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Someone I loved once gave me
a box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand
that this too was a gift.*
*Mary Oliver
Sometimes after a significant loss – such as a spouse, child, father, or mother – you find yourself so busy taking care of others, “being strong,” and/or just surviving day-to-day, that you really don’t allow yourself to deeply grieve or mourn. That doesn’t mean that you don’t occasionally have times of deep pain and sadness, but you then say to yourself, “OK, get on with your life. That’s what he or she would want you to do.” Then time goes by – it may be six months or eighteen – and all of a sudden it hits you like a brick. This has been aptly labeled by some as “delayed grief.”
When grief sneak up on you several months after your loss, it may be difficult to share it with others because it seems they won’t understand. They thought you were OK, and “beyond” it all, so how can you bring up your grief now?
There are some things you can do. They are not too different from what’s needed immediately after a loss. You just need to give yourself permission to enter the process.
- Seek out a grief counselor or support group. Guidance from a professional, or a group of fellow mourners who understand, can be just what you need to get through a rough patch. Sometimes anger, guilt and regret surface because they, along with other feelings, were delayed. Know that these feelings are natural, even at a late stage.
- Find readings or tapes on the grief journey. The Hello Grief website is a good example of such a resource.
- Refrain from making hasty decisions or entering quickly into a committed relationship out of loneliness. Give yourself time to move through this delayed period of mourning. When you have sorted out the challenge of delayed grief, there will be time for these things.
- Maintain your strength by eating well and exercising. Exercise helps clear the mind in addition to being good for you.
Here are some other words by Mary Oliver that speak to me and may speak to you, also.
That time
I thought I could not
go any closer to grief
without dying.
I went closer,
and I did not die.
Surely God
Had His hand in this,
As well as friends.
Still I was bent…
Then said my friend Daniel
(brave even among lions),
“It is not the weight you carry
But how you carry it—
Books, bricks, grief—
It’s all in the way
You embrace it, carry it…
Even when grief enters late, you can move towards the pain, and through it, by caring for yourself and giving yourself permission to grieve and mourn.
Embrace it, carry it, be startled when you laugh, admire beauty, and begin to heal.
* * * *
*Poems by Mary Oiver can be found in her book of poetry Thirst.
34 Comments:
“That time
I thought I could not
go any closer to grief
without dying.
I went closer,
and I did not die.”
Bill – as always, you have a gift with words. Not only with your own, but with sharing the words of others in exactly the right way, at exactly the right time. How fortunate we are to have you in our circle.
When my daughter died she left behind her only child-my beloved Kate.I have spent the last 2 years making sure she was ok..forgot myself.Iam just realizing how much I miss Megan….you were a beautiful child ,a troubled adult..but I loved you so much….and sometimes I think that i cannot live without you..but i do!!!!!! Love you my beautiful angel!!!! Mom
alisha,I am sure God sent you my way!!!!!!!! love you!!
Joyce,
How hard it is to lose a child. As you take care of Kate also take care of yourself. Someone wiser than me said, “You have to keep filling up your own bucket or it will be hard to share the water with others.” — Grieve deeply, move towards the pain and start the healing. Sounds like you are on your way. -Kate is fortunate to have someone to tell her about her mom and keep the good memories alive.
Take good care!
My father died from cancer in 1976 when I was 17 years old. My parents did not disclose his illness to my brother and me until it could no longer remain hidden.
A few months before his death, as I watched my 6′2″ broad-shouldered father literally waste away before my eyes, my mother decided to finally inform of something that she had kept from me since my childhood – that the man I was mourning wasn’t my biological father, as I had been led to believe! She delivered this shocking news to me, at an obviously inopportune time, with a viciousness and insensitivity that I have yet to forgive her for. I was completely numb. In addition to the almost unbearable grief of my impending loss, I felt betrayed and that my life had been a lie. I was about to lose the man who I loved dearly and who I thought was, in the biological sense, my real father and simultaneously became aware of the existence of another man who actually was my other genetic parent.
Half of my origin was completely unknown to me. Did I have grand-parents, aunts, uncles, cousins or other siblings? Did they even knew of MY exitence! My mother also sternly made it clear that she would not assist me in any way in finding or meeting my father. Nearly 15 years would pass before I finally did.
After my father’s death I wore his clothes until I eventually grew out of them; his underwear, socks, shoes – everything. I still have some articles of his clothing and to this day, 34 years after his death, I continue to use only the cologne my father wore – Aramis. Unaware of how profoundly I had been affected by my father’s death, I set about not simply to be like him, but to actually BECOME him. I studied the biological sciences, not because I particularly liked it, I was inexorably drawn to it because that’s what he had studied. My first marriage was identical to his – to a divorced woman with a young child.
I’m still trying to heal from this crushing experience.
This is definitely what happened to me after my father’s death. I as a young teen felt really numb about it all and kind of uncomfortable with others’ expectations of how I should be grieving his loss. The reality that he was never coming back didn’t set until a year later . By then,among friends, family, and teachers the general consensus was that I should have been over it by then, even though the mourning had really just begun. As a result, I isolated myself for a long time and I still have difficulty sharing any sort of emotion with anyone. I have begun to work through this all pretty recently. I’m so glad to find this website; it has been such a comfort to find others who understand.
Miles & Jo –Both of your stories touched me. I firmly believe that telling your story is an essential part of healing. When time passes it’s harder to do for all the reasons you mention. The story telling can be in conversation or in writing. That’s one of the reasons for Hello Grief. Join the “facebook-like” section where there are forums and groups you can join to share your story and listen/read the stories of others. –Take care and continue the healing path you are on.
My mother committed suicide when I was three. She left behind my father and my two sisters. We were 18 months, three (myself), and five. I am now 31 and still grieve daily a mother I do not know nor can remember…Without someone telling me “this is your mother” and showing me pictures – I would not know who she was…but grieve for her every day, I do.
Someone once said, “Any child old enough to love is old enough to grieve.” Very few people “get” that. Love is the connection and love is the bridge. It’s OK to grieve every day. It hurts, but it’s also a sign of love that you have carried in your heart all these years. I wish you well.
I lost my dad 2 years ago on the 16th November. I was 23 and 6 months pregnant with my second child. My dad was only 50, he had just had a heart bypass to better his life, then he was diagnosed with cancer and died 5 weeks later. I became the rock of the family and stepped up to ‘sort’ everything out. In a way mine and my mum’s roles were reversed and I became her parent. My mum is finally starting to come out of her shell again but, unexpectedly, I have started getting upset at every little thing, crying every night. I miss my dad so much, we were very close. The longer the time passes, the more I miss him. I hate the thought of life moving on without him. Everyday I see my kids grow up and I just think about what their grandad is missing out on. It’s breaking my heart. I thought it would get easier with time. I don’t want to talk to my family about it because they seem to be doing really well and finally moving on. Also I’ve found that 2 years down the line, ‘society’ seems to have this pre-conceived idea that you should be over it by now.
My mother died 2 and a half years ago of cancer. It was a shock diagnosis and she lived for 8 months. In that time she left my dad, moved out of the family home and in with another man. I still lived with my parents at the time and although we have a big family I knew about my parents marital issues and was always being involved by my parents.
I cared for my mum when she became ill which along with the marital issues and mum’s eventual death was a very difficult time.
Its now two years on and I had thought I was doing ok. I spent 6 months in Cambodia at the end of last year to take myself away from everything here and have a focus. I have been back for a while, have a good job, great friends and a wonderful boyfriend but I keep finding myself feeling very low and alone.
My dad has a new partner and I find it very difficult to spend time with both of them.
My mum was a wonderful person and an incredible inspiration and her actions in the last period of her life were really out of character. I sometimes find it very difficult to think about the amazing times with her and get myself insecure that I will repeat her mistakes.
I miss her terribly and am so sad she wont be around to see my wedding day or her grandchildren.
I am scared to talk to my family about how I feel and I don’t want to upset them by brining up awkward issues and my friends have busy lives and often say they don’t know what to say. I think they expect me to have dealt with everything and get on with my life. I sleep really badly and often see things at night and have vivid dreams.
I did go to counselling when mum became ill and for a while after she died but I got angry with the counsellor who I felt had lost interest in my situation.
I know that no-one has any warning of when grief will strike and how, but it really is a lonely thing.
I can relate so much to what so many of you are saying. My beautiful mother died nearly 2 years ago and was very ill for 12 months before she died. I felt I had to be strong for my parents and also for my partner,who missed the happy person I had been. When mum died, I had so many things to take care of, I never had a minute to myself. Now I am trying to go ahead without her and after 2 years, I seem to have stalled and the grief is still awful. I can’t talk to my partner, as he feels I should have moved on by now. My mother and I had such an incredible relationship and I just don’t know how to get myself back together…..
On the grief journey we often “stall” or get “stuck” and that’s hard because it simply hurts so bad. Maybe it would help your partner to read “When Did Grief Get an Expiration Date” that’s on this site. If not, join the “facebook” like section of Hello Grief and talk with others there who do “get it.” See if there’s a bereavement group in your area -hospice groups often run them.–Getting stalled is not unusual.Be gentle with yourself and give yourself permission to be so very sad then take some small action like one of those above.
My Dad died, at age 45, when I was 17 (I’m 34 now). He was diabetic and had ongoing problems but none of this was ever made a big deal of. He went in for a triple heart bypass (which was not successful and died a few weeks later). My parents both protected me from what was going on. They intentions were good but I really hadn’t considered that he might actually die. I didn’t even know about the many complications with diabetes.
When dad died I really felt like the carpet had been pulled from under me. (I was very much a daddy’s girl growing up) but I was also a very sensible and mature teenager and just felt I had to be strong for my mum. I definitely grew up in a household where no matter what “life goes on” and in retrospect we all and to pretend everything was fine and get on with life in general. Of course, my teenage friends didn’t know how to deal with death and left me very much alone. It happened over the summer out of term time and before going to college. I don’t remember much about this time other than I remember feeling like I was NEVER going to get over it and being scared that I was going to cry everyday and feel sick every day.
But I went off to college and indeed college abroad and I never spoke about it to my family again. I find it immensely hard to talk about my dad to my mum, even in passing, when sharing happy memories about the past. In fact, I have probably only said the word “dad” out loud a handful of times in front of my mum.
It didn’t really seem a problem. I really didn’t think grief – or any form of delayed grief – was a problem.
Until this year, when I found myself in yet another self-esteem destroying relationship and having my heart broken again. I have spent a year unable to get over someone who treated me awfully. Even though I accept that this man was terrible and cruel to me and that I am better off without him, he ran off and left me. Cut all contact dead without any real explanation. Just leaving me with a lot of questions and the slow realisation of all his lies, manipulation and cheating. But I have spent the last year working with a therapist trying to deal with my self esteem issues and trying to deal with the deep depression the end of this relationship has caused. Why even though my intellect knows that I am better off without him, emotional side is still attached and stuck.
It’s only tonight while reading the post, I am starting to see that the finality of his departure- that he cut all contact and I am left alone without him – is why I am not moving on and keep getting stuck in a cycle of grief.
And why I have often struggled to end damaging and unhappy relationships.
I always thought it was because I was too scared too be on my own. Now I don’t think that’s really the main issue.
I think its the fear of grief and not knowing how to deal with it. I always dismissed any idea that my problems were anything to do with my dad dying because I *on the surface* dealt with it so well.
I hope I might have made a breakthrough tonight…
Linzie, I’m pleased you visited this post. Sometime things just fall into place. When life experiences keep repeating in a similar fashion and with similar feelings it often means we are caught in a “game” of some sort. As you say, “stuck in the cycle of grief”. Since you were only 17 when your dad died and although you handled it “so well on the surface” you were a “victim” of the loss. In these relationships you are again “victim”. I think you may have found something to explore with your therapist. There’s always “hope for a breakthrough” and you are doing the right thing. Rather than moving away from the pain you are moving towards it which is the healthy thing to do and you are being strong in doing so. My thoughts are with you! -Bill
Momma died from cancer April 23, 1979. At times it feels like just yesterday, but I can no longer see her face or hear her voice. Maybe it is more fresh right now because our oldest daughter, her namesake is getting married in a few months and moving away.
Another special event Momma will never enjoy with us. There have been so many, like my graduation from high school two weeks after she died or my wedding or the birth of our daughters . . . The list goes on and on.
Such a long journey and so many special milestones not shared. Yes, your daughter getting married and another milestone missed by your mom. Her moving away is another type of loss even though you are happy for her. No wonder the feelings are “fresh” for you. — Have you ever tried writing you mom a long letter telling her about your life -joys and sorrows? You might also write a letter back from her to you in response. It’ obvious she is still with you in spirit because the feelings are there. — Thanks for sharing and may you have more joy than sadness and more blessings than regrets in life.
My husband of 34 years died 3 years ago after a 5-year illness. At the time of his death I questioned how I was dealing with it. I never cried (shed tears but never cried). I loved my husband dearly but it was like I was in a vacuum. After his death I became seriously ill and was rushed to the hospital several times before I finally underwent surgery to have a good portion of my colon removed. My doctor said that the blood supply was being cut off to my colon causing it to begin to die. The doctor never could give me a reason for it other than it was possibly stress related.
A year after my recovery, my beloved basset hound died and I was surprised that my grief over his loss appeared to be greater than that experienced for the loss of my husband. (Again, I cried but did not weep).
A year later I met a man that charmed me as I had never been charmed before. Suddenly the world went from black and white to glorious color. I dated this man for a year and a half only to have him reject me for another. My reaction to this unrequited love is the most pain I have ever experienced. I find that I cannot go through my normal activities without constantly embarrassing myself by uncontrollable weeping. I cannot understand why my reaction is so extreme because I have made many concessions in this relationship that are not healthy or compatible to my nature. I factored in the rejection and the hit to my ego and yet I was still confused at my extreme saddened state.
I have begun to realize that this unrequited love is but a catalyst to the barrier of delayed grief. I now have been crying for months(and it has never been my nature to cry much over anything). I believe the pain of my losses had built up so much that it was only time before I either, once again, paid the price for the pent up grief health wise, or the floodgates had to be opened.
I now look at this breakup as possibly the healthiest thing that could happen to me. I don’t know why I wouldn’t allow myself to grieve before, but I believe the severity of my suffering is based on the degree of my losses. As much as it hurts, I feel I am unwrapping my heart so it can finally heal.
I lost My Mom a little over two years ago to Cancer. I was her caretaker, and she my best friend. Since her death, Life has changed in everyway. The support network, of friends and family has completely dissolved. I graduated from college, started a new career, and married. I have never felt more alone. All of the days that should be thrilling, and wonderful have lost their luster. The family has broken up. My Husband is supportive but I cannot lean on him alone. I still cry everyday missing my Mother. I have much anger towards Family whom I feel did not embrace my Mom in her final days. I cannot let go of that pain. When should healing begin? Is this normal?
Almost 14 years ago, my childhood sweatheart and good friend committed suicide while stationed in Japan while serving in the Marines. At the time of his death, I was caught up in an emotionally abusive relationship and had my own horrible issues to deal with. When he died, I went to the viewing but for some reason could not go to the funeral. I was only 22 then, and proceeded to spend the next 5-6 years in a drunken haze, never FEELING anything. I got married and had 2 children, but always had my James in the back of my mind- but never really cried over it. Well, one night almost 9 years after his death, I was watching the Sopranos of all shows and one of the characters hung himself. This was what my dear friend did, and all of a sudden I couldn’t move, couldn’t breathe, and cried tears of pain and sorrow. I literally have spent the last 5 years in a torrent of grief and regret. up until that night, I had never visited his grave (I pretended that he was just away on duty, he wasn’t dead). Now, I go to his grave all the time, and beg for his forgiveness. I want him to know how sorry I am, and how much I love him and he means to me… I cry every day, and feel so horribly guilty for not going to his funeral, it literally kills me. I just don’t understand why I did that, and why then it wasn’t that upsetting to me… Now, 14 years later I can barely breathe when I think of him. WTF is wrong with me, and will it ever be ok again????
I agree with you on delayed grief…I lost my brother to a tragic car accident when I was 19 and he was 24, and I was left the sole survivor.I was brought up close to my family, raised Roman Catholic, and Italian. I managed to be strong and help my parents, and they helped me in return and also my grandparents across the street from me.My grandfather passed away a couple years back, and now we are caring for my grandmother who suffers from dementia. I am also a gay male who suffers from clinical depression, but the pain of losing my brother still haunts me, and I understand the dark part…where I feel I am left in a dark world. You see life differently and it is hard to relate to others on a superficial level. I managed to work and get a university degree. My parents were hard working, and this tragedy struck at the very core of our souls. I did suffer from alcohol addiction because I had to repress alot of my feelings and be strong for my parents and carry on..so it does creep up to you…you somehow manage to survive,and live and try, and be with good and better people who you can trust, but its hard in this world.
I understand your feelings Jason. I lost my younger brother 2 years ago. He was 26 years old. His death was caused by a mixture of drug addiction, mental illness, cancer and plain misfortune as the ambulance he called went to the wrong address at 4am in the morning. I have listened to his call and his last words. I could hear the fear in his voice.
For me I had great, and still have, great issues of guilt. I live and work overseas and when he died I flew back that day it happened. I couldn’t understand why I hadn’t visited him. I predicted his death due to his drug used whilst undergoing chemotherapy. I was so cold about it but I hated what he had become and how he treated my parents.
While we were almost twins as children and inseparable as teens we grew apart when my father lost our home and his business. I moved out, got a degree and got on with my life. My brother got stuck into the wrong crowd and started using. He never graduated and slipped away. I did abandon him, although you know, I know he would never blame me.
For me while life goes on and I have learned to live with it. His death is like a scar or an unhealed wound – part of me has died with him or maybe something switched off inside me. My childhood died that day because he was my childhood, that sweet, fresh and silly childish trust and total innocence of the realities of life and its end passed with him.
I do not believe in a God or higher power and accept that I will never see him again. This hurts terribly and the grief still washes over me only on lonely nights in waves of bitter melancholy to the point I feel almost self indulgent and self pitiful.
Ultimately I want his all to short a life and death to have meaning for me and how I live the rest of my life. However, I have failed these last 2 years to live up to this maxim. I must reconcile with my dead brother’s memory and give his 26 years a meaning and a purpose. At times this a bitter legacy but take from it what you will. Live your life not in the fear of death, an unknown, but in the amazement that you are here. Life is short, live it well because only memories will remain. Peace
I am a gay male, and I lost my partner of 13 years last year. He was a loving man who suffered from depression and anxiety, and turned to alcohol. His doctor prescribed anti-anxiety meds, which he over used. He hid the extent of his drinking from me for years, drinking at work and at night when I slept. I knew he needed help, but thought we had time. He got sick suddenly last year and went into the hospital ..turns out he had advanced liver failure. Within two months he was gone. I never knew liver failure could take your so quickly. He had been suffering in silence, trying to go on, all the while being so sick. I feel such guilt, could I have done more? Why didn’t I know how sick he was? Now 15 months later I am emotionally numb. I can only do the things that must be done…eat, work. I am trying to hold on, keep on going day by day, but I feel like a robot, mechanically going through the motions of life with no emotion.
Neil, I understand your feelings of guilt and regret. I lost my partner of 11 years to pancreatic cancer 10 years ago and even now I am still working through the overwhelming feelings of “could have I done more”. Dan and I had a complicated relationship and we were apart when he began showing symptoms that he ignored until it was too late. Had I been there, could I have made a difference? I don’t know. I still cry, still feel the void he left, and still feel guilt over the things I had said and done that hurt Dan and I can never take back and do over. You will make it. Life does not return to the way it was but a new normal will take its place that you can live in. Do not hesitate to cry, to reach out to others who will listen to you. Even speaking with your partner and writing to him can help. I believe that, wherever he is, Dan has heard me and it gives me greater peace and comfort. I support you in this difficult journey, Neil.
The love of my life died of a heart attack out of the blue 17 months ago in June 2010. I am lost and desperate without him. I had known him – and loved him – since 2004 but I lived in the UK, he lived in India. and I was seeing someone else who – tho I didn’t love him, I was comfortable with him and he made me laugh although the relationship was not emotionally fulfilling. Also the person I was seeing in UK put a big emotional weight on me: his marriage had broken up and his wife didn’t let him see his two children and he would always say to me that I was his life; what would he do without me; he would be nothing without me etc. I felt very responsible for his happiness. Very very responsible. I was too cowardly to tell him I had fallen in love with someone else. Joel was English and led treks in the Himalaya. I loved him I loved him I loved him. For five years we spoke and emailed and SMSd every day and spent 2 months of the year together. I felt so alive with him but didn’t have the courage to have the awkward conversation with UK boyfriend to end that relationship to move to be with Joel. Now Joel is dead. And my pain is unbearable, physical, unbearable. I want to die to end this pain. Everything is hopeless. I want him, I want him, I want him back. He was my point in life, my joy and I am bereft without him, tortured with regret, why didn’t I grab life to be with him? So what if Jim was hurt; it happens every day and he would have survived the hurt. Why couldn’t I do that.We broke up after Joel died. All I can think about is Joel and 17 months on I am still tormented, depressed, suicidal sometimes – though I wouldn’t do it because of what it would do to my father. I don’t know what to do to not feel as I do. Joel’s death made me realise HOW deeply I loved him. How all the things I worried about – money for example, he made zero on his treks and was 56 with no savings and no state pension – were just details. The important thing was the love; he was the breath in my body I now know. I hate life without him. I don’t want this life I have. I can’t imagine being Ok again, feeling happy. I am in such pain, I am in such a dark place. Please help me.
You need someone or someones to share your story and your grief with. Everyone’s story and everyone’s grief is different. Saying it out loud as you have done in this post is part of he healing path. It may be a support group of grieving women/men or a professional grief counselor. It will hurt, you will hurt and there’s no magic, however, strange as it may sound it is in moving towards our pain that we heal. You will find that the intensity differs with each person, but that similar feelings are the same -guilt, anger, love, loneliness, despair, regret… That’s where the connection is. Don’t hesitate to change groups or counselor if they don’t meet your need. — You have learned two great lessons that you will learn to recognize as gifts to your spirit. The first is that people are responsible for their own happiness, you are not, except for your own. We can contribute, but we are not responsible.The second is that you had a deeply satisfying and loving relationship that nourished you and, as you revisit it, it will continue to nourish you in the midst of such pain. I will also say that through Joel you found in yourself a capacity to love another person deeply. It is very unlikely that you will duplicate Joel as each experience and person is unique so don’t try. Since you know you have this capacity to love there can be, after a time of healing, someone that you can share that gift with and they can return it. Two other things I believe: Joel would want such happiness for you because he loved/loves you and you you must forgive yourself for not making the decisions you feel you should have made. We all make mistakes and regret doing or not doing something. It’s a painful lesson, but a lesson you need not repeat. — As you can tell, I find solace in poetry and it’s not for everyone, I know. In addition to this post and other articles there is the social network side of Hello Grief you can join and that can be healing too as you and others share. I’ll revisit this post I started with the article if you choose to respond. — I wish you well on your journey.
I lost my dear lovely mum to dementia over three years, my dad and i cared for her at home until the end, in 2008. I had a baby just before mum was diagnosed it was so so hard and i miss her so much,being an only child makes you feel so small, then in 2009 one month to mums year anniversary i lost my fantastic dad to a sudden heart attack, i still can not find who i was or who i am and i feel so so cheated, i think my husband and i have gone awol and it all scares me so much i feel like the only person alive sometimes….not sure if that makes sense to anyone? however selfish do i sound?? So sorry for all who have gone through loss, it sure feels like a lonely existence yet i have two beautiful children and a husband who i was so so in love with, i think i am destroying it all but i dont know what to do, i feel so guilty, for being so sad.
I just wanted to first of all say thankyou and then to mention divorce. It seems sometimes that divorce may not appear to be as bad as death and I know I read when someone said that it was an insult to say divorce is as bad but then two people on the site i was reading on said, no they had been through both divorce and death and divorce is terribly painful because the memories and betrayal are so hard. So for us all I express deep compassion. I know for me, to lose my parents and also now lose my husband to another person after 26 years feels like a death. I didn’t want to go on a divorce site because it is the grief I am dealing with.
My brother died suddenly 6 years ago and left behind his young daughter of 8 yrs. At the time she grieved, however, she is now 14yrs and now she is revisiting her grief with everything that comes with being a teenager. Any hints or tips to help support her through this time would be greatly appreciated.
My sister died almost 20 yrs. ago She was 29. I am 53–she would have been 48 had she lived. She died in Billings, Montana in a hotel room. She was a singer in a band. She drank alot. Her husband was the keyboardist & he was having an affair with one of the other girl singers. My sister discovered this & started to drink more. One night after the gig, she decided to go party with the drummer & his girlfriend–her best friends. She stayed up late & finally went to bed around 4am. She never woke up. She died from alcohol poisoning. I got the call she had died & I was 8 mos. pregnant with our only child. Because I was in strong maternal/protect mode, I never allowed myself to really grieve. If I had done so, I would have really lost it. Instead, I moved ahead & raised our son. He is now 19 & my job is all but completed. I find myself now, depressed & sad. I am in menopause which doesn’t help. I have never spoken to my brother-in-law, the one who cheated on my sister. He never offered an apology or explanation. Recently, I have found him on Facebook & we are meeting next Sat. for the 1st time since the funeral. I have so many questions. I want my mom to have some closure & me too. Now, I am faced with delayed grief & the waves of pain come every day. I desire healing for all concerned. Any thoughts?
Hi i lost my angel baby Jesse and my mum within 6 months of each other in 2000. i have struggled alot of the years to come to terms with losing them. but 11 years on i have decided to see a berevement councillor. it has got to the stage where i am so scared and sad all the time and just want help, today after 13 weeks of therapy i got to the stage of sobbing uncontolably because im so sad and the grief has really hit me. i love and miss my mum so much as for my angel i can only imagine what her life would be like. i have a happy beautiful 9 year old girl and i really want to find some peace to enjoy my mine and her life for the present and future x I also lost my brother in law aged 20 6 years ago, and my sister is very ill at mo which has brough alot of emotional feelings from caring for my mum.
Wow, the last few letters are about very long-delayed grief and so is this one. My heart goes out to all of you, but especially Sherry, we are the same age and dealing with the same time period. I lost my precious son Andrew to SIDS in 1991, 6 months old. Thought I’d dealt with it then. I was the strong Dad. We went through group therapy and counseling, had another baby, have now raised both the surviving children to adulthood, they’re kids that we’re proud of, both have a lot of heart and love in them… and we are now finally dealing with a marriage that the light and fun went out of years ago. I think we took solace that we just held it together a long time despite the SIDS death (not easy to do). But now I think the marriage counseling is opening up my heart, stripping away scabs, I have for the past couple months started to feel uch mmore emotional. Then I found some pictures of the burial and realized it’s coming up on 21 years after Andrew’s death — WOW. I’ve hardly ever cried for 2 decades (though sappy movies where dads love their kids make me tear up), have even had the death anniversary pass without thinking about it several times, but now it’s really coming back. I think I may be grieving both our marriage and Andrew again too. It’s really taken me by surprise how strongly I’m feeling it this year, it actually feels good to cry, like I am somehow coming alive again. God is exposing my heart somehow and I’m not really sure how, or why, or where this is going. But holy cow, after all these years, so unexpected. Thanks for having this site here, I just google’d “delayed grief” and boom here you were.
It will be three months since my Dad died. It was very fast when it happened and was almost a relief that he didn’t suffer too awfully long. I took care of business have managed his accounts, struggled through possessions and family dynamics, found homes for two dogs, have gotten a renter for his home that he left to us, and now I am feeling the pain in my heart and chest and in middle of the night sadness and awakening. I have relived a lot of the moments and tried to put them in perspective but all of this has put my own and my husband’s mortality on the horizon. What I once thought of as exciting the idea of early (59) retirement now seems frightening and lonely. What will we do? How long do we have? A sense of panic has risen up in me along with this grief. I honestly didn’t expect this. I will take advantage of the grief counseling at the hospice center where Dad died. I have appreciated the thoughts here so different and so similar to mine. I too googled grief after several months. Thanks for being here. Pam
As a grief therapist myself, it’s wonderful to see some useful tips on how others can find their way. I often see clients dealing with delayed grief and giving them permission to mourn is so helpful in healing.
Love your site!