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By guest writer, Sean Malone
Last weekend I went to my friend Josh’s house to watch the NCAA basketball tournament. He invited a lot of people over to watch the game, so naturally there were people there I had never met. We all introduced ourselves, tore open the bags of chips, and got comfortable on the couch. As the first game got under way, I began talking to a few guys I had just met. In the nature of getting to know each other, they asked me about where I had grown up, what school I had gone to, and how I knew Josh.
And then it happened…
This always seems to happen when I meet someone new… They eventually ask the question, “Do you have any brothers or sisters?”
I found myself scrambling and thinking to myself… Do I really want to get into the story of my brother’s death? Will these new people, who I’ve just met, be able to handle hearing about it? Will I be able to handle telling it for the thousandth time? We are here to watch basketball, is this really the appropriate time to talk about this?…
It has been almost 13 years since my brother died and I still do not know how to answer that question. I don’t know if I will ever have an answer to that question.
My brother Tim passed away in 1997 at the age of 9. We grew up in a small town and his death was very public. Everyone tried to console my parents and I the best they could, they all wanted to help any way possible.
Many people tried to give advice, or ask me if I wanted to talk about how I was feeling. The truth was, I found myself not wanting to discuss him or how I was feeling at all. It hurt so much that I numbed myself. The last thing in the world I wanted to do was to talk to a complete stranger about Tim and how he died.
In the years right after Tim’s death, when I met somebody new, it seemed easier not mention that I had a brother. By not mentioning him I didn’t have to talk about him, I didn’t have to explain, and I didn’t have to relive the loss.
But, every time I had an opportunity to talk or tell someone about Tim and I didn’t take it, a horrible feeling swept over me. It felt like I was denying his existence. I kept imagining how sad and disappointed he would be with me for not telling others about him. And by not talking about him, I felt like I was forgetting him more and more.
I finally reached a point where I couldn’t take it any longer, so I tried a new approach. For a few years, each time someone asked me if I had any brothers or sisters, I would say that I did have a brother, but I would try to give as few details as possible. I wouldn’t mention that he died.
Every once in a while, I would tell someone what actually happened to Tim, and this always led to very awkward moments. Almost everyone had the same response; they felt awkward and wanted to change the subject right away. This made me feel so isolated and alone. I was stuck in an awful position; there was no right answer that I could give. Talking about Tim or not, I felt terrible.
As the years passed, I slowly began to process the loss of my brother, and started to make my way down my grief journey. It took me years, but I am now much more comfortable talking about my brother and my feelings surrounding him and his death.
Yet, the truth is, every time someone asks me if I have any brothers or sisters, no matter how much I try to anticipate or prepare for it, it still catches me off guard.
This last weekend at Josh’s house was no different; I needed a few moments to decide what I was going to say to this group of people that I had just met. I ended up telling them that my younger brother had passed away, but I still remember watching the NCAA tournament with him and routing for the UConn Huskies. And truthfully, that was what I was thinking about at that very moment. I’ve learned that I can usually find a positive memory to share when someone asks me about my brother.
At this stage in my life, I am comfortable discussing death and loss and do not have a problem telling others that my brother passed away. However, I realize that not everyone is quite as comfortable talking about death as I am. Still, I’ve decided not to let that stop me from sharing Tim, and my memories of him.
26 Comments:
What a great way of expressing what we all struggle with….how to answer a question that strangers don’t realize they are asking. Thanks for honestly sharing how strange that situation is every time. Not sure any of us will ever get truly comfortable with answering questions like these, but it’s cool to know I’m not the only one who wrestles with the “do I or don’t I” of it all.
Thanks for this story! I always struggle with how to answer this question. Comforting to hear other people do, too.
If nothing else, it is comforting to know that others have trouble with situations like this. Thank you for sharing your ideas.
This article brought tears to my eyes, and even though I lost my dad and not a sibling, I deal with a lot of the same things. Those little questions like “oh where is your dad? What does he do?” make it hard. We all have to deal with those questions, and even years later, its hard. I’m glad you’re dealing with your grief, and working for CZC.
Wonderful article. Questions like that have arose about my uncle and my twin brother who did not make it to term. Sharing of positive memories of your brother is a great way I think to make others feel comfortable, great article Sean!
Thank you for this article.
Having just lost my dear brother to suicide, I’ve grappled with the significant loss of a sibling and best friend. When someone learns of his loss and asks “was he ill” or “was it sudden” I respond that he committed suicide–an uncomfortable response for others in our society, but important to convey.
Working with a gifted counselor, who recognizes the significance of sibling loss, I’m working through my grief with her excellent help.
Thank you for sharing your experience, and how to move on from the painful explanation of his loss to the gift of his life.
The answer to that dreaded question? Be honest and be proud you have an opportunity to say-yes, I have been blessed to have a wonderful sibling, parent, child and my memories are cherished even through he/she is no longer with me. There is an amazing piece of poetry, written by I know not whom, but a wonderful description of action and reaction following the loss of a loved one. I will post it on the main wall for all to read, think about, and perhaps help in putting thoughts together. I carry it with me and now 6 years after the death of my 27 yo son from cancer, I continue to read it. Now I am able to smile. I wish for all of you the same in your journey!
My sister died 44 years ago when I was eight, and I still face this dilema when asked about my siblings and I still feel guilty when I don’t mention her. Wow.
Here’s what I’ve learned to say, “Yes, I come from a family with five siblings – our youngest brother was killed in an industrial accident several years ago.” I’ve found it’s best to give as much information in one sentence to limit further questions. That’s worked best for me.
But some people will want more information (either through compassion or curiosity). So I’ve developed one more sentence to say when necessary. “My brother was an iron worker who fell to his death along with 4 other men.”
Beyond that, I still can barely speak of his death even after all these years. I miss you David!
well done Sean…… perhaps tell folks about the TJM Canoe race that take place every summer in memory of Tim. One of my favorite most memorable days of the year.
The answer to that dreaded question? Be honest and be proud you have an opportunity to say-yes, I have been blessed to have a wonderful sibling, parent, child and my memories are cherished even through he/she is no longer with me. There is an amazing piece of poetry, written by I know not whom, but a wonderful description of action and reaction following the loss of a loved one. I will post it on the main wall for all to read, think about, and perhaps help in putting thoughts together. I carry it with me and now 6 years after the death of my 27 yo son from cancer, I continue to read it. Now I am able to smile. I wish for all of you the same in your journey!
I recently lost my older brother to suicide, and I’d like to thank you for this article. It’s comforting to know that others deal with the same inner conflict, and the same awkwardness that follows the snap decision to tell the truth. I say that it’s a comfort because you are right: until this site, I felt isolated and alone, because I was sharing my grief with people who had never experienced it, and didn’t know how to react (which isn’t really their fault). So once again, thank you for this article.
Thank you Sean!!!!!!!!!!!!! I needed this.
I nodded along with everything you wrote. I have had a similar dilemma when someone asks my son or I if he is an only child. I know it will get more complicated as he gets older. Our situation is different because his brother died before he was born, but he sees pictures and knows about him so it will be interesting.
Just wanted to let you know that a lot of people share your thoughts, and you expressed EXACTLY what so many of us have felt. Thank you.
hi Sean , my name is Mariel salazar i`m a friend of Paola, from Mexico and i lost my father 2 years ago, paola just send me this article you wrote and i like it very much because is exactley how i feel when people ask about my parents, dont know exactly how to escape the awkward moment that inevitably occur..
I think it takes a lot of courage to do what you do here, helping others, ant telling your story.
Tks and hope to meet you soon…
Hi I am glad I read that, so maybe I can understand how my children feel about recently losing their brother. I was told by someone when asked how many children I have to say, I have 7, 6 here and one in heaven…..it is hard to say, it is hard to deal with but we want to keep his spirit alive…
Having recently lost my son to a freak accident I often wonder how I will answer this very question. Thank you for the suggestions that were given and I am grateful to have found this site hoping to learn as I go through this new part of my life.
Hi Sean. Thank you so much for such poingant and important message. I lost my oldest son 8 years ago when he was 11 and my younget was 5. I have grappled with that question so many times over the years and have always acknowledged my 2 boys – and then dealt with the awkwardness that follows. My youngest son has attended CZC for several years and I sing their praises for saving him from his overwhelming grief as he got older and was trying to process his grief at different stages of maturity. Your article was a hugh “light bulb” moment for me understanding that he deals with the same ongoing question as I do. I am printing your article and will have this conversation with him tonight. Thank you again for talking about such an important topic!
I really liked reading this and others comments. My brother died almost 3 years and when I am asked how many siblings I give a response depending on who the person is. If it is someone who is just making small talk then I say 2-a brother and sister. If it is someone who I am becoming friends with then I will tell the whole truth that I have a sister and my brother died.
I have to say that this resonates with me as well. I lost my sister over 30 yrs ago, and it is still something that I struggle with. My sister was in an accident that is hard to hear as well as hard to tell and meeting someone new I almost instinctively say no I’m an only child… It’s almost for their sake more than my own, because they don’t know what they are asking. I also share with them as we get to know each other.
THANK-YOU for writing this. Glad I’m not alone with this question. Coming up on almost five years since my sisters been gone and I still don’t know how to answer it.
My dad had a sister that died in a car crash (my aunt). I know how you feel, but the best thing to do is acknowledge him talk about him in a positive way. People will seldom ask about details of how and why did he die so keep it simple. “yes I have a brother but he passed away a couple years ago” mention something like you did when watching the game and change topics. The more you do it, the more comfortable you will feel about it
Wow. My brother was murdered 11 years ago and I have never felt I could find anyone to connect to about his death, even though I have another brother (he hid his pain). This question is one I will always dread. It makes me cry to finally find others who know what I’m feeling. Thanks.
It has been a while since I last checked in, but I thank you all for your comments and suggestions. Best of luck to each of you in your journeys
After 34 years, I still get caught off guard by that question. Thanks for sharing…
Thanks for this, I’m always caught of guard by this question. I guess it’s just one of those that you’ll never have a real answer to.