 2014 at 2:11 am ... #

    I lost my father when I was 16 I am now 24. I miss him dearly .

  214. Anonymous said on June 2, 2014 at 6:55 am ... #

    my lovely kind father i love you so much and wish i could be as mentally strong as you was in this situation when it happened to you.its been 8months nearly and the pain is worse now than ever before. You were and still are my role model and one day i hope to acheive an example of a man like yourself. 24 now a day after your funeral but it wasnt about me this year i love you so much see you when my time is up. Xxxxxxxxx

  215. I was fourteen said on June 13, 2014 at 10:47 pm ... #

    I have no idea why I’m typing this, it’s 6:00am at the moment, I cannot sleep, something kept me awake and then I realized that tomorrow is fathers’ day.

    I was just fourteen when I found my dad laying dead on the floor, I felt my brain tickle and felt something snap in there, I was right.
    I bet all of us have experienced something that was such a shock for us that we didn’t scream, didn’t shout, didn’t move, we just somehow, as odd as it is just froze there in the moment. That’s what I felt like and from that day on I am still like that, I’m frozen.

    I feel nothing, no emotion, no pleasure, not even smell, nothing.

    I can still cry sometimes, I can still feel sorrow and empathy, I VERY much appriciate every single thing that I have, I thank God for everyone that I love and that love me back.

    I just wish that someday maybe I will be able to feel like humans do. I think I lost my mind a little. I am being odd sometimes, I scratch my arms but I cannot realize i do, I make myself bleed but if I am not approached I won’t be able to realize. I hate grown up men that try to correct me because I think that they are trying to act like an alternative for my father, I want to kill them when they try to do that, I really wanted to beat the shit out of my uncle when he was trying to act like my dad, noone can ever change him ever.

    Yeah I forgot to mention my urge to violence when I’m angry, I’m being scary when i am, but I know what’s right and what’s wrong so i will not ever hurt anyone.

    I love animals and people who are helpless, I am so sorry for them, I wanna protect them and keep them safe from bad things and that is what I enjoy to do, I help the helpless.

    I wish you all luck.

  216. I was fourteen said on June 13, 2014 at 10:54 pm ... #

    Dad I know you won’t ever be able to read this but I really have to let it all out, first of all I really want to say I’m sorry dad I’m really sorry I deserve to die not you dad it’s all my fault, I really really love you and you were really special, I hate being alone on fathers’ day, I want to buy a present for you and leave it somewhere where no one goes. I wrote you a letter last new year and let the wind take it, I know that I’m silly, but maybe just maybe you really still exist somewhere and actually got my letter. You are still the best father I’ve ever see

  217. Jeff Smith said on June 27, 2014 at 2:47 am ... #

    So much grief, so sad.
    I am 70 this year and have just lost a Son who was 47 only.

    It gets no easier with age.

  218. Nick said on June 28, 2014 at 1:32 am ... #

    I lost my father on 5/26/02 to cancer, I was only 16. I did not have a perfect relationship with him. He was physically abusive growing up and never really showed me or my siblings any signs of affection. When my father discovered that he had cancer, he asked all of us for forgiveness on what he had done In the past. Everyone accepted his apology but me, the damage was done and I felt I couldn’t accept his apology, because he ruined my childhood with his abuse. Four months after being diagnosed with cancer my father was admitted to the hospital and would NEVER return home. I refused to visit him in the hospital, while all my siblings would visit him in his last days. 3 days before he died, I tried to say my peace with him, but it was too late, he wasn’t in the right state of mind anymore. It’s going on 13 years now, and I am still living with regret, and it’s just eating me up inside. I’m not sure how to get over my regret of not saying goodbye

  219. KT said on June 29, 2014 at 9:50 pm ... #

    8 years ago I lost my dad and boyfriend at the time. yes , it gets. enter but right now I’m so sad… everything in my life hurts more on this day…I was looking for an online group …but found this, good to know I’m not alone with my feelings. I think what scares me a every year I worry I’ll forget him a little more…

  220. Maria said on July 11, 2014 at 9:22 pm ... #

    Because you love them, they are a part of you. And they are nearer than you realize. Today makes 1 year since my father died. No one in the household mentioned his name, but I. At first I was angry, but then I remembered the words someone said (I don’t recall their name): “No matter how badly your heart is breaking, the world does not stop for your grief.” So, I placed lovely pictures in frames for my children with a note that said, “In memory of etc… and this poem: His blessed sleep merely marks the end of a holy quest. His gentle touch remains upon those who loved him best.” I lost my mother 17 years ago and it took about 2 years for the anguish to cease. So, I want the dear, surviving ones here to know that time is your friend. Your love for them transcends time and place. The hospice’s grief counselor helped me tremendously. I still have a way to go after Daddy. You see, I was the apple of his eye and no other human on this earth treated me like he did. But, I know I will see him again. Love to you guys.

  221. sergio said on July 15, 2014 at 6:01 pm ... #

    Hey Papa, I have a picture of you riding a horse, the horse is beautiful with your little smirk that reminds me of your voice. We used to call each other Perros, spanish for dogs. He was my mentor, my best friend and most important my father. I remember Papa you working 2 jobs to support us even though you had a degree and no one will give you a chance. You used to go to work at 9 pm get off at 7 am , sleep fpr 5 hours and head to another job. every day for 10 years. At that time didnt have a mentor so I started hanging out with the wrong crowds, not listening to you. You used to tell me to study hard, he didnt want to see me struggle, i chose to party instead of school. ohh Papa i cry for you everyday. i dream of you.

  222. Paapi said on July 21, 2014 at 4:19 pm ... #

    Thank you for the cheer up words of inspiration friends…

    The reason for posting my grief here is my inability to share it in person with people I know.

    It was a midnight in sept 2014 that suddenly my father’s kidneys stopped functioning. He was suffering from liver cirrhosis.Only my mother was with him, my brother working far away from home town. I was working in a different country on a short deputation. Being helpless my mother waited a couple of hrs for someone to help her take my father to hosp. It was in the early hrs of the next day that he was rushed to the hospital. It was a sunday and the doc we were consulting before was out of station and no other efficient doc was present in the hosp. The then present duty doctor was not of any help. My mother called up our consultant doc and he suggested a treatment on call. Unfortunately it was not possible to go on with the suggested treatment as my father’s blood pressure level was very low and no injection helped in pumping it up. I was informed about this situation in the afternoon(morning time at my place) and was asked to start off immediately.
    My mind just turned blank with no striking point of action. My colleagues helped me in booking a flight ticket and packing up my stuff. The shortest duration flight available was the next morning’s one and I started off very positively with all my prayers for my father. In the middle of my itinerary I called up my brother to know how he is coping up with the situation though I did not get my mother on the phone. He responded positively and said “Dad is OK now”. That increased my hope and completely vanished every negative thought that came into my mind till then.
    It took 15hrs journey and one of my relatives arranged a car from airport till home and my cousin received me at the airport.

    After reaching my hometown, on the way home, I passed by the hospital in which my father was admitted. I asked my cousin “why aren’t we stopping at the hospital?”
    He replied “you are looking tired.we’ll go home, drop luggage and come back to the hosp..” I believed him. As our car turned into a steet, I saw a huge crowd standing in front of my house. Thats when I realised all the bluff happened with me throughout my journey.

    My father passed away the very night I was informed about his illness. The glance of the crowd itself made me shiver like anything. I collapsed on the road and was scared to face my mother. I realised that everyone around me tried to make my journey smooth by giving hope which was actually not the truth. My father was lying down in an ice box waiting for me to have a last look…

    “ promised me that you will takecare of your health and be healthy and only then agreed to travel abroad fir work.. But you did not keep up on your word.. I am so unlucky that I could not even hear your voice… I miss you forever dad… I can never forgive myself from the mistake of staying away from you in your last time…. Please come back daddy…”

    I sincerely request all those reading this… Please never stay away from your parents otherwise you will regret your entire life…

  223. Teresa said on July 21, 2014 at 11:38 pm ... #

    I thought I was the only one that just went numb when my mom died when I was 15. People ask me how much time I took off and how I handled it. Sad part was I didn’t. I didn’t feel anything. Now it’s been 15 years and I still feel the hurt.

  224. Demetrius said on July 27, 2014 at 4:20 pm ... #

    oh my god I am in tears right now reading all of your guys posts.I lost my die in oct 2012 from pancreatic cancer.its like someone ripped my heart out, it crushed my soul.he was my best friend we can talk about anything and just laugh about it.he was so fun to be around and always was the live of the party.he spoke his mind and always took up for his children no matter if we was right or wrong.I was a daddy boy I miss him dearly.I still talk to him and cry out for him. I think about him everyday wishing he was here with us, but I know he is still with us in spirit

  225. Chantal said on August 5, 2014 at 4:26 pm ... #

    All of your stories are ones I feel for. to live a lifetime with our parents, our teachers.. our saviors, and the only ones who hold all of our memories:( It’s the worst pain that I have felt so far in my 34 years. My Dad just up and shot himself on April 18th, 2014. He suffered for a long while with cancer. My Father was an extraordinary man who went from Orphanage to being one of the most respected businessmen in the country. He was a tough guy, but he was damn loyal to his family! I am his baby girl, but he has three other beautiful daughters. All of us know he loved us, but for me.. Since he and I spent so much time together while my sisters were off living their lives.. He was my very best friend. I was the last person he spoke to that fateful night. I saw him leave the house.. He looked at me with that look of intent to do something important. He knew he was dying. He knew he had lost his fight. Yet he gave me no hug.. After he left the house I called him on his cell and he answered.. and I said “Daddy where are you going?” I can’t reveal all the details here because it’s… it is disturbing.. but he said something about being annoyed with someone and said “You know you are the best thing I did for this world.. You carry the torch after me kid right?” I said “Sure Dad I know… of course I will.. just come home.. lets talk”.. he said “okay baby.. just one more stop….” click… I waited three hours with my Mom. I had a terrible feeling so I went out looking for him.. his car.. I had no luck but I was shaking.. Something was wrong.. I went home and my Mom knew I was distraught so she did anything I asked. She had no bad feeling… She had no idea… I asked her to read the bible with me.. Something I have not asked her to do since childhood. As we read I could smell him.. I can’t explain.. Two minutes into reading a police man knocked on our door. I opened and asked right away “Is he gone?” the cop shook his head yes.. I fell to my knees.. My Mom clung on to the railing on the stairs as she was coming down the stairs to join me in greeting this late night visitor.. The cop picked me up and shut the door. In his arms I asked how and where? He said “at the cemetery where his Mother is buried.. right next to her..on his knees.. he put a revolver in his mouth.” Everything else is too much detail. My poor Mother. She lost the love of her life.. And now our family is in SHAMBLES! It split in two. Because of money, many people fake like they care but at the end have their hands out. Feel the fate of much rests on my shoulders. I fear not making the right decisions.. The fear is intense.. I try to listen for the voice of my father.. In anything.. A dream.. A wind.. But he doesn’t come. I imagine him young now. In his prime. I crave him every single freaking day. I tell no one how it hurts. It’s been almost four months now.. And life has gone on.. the world keeps spinning.. I can’t believe it turns without him on it.
    Each of you I am sure has gone one or some of these emotions. I feel like he just freaking left… Just like poof. I believe I would have accepted his being gone if he would have gone in front of me. It would have been more peaceful for my families hearts. I worry for them all when I know I should be worrying for myself.. but I can’t.. Wish he would have left a note. Hope I make him proud. His presence was indescribably strong. He made us all feel safe.. and that safety is gone

  226. I'm 14 said on August 8, 2014 at 11:04 am ... #

    Well I’m 14 and I lost my dad November 5/13. I was a lucky girl because my dad and I were extremely close. I was daddies girl, and we did everything together from backpacking to going to the movies. I miss him a lot, and quite honestly at first I was quiet about what I was going through, and occasionally would just have moments where I’d cry myself to sleep. But I think eventually I told myself to suck it up and be there for my mom and my two younger sisters. My dad never smoked and he was a star football player, runner, and swimmer in his years and ran a half marathon weeks before he died of what?? Stage four lung cancer. After all of his adventures to morocco, cliff jumping, sky diving and bear encounters, he dies of cancer. Even though I’ll never fully understand why God took him from us at 51 years old, I was so blessed to get to know this man that so many love. My mother is his complete opposite, loves the beach and the comforts of home, and yet they were perfect for each other. So I’m not writing this for me, I’m writing this for my family because it’s almost been A year, and yet everyday I still feel my fathers presence in the mountains, the rain, and my younger sisters. Thanks for reading

  227. Anonymous said on August 11, 2014 at 3:12 pm ... #

    I lost my dad one and half year back. I put on a fake smile to show people I was okay. It was s sudden death. He was just fine two days back while we are on a tour and on the third he is gone. He even underwent a surgery but it didn’t save him. I cut all my contacts with friends and I was numb. I don’t want to go out , my world stopped moving the moment he was gone

  228. Dorothy said on September 1, 2014 at 10:18 pm ... #

    I was 55 when I lost my dad. He was 85 and had emphazema and lung cancer that traveled to his brain. That was 1-1/2 years ago. People tell me ” he had a good long life” or at least he isn’t suffering anymore” . I agree with both those statements. His last 2 years he was on oxygen and connected to a tank all the time. The weeks before he left, ( I cannot use the “d” word), I was there for his doctor appointments, I dropped everything and ran to his side when he needed anything, I sat with my sister and mom in ICU watching him struggle to breathe. I wiped the blood from his mouth, I was honored to be able to be the for him. I told him everything I needed to say. I promised him I would takes care of mom, they where one month short to being married 65 years. After he passed, his lips were dry so mom asked me to put Chapstick on him, he always used it, so I did, I tucked his cold hand under the blankets and just sat there staring at him knowing it would be the last time I would see him. When he passed, our family was torn apart, I have (had) two sisters that either hide for fear she would be asked to help insome way or caused so much pain and drama it took calling the police to get her out of moms house. I do have one other sister that takes care of moms bills and legal things, she is moving out of state soon. Every weekend I drive 100 miles round trip to take mom groceries and give her some company. Ther is nothing I would change about the things I do. My problem is I have no body to talk to, I have tried many times to get comfort and share my feelings with two of my sisters and I get silence in return. I understand they just don’t have the tools to be able to express themselves. I cannot talk to mom, she would worry about me. I was talking to a therapist for a while, it turned into me entertaining her. I use humor as a shield. I have such a huge emptiness inside me, I don’t know how to fill it. Dad’s last days play over and over in my head. Realistically I lost my Dad and two sisters and I’m about to lose the only one that stayed with family. I don’t know how to fill the aching emptiness. I am only here because I believe no parent should ever have to bury a child. Some days it feels like I am one breath from completely losing it. I am taking meds, I’m sure they help but I still have the emptiness……………..I don’t know how to fix it

  229. Kacey said on September 2, 2014 at 4:05 pm ... #

    I’m 14 now, and 2 years ago on my birthday by father that I was very close to past away. I relate to every word of this, and I still yet have to get therapy.

  230. Kevin said on September 8, 2014 at 9:25 pm ... #

    I’m 21 and losing my dad right now. He is in the hospital as I type this. The doctor told me that my dad is the sickest patient in the whole hospital right now. His lungs are swollen and his immune system is failing. Today the doctor brought me and my aunts into a room and asked us what he should do if his heart fails. Try to revive him, or let him go. I have no idea how to answer that. I never thought I would face something like this. My dad is my best friend, but I don’t want to see him suffer anymore. I’m losing hope. I’m not ready for this.

  231. Cindy said on September 11, 2014 at 2:17 am ... #

    My mum was murdered when I was 18 and my Dad died 8 years ago, I cared for my Dad the last three years of his life and he was everything to me..he was a good father, was there for everything in my childhood and he treated us as if God hand picked him to be a father,,,My siblings and I have grown apart because my sister truly was selfish and was not interested in being a part of my Father’s care and it hurt him a lot…I felt sad and it has changed me…I lost everything at that time..My fiancé who was involved with someone else, my Dad and then My home..I am still trying to stand on my feet..I feel a drift, hopeless, I sleep a lot, Don’t have the energy to do anything,,life seems empty…not sure how to cope,,,I have allowed everything to fall apart…nothing has meaning,,,There are times when I am ok but most times I just feel alone and sad…Not sure what I should do..My Dad was a good, kind, gentle, funny capable man and I am still in shock hat he doesn’t exist anymore…sometimes I dream about my mother and that I am looking for her and can’t find her and that makes me wake up feeling horrible…Don’t have much of a support system so no one to really turn to, totalk about these feelings…Thanks for the forum to express myself…
    To those that are hurting, I understand and I am truly sorry for your loss, You can’t explain this to someone who has not experienced it,there are no words..hugs to all of you..

  232. Dave said on September 17, 2014 at 2:31 am ... #

    My father died last Friday on September 12, 2014. His health has not been good for many years but there was nothing to suggest that death was imminent. I spoke with him on the phone about two weeks ago and he seemed his usual self. Then he had a sudden heart attack and died in his sleep. And now, five days later…this horrible process is happening to me like all of us who are commenting on this page. My father was 68 years old when he died. I am 37 years old. And the pain that I’m feeling is unlike anything I have ever experienced before. I feel uncontrollably upset when I think about my father’s passing, but I feel even worse whenever I can even manage to think about anything else. It’s like I feel there are only two options…1) Think about my father not being here and all of the things that I wished I’d done or not done…or 2) I can try to just continue living and not think about it for awhile, but when I do that, there is a horror even greater. It’s an emptiness. A void. It’s not even the pain of thinking about him. It’s the pain of living in my new world. It’s a world that doesn’t include him. And it’s terrifying.
    This is a pain that is entirely unique to me. I truly believe people when they say to others who have not lost a parent that they can’t understand what this is like. I believe that this is something you have to experience to understand and I don’t wish this on anyone.
    I tried to go on about my normal life today for the first time by attending class at the college I’m going to. But I couldn’t even speak to anyone and I had to go home a tearful mess. In two days, I’m supposed to go back to work and I’m uncertain of how I will react to that. I feel something so wrong inside. Like I won’t be able to be happy ever again.
    Like many of us I’m sure…we came here because we need to share. There’s nowhere to take this unbelievable hurt. And I am afraid of what’s coming next. I’m supposed to go back to my life when it was very hard to begin with. My father was a huge part of my sanity. I always knew I could turn to him for advise and guidance without judgment…and even just some unconditional love. I’m not going to have that ever again. When that’s gone, it does something to you. And it’s something very frightening. I’m not sure how I’m going to keep going. I have no idea what tomorrow will bring. I’m just writing here to reach out to others who are experiencing this also. We’re all people, “in the know”. I’ve been experiencing anxiety over the death of a parent or other loved one for a few years now. But that anxiety is nothing like this. This is bottom line dread. I hope that in writing this, I don’t make anyone feel worse. I’m trying to help others who are experiencing this so that they know, and that I know that none of us are alone in these emotions. I’m already considering a support group and recommending that anyone who is feeling this pain do the same if the feelings become overwhelming and persistent.
    And to Cindy above me. I hope that you seek help because it definitely sounds as though you are in a deep depression. It’s only five days after my father’s passing and I know that I’m sinking into one as well. I’m glad that this forum exists so we can all help one another with our stories. So we know we’re not alone in our grief.
    Hugs to all

  233. ngocthuyvtvn said on October 4, 2014 at 4:35 pm ... #

    Today is the 7th anniversary of my Dad’s death.It seems harder than usual for me. I am so emotional and couldn’t stop thinking about how I wish he were here with me.
    I’m just want to say ” Daddy, i miss you, i love you forever”

  234. Ashish said on October 18, 2014 at 12:30 pm ... #

    My story is completely different. My dad ended his life very brutally. This depresses me a lot whenever I think of him., I miss u dad.

  235. Anonymous said on October 20, 2014 at 3:41 am ... #


  236. jazmella said on October 27, 2014 at 11:53 am ... #

    My mother passed away in 2003 when I was 19 (she was one day shy of turning 44). My father passed away in 2011 when I was 28 (he was 61). Both parents passed away from cancer. Heck, so did all my grandparents. I went on to give birth to a daughter in 2013 who’s just about to turn a year old and to say this has been the hardest year of my life is a dramatic understatement. Going through life without my parents feels next to impossible. I have more breakdown days than I’d like to admit. Keeping sane is getting increasingly difficult. I miss both of them so, so much. After my mother passed away, I thought I was coping well with her death…but it turns out I was only “coping” because I had my father. Now I have next to no one and my heart aches so much. I want them back. I want them back!! I don’t understand why some people are fortunate enough to have their parents until they themselves are a lot older than I was. Being parent-less before you’re 30 is horrendous. God, give me strength. I need to survive for my daughter…but how…

  237. Ida said on October 27, 2014 at 2:39 pm ... #

    This is what I’m going trough right now.. I’m 14 and my dad died 4 months ago. I have it so hard to talk about my feelings and idk how to say how I feel..

  238. Sandy said on November 12, 2014 at 4:36 pm ... #

    I lost my wonderful Pop 6 months ago and my lovely Mom 2 years before that. It has been very hard although I know that they are now together and that is the way it should be. For all of you that feel you have to put on a strong front for your family or your kids, please don’t. Your kids need to see healthy grieving. Your family will understand as they are grieving too. If you want to cry then cry, even if you’re in public. Most people have experienced painful loss of ones they loved and they understand. If you don’t feel like crying that’s fine too. Please, give yourselves the love you deserve. Try not to beat yourselves up over crying, not crying, feeling angry, whatever you are experiencing. The only “should” is that you SHOULD show yourself the love and caring you would show anyone else in your difficult situation. If you need help, please get help, from a friend, a counselor, a family member or whomever. Trust people to be there for you as you would be for them. It gets easier. Fill the hole in your heart with any good memories, laughter and even the challenging times that you had. I’m off my soapbox. :) Good luck to you all !

  239. the regretted boy said on November 15, 2014 at 9:26 am ... #

    My dad pass away at home 3 weeks ago at the age of 75 with stage 4 lungs cancer. When he was confirmed with advance lungs cancer, I did not go back to work, I was in a lost, I when to the hospital every day to acc him. He was very sad too to know that he is going to leaveus very soon. He was in great pain and have to take morphine every 4 hours. After his breathing stopped that morning, I felt lost, i was happy that he is now free of pain but I have completely lost him now. I tried to wake him up but there was no responds. He was on tube feeding and unable to talk 3 months before he died. Till now I was still depressed and heart broken.

  240. Michelle said on November 20, 2014 at 12:07 am ... #

    My dear daddy just passed away 23rd October. He hadn’t been well for a while, but I had no idea that when I got a call at 5am 3 days before he would never return home. I’m shocked, I can’t sleep properly. I spend most of the time thinking of him and looking back on all the photos. I really don’t think I’ll ever get over it and I don’t think I ever want to get over it. I love you dad, I’m trying to be strong for mum and your grandchildren. I hope you can read this Night night xx xx

  241. Phenyo said on November 27, 2014 at 8:11 pm ... #

    My father passed on November 14th 2014. A Rather solmemn day in my life. I find comfort in having had the priveledge of ever knowing unconditional love; guidance without agression;a rational truth; having independant mind; being able to vocalise my thoughts and opinion with no judgement and embracing who I truly am. My father is home. As we visit earth; we should remember and try tounderstand that our home is ot on earth. We will meet again. For the meantime; I am thankful. Thankful to know that spiritually, he is with me always. Bless his soul. Rest in peace My wonderful father. My epitomy of Godliness. Till we meet again.

  242. Jay Gee said on December 5, 2014 at 4:08 pm ... #

    I came here looking for answers and I found so many moving stories. My beloved dad, my rock, my saviour , passed away 2 weeks ago from that monster cancer. He was very ill for a few months and then they put him on morphine and a day later he died. My parents had been married for 61 years so for my mom’s sake I tried to remain strong and no-one could believe how strong I have been. Since August 2014, I have been dedicated to my parents and now my mom. I talk to my dad all the time and hold the last shirt he wore close to me when I really feel bad. Now, 2 weeks later my mom has got a chest infection and is quite ill. Her immune system was down and she caught it from someone who visited her after the funeral. She sounds so weak, she is devastated that she cannot attend my cousin’s birthday service at our Church ( he was like a son to my dad and has guided my mom and I thru all the practical side of things) and tonight when I heard her voice, in tears and weak, I just lost it! Broke down for the first time since my dad passed. I felt this terrible grief, this longing, I felt it even more for my mom than myself. I wonder if one can ever recover from such a terrible time? I feel like my dad is here all the time with me, but, then I go to phone him and he is not available – forever! I feel like I might need a support group or counseling but now I just have to get my mom well again. FUnny how after u lose one parents, if the other one has even a cough , u get this icy fear that u cannot go thru this all again. Thanks for reading this and sharing your stories, it gives me courage.

  243. Hamid Hussain Khan said on December 10, 2014 at 3:55 am ... #

    My father died a month ago after suffering a long illness But the death was due to negligence of doctors and i regret so manything that I am responsible for his death as I took him to hospital. Even if it was his time of death I am in depression and sorrow and cannot contol. I cry on daily basis in remembrance Somebody help me how i can overcome my sorrow.

  244. Shell said on December 17, 2014 at 10:25 am ... #

    My dad died a month ago today from lung cancer. He was diagnosed in August but by that stage he was stage 4 and it had spread to his brain and bones.. Because of the brain disease he never realised he was dying, a couple of weeks before he died he asked my brother and I to take him jeep shopping so he could get back on the road.. It was so sad for us as we knew it was terminal but had to go along with this to give him as much hope as possible. I think at times I even convinced myself he was going to recover as I told him so many lies about getting better. A week before he died I asked the the hospital to move him to the hospice to get his pain under control, the idea was to get him home and pain free. I brought him to the hospice while at the same time organised the hospital bed and oxygen tank for home but after a few days he started to deteriate at a rapid pace. On the Sunday morning when I arrived at the hospice the doctors called myself and mam aside and explained that he was now in his final stages. When I arrived back to his bed he opened his eyes and I thought it was a good time to explain to him how sick he was as I felt guilty for giving him false hope.. As I explained to him he was really ill and would possibly seeing his mam very soon he sat up in the bed and said I’m getting out of here, I know what’s happening, I start crying and tried to calm him down but before I knew it a nurse ran in and injected him with a high dose of sedation and unfortunately I never got to take back what I said because I immediately felt guilty for saying it. He survived for another 9 hours and me my mam and brother were there with him the whole time until he took his final breathe. Prayers are with anyone going through this right now, my job gave me full leave from work so I was my dad’s advocate making sure the doctors were giving him the best possible chance and often arguing with medical staff as I knew he hadn’t the strength to fight for himself. The first 3 weeks were a blur, I went straight back to work and acted like everything was normal and smiled and laughed it off but inside I have this constant ache that just won’t go away.. The feeling is getting worse as the days are going by. Christmas is next week and I’m just dreading having to go the cemetery to visit my dad instead of sitting by the fire with him watching movies and laughing and joking. It doesn’t even feel like reality right now, I’d give anything to have him back for even an hour. To anyone out there that takes their families for granted, read through the words of grief in each of our stories, start making the most of right now x

  245. Anonymous said on January 4, 2015 at 4:56 pm ... #

    I am one of 6 children, my two older sisters, older brother and myself have the same father. My two younger brothers are from my mom’s second marriage. When the two youngest were 14 and 16 their father (still married to my mom) passed away from a heart attack while playing tennis. They are now 19 and 21. The 19 year old never talks about his dad and I asked him once why that is and he said there’s nothing to talk about. He just says he’s just depressed. I have been trying to help him through his depression the best that I can without making talk about his dad until he brings it up. Recently I’ve had a realization that the reason for his depression is because he may feel like he is not living up to what he may think his dad would be proud of. I realized this when he told me how “everyone just loves Daniel (the 21 year old brother) because he is going to ASU and knows three languages and travels the world” Well their father was fluent in Spanish and worked as a data base manager for a very big company.
    It’s not like the 19 year old is just working at a dead end job and not trying. He is a movie theater manager along with going to college to be a film director. He is amazingly artistic and can capture the beauty in anything. So now I’m lost as to how to help him see how wrong he is that this is exactly what his dad would want him to be doing just as equally as he would want his other soon doing what he is doing, without bringing up his dad. He closes up when anyone mentions his dad. Any suggestions???

  246. Sarah said on January 11, 2015 at 10:18 pm ... #

    I’m ten and my dad died just a few days ago I was so sad I when I heard I just screamed it was the worst pain I had ever felt he died cause of diabetes I’m scared I’m going to get it cause its big in my family but since my dad just died I don’t really have a story but one thing you will never stop missing them.

  247. Kayla said on January 13, 2015 at 11:47 am ... #

    I can relate to your story. I am the same way except my dad was murdered last month but I have battled depression before so I have figured was to deal but I still have anger against the man that killed my dad but I put on a happy face and go to class everyday.

  248. tushar parihar said on January 14, 2015 at 1:13 pm ... #

    my dad died at 20-dec-2014 due to cardic cancer (cardic sarcoma). increasing of breathness problem ,blood pressure down again and again which is risk of death any time. then shifted to in critical ICU care . but due to this unclassified tumor inside the heart which was very critical condition . at 4:30pm eveninig suddnly heat pumping stopped in which CPR given for restart heart and after that ventilater …….. and then death
    i am feeling very depressed right now. i dont know what to do , i cant sleep,fullstop in my life. i miss my dad alot.

  249. Anonymous said on January 28, 2015 at 5:02 pm ... #

    I lost my dad 3 months ago…It was thursday morning when mom woke me up to go see him in his bed.. I was totally frozen and didn’t want to even think about the fact of loosing him forever. I kept talking to him for few minutes, I hap hope when I saw his last move. For a moment I was convinced that he is alive. I can see his last move everyday.. I remember it very well as it happened one minute ago. I never imagined that I will be that hurt and weak. I do believe in god and in death, but there are just some moments where I say life is not fair. I needed him so much. I wanted to do a lot of things with him before we say goodbye. I am the closest to him and this loss kills me day after day.

    The difference that I feel is unbelievable .. I see myself as a completely different girl with a different life ,mind and heart. Everything has changed since he left me. I cannot deal with things as I used when he was here, I cannot talk with my old friends because everything in the past reminds me of him being at to me. Months are passing and I still feel that he will be back again, because I know that its killing not to see him again

    I lost interest in everything, seeing him is my only wish and my only desire in life

  250. Nicola said on January 29, 2015 at 6:44 pm ... #

    I lost my dad 7th of jan 2015 I was the youngest apple of his eye he was my rock my hero am staying with my mum I haven’t been home yeh my mum and dad were together 53 years I have a really good family my sister who is so close and 2 brothers I have 2 sons who I love so much and my 2 grandchildren who I adore my whole body feels empty I carnt except he has gone I feel so different in myself I carnt sleep I thought he had at least another 10 years it was sudden I carnt cope without my dad I loved him so much and now he’s left me and to top it all of my youngest lad who is 23 was in prison for so think he haven’t done my son lived with his nan and grandad for years he loves them so much it was the most horriblest moment of my life wen I brokers news over the phone I was freighting he would do somthink to himself I spoke to the chaplplen and he said he would be able to go to funeral then day before my son phoned and sobbed that they would not let him he’s devasted now am so worried about my son as well as missing my dad I want my dad back I’m crying as am writeing this my whole life feels a sham but I no I have to be strong for my mum as she is very bad I haven’t even come to terms with reading all cards and letters wen he died I could not read my own verse in paper I don’t no who to turn to but thank you for taking time to read my story blessing to all xx

  251. Klare Desteen said on February 3, 2015 at 1:20 pm ... #

    I lost my father 2 years ago exactly on my birthday. He died on a car crash. And I didn’t know if he greets me or not because he left the house so early and I’m sleeping. My mother is not living with us because she is working abroad. In that year, we were also suffering a family problem. Me and my sister caught my father cheating on my mother and it was so heartbreaking for us. One day my father talked to me I know he is drunk. He cried in front of me and he even apologized to me many times. And he explained everything to me. I thought that was the most heartbreaking for me but in that year my father died. And I wake up in the day of my birthday, my father is dead what a gift right. Before the day he died we had an argument about something and we didn’t settle it because he died. I’m 16 years old and my sister is 13 back then. Losing someone in young age is not bearable. I didn’t cry in the wake of my father because my mother and my sister is crying there’s no one will comfort them. I told to myself to be strong because I’m the one who will protect my mother and my sister. And after a month my mother fly back to her work to make money for us. And I’m the only one who study because my sister forbid to go to school because she has a heart disease. When my mother left I started crying every night if everyone in the room is sleeping. And after a year when my mother is back I stop crying every night and when she left again I’m back to crying again. Sometimes I didn’t go to school because I am very sad to get up and study. And I always stay awake until 2 in the morning because I always remember him. There’s no one I can talked to. I am crying when I’m reading all the comments here. I thought I’m the only one who experienced this life. I’ve been crying in two years. I’m 18 now I thought if I’m getting older I will start to move on but in the other hand it was a reminder to me that someone special to me died in my birthday. What can I do to stop this?

  252. Sam said on February 6, 2015 at 12:51 am ... #

    My dad died two days back. He was the only sane person in our family, never complained about his pain. I did a bad job of being open with him and didn’t get a chance to say all the things I wanted to say to him. I will hate myself for this unt the day I die. Only after he died that my mom told me that he desperately wanted to talk to me while my quiet nature didn’t let me be more open with him. I’m a bad son who tortured his very own father this way.

  253. mani said on February 13, 2015 at 1:22 pm ... #

    i lost my dad 4 month back due to lung cancer,this was second time when he digonised with cancer,after the death of my dad i feel my self that world is changed for me ,i try to live normal with every one but inside i feel to much bad , i can”t belive my self that my dad is not with me,me and my dad are tourist person in every holidays we sit together and make plan to travel but now there is no one with i can sit and make plan,it feel to much sad every single day i think about him ….

  254. don't know what to do with my life said on February 19, 2015 at 2:43 pm ... #

    Well, I’m in a similar situation to you all… My dad died 4 months ago, and I’m 15. It was completely unexpected… he lived in a different country and i went to see him every holiday. people may think that because he lived in a different country, i wasn’t close to him, but i was. i moved out with my mum at age 10 because my mum got a job abroad and both my parents thought it would be best if we moved out as it was a great opportunity. during the summer of 2013, i noticed that my dads feet started to get a bit swollen, i kept on telling him that he should get it checked out but he insisted he was fine. After i went back home when the holidays finished,my dad was rushed to hospital one day (me or my mum never knew about this until after he died)and he was diagnosed with a disease and the doctor told him he had to be very careful. That xmas i didnt see him because me and my mum went to america to see our family who we hadnt seen in over a year. When i went in easter, and i saw him at the airport, i felt like i wanted to die. he’d lost so much weight and i just thought ´what the heck´ cos the last time i saw him he was completely fine (Apart from the swollen thing) that moment that i saw him at the airport, i felt like turning around and getting a plane back…i just couldnt recognise him, it didnt feel like it was him anymore.. he was with my godmother and his voice was so weak. I tried not to mention anything and act like I hadnt noticed, but when we went to the parking lot and i realised he wasn’t driving, i knew something was wrong. I tried to follow a casual conversation on the way home but i just wanted to cry and scream. After I had been there for a few days, i asked him in a casual way if he was ill, he told me he HAD been but that he was recovering (this was true) but he made it sound like it wasn’t bad and it was nothing i should worry about, he never told me the disease and how bad he’d been,the way he said it just made me completely forget about it. After i went back home, i cried to my mum after she picked me up at the airport, and she called him asking why he hadn’t told us that he’d been ill and he was just like ‘ohh don’t worry i’m fine now’. (my mum never realised how bad he was otherwise we wouldve moved back with him). When i went in the summer he was waaaaaaay better, the time i was back i didnt really mind the whole thing and even his doctor was like ‘omg look how quickly my patients recover!!’ when he was there..Anyways , im not gonna tell the whole story but he died at the end of october when i was on holiday in italy with my aunt. i was planning visiting him that week.. and i dont know whether that wouldve been better or worse..either i wouldve had the chance to say goodbye to him they way i wish now i couldve,or he would just have died randomly at home and it wouldve scared the shit out of me. the last time he went online was on the 24th, the day after he helped my mum buy the tickets for italy(he was the one who found them) and he died on the 29th…. i dont know what happened during those days,whether he was ill,whether his phone didn’t work, i dont know.. my mum had been really busy lately because she found out her best friend had cancer so she was taking care of her and hadn’t spoken that much to my dad during that week.i sent him a text on the 27th saying ‘hi i love you’ and he never read it. that was the last thing i ever said to him. i was quite surprised he didnt reply straight away like he always does but i just thought ‘oh his phone must be weird’ he died on the 29th, and i found out on halloween. however on the 30th and 31st i was extremely ill, even tho i didnt know what had happened yet. and i vomited 4 times in 2 hours (i never throw up, the last time i had before that was when i was 7yrs old) when i found out, i screamed and ran upstairs saying it couldnt be true, me and my cousin went for a walk at 1am and nothing felt the same anymore, life has never felt the same again… there has not been one day where i havent thought about him, i miss him every damn day of my life. He was my everything and I was his everything. I cant believe i was so gulliable and didnt realise what was going on, but i know he didnt know he was gonna die.. these months have been torture , i only told my best friends and a few other people about it, so people at my school dont know. i dont want to be known as the girl ‘who’s dad died’ i didnt want to get the ‘sorrys’ or the looks in the corridor. i missed two weeks of school to go and incinerate him etc. when i went back school didnt feel the same, i have no motivation whatsoever and i feel like im wasting my teenage years. i want to be strong for him but i cant…. im now going to start therapy and i hope it goes well… the worst thing was when people at school came up to me and said ‘omg ___ how was spain? youre so lucky you got to miss 2 weeks of school!!’ i just felt like.. if only you knew… Also, the day after i found out, was the day i had to fly on my own from italy back home.. and i was just crying in the airport looking like a tramp.. i just thought ‘wow we really shouldnt judge random people, we dont know what theyve been through or whats going on in their lives’ people mustve thought i was mental or something because i was looking so bad loool i was so annoyed, i could see happy families everywhere laughing and i just felt ‘how can people be so happy when i feel like this?’ anyway im gonna shut up now so yeah

  255. kelly said on February 21, 2015 at 4:00 pm ... #

    I can barely see right now for tears…I lost my two dad’s (adoptive and biological within six months of each other (5 Feb and 16th August 2014) and feel like I’m drowning.I have an ache that in chest that won’t stop and don’t feel like I’ll ever be happy again. I’m 37 and a mother of three beautiful sons and really need to be a whole person for them but I don’t know how to.I’ve started grief councelling but I have no idea if it’ll help but I’m so desparate for it to because I feel like the person I was and liked is slipping away.i wish I could get just one more hug or hear them tell me it’ll be OK. You’re all so brave and I hope that one day I can think of them without hating them for leaving me,crying or wanting to be with them,and I’m terrified that my sadness will drive the people I still have to not want to be around me.

  256. miriam said on February 24, 2015 at 5:28 pm ... #

    My dad died a year and 2 months ago from prostate cancer and im still coming to terms with it all. I’ve only just coming tothe end of sorting his house etc out. Now im really feeling the effects of losing him, starting to regret not speaking to him before he passed nd i feel like im falling into a darker depression more nd more i dont speak to any friends/family bout it. All my friends have loads going on in there lives so i think i would be being selfish after knowing what losing a loved one does to you

  257. ShatteredStar said on February 24, 2015 at 8:01 pm ... #

    My father died of hospital acquired infections while fighting fibrosarcoma in a hospice center in 2012.

    I’ve been broken ever since. I’ve tried to seek justice for him…consulting lawyers. Hearing that “he was going to die anyway” and ” the case isn’t worth it” kills me. I hate to think that he died alone that night. Hate to think that he suffered. Hate to know that my father is gone. and with every passing year, his passing hurts more. I collapse unexpectedly. Midday. At a time when I’m not even thinking of him. The thought of him just catches me. And I sob.

    I’ve lost my Daddy. MY daddy. And he’s not coming back. There’s no finding him anymore. He’s gone.

  258. still trying to cope said on March 8, 2015 at 4:37 am ... #

    yesterday marked 11 years since my father passed away. at times I understand that God has his plans for us all but then at times I just can’t accept what happened. I was daddy’s girl. my father suffered from alcohol addiction which ultimately led to his death. towards the end of his life I started seeing him less because it would kill me seeing him under the influence. when I did see him, he would often ask me for money to buy drink. despite being close to my father, im a very private person and never took it upon myself to tell him just how much his drinking was affecting me. for this reason I partially blame myself for his death. surely if I had sat with him and poured my heart out about how I felt, he might have made more of an effort to get help. I feel that my silence and absence towards the end had encouraged him to drink even more, knowing that he was harming himself with each extra drink. I abandoned him in the time he needed me most. after his passing I tried to be strong. I again tried to hide just how much it was all affecting me. I continued to work despite my boss insisting I take time off. I kept a straight face by day and cried myself to sleep at night.

    11 years on, im 31 years old with a family of my own and spend most days wishing my father was here to spend time with my kids as he always said he wanted dozens of grandchildren.

  259. Chris said on March 9, 2015 at 7:53 am ... #

    It has been comforting to realise that so many people have lost someone dear to them. My mother died when I was 9 years of age and the only one I told was a friend at Primary School. My father was distraught and could not talk to me and my older sister and brother about our terrible loss. This meant that we did not grieve properly and for myself I just bottled up my personal loss. Like others have said I never got of bed unti noon on school holidays.

    When I went to secondary school I took my depression with me but I think I just felt this was me and didn’t recognise it as such. None of my peers knew about my mother’s untimely death at forty although those from my village must have got to know. I never spoke about it and therefore they didn’t either.

    Ironic as it may seem I got by through having a healthy sense of humour and loved comic films on TV and the radio. I had become very shy with strangers which was embarrassing as I was unable to have a meaningful conversation. I left school at 16 and had various jobs over the years and made good friends with many of my colleagues from those employments some of whom are still friends with me at my current age of 74.

    I lost my wife when she was 40 like history was repeating itself which was devastating for me and my two teenage daughters but this time we all talked about our loss and indeed I told anybody at the time including some of my customers which might have made me feel better but was probably embarrassing for them.
    I married again and my present wife had lost her husband at about the same time as I had my wife. She had four children aged from 12 down to fo 4 so family life began again for me which was marvellous on the whole but testing as the older boys were not particularly pleased to have a stepfather. However we all survived so from the start of family life at 23 I have four grandchildren and three of my wife’ s children have given her eight grandchildren all of which treat me as their grandad even though the older ones know I am not their natural relative.

    I will conclude all of this with a recent a somewhat bizarre story. During one of my jobs which lasted only eighteen months I became good friends with a female colleague. It was quite platonic as she was engaged and I was already married and mu daughters were born. After I left I never had contact again with her again but I didn’t forget her and earlier this year I decided to see if I could get in touch once more using a people finder. He did so quite quickly but with the dreadful news she had died at age 30. I was quite upset about this but when checking the death certificate I realised the name was correct but it was not the person I knew. The fault was mine for having given the researcher the wrong year of birth. He tried again with the correct year and she was found alive and well. I was asked by the searcher if I would like him to ‘phone with the initial approach. He came and told me she had certainly worked at the same place but didn’t remember me. I should probably have left it there but. I did write to her with list of things I remembered about her and the people we worked with. She didn’t reply and I tried ‘phoning her a couple of times but there was no answer and I did not leave a message. At the third try I did leave a message and a few days later. I received an email in which she recounted her life to me. I thought this might turn out a joyful reunion but she thought otherwise and I will not try this again.

  260. Nicola said on March 11, 2015 at 10:16 pm ... #

    I wrote on here 29th jan 2015 about my lovley dad who passed away 7th jan 2015 am still destroyed and still crying iv lost half a stone its got to a stage were if am out at supermarket I get people asking how I am I break down so much and carnt shop I also took my grandson out there other day who 3 and he asked where his grandad was it was so hard to hold back them tears so hard I have to go and swill my face in public toilets as if I wast so hot because there tears came so much it was like a tap and if I have to make one wish it would be to live my life over then I could see my dad again I’m so so lost however I have read all your comments and I can only say am sorry to read such sad news i do hope it gets a little better for you all blessings to you all x

  261. Aditya said on March 16, 2015 at 11:12 am ... #

    no mountain is endless but my pain has no end. it was the incident that took all of my joy and laugh out of my life. I just had finished my semesters 2 nd exam and leave the examination hall and look at my cell that number of misscalls had in my cell. then a call that take all of my strength it’s from my friend told me “I saw yours father’s car and it got a serious accident at highway” really I don’t have anything in my mind what could I do now. in brief when I arrived home my mother is near about senseless and all people staring at me my sister got mad. I couldn’t able to understand then I came to know he is no more.. man with no health issues died with car accident huh and I m like why my father. if destiny could take me instead of my macho father. as a son I can’t do a single thing to my father.

  262. mark said on March 17, 2015 at 10:38 am ... #

    its been over 3 years since i lost my dad and it really hurts losing my home as well i feel totaly lost cant get motivated ive lost intrest in allmost everythink dont know where to turn dad was my world to me just fedup greaf really hurts my dad helped me sort out things like paperwork i depended on my dad so much he was my soul mate all my friends want me to get on with things i do know what thay are saying and i know thay are right but a loss of someone very close im so very sad still cry i cry to hear my dads voice i know its not going to happen. i will see my dad again in heaven he was a very loving dad and i know he loved me to bits and i loved him so much .mark xxx

  263. mark said on March 26, 2015 at 11:27 am ... #

    again im here ive lost all my get up and go i have no intrest in anything the loss off my dad and then my home 45years i can buy a house but where dont know where i want to be im so lost depressed yes im on my own and its a very lonely place more than words can say miss my dad so much
    im fed up with being taken advantage of solictors mislead me horrible people when your so mixed up which i was still am just want to get on with my life but cant seem to find my self dont trust anyone as i use to when dad was alive breavament is a major truma to go through i wish i was able to back home where ive lived all my life with my dad why did thay force me to sell my home that was my home.

  264. Gen said on March 31, 2015 at 9:45 pm ... #

    I’m reading through so many of the stories here and each one tug at my heart so so deeply. My story of the loss of my Dad, is a long one… An inspiring one… But a heavy one for me. I can tell you that he died the summer of 2012; two weeks before my 40th bday. He was my hero… My best friend. He was my first true love and has inspired me to live a life of love. I try my best to love a life that reflects how deeply and how greatly he loved me. But when life challenges me, like these days, it’s hard. When I’m living with a light heart, when I smile, when I sing, when I am grateful for so many things… When I’m helping others, when I am kind to myself… I can feel him. But often, when I’m at my lowest, like these days, I just can’t feel him. And that place is lonely. Nothing fills me when I’m in this place. I no longer have a best friend, my husband is very disconnected from what grief feels for me… And I usually just write my heart out and help to uplift others. But that is not the case now. I am going through some unfair things in my life and I need him. I need him to tell me a simple “You’ve got this Gen! You’re great Gen!”… Anything. The other night, alone in my bedroom, I opened my window and talked to him through the skies and this one tree that stands in the backyard of my window. I can’t reach the tree… But I held my hand out in the freezing cold winds… Asking him to grab it so I can feel like I’m alive and that I’ll be safe.

    Mark- I’m sorry for this heartache you (and the rest of us) are going through. I have to believe that life will feel less painful and that out of pains, something beautiful has got to come out. Something! My Dad was my biggest cheerleader and my greatest example of how to love a full life. I have to believe that I can live a life of love and not this sadness and pain that I’m feeling.

    Love and blessings to you. And all.

  265. Christina Volturo said on April 2, 2015 at 4:22 pm ... #

    That was amazing, I lost somebody every close to me and went through the same things as you. I’m really happy for you, that you got the help you needed, and are a happy person again. Congrats.

  266. Sarah said on April 4, 2015 at 12:53 pm ... #

    I’m 13 years old and I just lost my dad two days ago in a terrible ski accident. I have and older sister and a brother and sister the same age as me (were triplets).
    We were all with my dad when he accidentally caught an edge and slipped over the backside of he bowl, he fell off a cliff and ended up breaking his back. All my siblings witnessed him slipping, but I was standing behind him and saw much more than the others, I saw my dad die.
    As it has only been two days I’m still in disbelief, of course I’ve cried my fair share of tears but then there’s times where I feel completely fine, which makes me feel even more guilty for not Feeling bad all the time.
    I know a lot of people have had to loose a family member and my heart breaks reading these story’s, but it doesn’t feel quite the same, a lot of people have had time to say goodbye, where as my family did not, my dad died within the blink of an eye, and Ive only got 13 short years with the incredible man. It just doesn’t seem fair. I’m not sure if that sounds selfish or not but I just needed to say it. That is, if anyone even reads these.
    I’m still no sure what my now family of 5 is going to do. I’m not sure I’m having as visible signs of Greving as some of the people in the other stories do, the only thing I’ve been able to notice is my loss of appetite, but I worry about my mom and other siblings. When my dad died he took a part of us with all of him and I can just see everyone’s trying to stay strong for each other but I can see everyone’s hearts breaking.
    This is definitely the hardest thing me and my family have gone through and will have to go through which is why we are all going to see a grieving counsler/therapist.

  267. Nicola said on April 12, 2015 at 9:56 am ... #

    Hiya mark am so sorry for your loss and I feel the same way am 45 I have lovley family 2 lads who I adore dean 28 and Lewis 24 I have 2 grandchildren who I dote on I am in between my house and my mums house my dad died jan 7th 2015 he was my rock my hero am the youngest of all my sisters and brothers are great what am trying to say is I had all my house refurbished just before my dad died I have not been back there since my dad died am staying with my mum my brother wants me to give up my house and move in withmum I love my mum and dote on her and she very healthy my head is wrecked so much as am greiving so bad am crying like a baby iv got no get up and go its like my whole life has changed I sometimes think am going to have a break down I just want my dad all the time since jan iv been so I’ll I don’t no if am coming or going I have had illness after illness and yeh I should be there for my grand kids I feel as if am backing away I don’t no what to do no more I feel so empty x

  268. Jackie said on April 17, 2015 at 10:30 am ... #

    To see that other know exactly how I feel helps me not to feel so alone I lost my hero my rock my right hand my dad was my world he died of cancer none of us knew neither did he,they diagnosed him in August2012 at age 66 he died Oct 18 2012 I am a mother of 4 beautiful kids I love them and I know I have to be strong but the pain of losing my dad makes me want to give up I just can’t seem to find myself anymore I feel as if I died with him I feel so alone and guilty because I have many blessings and so much to live for I still have my mom but she is nothing like my dad she is a very dry negative person who just blames me for my father’s death since he would help me with my kids so that I could work I am at the end of my rope I feel so depressed and just angry at life and numb I know my kids need me but feel dead inside

  269. Amna said on April 24, 2015 at 9:45 am ... #

    My father died this Sunday, the 19th of April. He died of food poisoning and it was on his BIRTHDAY. Since 15th April he was admitted in hospital and then he died suddenly. His kidneys stopped working too.
    I love you him very much. He was the best father in the world. He got me and my family every single thing, regardless of money issues. He was amazing, talented and everybody loved him. I am 13 and you have no idea how difficult it is when my grandfather comes to pick me from school instead of my father and how there’s no smiling face anymore. I miss him with an ache in my heart and the fact that I’m calm sometime makes me feel sick. I want with all my heart for him to visit me in a dream and tell me that he is very, very happy in heaven. I don’t know how I’m going to cope with all of this.

  270. Anonymous said on May 5, 2015 at 11:16 am ... #

    I read all the above comments , to know that i am not the only one fighting. But still this doesn’t bring any peace to me.
    I lost my father last july . He was suffering from Chronic kidney disease. He was just 62 yr. I was in med school doing my internship. I was so happy that evening , unaware of what is coming for me. My sister called me crying , about his death .i was so shocked and broke , i threw my phone in anger. I cried like a baby , and i didn’t stop me from that. My roommate left me alone for a while to cope with it. I cried for a whole hour , the only thing beloved to me was lost. My father was my only strength after i lost my mom in my childhood. Now my closest person also gone , i felt completely helpless. Even if i am a doctor i couldn’t save him , i feel so guilty for this. He was so sad so broke , during his last phase of his life due to his illness , those bitter medications , food restrictions. He was forbidden to have any non veg diet , any fruit , any spicy food , even his water intake was also restricted to 1 litre per day due to his deteriorating kidneys. During summers i felt like crying seeing his miserable condition , requesting for a glass of water. I felt like cursed , being a doctor but still can’t alleviate his suffering. i felt how helpless and ironic medical science is. His disease was incurable , unless a transplant surgery was done. But he didn’t survive till that. I should have lied to him about that his condition is curable, i should have given him hope. I never did. God i m such a sinner , whenever i think about this i feel like commiting suicide. I was aspiring to be a interventional cardiologist b4. Now I have no wish to live anymore. I am living like i m just spending my time here. I can’t sleep in night , i put a fake smile . i sometimes skip my meals. I have lost interest in my studies my profession, in everything. But death isn’t coming any sooner. My soul is so much tortured in my body , i can feel it. I hope my last breath will be a sigh of relief.

  271. Ian said on May 15, 2015 at 11:24 pm ... #

    Coping with the loss of someone as important and close as a parent when we are young is one of the hardest things anyone can do. I was 11 when my father died of cancer and I decided then to mourn actively for a year and then move on. I went to school each day and having people around me helped me cope. My mother was so sad because my parents loved each other very much. I didn’t sleep much and cried myself to sleep many nights in that first year after he died. I was depressed and my family was sad and lonely without his presence. The hardest part the year after he died was the empty place at the dinner table – I sometimes had to get up during the dinner to collect my emotions I wanted to cry so much. 40 years later near the anniversary of his death I dreamed one night that he had returned for a brief period – his presence in my dream was so wonderful. And I was a middle aged man when I had this dream. I am now older than he was when he died and I still wish he had lived a full life. Our parents never leave us, who they were and their love remains inside us all our lives even when they die when we and they are young. But I think those who lose parents at a young age just grieve longer than those who lose them when they are older.

    I hope you can find a way to live a happy life with your father in your heart for the rest of your life.

  272. Garry butler said on June 7, 2015 at 11:20 pm ... #

    Yeah I know how everyone feels on here. I go throught as well. Seems like the death of a loved one, the years go by so fast. It will be three years since my grandfather died, and I can’t accept his death. He raised me from a baby on up. I never got to say my goodbyes, never was able to say I love you again, it hurts so bad. Sometimes I want to die, just so that I can see him again. Before I lost him, I never knew how losing a loved one felt. Sometimes I’m lonely, sometimes I don’t want to see the light of day. It hurts so bad to the point I feel like I died already, just inside. The memories keep popping in my mind, like an old favorite song or melody. Please someone help me

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