After My Father Died

Grief is not unlike being lost out at sea; waves of different emotions continuously crash over you and you feel as if the current will sweep you out even farther from what you once thought was normal. Grief sometimes manifests itself into something a lot darker. Sometimes it turns into something that makes you feel emotions you are unfamiliar and uncomfortable with, and the normal stages of grief can manifest into depression.

I was fourteen when my father died. I knew what loss and grief felt like before then – I lost my aunt only four months before my dad died in November 2005 and each year before that, I lost my Gramps and uncle. This time, however, my grief was a lot different; I was not sad all the time, as people expected me to be. I rarely cried and I stopped sleeping. I was up half the night, tossing and turning. I had to force myself to get out of bed every morning because I was exhausted and numb.

Everyone around me thought I was coping so well because I became an amazing actress. I would plaster on a fake smile, go out with friends and continue to go to school like I was fine. On the inside, however, I was crushed under the weight of my depression and constant numbness. Things that used to give me pleasure were now tasks that took what little energy I had away from me; I stopped writing and had to force myself to go out with friends to “keep up with appearances.” I stopped eating and lost weight – once again, I had to force myself to eat to keep everyone around me from thinking that there was something wrong.

By the year anniversary of my dad’s death, I couldn’t take the depression any longer. I could no longer recognize the girl in the mirror; a once happy, full of life girl was now paled by grief and sadness. I was completely lost under wave after wave of crushing sadness and I had no way of getting out. If you had told me before my dad died that I would feel like this, I would have laughed and thought you were crazy. But there I was, a year after my father died, at fifteen years old, struggling to find happiness in my life once more. At its worst, I could not make myself get out of bed and faked sick to get out of school. I decided this was my own battle face – I did not need to bother my family members, who were also swamped with grief – with my sadness. At least, at first I never told anyone.

About six months after my grief turned into something darker, I decided enough was enough. I wanted help – I wanted the people I cared about to know that something was not right with my grief.  My grief had manifested itself into depression I needed help. So, I told a teacher that I was close to about my problem and he immediately whisked me off to the guidance counselor who promptly called my mother. My mom rushed from work to the school and held me so tight that I thought she would never let go. She cried and told me that she wished that she could take the pain away. Since that was impossible, of course, we decided to go with the next best thing – therapy.

I started therapy in May of 2007 and have continued to work with the same therapist since then. Therapy is not a walk in the park; there were days after my session that I would run home and fight the urge crawl back into bed because we talked about things that upset or “triggered” me. But therapy also gave me new coping skills to deal with the thoughts of depression and the hard things I was dealing with. I am now able to feel things again and am no longer numb. I can talk about my feelings and experiences without having to lie and put on a fake smile.

I am still currently in therapy and I can honestly say that it is one of the best things to come out of my grief and depression. I have not been stuck in the tar of depression since April of 2009 and I believe that through therapy, I was able to do so.  I can now talk about my dad without tearing up and getting triggered. I’ve learned how to express my emotions, instead of keeping them bottled up. It’s amazing how much difference that has made in my life.

Overcoming depression is a constant battle that I have to fight, but therapy and self-care have made that battle possible. It takes a lot of work, but with that work I was able to become the happy, well-adjusted twenty-one year old that I am today. I am still learning a lot about myself through therapy and through my grieving process. There are days where my depression tries to sneak back into my life but I know that I can now overcome those days with the coping skills I have learned in the past four years.

Special thanks to Hello Grief community member Annie Walters for sharing this story with us.

Photo credit.

22 Comments:

  1. Klare Desteen said on February 3, 2015 at 1:20 pm ... #

    I lost my father 2 years ago exactly on my birthday. He died on a car crash. And I didn’t know if he greets me or not because he left the house so early and I’m sleeping. My mother is not living with us because she is working abroad. In that year, we were also suffering a family problem. Me and my sister caught my father cheating on my mother and it was so heartbreaking for us. One day my father talked to me I know he is drunk. He cried in front of me and he even apologized to me many times. And he explained everything to me. I thought that was the most heartbreaking for me but in that year my father died. And I wake up in the day of my birthday, my father is dead what a gift right. Before the day he died we had an argument about something and we didn’t settle it because he died. I’m 16 years old and my sister is 13 back then. Losing someone in young age is not bearable. I didn’t cry in the wake of my father because my mother and my sister is crying there’s no one will comfort them. I told to myself to be strong because I’m the one who will protect my mother and my sister. And after a month my mother fly back to her work to make money for us. And I’m the only one who study because my sister forbid to go to school because she has a heart disease. When my mother left I started crying every night if everyone in the room is sleeping. And after a year when my mother is back I stop crying every night and when she left again I’m back to crying again. Sometimes I didn’t go to school because I am very sad to get up and study. And I always stay awake until 2 in the morning because I always remember him. There’s no one I can talked to. I am crying when I’m reading all the comments here. I thought I’m the only one who experienced this life. I’ve been crying in two years. I’m 18 now I thought if I’m getting older I will start to move on but in the other hand it was a reminder to me that someone special to me died in my birthday. What can I do to stop this?

  2. Sam said on February 6, 2015 at 12:51 am ... #

    My dad died two days back. He was the only sane person in our family, never complained about his pain. I did a bad job of being open with him and didn’t get a chance to say all the things I wanted to say to him. I will hate myself for this unt the day I die. Only after he died that my mom told me that he desperately wanted to talk to me while my quiet nature didn’t let me be more open with him. I’m a bad son who tortured his very own father this way.

  3. mani said on February 13, 2015 at 1:22 pm ... #

    i lost my dad 4 month back due to lung cancer,this was second time when he digonised with cancer,after the death of my dad i feel my self that world is changed for me ,i try to live normal with every one but inside i feel to much bad , i can”t belive my self that my dad is not with me,me and my dad are tourist person in every holidays we sit together and make plan to travel but now there is no one with i can sit and make plan,it feel to much sad every single day i think about him ….

  4. don't know what to do with my life said on February 19, 2015 at 2:43 pm ... #

    Well, I’m in a similar situation to you all… My dad died 4 months ago, and I’m 15. It was completely unexpected… he lived in a different country and i went to see him every holiday. people may think that because he lived in a different country, i wasn’t close to him, but i was. i moved out with my mum at age 10 because my mum got a job abroad and both my parents thought it would be best if we moved out as it was a great opportunity. during the summer of 2013, i noticed that my dads feet started to get a bit swollen, i kept on telling him that he should get it checked out but he insisted he was fine. After i went back home when the holidays finished,my dad was rushed to hospital one day (me or my mum never knew about this until after he died)and he was diagnosed with a disease and the doctor told him he had to be very careful. That xmas i didnt see him because me and my mum went to america to see our family who we hadnt seen in over a year. When i went in easter, and i saw him at the airport, i felt like i wanted to die. he’d lost so much weight and i just thought ´what the heck´ cos the last time i saw him he was completely fine (Apart from the swollen thing) that moment that i saw him at the airport, i felt like turning around and getting a plane back…i just couldnt recognise him, it didnt feel like it was him anymore.. he was with my godmother and his voice was so weak. I tried not to mention anything and act like I hadnt noticed, but when we went to the parking lot and i realised he wasn’t driving, i knew something was wrong. I tried to follow a casual conversation on the way home but i just wanted to cry and scream. After I had been there for a few days, i asked him in a casual way if he was ill, he told me he HAD been but that he was recovering (this was true) but he made it sound like it wasn’t bad and it was nothing i should worry about, he never told me the disease and how bad he’d been,the way he said it just made me completely forget about it. After i went back home, i cried to my mum after she picked me up at the airport, and she called him asking why he hadn’t told us that he’d been ill and he was just like ‘ohh don’t worry i’m fine now’. (my mum never realised how bad he was otherwise we wouldve moved back with him). When i went in the summer he was waaaaaaay better, literally..by the time i was back i didnt really mind the whole thing and even his doctor was like ‘omg look how quickly my patients recover!!’ when he was there..Anyways , im not gonna tell the whole story but he died at the end of october when i was on holiday in italy with my aunt. i was planning visiting him that week.. and i dont know whether that wouldve been better or worse..either i wouldve had the chance to say goodbye to him they way i wish now i couldve,or he would just have died randomly at home and it wouldve scared the shit out of me. the last time he went online was on the 24th, the day after he helped my mum buy the tickets for italy(he was the one who found them) and he died on the 29th…. i dont know what happened during those days,whether he was ill,whether his phone didn’t work, i dont know.. my mum had been really busy lately because she found out her best friend had cancer so she was taking care of her and hadn’t spoken that much to my dad during that week.i sent him a text on the 27th saying ‘hi i love you’ and he never read it. that was the last thing i ever said to him. i was quite surprised he didnt reply straight away like he always does but i just thought ‘oh his phone must be weird’ he died on the 29th, and i found out on halloween. however on the 30th and 31st i was extremely ill, even tho i didnt know what had happened yet. and i vomited 4 times in 2 hours (i never throw up, the last time i had before that was when i was 7yrs old) when i found out, i screamed and ran upstairs saying it couldnt be true, me and my cousin went for a walk at 1am and nothing felt the same anymore, life has never felt the same again… there has not been one day where i havent thought about him, i miss him every damn day of my life. He was my everything and I was his everything. I cant believe i was so gulliable and didnt realise what was going on, but i know he didnt know he was gonna die.. these months have been torture , i only told my best friends and a few other people about it, so people at my school dont know. i dont want to be known as the girl ‘who’s dad died’ i didnt want to get the ‘sorrys’ or the looks in the corridor. i missed two weeks of school to go and incinerate him etc. when i went back school didnt feel the same, i have no motivation whatsoever and i feel like im wasting my teenage years. i want to be strong for him but i cant…. im now going to start therapy and i hope it goes well… the worst thing was when people at school came up to me and said ‘omg ___ how was spain? youre so lucky you got to miss 2 weeks of school!!’ i just felt like.. if only you knew… Also, the day after i found out, was the day i had to fly on my own from italy back home.. and i was just crying in the airport looking like a tramp.. i just thought ‘wow we really shouldnt judge random people, we dont know what theyve been through or whats going on in their lives’ people mustve thought i was mental or something because i was looking so bad loool i was so annoyed, i could see happy families everywhere laughing and i just felt ‘how can people be so happy when i feel like this?’ anyway im gonna shut up now so yeah

  5. kelly said on February 21, 2015 at 4:00 pm ... #

    I can barely see right now for tears…I lost my two dad’s (adoptive and biological within six months of each other (5 Feb and 16th August 2014) and feel like I’m drowning.I have an ache that in chest that won’t stop and don’t feel like I’ll ever be happy again. I’m 37 and a mother of three beautiful sons and really need to be a whole person for them but I don’t know how to.I’ve started grief councelling but I have no idea if it’ll help but I’m so desparate for it to because I feel like the person I was and liked is slipping away.i wish I could get just one more hug or hear them tell me it’ll be OK. You’re all so brave and I hope that one day I can think of them without hating them for leaving me,crying or wanting to be with them,and I’m terrified that my sadness will drive the people I still have to not want to be around me.

  6. miriam said on February 24, 2015 at 5:28 pm ... #

    My dad died a year and 2 months ago from prostate cancer and im still coming to terms with it all. I’ve only just coming tothe end of sorting his house etc out. Now im really feeling the effects of losing him, starting to regret not speaking to him before he passed nd i feel like im falling into a darker depression more nd more i dont speak to any friends/family bout it. All my friends have loads going on in there lives so i think i would be being selfish after knowing what losing a loved one does to you

  7. ShatteredStar said on February 24, 2015 at 8:01 pm ... #

    My father died of hospital acquired infections while fighting fibrosarcoma in a hospice center in 2012.

    I’ve been broken ever since. I’ve tried to seek justice for him…consulting lawyers. Hearing that “he was going to die anyway” and ” the case isn’t worth it” kills me. I hate to think that he died alone that night. Hate to think that he suffered. Hate to know that my father is gone. and with every passing year, his passing hurts more. I collapse unexpectedly. Midday. At a time when I’m not even thinking of him. The thought of him just catches me. And I sob.

    I’ve lost my Daddy. MY daddy. And he’s not coming back. There’s no finding him anymore. He’s gone.

  8. still trying to cope said on March 8, 2015 at 4:37 am ... #

    yesterday marked 11 years since my father passed away. at times I understand that God has his plans for us all but then at times I just can’t accept what happened. I was daddy’s girl. my father suffered from alcohol addiction which ultimately led to his death. towards the end of his life I started seeing him less because it would kill me seeing him under the influence. when I did see him, he would often ask me for money to buy drink. despite being close to my father, im a very private person and never took it upon myself to tell him just how much his drinking was affecting me. for this reason I partially blame myself for his death. surely if I had sat with him and poured my heart out about how I felt, he might have made more of an effort to get help. I feel that my silence and absence towards the end had encouraged him to drink even more, knowing that he was harming himself with each extra drink. I abandoned him in the time he needed me most. after his passing I tried to be strong. I again tried to hide just how much it was all affecting me. I continued to work despite my boss insisting I take time off. I kept a straight face by day and cried myself to sleep at night.

    11 years on, im 31 years old with a family of my own and spend most days wishing my father was here to spend time with my kids as he always said he wanted dozens of grandchildren.

  9. Chris said on March 9, 2015 at 7:53 am ... #

    It has been comforting to realise that so many people have lost someone dear to them. My mother died when I was 9 years of age and the only one I told was a friend at Primary School. My father was distraught and could not talk to me and my older sister and brother about our terrible loss. This meant that we did not grieve properly and for myself I just bottled up my personal loss. Like others have said I never got of bed unti noon on school holidays.

    When I went to secondary school I took my depression with me but I think I just felt this was me and didn’t recognise it as such. None of my peers knew about my mother’s untimely death at forty although those from my village must have got to know. I never spoke about it and therefore they didn’t either.

    Ironic as it may seem I got by through having a healthy sense of humour and loved comic films on TV and the radio. I had become very shy with strangers which was embarrassing as I was unable to have a meaningful conversation. I left school at 16 and had various jobs over the years and made good friends with many of my colleagues from those employments some of whom are still friends with me at my current age of 74.

    I lost my wife when she was 40 like history was repeating itself which was devastating for me and my two teenage daughters but this time we all talked about our loss and indeed I told anybody at the time including some of my customers which might have made me feel better but was probably embarrassing for them.
    I married again and my present wife had lost her husband at about the same time as I had my wife. She had four children aged from 12 down to fo 4 so family life began again for me which was marvellous on the whole but testing as the older boys were not particularly pleased to have a stepfather. However we all survived so from the start of family life at 23 I have four grandchildren and three of my wife’ s children have given her eight grandchildren all of which treat me as their grandad even though the older ones know I am not their natural relative.

    I will conclude all of this with a recent a somewhat bizarre story. During one of my jobs which lasted only eighteen months I became good friends with a female colleague. It was quite platonic as she was engaged and I was already married and mu daughters were born. After I left I never had contact again with her again but I didn’t forget her and earlier this year I decided to see if I could get in touch once more using a people finder. He did so quite quickly but with the dreadful news she had died at age 30. I was quite upset about this but when checking the death certificate I realised the name was correct but it was not the person I knew. The fault was mine for having given the researcher the wrong year of birth. He tried again with the correct year and she was found alive and well. I was asked by the searcher if I would like him to ‘phone with the initial approach. He came and told me she had certainly worked at the same place but didn’t remember me. I should probably have left it there but. I did write to her with list of things I remembered about her and the people we worked with. She didn’t reply and I tried ‘phoning her a couple of times but there was no answer and I did not leave a message. At the third try I did leave a message and a few days later. I received an email in which she recounted her life to me. I thought this might turn out a joyful reunion but she thought otherwise and I will not try this again.

  10. Nicola said on March 11, 2015 at 10:16 pm ... #

    I wrote on here 29th jan 2015 about my lovley dad who passed away 7th jan 2015 am still destroyed and still crying iv lost half a stone its got to a stage were if am out at supermarket I get people asking how I am I break down so much and carnt shop I also took my grandson out there other day who 3 and he asked where his grandad was it was so hard to hold back them tears so hard I have to go and swill my face in public toilets as if I wast so hot because there tears came so much it was like a tap and if I have to make one wish it would be to live my life over then I could see my dad again I’m so so lost however I have read all your comments and I can only say am sorry to read such sad news i do hope it gets a little better for you all blessings to you all x

  11. Aditya said on March 16, 2015 at 11:12 am ... #

    no mountain is endless but my pain has no end. it was the incident that took all of my joy and laugh out of my life. I just had finished my semesters 2 nd exam and leave the examination hall and look at my cell that number of misscalls had in my cell. then a call that take all of my strength it’s from my friend told me “I saw yours father’s car and it got a serious accident at highway” really I don’t have anything in my mind what could I do now. in brief when I arrived home my mother is near about senseless and all people staring at me my sister got mad. I couldn’t able to understand then I came to know he is no more.. man with no health issues died with car accident huh and I m like why my father. if destiny could take me instead of my macho father. as a son I can’t do a single thing to my father.

  12. mark said on March 17, 2015 at 10:38 am ... #

    its been over 3 years since i lost my dad and it really hurts losing my home as well i feel totaly lost cant get motivated ive lost intrest in allmost everythink dont know where to turn dad was my world to me just fedup greaf really hurts my dad helped me sort out things like paperwork i depended on my dad so much he was my soul mate all my friends want me to get on with things i do know what thay are saying and i know thay are right but a loss of someone very close im so very sad still cry i cry to hear my dads voice i know its not going to happen. i will see my dad again in heaven he was a very loving dad and i know he loved me to bits and i loved him so much .mark xxx

  13. mark said on March 26, 2015 at 11:27 am ... #

    again im here ive lost all my get up and go i have no intrest in anything the loss off my dad and then my home 45years i can buy a house but where dont know where i want to be im so lost depressed yes im on my own and its a very lonely place more than words can say miss my dad so much
    im fed up with being taken advantage of solictors mislead me horrible people when your so mixed up which i was still am just want to get on with my life but cant seem to find my self dont trust anyone as i use to when dad was alive breavament is a major truma to go through i wish i was able to back home where ive lived all my life with my dad why did thay force me to sell my home that was my home.

  14. Gen said on March 31, 2015 at 9:45 pm ... #

    I’m reading through so many of the stories here and each one tug at my heart so so deeply. My story of the loss of my Dad, is a long one… An inspiring one… But a heavy one for me. I can tell you that he died the summer of 2012; two weeks before my 40th bday. He was my hero… My best friend. He was my first true love and has inspired me to live a life of love. I try my best to love a life that reflects how deeply and how greatly he loved me. But when life challenges me, like these days, it’s hard. When I’m living with a light heart, when I smile, when I sing, when I am grateful for so many things… When I’m helping others, when I am kind to myself… I can feel him. But often, when I’m at my lowest, like these days, I just can’t feel him. And that place is lonely. Nothing fills me when I’m in this place. I no longer have a best friend, my husband is very disconnected from what grief feels for me… And I usually just write my heart out and help to uplift others. But that is not the case now. I am going through some unfair things in my life and I need him. I need him to tell me a simple “You’ve got this Gen! You’re great Gen!”… Anything. The other night, alone in my bedroom, I opened my window and talked to him through the skies and this one tree that stands in the backyard of my window. I can’t reach the tree… But I held my hand out in the freezing cold winds… Asking him to grab it so I can feel like I’m alive and that I’ll be safe.

    Mark- I’m sorry for this heartache you (and the rest of us) are going through. I have to believe that life will feel less painful and that out of pains, something beautiful has got to come out. Something! My Dad was my biggest cheerleader and my greatest example of how to love a full life. I have to believe that I can live a life of love and not this sadness and pain that I’m feeling.

    Love and blessings to you. And all.

  15. Christina Volturo said on April 2, 2015 at 4:22 pm ... #

    That was amazing, I lost somebody every close to me and went through the same things as you. I’m really happy for you, that you got the help you needed, and are a happy person again. Congrats.

  16. Sarah said on April 4, 2015 at 12:53 pm ... #

    I’m 13 years old and I just lost my dad two days ago in a terrible ski accident. I have and older sister and a brother and sister the same age as me (were triplets).
    We were all with my dad when he accidentally caught an edge and slipped over the backside of he bowl, he fell off a cliff and ended up breaking his back. All my siblings witnessed him slipping, but I was standing behind him and saw much more than the others, I saw my dad die.
    As it has only been two days I’m still in disbelief, of course I’ve cried my fair share of tears but then there’s times where I feel completely fine, which makes me feel even more guilty for not Feeling bad all the time.
    I know a lot of people have had to loose a family member and my heart breaks reading these story’s, but it doesn’t feel quite the same, a lot of people have had time to say goodbye, where as my family did not, my dad died within the blink of an eye, and Ive only got 13 short years with the incredible man. It just doesn’t seem fair. I’m not sure if that sounds selfish or not but I just needed to say it. That is, if anyone even reads these.
    I’m still no sure what my now family of 5 is going to do. I’m not sure I’m having as visible signs of Greving as some of the people in the other stories do, the only thing I’ve been able to notice is my loss of appetite, but I worry about my mom and other siblings. When my dad died he took a part of us with all of him and I can just see everyone’s trying to stay strong for each other but I can see everyone’s hearts breaking.
    This is definitely the hardest thing me and my family have gone through and will have to go through which is why we are all going to see a grieving counsler/therapist.

  17. Nicola said on April 12, 2015 at 9:56 am ... #

    Hiya mark am so sorry for your loss and I feel the same way am 45 I have lovley family 2 lads who I adore dean 28 and Lewis 24 I have 2 grandchildren who I dote on I am in between my house and my mums house my dad died jan 7th 2015 he was my rock my hero am the youngest of all my sisters and brothers are great what am trying to say is I had all my house refurbished just before my dad died I have not been back there since my dad died am staying with my mum my brother wants me to give up my house and move in withmum I love my mum and dote on her and she very healthy my head is wrecked so much as am greiving so bad am crying like a baby iv got no get up and go its like my whole life has changed I sometimes think am going to have a break down I just want my dad all the time since jan iv been so I’ll I don’t no if am coming or going I have had illness after illness and yeh I should be there for my grand kids I feel as if am backing away I don’t no what to do no more I feel so empty x

  18. Jackie said on April 17, 2015 at 10:30 am ... #

    To see that other know exactly how I feel helps me not to feel so alone I lost my hero my rock my right hand my dad was my world he died of cancer none of us knew neither did he,they diagnosed him in August2012 at age 66 he died Oct 18 2012 I am a mother of 4 beautiful kids I love them and I know I have to be strong but the pain of losing my dad makes me want to give up I just can’t seem to find myself anymore I feel as if I died with him I feel so alone and guilty because I have many blessings and so much to live for I still have my mom but she is nothing like my dad she is a very dry negative person who just blames me for my father’s death since he would help me with my kids so that I could work I am at the end of my rope I feel so depressed and just angry at life and numb I know my kids need me but feel dead inside

  19. Amna said on April 24, 2015 at 9:45 am ... #

    My father died this Sunday, the 19th of April. He died of food poisoning and it was on his BIRTHDAY. Since 15th April he was admitted in hospital and then he died suddenly. His kidneys stopped working too.
    I love you him very much. He was the best father in the world. He got me and my family every single thing, regardless of money issues. He was amazing, talented and everybody loved him. I am 13 and you have no idea how difficult it is when my grandfather comes to pick me from school instead of my father and how there’s no smiling face anymore. I miss him with an ache in my heart and the fact that I’m calm sometime makes me feel sick. I want with all my heart for him to visit me in a dream and tell me that he is very, very happy in heaven. I don’t know how I’m going to cope with all of this.

  20. Anonymous said on May 5, 2015 at 11:16 am ... #

    I read all the above comments , to know that i am not the only one fighting. But still this doesn’t bring any peace to me.
    I lost my father last july . He was suffering from Chronic kidney disease. He was just 62 yr. I was in med school doing my internship. I was so happy that evening , unaware of what is coming for me. My sister called me crying , about his death .i was so shocked and broke , i threw my phone in anger. I cried like a baby , and i didn’t stop me from that. My roommate left me alone for a while to cope with it. I cried for a whole hour , the only thing beloved to me was lost. My father was my only strength after i lost my mom in my childhood. Now my closest person also gone , i felt completely helpless. Even if i am a doctor i couldn’t save him , i feel so guilty for this. He was so sad so broke , during his last phase of his life due to his illness , those bitter medications , food restrictions. He was forbidden to have any non veg diet , any fruit , any spicy food , even his water intake was also restricted to 1 litre per day due to his deteriorating kidneys. During summers i felt like crying seeing his miserable condition , requesting for a glass of water. I felt like cursed , being a doctor but still can’t alleviate his suffering. i felt how helpless and ironic medical science is. His disease was incurable , unless a transplant surgery was done. But he didn’t survive till that. I should have lied to him about that his condition is curable, i should have given him hope. I never did. God i m such a sinner , whenever i think about this i feel like commiting suicide. I was aspiring to be a interventional cardiologist b4. Now I have no wish to live anymore. I am living like i m just spending my time here. I can’t sleep in night , i put a fake smile . i sometimes skip my meals. I have lost interest in my studies my profession, in everything. But death isn’t coming any sooner. My soul is so much tortured in my body , i can feel it. I hope my last breath will be a sigh of relief.

  21. Ian said on May 15, 2015 at 11:24 pm ... #

    Coping with the loss of someone as important and close as a parent when we are young is one of the hardest things anyone can do. I was 11 when my father died of cancer and I decided then to mourn actively for a year and then move on. I went to school each day and having people around me helped me cope. My mother was so sad because my parents loved each other very much. I didn’t sleep much and cried myself to sleep many nights in that first year after he died. I was depressed and my family was sad and lonely without his presence. The hardest part the year after he died was the empty place at the dinner table – I sometimes had to get up during the dinner to collect my emotions I wanted to cry so much. 40 years later near the anniversary of his death I dreamed one night that he had returned for a brief period – his presence in my dream was so wonderful. And I was a middle aged man when I had this dream. I am now older than he was when he died and I still wish he had lived a full life. Our parents never leave us, who they were and their love remains inside us all our lives even when they die when we and they are young. But I think those who lose parents at a young age just grieve longer than those who lose them when they are older.

    I hope you can find a way to live a happy life with your father in your heart for the rest of your life.

  22. Garry butler said on June 7, 2015 at 11:20 pm ... #

    Yeah I know how everyone feels on here. I go throught as well. Seems like the death of a loved one, the years go by so fast. It will be three years since my grandfather died, and I can’t accept his death. He raised me from a baby on up. I never got to say my goodbyes, never was able to say I love you again, it hurts so bad. Sometimes I want to die, just so that I can see him again. Before I lost him, I never knew how losing a loved one felt. Sometimes I’m lonely, sometimes I don’t want to see the light of day. It hurts so bad to the point I feel like I died already, just inside. The memories keep popping in my mind, like an old favorite song or melody. Please someone help me

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