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Echoes of each other’s being.
Whose eyes are those that look like mine?
Whose smile reminds me of my own?
Whose thoughts come through with just a glance?
Who knows me as no others do?
Who in the whole wide world is most like me
Yet not like me at all?
My sibling.
(Faber & Mazlish, 1989, p. 114)
So often the death of a sibling is dismissed, unrecognized or even ignored. The assumption is that perhaps it is not as devastating as a parent losing a child, a wife losing a husband, or even a child losing a parent. Yet, our siblings are one of the longest lasting relationships we will ever have.
Siblings define our past, are key in our “evolution” of our identity, and they know all of the intricacies of our families. Our siblings saw us in the best of times and in the worst. There is no other relationship like the sibling connection. In an instant your world changed when your brother or sister died. In an instant, your entire family changed forever.
The impact of losing a sibling has many layers and hits on many levels. You might feel guilt that you are the one that survived, you may feel confusion about what role you now play in the family, you may be angry that your family has changed so drastically, and the sadness you experience can be indescribable.
To quote the title of a superb book- Invisible Heroes (Naparstek, B), which outlines the impact trauma has on the body, this title also represents survivors of sibling loss. Many often feel invisible as their grief is so vastly overlooked.
In efforts to combat feeling invisible, make your loss and your grief known. Educate others about how sibling grief shapes you. Just as there was a connection before your sibling died, there can be after the death as well.
Pay tribute and honor your brother or sister often. Say their name, tell their story, do random acts of kindness as a means of memorializing. Just as the poem suggests, don’t allow the “echo of your being” to be forgotten. It was an important relationship and will forever be.
24 Comments:
awesome Jill. i am going to share this with my friend Kate in ireland who runs Anam Cara, a group for parents who have lost children….
Thank you. It is nice to see, in black in white, just exactly what I have been experiencing over the past 4 years since my sister (who was also my closest friend)died. I am the youngest and she was the next one older than me … far behind the 2 eldest sisters. We always figured we’d be the only 2 left someday. Now, …
Jill- great article! This is so true for children, our kids go through waves of grief and often feel and express that their grief isn’t “as important” because Ella was their sister, not their child….thank God for CZC and them being able to attend camp and feel ok, and feel accepted and to freely share.I think a lot of people just expect them to over it already…..
-Ella’s Mummy
Thank you so much for posting this. I lost my brother and have been completely devastated for 4 years now. I live in an urban area and sought out support groups for loss of a sibling and foudn nothing. I truly felt invisible and that my grieg was less important than parent-child relationships. My brother was my first best friend and we shared our lives together – now it’s like my childhood never existed because he’s gone.
Jill-
Touching thoughts and ones that resonate as you can read from the posts.
I love the idea of paying tribute often. Saying their name, including them in our conversations…always remembering their presence.
So incredibly touching – being the youngest of 7, and losing two brothers suddenly one year apart (in ‘04 and ‘05) was so devastating, and I have felt so alone in this feeling of grief. This makes me feel validated.
My mum lost 4 children. A daughter in 1944 aged 3 months, Siamese twins in 1945 and a son aged 9 months in 1954. I have been doing family research and have found out all their names so they have become real and while on holiday in Northern Ireland I visited a cemetry as my great grandmother was buried there and was told that my 3 month old sister was buried there too. Im 50 years old and since then Ive become very tearful thinking about the brother and sisters I never knew and I dont know why.
My brother Brandon died in a car accident a year ago(he fell asleep at the wheel and ran off the road and hit a pole)… I find it so hard to breath somedays. I miss him so much. i love him so much. He was my big brother, but only a year older. We were so much alike and yet so different. All my life i had him to be my love and support. Life is just so different now. People don’t understand, but how could they, they weren’t us… I will miss him all the days of my life. I feel a part of me gone and it is so hard to not have his company, to hear his voice or see his smile.
My sister and dearest friend Megan died 3 months ago to a 13 year battle of cancer. I have never felt this type of pain before. I want so badly to feel “normal” again, but I’m not sure I’ll ever fully recover losing her. Death is so final. I miss her more as each day passes. I speak of her all the time. She is constantly in my thoughts. It’s haunting in a way. Im afraid if I’m not thinking of her, I may start to forget little things. I’m holding on for dear life. How will I learn a healthy way to live without her? There is a hole in my heart in the shape of her.
My “baby” sister died at age 16 in 1979 in an alcohol related car crash. Two of her best friends died with her and one survived. I have two older sisters and we all have a different experience of this profound loss. After all these years I still wake from dreams that she is still with me and although the grief has changed shape and texture over the years, the pain is still excrutiating at times. Love to all who struggle with the pain of losing someone dear to them and hope as well because there are still bright moments to enjoy along the way.
Again, an excellent article. Thank you all who post, you help normalize my feelings. My little sister- Chrissy-has been gone almost 3 years now and not a day goes by that I don’t think or speak her name- this keeps her alive in my mind and heart. Thanks again this is very comforting.
Thank you. My brother and I lost our baby sister to cancer when we were young. He was closest to her in age and her loss filled him with so much rage no one knew what to do about it. I was the opposite. I closed up and wouldn’t talk to anyone for a long time. There wasn’t much n the way of child grief counseling in 1985 so it was hard for us to fully understand what to feel. My mom shut down and we felt forgotten and dad tried his best. Nothing seemed enough. I miss her terribly to this day and often wonder what life would have been like if she hadn’t gotten sick, what she would look like. I needed to read these words years ago. Thank you.
I lost my older brother 37 years 2 months and 10 days ago…it changed destiny for my siblings and I. “you’ll get used to/over it”…ha! Another who lost their brother recently as well told me ..you’ll never get over it, you’ll just get used to it. Much closer to the truth. Any loss is a pain only someone who has gone through a similar pain can come close to understand … I don’t wish this on anyone. To brothers and sisters lost everywhere!
My older sister and unborn baby neice passed suddenly in an auto accident in July 1995.I was 17 she was 19. we were 18 months apart.Our whole lives we were thought to be twins.We looked alike, sounded alike, and were best friends.We had plans to raise our kids together. I never thought this would be any sort of a blessing ever in my life, until 3 weeks ago. My Oldest Son of 4, Bobby who in Dec just turned 18,took his life after a breakup and other things weighed too heavy.I miss him soo much.If i had not had loss before, i honestly dont think id ever get out of bed. But i not only lost my sister bk in 95, i lost my family. I refuse to let this happen for MY other 3 living children.My daughter said to me, “Mom, while other people wish and say they know how i feel, i know YOU do and i know i can talk to you and you’ll really understand.” At that time i realized God had prepared me for the last 16 years to be the rock my babies need today. I could never describe the pain and empty place my heart feels but i know we will be okay.To all parents, the loss of a sibling is so close to losing a child, I KNOW. Also, I think it is so important to include the siblings in arrangements, especially if they are asking, so they too can find peace. I wasnt included in my sisters arrangements and i hid that anger for years.I may not have even wanted to have part, but to be asked is important for healing. A siblings bond is the only bond closest to a parent/child bond….its eternal.
My son, Jared died 17 months ago on 11-7-09. His sister, Jamie is 16 and misses him so very much! Some days I feel like I’ve lost them both because nothing is the same. I love my daugther so much and pray for her mental health and well-being.
Thank you so much for addressing the loss of a sibling. My younger sister died last March from brain cancer and I haven’t stopped crying. Had lost my dad when I was 21 and it hurt horribly but it paled in comparison to losing Mary. She was so full of mischief and laughter, even the day she died. Lord how I miss her. Linda
While Mary was alive she loved to cook great meals. She would call and say, Linny, you have to taste this. It’s A__ KICKING GIRL.
MARY’S FAVORITE POTATO SALAD
5 LBS OF COOKED, PEELED, CUBED, CHILLED POTATOES (PLACE IN LARGE BOWL).
FRY 1 LB OF BACON CRISPY. DRAIN & COOL. CRUMBLE. BACON.
IN SEPERATE BOWL COMBINE:
2/3 CUP MAYO, 1/2 TSP. BLACK PEPPER, 1/2 TSP. SALT, 1 CUP DICED CELERY,
1/2 CUP DICED RADDISH, 1/2 CUP SHREDDED CARROT (MOSTLY FOR COLOR),
1/4 CUP BACON DRIPPINGS, 1/2 CP. GRATED FRESH ONION, 1 TSP. YELLOW MUSTARD
3 HARD BOILED EGGS, CHILLED, PEELED, CUBED (4 IF YOU CHOOSE
TO GARNISH SALAD WITH EGG), MIX WELL AND ADD COOKED, CUBED POTATOES.
“A__KICKING ”, by Mary Zerilla – DOD 3/12/2010
I lost my brother and dad in a boating accident Jan 1, 1970. I was 12, my brother was 14. To this day, there are times that I miss them terribly, and I grieve all over again. I’ve just learned to let myself grieve when I need to. I can truly say the loss of my brother was the hardest, even though my daddy was the bestest dad in the world. My brother and I were best friends, so we shared almost everything in our lives. And now I feel the loss that my children never got to know them. I have been able to talk about losing my dad, but much more difficult to talk about my brother. It still hurts too much after all these years. I’m glad that I found this site, and that others still grieve as I do. Hugs to all who have lost a brother or sister.
I agree with you on delayed grief…I lost my brother to a tragic car accident when I was 19 and he was 24, and I was left the sole survivor.I was brought up close to my family, raised Roman Catholic, and Italian. I managed to be strong and help my parents, and they helped me in return and also my grandparents across the street from me.My grandfather passed away a couple years back, and now we are caring for my grandmother who suffers from dementia. I am also a gay male who suffers from clinical depression, but the pain of losing my brother still haunts me, and I understand the dark part…where I feel I am left in a dark world. You see life differently and it is hard to relate to others on a superficial level. I managed to work and get a university degree. My parents were hard working, and this tragedy struck at the very core of our souls. I did suffer from alcohol addiction because I had to repress alot of my feelings and be strong for my parents and carry on..so it does creep up to you…you somehow manage to survive,and live and try, and be with good and better people who you can trust, but its hard in this world.
I am 32 now and I still feel that I havent healed..its a life long process, and its also hard to trust people who have your best interest at heart..
My brother and best friend Chris died 4 weeks ago today. It was a sudden and unexpected stroke at 44 years old. We talked or emailed every day, spent practically every weekend doing something together. We were roommates for 10 years. I helped him raise his daughter and my wonderful niece. We were always there for each other in the best and worst of times. Only four weeks have passed and people are already trying to avoid the subject or push me to “get over” it. Each day that passes I feel like I am getting better, but just as I get on a roll, the horror of it returns in my mind. I look at a picture of him and think it wasn’t supposed to happen this way. He was supposed to see his daughter get her Masters degree, see his grandson grow up and take him fishing and hunting and camping. It was all he spoke about. I was supposed to grow old with him and retire and become the old folks that hang out in McDonalds for the discount coffee. 4 weeks have passed and I see no end right now for the heartache I am feeling. People around me have moved on, the world goes on as if nothing happened. Sibling loss is more painful than anyone can imagine. I spent 37 years living my life around him, measuring my success and failures against him. Sharing childhood moments, loss of our mother, good times, bad times, family, friends, everything. I miss him so much.
I lost my brother on may 16 , 2011 to pancreatic cancer , he was only 36 years old , 10 days shy of his 37th birthday! he was an oncologist, who chose this path since my mom died of cancer when she was 56 years old, my father died when I was 6 and he was 12 ! I miss him so much , and it seems that I can’t live my life anymore , and I just don’t want to! I want to die to I pray everyday that I get cancer too and die so that I can join my family! he was my everything, he was my hero , smart, handsome, witty , compassionate to his patients and everyone else. It is just unfair , his daughter is only 4 years old, he just didn’t want for his daughter to grow up without a father , since we grew up without my father! I still feel what happened is unreal or it is only a nightmare and I will wake up any minute! life is worthless to me now ! I want to be dead , it should’ve been me , not my brother! I was so attached to him ! I just can’t go on without him and I don’t want to !
I lost my older sister to a car accident on friday jan 13 2006..she was 18 with an 8 month old son, my nephew and her boyfriend survived the accident, we didnt blame her bf who was driving the car we knew it was a horrible accident and nothing was intentional.. but now its been 5 yrs and Quincy just turned 6 its so hard to see him without his mommy hes a spitting image of her! I try not to think about her but i can get her off my mind, im 20 now and its just so weird to be older then she was at the time of her death… i feel her all around me im always seeing 113 EVERYWHERE.. i never went to counseling and i just recently searched the internet about losing a sibling, it feels good not to be alone! but the more i read the more im learning about why i have trust issues and why i get really sad and angry about her when im just in a bad mood, its like the moment i get pissed i start thinking about the bad things that always happen and she always comes first, ill look at the articles in the paper and listen to sad songs just so i can feel close to her… i went to a physic and ive never felt the way i did that day, she came through and i know many people dont believe in this but if u get a chance to go to a real one, GO! It was literally like this woman was talking for my sister the things she said how she said it, what she knew i just felt so close to her.. i asked her about seeing 113 everywhere and she said u dont even need the answer to that u already know its her shes with u everyday.. After the death of her i felt if anyone else is going to die on me it wont hurt as bad.. both my grandfathers died since then and i just wasnt sad, it just wasnt the same and i feel as though i lost the most important and closest person to me, i can get through whatever now.. She was my only sister, so growing up since then and seeing my friends with their siblings i would get so jealous of there relationships.. what made me really mad is when they would wish hurtful things on them, they just dont understand it from our point of view bc if we could go back to that day and change what happened we would in a heartbeat… i would take her spot anyday just so she could be here with her son and everyone else who loves and misses her… i love you so much Jaimie keep smiling down on us<3
Here it is Christmas Eve…I lost my brother (my best friend, my father figure) on Oct, 24th, 2011. I just turned both my cell and home phone off. Since my sister-in-law and even his son (who I am very close to) don’t even acknowledge my loss and grief that makes it even harder. He was only 4 yrs. older than me and we had a very hard childhood and I always looked to him for guidance and protection. Only 2 yrs ago he was diagnosed with brain cancer, he was so healthy other than that. My sister-in-law never told me that he would not get better, so his death came as such a shock. I hurt so much, so angry at everyone (even God), I am now having some medical problems myself. I want to go to on but anger comes out of no where (it seems) and I feel ill – when I have plans to go somewhere. Actually, I wish I were the one,,,I pray all the time that I die soon. My husband is trying to understand and be supportive but I am turning away from him. I JUST HURT. Thanks for listening.