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Most grief books help you mourn the loss of a loved one, how to cope with yearning, how to adapt to the emptiness following the death of someone so significant in your life that the mere thought of living without them feels incredibly overwhelming and incapacitating. But, where are the resources for those who had a conflicted relationship? Where is the book on “Things I Really Wanted to Say, But Couldn’t, During the Eulogy”? There are very few, if any.
Not every relationship is that smooth or free of conflict. Many people have mixed feelings about the person that they lost. Many children have been repeatedly disappointed by their parents or caregivers in more ways than they can count.
It is human to feel ambivalent. The people that we lose often had very human problems – addictions, incarceration, gambling, infidelity. These problems are real and are prevalent, yet the unwritten rule of grief is “You don’t speak ill of the dead.”
However, if you can’t speak about it, where does it go? The body remembers everything. Consequently, any unfinished anger or unresolved issues remain with the living, which often impede the natural healing. Excessive amounts of time and energy are spent trying to redo conversations once had, create the statements that were never voiced, or imagine reactions never received. These are heavy bricks to carry for endless days, months, or even years.
Adults have extreme difficulty with guilt for even having the “ambivalent” feelings. Children have an even tougher time with them as it is confusing to have two directly opposing feelings towards a person that was significant in their lives.
None of us do very well with incongruence. So our inclination is to swallow it, hide it away, and hope that it will one day disappear on its own.
Allow yourself the opportunity to name and label these differing emotions. Take inventory of the entire relationship. Help children have a chance to talk. Ask what they miss about the person, also ask what they don’t miss. Permission to have these mixed feelings is crucial. There are no perfect relationships.
Unfortunately, conflicted relationships can often leave much private pain in it’s wake following a death. It can be more challenging to grieve, since there is little room/sanctioning to discuss the not-so-pleasant memories of the time you had with your family member.
Invite the feelings about conflicted emotions, invite discussions with others about them. For, it is the unsaid stories that do the most damage. It truly is ok to love someone but still be angry at them. It is ok to love someone but not like (or even hate) their choices or decisions. You are not wrong to feel conflicted.
16 Comments:
Very, very helpful! My mom struggled with this as dad, though a wonderful person, often was an embarrassment when when he drank too much. Fortunately we as a family are able to talk about the wonderful things about dad as well as those times when… Well.
I never thought I would see the words describing my grief. My marriage of 25 years was coming to an end because of addictions when my husband passed away one week before the divorce. I have been hit with so many emotions and a large whole in my life that I filled with good memories but I keep forgetting about the pain and anger and that is keeping me from moving on.
hi there…such a fantastic idea…I could hardly explain to someone ..how unfinished business…takes me back to my marriage and the affair my husband had shortly before he died…we were trying to make a go of things when he learned about the cancer and over and over again I think of all the hurtful things he said to be about my appearance etc ..when he was having the secret affair and I didnt know what was wrong..I think of these things more than his death…strange..
How wonderful to give myself permission to even remember the bad times. My husband and I were about to seperate when we found out that he had stage IV cancer. I stuck by him and never left his side as he died 8 weeks after diagnosis. My best friend said this to me when I was thinking about starting dating and felt terribly guilty…”It’s your life and you deserve to live it..he is dead and that was a situation that had untold issues attached to it. It was too complicated for most to understand but he was gone long before he died. You have a life to live…now go LIVE it!” It was the best thing anyone could have said to me!
Wow! So well said! I now feel like someone “get’s it”. My ex-husband died by suicide 9 month ago. Relief was one of the first emotions I felt. In more recent years, our relationship had been a roller coaster of conflict and challenges, to say the least. That said, he had been the love of my life long before all that. I have been blessed with two wonderfully bright young boys. We have a lifetime of discussions about their dad ahead.
I had separated from my husband and had moved to my own place the day he died from alcohol and pill abuse. We had agreed to be good parents to our 6-year-old daughter, eventhough we wouldn’t be together anymore. Just when I felt like my life was going to get better, he died, and everything fell apart again. The guilt that I felt (and still feel) was overwealming. Both his and my family blamed my for leaving him and believed that it lead to him dying. This happened 8 months ago. I don’t feel like I have let my daughter grieve like she should, and that’s why I’ve been doing some research on websites like this. Thank you.
Thank you so much for this article. In December of 2009 my husband of 24 years and I divorced. In January he took his life. I have emotions that are all over the board. I have a hard time defining who I am and what role I play. I would love to go to a support group I just don’t know what for. I no longer have typical “divorce” issues but I’m not a widow. Our children seem to be very slowly healing and I seem to have just started grieving.
THANK YOU! My husband of 7 1/2 years took his own life as he and I were having marital problems and were separated. He was not a good husband and I have learned so many secrets/lies about him since his death. I struggle with helping my children have happy thoughts with him when I remember the real truth behind those memories and what was really going on!
In August of 09 my husband of 20 years and I divorced. He suffered alcohol addiction. In May 2010 I found him dead of alcohol poisoning. In July 2010 my mother passed away after a long illness. I am just swallowed up in grief. Grieving for two different people, two different ways. This has helped me understand some of my feelings about my ex. I wish I could find a support group for grieving for exs
I feel so blessed to have found this site, the article and, mostly, the comments everyone shared. My story is very similiar to the ones listed above involving an alcoholic, abusive husband who took his own life after I finally took a stand to protect myself and our three young children and filed for divorce after 12 years of marriage. It is beyond comforting to know that I am not the only widow dealing with these conflicting issues. His family and friends blame me and do not think I am capable of grieving because I was the one who filed for divorce. So happy to have found this site and the useful information it contains!
My husband died suddenly on Thanksgiving night almost 5 years ago. We were seperated at the time and I was in the process of seeking counsel for a divorce. I am still conficted with my feelings. My feelings are still trapped because I am not sure if I am to mourn as his widow, the mother of his child or what. I still have so much sadness and conflict. So much was unresolved. I also feel guilt because out last interaction was so distant. Even when my daugher, who is 9 years old now, cries for him, I no longer feel connected to what she is going through. It was nice to see an article that let me know that what I was feeling wasnt’ something I should be ashamed of and what a relief to find an outlet to share my feeling without fear of judgement…
My husband and I have been married 23 yrs, separated back in Feb. He was diagnosed a year prior with ALS and seemed to want to go out and begin a new life for himself in his final days. Our marriage was never good, he was very controlling and very cold natured, etc so I wasn’t devastated by him leaving, other than the financial impact. He is now at the end of his illness and in a coma. I have so many emotions going on right now… anger, bitterness, sadness, emptiness, etc. He said and did so many hurtful things over the years and I find it’s easier to get through this by holding onto my anger yet everyone is telling me that I need to let it go. I’m so confused!! Thank you so much for this article. It helps to know that I am not alone in these feelings.
Thank you for writing this article. My father successfully completed suicide in 1994, the day after my mother’s divorce from him was final. He psychologically abused us for 27 years. I barely remember a kind word from him after the age of five. My mother doesn’t really know why she stayed married to him for so long. Neither of us was talking to him the last few months of his life as he had an unprecedented manic episode and began blowing through hundreds of thousands of dollars. He gave most of it away to strangers. Protecting her financial security is what made my mother finally divorce my father. We felt mostly relief after he died. That is still the prevailing sentiment for both of us. I also had very real and scary nightmares for about 7 years after his suicide in which he was very much alive and demanding his money back that I ended up inheriting from his estate. I had to learn lucid dreaming in order to guide the dreams to less scary endings. My mother seems to believe she and I are both “stuck” since his suicide. I don’t know that his suicide is entirely responsible for my being stuck as I experienced a devastating breakup in 1998 and feel that had a more profound impact on me. But I am willing to explore the fact that I may need to grieve for the man despite being glad he is gone. I’d like to go to a support group, but I feel my sentiments would be perceived as insensitive and inappropriate by those suffering in a more traditional manner. Any suggestions anyone?
Keep in mind that earlier losses can get triggered by more current ones…especially
any that did not get to be fully processed.
There are so many layers to the death of your
father…and it is exceptional that you can
give voice to the ambivalence about that relationship. There are several potential groups
that you could pursue that would give you
validation and permission to articulate the many ways you experienced disappointments. One
group may be an actual suicide survivors group
if there are any in your geographic location.
Another resource might be groups conducted by
NAMI – the National Advocacy Organization for
the mentally ill. In addition, reading
about conflicted relationships such as
Ambiguous Loss by Pauline Boss, Fatherless Women, Unattended Sorrow and The Five Most Important Things by
Ira Byock might help facilitate some more of the work that you clearly have already been doing for quite some time. Your sentiments
have merit and worth. Make sure you get a place
to say them aloud or to put them in writing…
They are much to heavy to carry alone.
My husband of 29 years died of cancer on August 22, 2011. He wasn’t all bad, but I can’t think of any thing good to say. I “talk” to him and let him know how angry I feel. Four days after his death I found pictures (that had been locked in a briefcase) of him in an embrace with a mutual friend and another woman and he was so happy and they were so nude. I’m not one to hold on to lots of things, but after that discovery the few sentimental items laid aside went to the curb. I miss him. The myriad of emotions are tiresome and the memory banks are working overtime as they do with everyone going through the loss of their loved one. I am not glad he is gone but I have hope now amidst the grief and sorting through all the negativity he projected. So glad I found this site. Thank you and I wish everyone resolution during their time of grief.
My exhusband passed away september 2010. He was diabetic and threatened suicide the day before he passed. He was an uncontrollable diabetic. When he took the pills he knew what he was doing. Medical Examiner ruled out suicide. He had left behind a note speaking of 3 year old son and how he sat not knowing if he would ever see him again. That there was a hole in his heart. To let our son know he waited in life for him. I was the evil person and it was my fault he was gone according to his family. I wasnt allowed to attend the funeral.i had to stay back and my son traveled 4 hrs away to his dads funeral. I was hurting and confused and lost. I became angry over the next year. Even tonight i had an episode inside myself. Will this ever end for me? Will there ever be a normal day for my son and I again? Does the pain stop hitting me like a 90 mile an hour baseball?