However, you may have had a much different take on New Year’s. It could have been hard to conjure up energy and joy about the approaching year. It was probably hurtful at times when the media and others encouraged you to have a HAPPY New Year. Your questions could have been (and may still be); what do I have to be happy about, how can I possibly look forward to a new year without the physical presence of my loved one, or what makes anyone think I have the extra energy to resolve to stop a bad habit or initiate a new more positive behavior?

Considering the emotional ups and downs that are a natural part of the grief process, you may have had a few experiences of happiness in January. Perhaps you had a moment when you looked forward to feeling better in the new year. Maybe you saw and felt another person’s joy about their possibilities in the new year and truly felt glad for them.

It could be, as this first month of the new year ends, you have chosen not to recognize the significance or possibilities for YOU in a “new year”. Even if you haven’t consciously decided to avoid the concept of a new year I invite you to stay with me here for what comes next.

Your loved one has died, your heart feels broken, your grief process is overwhelming, you struggle daily with the draining emotion of sadness, and you don’t necessarily feel hopeful about your future. However, you are alive and you do have a future. Do you believe your future life can be better than you have ever imagined? I believe it can.

The passage of time will always bring about a new year. As a griever you do face a new year without your loved one but you can approach it positively by taking gifts from your loved one with you. Your loved one taught you many things, gave you treasured items, instilled within you important morals and ethics, genetically provided you with physical attributes, opened your mind to new and broad ideas and etc.

Make a list of the gifts your loved one has left with you. I suggest you write this list by hand and not use a computer. It is impossible to have anything “wrong” on your list. Your gifts may include things like: 1. beautiful red curling hair, 2. the ability to speak fluent Spanish, 3. the attitude of always seeing the glass half-full, 4. the opportunity to attend college, 5. bright blue eyes, 6. the habit of exercising, 7. the special recipes created, 8. the stamp collection that is so unique and beautiful, 9. the idea of practicing random acts of kindness and 10. etc.

You are singularly unique and your list of gifts will be unique as well. Your relationship with your loved one was important and they have influenced you physically, emotionally, spiritually and mentally. These are their permanent gifts for you.

After you have made your list of these loving gifts I invite you to get creative. Match each gift with something you can look at and experience. This “something” will become the symbol for the gift. For instance, if your gift is red curling hair you might cut off a small curl or get a piece of red ribbon that matches the red of your hair or get a pretty red bead or button from a craft shop. For the glass half-full — pick out an elegant glass. Use a thank-you card to represent the opportunity you have to attend college/trade school.

You could get a different bead or individual small candle for each gift. Engage the healing power of your creative self now. It is so important to your healing. However you match your gift with its symbol need only have meaning for you. Your choices don’t have to be logical or understood by anyone else. The length of time you take to accomplish all of this will be perfect timing.

Once you have your list and have matched the gifts with their symbols place them on a dresser, table or window sill. Have them in a place you pass by frequently. As you pass by the symbols you have chosen, pause for a moment and recognize their value. Express gratitude for the gifts left for you, know your loved one will live on as you embrace and personalize your gifts and take them with you into the new year. This should help you feel stronger as you face your new year while grieving.

I wish you a new year filled with as many happy times as possible.

PS – You know, of course, that for a griever a “new year” can begin at many places in the calendar — your loved ones birthday or day of death, your birthday or the beginning of summer and etc. At anytime you feel hopeless or especially sad missing your loved one, remember their gifts and then the good parts of your loved one will live on within you and give you peace.

Tricia Sample is a masters prepared artist and registered art therapist who worked in hospice for over 12 years. Her hospice patients, families, and coworkers were the inspiration for her Loving Farewells grief support programs.

Photo Credit.

Related posts:

1. The Best Gift You Can Give
2. The Valentine’s Challenge

It’s important to remember we are not the only ones who have lived through and survived such a horrific loss. We have many suicide loss survivors who have gone before us and they have blazed a trail of survivorship and healing for us. So, with that in mind, we take a look at some ways to get grounded during grief:

1.  Don’t isolate. Isolating magnifies our sense of pain. This does not mean putting yourself with anybody you can find. A sense of discernment is required, which can be challenging. We need to put ourselves in the presence of people who care and understand, and who aren’t going to try to rewrite history for us or tell us how we are supposed to be feeling.

2.  Ask for help. Millions of people have lost loved ones to suicide. And while this is sad and unfortunate, it also tells us that many have survived such a loss. While it isn’t easy, it is most certainly much harder to get through suicide loss alone. Asking for help, and getting it, is perhaps the strongest indicator that a person will be okay. Suicide loss survivor support groups, a sudden loss bereavement therapist, and private, small therapy groups can be a huge benefit.

3.  Do only what you can do. Maybe you don’t want to go to that office Christmas party. Don’t! You are the best judge of how much you can handle. If the holidays are overwhelming you, create your own celebration at home with a close friend. During overwhelming times, less is more. Make sure to get lots of rest and sleep, eat healthy food and give yourself lots of time-outs!

4.  Watch out for the mood altering substances. After a suicide loss, it can be very tempting to overdo it with alcohol, cigarettes, food, work, shopping — any compulsive activity prevents you from feeling your feelings. The addictions are merely symptoms for what’s going on underneath: not wanting to feel the pain of the loss. This is where a therapist becomes crucial in guiding you through your grief.

5. Steer clear of the critical people. Believe it or not, there will be some people out there who will condemn your loved one for dying by suicide. As if the pain isn’t enough, you have someone in the neighborhood who thinks suicide is a sin or a crime. Please remember these people are ignorant, uneducated and foolish and they perpetuate the stigma connected with brain disorders. It is not your job during this tender time to reform them. Avoid them.

Above all, be true to yourself. And remember, suicide is the result of a chemical imbalance caused by a brain disorder. Suicide has nothing to do with what you said, didn’t say, did, or didn’t do. It’s time to start cutting yourself a break and learning to love yourself. Right now!

Catherine Greenleaf is a suicide loss survivor, and author of the highly acclaimed book, Healing The Hurt Spirit: Daily Affirmations For People Who Have Lost a Loved One to Suicide. She is a spiritual counselor and a member of the Association for Death Education and Counseling. She travels nationwide to speak to suicide loss survivors about how to persevere after suicide loss. You can read more of her work on her blog, or follow her on twitter.

Photo Credit.

Related posts:

1. When a Teen or Child Loses a Loved One to Suicide

The person who died: why didn’t they take better care of themselves? Why did they take such a stupid chance? What were they thinking?

The medical community: why didn’t the doctor force them to take better care of their health? Why didn’t the paramedics get there sooner? Why hasn’t someone discovered a cure for cancer, etc.?

God: why did you make a good person suffer? Why did you leave those children without a parent? Why them? Why now? Why not someone else? Why not me?

The family: why didn’t they make him go to the doctor? Why did they let her live alone?

Why?

Why?

Why?

Death is, after all, the great unknown. Despite stories of white lights and visions of deceased relatives, no one’s come back from any extended time in the afterlife. We don’t know what awaits us.

And we REALLY don’t know why people die when they do. We say “it was just their time,” and obviously, it was. As a friend, that sense of helplessness can create even deeper anger.

Many times when I’ve grieved I’ve been angry, although I rarely shared those feelings. Despite being one of Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’ famous stages of grief, it’s probably the least acknowledged.

Anger can be useful, but when turned inward, is more likely referred to as depression. That’s not what I’m talking about here. I’m talking about white-hot, body-shaking, screaming-at-the-top-of-your-lungs anger.

You’ve already realized that the grief you feel for your friend is being devalued because you’re not family. And that can add to the anger you already feel.

Even those who are also grieving are unlikely to accept your anger. Think of Sally Field melting down in the cemetery in Steel Magnolias, and the shock on her friends’ faces. The minister in The Big Chill – “I’m angry, and I don’t know what to do with my anger” – is much calmer about it, but the look in his eyes is anything but.

The problem with suppressing the absolutely justified anger we feel when a friend dies is that it will bubble up eventually. It will present itself suddenly and loudly and often in a completely unrelated situation. And that presents its own complications. Screaming at a barista who doesn’t know you won’t bring back your friend.

So, if you’re angry that cancer treatments and cures came too late for your friend…

If you’re angry that your friend’s family dismissed her threats of suicide…

If you’re angry that your friend drove drunk…

If you’re angry that an evil person chose your friend at random to kill…

Embrace that anger: accept it and embrace it. You’re angry because of the pain that your friend’s death has caused. That’s, dare I say it, normal. Frankly, it would be strange if you weren’t angry. You’re angry because you loved them and wanted them to stay close to you always. Selfish maybe, but normal and human.

So, as long as you don’t hurt yourself or anyone else, you have my permission to be angry. Then you can work on channeling your anger into positive action, to keep your friend’s memory alive every day of your life.

Guest author Victoria Noe created FriendGrief to discuss the idea that there are profound differences in grieving the death of a friend, as opposed to a family member.  While she writes on the loss of friends, her ideas can often apply to any individual who has suffered any type of loss.

Related posts:

1. Resilience Skills to Help Children Deal with Grief and Loss

This post is about exactly that. It’s about someone who caught me by surprise. Someone who I wouldn’t expect to be thinking about me, or caring how I was holding up. But she was.

As I have mentioned in other articles, I now live in London, and belong to an expat women’s club. The women I have met through this club have been my lifeline, both before and (especially) after losing my son last August. In a huge city like London, this women’s club has brought me a sense of community and security.

I went to our club’s monthly wine tasting event. As it’s a recurring event, I know all the women there. But not all of them are what I would consider my close friends. Tonight I sat next to the woman who organizes the event. Although I don’t know her well, I met her when I was pregnant with my son and she is aware of what happened.

“I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately,” she said with warmth and concern in her eyes. “I was wondering how your Mother’s day was?”

Wow!!!

Did she really just ask me that?  Out loud and in person???

“Not great,” I said. “It was pretty rough, but I managed my way through it.” And then I told her. I shared her about how difficult every holiday has been since losing my son. I talked about how Easter had snuck up on me, and how much it sucked to have to deal with Mother’s Day.

She listened, squeezed my hand, and told me how sorry she was for my loss.

I was so touched. I mean, I don’t see her every day, and I certainly don’t share my grief with her. But she still thought about me that day. And she thought about me enough to ask me about it that night.

I was overcome with gratitude. I thanked her for asking, as I tried desperately not to cry. I shared with her my sadness that more people don’t ask me about my loss. They are afraid to hurt my feelings, when in truth my feelings are already crushed in a million pieces and no question asked by a caring individual is going to make things any worse.

Again, she squeezed my hand and told me that she was there for me if I ever wanted to talk. It made me feel so good, and so loved… by someone I hardly know.

It reminded me that people do still care. They do still think about my loss. Even when it seems that the whole world had moved on. It hasn’t. It’s just that most people don’t want to mention it anymore. They are afraid to remind me of what I have lost. But not everyone. There are still a few people who are willing to reach out.

It was a great night. A night when I learned to appreciate the kindness of acquaintances.

So for those of you who are reading this who know someone who has suffered a loss, please don’t be afraid to let them know you are thinking about them. Even if it brings some tears, it will make their day.  I promise!

The author of Finding My New Normal blogs about her life, and her husband’s life, after the death of their son in the 36^th week of pregnancy.  Having recently moved from the US to London, she shares her journey openly, including her plans to have another child.

Related posts:

1. Sitting with Grief

Does this sound like you?

*I wouldn’t know where to start.

*I don’t like writing, it’s not something that comes naturally to me.

*I’ve tried and it was just so overwhelming, my emotions were in overdrive.

*I don’t want to be reminded of my pain every time I start writing.

*I can’t spell, I’m not good with words.

*I don’t have time, it’s hard enough trying to look after my family when I feel so sad.

If you can relate to the above, then check out my list below where I give you some easy and different ways to use a journal. It’s my no fail way for the non-writer to give it a go.

With journaling remember there are no rules, it’s your journal. You don’t even have to write, you can paint, color, glue and create. You can use one or many. If the word itself turns you off, call it a scrapbook instead. The only thing I would suggest is that you date the page.

9 Easy Ways to Get Started:

1.  Use pictures instead of words. Cull your magazines and cut out images that mean something to you right now. Glue them in or make a collage. It could be a picture that represents a feeling, it could be a picture of a place you would love to visit at some stage in the future.  It could be words you see in the newspaper. Start a file for your cuttings.

2.  Take a quote you’ve seen on Facebook, in the paper, in a book, or in a blog and write it in your journal.

3.  Make a memory of a day you spent together. Put in some pictures of special moments shared, a card you may have if it was a birthday for instance. Add a small caption, such as “I love this picture, we were at the ……….”

4.  Use two words only.  One of my fellow writers has a “Two Word Wednesday” feature – you add a comment, using 2 words only. It’s amazing how powerful those 2 little words can be.  Your words might be “Feeling Blue” or “Remembering Birthdays.”

5.  Pick a theme, such as “The meaning of their name” and write a couple of words, paste in quotes and pictures that reflect that theme.

6.  Choose a song and as you listen to it, draw out some shapes which flow with the music for you.

7.  Use color to represent what your loved one means to you. As you think of them, what color springs into your mind, try paints or pastels to put the colour onto the page of your grief journal Once dry write a special message for them.

8.  Write a quick list of 10 special memories you have.

9.  Use smiley face to give a picture to your feelings. There are so many and they say so very easily in an image what would take us ages to write. It’s a way of expressing your emotions without feeling overwhelmed by the process.

This article was first published by Esdeer. Maureen’s free inspirational guide “Opening the Door to Hope: Helping you Step through Grief” is available here:  www.esdeer.com/hope.

Related posts:

1. Find Your Rock
2. Good Grief for Valentine’s Day
3. Healing through Creativity

Marriage brought family and babies of my own. The photo albums grew and expanded as I made a career of the holidays and the memories they held. Year after year, I lined up the little ones in front of the tree–just as my mother had done before me. Each holiday celebration was an extension of former joys, other times, different places. Importance was placed on building bridges from the past into the present.

Constancy equals comfort and security. Psychologists agree that tradition is important to the development of society and to family structure. Family traditions are healthy and normal. There’s only one thing wrong with tradition–it’s filled with shoulds. “We should have the tree up before the 15th. We should entertain. We should shop…decorate…send cards. We should be happy…” Tradition creates purpose and connection. Tradition provides roots. But tradition magnifies the pain of our loss.

At our house, we trim the tree the first weekend in December. It’s tradition. But the year Alexander died, I didn’t feel like trimming the tree at all. When we did do it, as many changes as possible were made in the ritual to help me tolerate the empty space left in his absence. The children receive a new Christmas ornament each year to add to their collections. Someday these ornaments will adorn their own Christmas trees in their own homes. But what about Alex’s set? Those three ornaments will never bloom into twenty and will never follow him into adulthood. That first year after Alex’s death I bought him one anyway–an angel in flight. Four stockings hang from the mantel. Do I hang Alexander’s stocking, or do I put it away forever? The first year, I hung his apart from the others. But every year since, his stocking has hung with the other four. I have five children with five Christmas stockings–and I always will.

The key to surviving Christmas as a bereaved individual is flexibility and foresight. It’s important to plan ahead, and it’s important to anticipate the changes you will need to make. Habit is easy, and it does take a little more effort to implement creative change in holiday planning. But change and adjustment are essential for the newly bereaved.

Families can spend so many years following the same patterns and routines that they forget these choices were made because they were right for their moment. But choices made under different circumstances may not be the right choices for the newly bereaved. The early moments of grief demand new rules. Even customs “set in stone” can be bent. Festivities that expend more energy than we have to give can be skipped. Entertaining and socializing can be altered or curtailed altogether. Decisions can be delayed and new plans designed and implemented at the last minute. The bereaved can learn to be creative and flexible in customizing their holiday plans.

Traditions bind families and societies tightly to one another. But altering our traditions to suit our current needs makes sense. Each moment, each stage of life, demands its own customs and its own rituals. By building our bridges moment to moment, we link the past and present to the future.

Special thanks to guest author, Joanetta Hendel, who graciously shares her work.

Related posts:

1. Silent Night,Challenging Night

“My idea of Christmas, whether old-fashioned or modern, is very simple: loving others. Come to think of it, why do we have to wait for Christmas to do that?” – Bob Hope -

I ‘m working some last minute preparations today. I’m sure I am not the only one.

So, I wanted to share with you my #1 gift suggestion to place beneath your tree this year. I, like so many of you, have learned through the trials of life, how fleeting our time can be with the people we love. And, with life moving at the speed of a text message, we can sometimes forget to slow ourselves down and really drink up the moments with the people who mean the most to us.

When I think back to my fondest memories of my son Stephen, it is never anything to do with material things he may have given me. It is always our late night chats, where we would solve all the world’s problems and some of our own as well. When I think back to my cherished recollections of my father, it is never the gifts he gave me that make my heart smile. It is the long and intimate conversations I would have with him, when he would tell me stories, and give me lessons on life from his own experiences, and tell me of his deep and unending love for my mother.

So, this year, give the people you love the best gift that can put under the tree. Your time and attention.

Write a note that explains your gift, wrap it up in a box and put it under the tree. You can do this for anyone that is important to you, but I will give you a couple of examples.

Imagine how your husband or wife or partner would feel if they opened a box and this was inside?

To my Husband/Wife/Partner:

Life moves so quickly. And sometimes, I find myself thinking about how wonderful you are, but when we talk, it is about grocery lists, utility bills, and the upcoming week’s schedule. Sometimes, life just moves so darn fast, it is hard to slow down and appreciate the things that are most important in life. So, this Christmas, I decided to give you the gift of my undivided attention and time for us to nurture what we have. I want us to plan, each week, to take the time, just for each other.

Let’s make a promise to slow ourselves down, turn off the Blackberry, and give ourselves the gift of time. I want to hear you, I want to really listen. I want to understand your dreams, and have you smile and know that I am your biggest cheerleader. Life is short, and the moments that we really are present with each other are the ones we will remember always. The moments we are present are the real gifts. So, this year, I give you time.

Or, how about this?

To my precious child:

I know this is a weird gift, especially when you thought this box was just the right size for a Ipod Touch. I know it seems like you picked the short straw for presents, being that it is only words, and it does not plug in, or require any assembly. But this year, I wanted to give you something that is more important than any other present beneath our tree.

My time, just for you.
I know sometimes that I am busy when I get home from work, and I am half listening as you try to tell me about what happened in Science class. I know that sometimes I am preoccupied, thinking about the laundry, or the “to do” list. This gift changes that. I want each week, to set aside some time to give you my complete and undivided attention. You can talk to me about your life or ask me about mine. We can bake cookies or launch rockets. It’s up to you. But I just want to give you the gift of time so you know how important you are to me. I’m your biggest fan, and I don’t tell you that enough.

Your time and attention. The best gift you can give, and it requires no financing, no money down, no monthly payments. And, you don’t have to go to the mall today either.

I will leave you with one of my favorite songs from the musical Rent. What will you do with your 525,600 minutes in this coming year? I challenge you to make them count.

Kelly Buckley writes about her life after the sudden death of her 23 year old son, Stephen.  She recently published a book, Gratitude in Grief, about finding little things to feel grateful for in the first two months following Stephen’s death. Kelly blogs here: gratitudeingrief.blogspot.com

Related posts:

1. Ghosts of Christmas Past

Researchers have conclusively shown that when we think positive thoughts, we enjoy enormous short-term and long-term benefits. So, if faced with a choice of positive or negative thoughts, why not go with positive and see what happens? It’s like seeing your glass half full instead of half empty. The glass has the same amount of water in it either way. So why not see the glass as half full?

Positive affirmations are thoughts and sayings you can repeat to yourself out loud or silently in your head. Positive affirmations are designed to help uplift your mind, body and soul. Instead of putting yourself down every time you make a mistake, imagine telling yourself nice things, like: “It’s okay to make mistakes,” or, “Who I am is good and I’m good enough.”

Unfortunately, as loss survivors, we can end up flooded with negative messages. Usually these are messages we send ourselves, about not being good enough, not being a good parent, spouse, child, etc. Then if we do get criticism from family or relatives, we internalize it with more negative statements about ourselves. The damage this negativity does to our self-esteem and self-worth is incalculable. But with practice, we can control our thoughts and improve our sense of well-being.

I was mired in negativity after the suicide death of my loved one. I couldn’t even drop a fork on the floor at dinnertime without calling myself “stupid.” I was miserable and knew I needed a radical shift in my life. That was when I was introduced to the power of positive affirmations.

How to get started: Start listening to the “committee” in your head. Are you constantly criticizing yourself, calling yourself names, putting yourself down? If that is the case, you don’t need anyone to degrade or humiliate you — you are already doing it to yourself!

The key with positive affirmations is repetition. The more your subconscious mind hears positive words, the more these thoughts will manifest in your life. It is always exciting to start noticing for the first time when your positive thoughts start to outweigh your negative thoughts. Although this may take a while, and require persistence and commitment, the pay-off is well worth all the work!

Try this: for the first several weeks that you try out affirmations, call yourself “Sweetie.” When you drop something on the floor, say, “It’s okay, Sweetie.” When you forget something and have to come all the way back home, say to yourself, “It’s okay, Sweetie.” If you do this long enough, the positive in your subconscious will start to outweigh the negative and you will start to feel better about yourself and the world around you.

You will start to notice your relationships getting better — much better! Healthier and more encouraging people will literally start to show up, and more importantly, you will start to notice them! When we were once mired in negatitivy we didn’t even notice when someone nice was around because we were too busy being cynical and pessimistic about our chances of finding someone nice. But the affirmation: “I deserve unconditional love at all times,” will get you to a new and wonderful relationship very quickly.

Besides love relationships, positive affirmations create improvement in dealing with family members, bosses and co-workers on the job, friendships, dealings with neighbors, as well as any dreams you have for yourself in the future. Positive affirmations help us get through disappointment, rejection, and deep grief and keep us looking forward to living life in the moment.

Please remember, after a loss the last thing we need to do is beat up on ourselves. After my own suicide loss, this was especially true.  This is a healing time for you, a time to nourish yourself as you recover from your grief. This is a time to treat yourself well!

Catherine Greenleaf is a suicide loss survivor, and author of the highly acclaimed book, Healing The Hurt Spirit: Daily Affirmations For People Who Have Lost a Loved One to Suicide. She is a spiritual counselor and a member of the Association for Death Education and Counseling. She travels nationwide to speak to suicide loss survivors about how to persevere after suicide loss. You can read more of her work on her blog, or follow her on twitter.

Related posts:

1. When a Teen or Child Loses a Loved One to Suicide

Under normal circumstances, preparing for any holiday can be stressful as well as tiring. When a loved one dies, completing these holiday tasks become complicated by the intense pain of grief and the physical, emotional, and cognitive changes that accompany it.   Our grief may be so painful that we question whether to celebrate the holidays at all.

Although there are no sure solutions as to how to prepare for the holidays, there are some things that may be helpful:

-         Educate yourself by reading books or articles on grief and attending a lecture on coping with the holidays.

-         Identify strengths or strategies that helped you adjust to previous losses in your life. These may be losses related to death or losses not related to death (e.g., divorce).

-         Try to develop as much support from family and friends as you can. Tell them that the holidays may be emotionally and physically draining for you, and how they can best help you during this time.

-         Allow some time to feel sad. Have a good cry if you need to.

-         Be careful with use of alcohol and medications, either separately or together.

-         Save your energy for the most important things.

-         Delegate! Let others share the workload by preparing food and helping with decorations.

-         If you need quiet time, take it.

-         If you aren’t up to a large family affair, have a scaled down gathering with a few close family members and friends.

Others may have difficulty saying the name of your loved one for fear of upsetting you or because they are uncomfortable with their own feelings. You may decide to initiate the discussion of your loved one and may be hesitant to do so because it may be very painful. That is completely understandable, but the pain may be lessened or replaced by joy due to some wonderful shared memories. Plus, we want to say and hear the names of our loved ones.

The anticipation of the holiday season and the days leading up to it may be more stressful than the actual day. Also, if there are certain holiday functions that you don’t have the emotional strength to confront, it is ok to avoid them. Remember, you can grieve as you see fit!

David J. Roberts became a bereaved parent after his daughter Jeannine died of cancer at the age of 18. You can read more of his work here: www.bootsyandangel.com This article was originally posted on www.opentohope.com.

Related posts:

1. Navigating Your Grief Journey

“Melissa, come downstairs, Aunt Marie needs to talk to you,” Michelle yelled.

I was nervous and completely oblivious. What did I do now? Michelle was sitting on the couch along with my uncle, and my aunt was standing in the middle of the room, waiting for me to sit down. My dog was barking as usual, and I had a gut feeling that I did something wrong and was going to get in trouble. The next few words that came out of her mouth were unforgettable.

“I don’t know how to tell you this, so I’m just going to say it,” she started. It seemed like hours had passed before she continued.

“Your dad passed away last night.”

My heart stopped pumping. My aunt continued to talk and explain what had happened, but I tuned out. I was in my own world. My blood went cold and my body became numb. I was speechless. The only things I heard about cancer patients were survivor stories about those who fought until they were cancer-free. I thought my dad was the strongest man alive and that he would overcome the cancer taking over his body. Why does this have to happen to me? My father was all I had. He was my world: my dad, my coach, my mentor, and my best friend, really.

After this day, I was a different person. When I realized that the one person I depended on and loved the most was gone, I shut down. I wanted to curl up and be alone all day in my room. I never wanted to talk or be bothered by anything. I pushed away my family and friends and was very rude. I didn’t care about anyone except myself. I tried to believe that my dad would walk through the door sooner or later and ask me to go out and have a catch with him. I knew it would never happen, but I just could not accept that I was never going to see him ever again. He will never be there to see me mature into a young woman, he will never be there to walk me down the aisle and give me away, and he will never be able to hold his grandkids. That’s what hurts the most.

One of the worst feelings I felt after my dad’s death, was the one I got when people didn’t understand why I was still upset. People believed that I should have gotten over his death a week or two after he was gone. All I could do was try and be strong. I bottled up my emotions. The first day of seventh grade, two weeks after his death, all I could do was smile. I didn’t talk, and if I didn’t pretend to be happy, I would have broken down. To this day I try to hold in my tears as much as possible. When my friends complain that they hate their parents because they won’t let them go to a party that weekend, it makes envy them. They still have both parents, and have no idea what can happen in the blink of an eye. People don’t understand how lucky they really are.

After a while, I was able to learn that life could continue without my dad. I learned that I had to accept what just happened to me, because there was nothing I could do to ever bring him back. I have become strong and wise and I learned who my real friends were. Those that said “I’m here for you if you need me” but never actually approached me after my dad’s passing were useless to me. I needed friends that showed that they were there for me. I needed friends I could cry with and vent to. The people who were there for me back then are the people I can consider my best friends today. I have been through a lot more than many people my age, and I feel that it has made me into a more mature being. I am an older, wiser, and stronger person than I was before.

I have slowly started appreciating more. I used to not care about much. I lived life day by day, usually got what I wanted, and took things for granted. Now, I don’t get caught up in little fights because I know that it’s not worth it. Things can happen in a split second, and life can end at anytime. We do not know our expiration dates, and I want to live my life to the fullest and not pause it to resolve a stupid fight over nothing. I also watch my mouth. I used to say “I hate you” to my dad when he wouldn’t get me that cool, new toy that I was dying for. I wouldn’t be caught dead saying that to a family member now. I am beyond thankful to have a loving family who took me in, not caring that they lived in a small house with limited space, and already had to take care of three kids of their own, two of which were being put through college. They accepted me without even thinking of the ifs, ands, or buts. I cannot even begin to think where I would be today without them.

The death of my father had also caused me to find one of the most amazing places in the world: Comfort Zone Camp. Comfort Zone Camp is the world’s largest bereavement camp for kids ages 7- 17 who have lost a parent or sibling. There I have learned to talk instead of bottling things up, I have learned coping skills to deal with my grief, and I have learned one of the most helpful things yet: that I am not alone. I have made so many friends who have gone through the same things I have, and can talk to them whenever I want. Initially I went in thinking “why do I need to open myself up to a bunch of strangers?” and now I am a three-year returning camper, currently applying to become a junior counselor. I couldn’t imagine life without this beautiful place. Soon, I’ll have a “little buddy” of my own who will need me to be there for them, just like my big’s were there for me. This is definitely the best thing that has happened to me since the death of my dad. It has made me so much stronger and has helped me in so many indescribable ways.

The demise of Edward Douglas Moore can be defined as the worst thing that has ever happened to me in my entire life. It has changed me in many ways, some good, and others bad. My dad’s death sparked a turning point in my life, and I had no other choice than to continue moving forward. I think about the memories we shared every night. My room is filled of pictures of us together: pictures of us canoeing down the Delaware River, exploring the Grand Canyon, and taking silly photo booth shots. While seeing these always make me sad, it makes me feel so lucky to have gotten to share 12 years of my life with him. I still am, and will always be a “daddy’s girl.”

Special thanks to Comfort Zone Camper Melissa Moore for sharing her story here with us.

No related posts.