Grieving the Difficult Relationship

Originally posted in March 2010.

Most grief books help you mourn the loss of a loved one, how to cope with yearning, how to adapt to the emptiness following the death of someone so significant in your life that the mere thought of living without them feels incredibly overwhelming and incapacitating. But, where are the resources for those who had a conflicted relationship? Where is the book on “Things I Really Wanted to Say, But Couldn’t, During the Eulogy”? There are very few, if any.

Not every relationship is that smooth or free of conflict. Many people have mixed feelings about the person that they lost.  Many children have been repeatedly disappointed by their parents or caregivers in more ways than they can count.

It is human to feel ambivalent. The people that we lose often had very human problems – addictions, incarceration, gambling, infidelity. These problems are real and are prevalent, yet the unwritten rule of grief is “You don’t speak ill of the dead.”

However, if you can’t speak about it, where does it go?  The body remembers everything. Consequently, any unfinished anger or unresolved issues remain with the living, which often impede the natural healing. Excessive amounts of time and energy are spent trying to redo conversations once had,  create the statements that were never voiced, or imagine reactions never received. These are heavy bricks to carry for endless days, months, or even years.

Adults have extreme difficulty with guilt for even having the “ambivalent” feelings. Children have an even tougher time with them as it is confusing to have two directly opposing feelings towards a person that was significant in their lives.

None of us do very well with incongruence. So our inclination is to swallow it, hide it away, and hope that it will one day disappear on its own.

Allow yourself the opportunity to name and label these differing emotions. Take inventory of the entire relationship. Help children have a chance to talk. Ask what they miss about the person, also ask what they don’t miss. Permission to have these mixed feelings is crucial. There are no perfect relationships.

Unfortunately, conflicted relationships can often leave much private pain in its wake following a death.  It can be more challenging to grieve, since there is little room/sanctioning to discuss the not-so-pleasant memories of the time you had with your family member.

Invite the feelings about conflicted emotions, invite discussions with others about them.  For, it is the unsaid stories that do the most damage. It truly is ok to love someone but still be angry at them.  It is ok to love someone but not like (or even hate) their choices or decisions. You are not wrong to feel conflicted.

Photo Credit.

30 Comments:

  1. Links said on April 24, 2014 at 5:22 am ... #

    My father passed away on 29 March 2014 at the age of 64. He was an alcoholic and I’m sure that was the cause of his death also. He hated me my whole life for some reason. I am so angry at him for leaving without even loving me once. I dont know how to deal with the feelings I have. I was also relieved that he died and find myself talking to him now, telling him off all the time and telling him that now he is NOTHING anymore. He was a NASTY person!

  2. Lou said on May 7, 2014 at 3:02 pm ... #

    I was engaged to a woman and I loved her. I found a lump before the wedding. I took her to the hospital. She refused to get checked in. I realized she was sick. If we got married she would have no insurance. I called off wedding. Three months later she was diagnosed with cirrhosis of the liver. Three weeks in hospital. We grew closer. Behind my back she would drink. It drove me away. I kept payong bill. I started seeing someone else. She died suddenly and i ruined my new relationship-trashed it. Now i’m content to be alone in the house with no visitors and only venture out to work or to eat dinner at the same place.

  3. Anonymous said on May 10, 2014 at 10:31 pm ... #

    Reading all the sadness makes me wonder if I should vent…my mother and father separated when I was about 6…my brother and I stayed with my dad, after several months my dad said to me that he couldn’t cope and I had a choice to live with my mum or go to a childrens home, my brother got shipped to a boarding school, my mum had no hesitation and I lived with her, things were hard financially and emotionally but she was a wonderful person and I know she wouldn’t have left us if she had a choice. Time moved on and my brother and me had no contact until I was 16…we have kept in contact now and then..ive been very lucky to have 5 wonderful children and 12 grandchildren, my brother 2 children…our mother died 19 years ago…who even though she left us was the most wonderful person and I miss her every day…My father on the other hand didn’t make an effort to get to know my children…and 16 years ago after my mum passed away declared to me that he found me very attractive and would like to take it further, I have not seen him since that day!!! my brother has had issues with his childhood as I have for different reasons..today he died and my emotions have taken me by surprise, my brother and myself are standing united at his funeral because we are family and have both been affected by our childhood…I don’t know how to feel:(

  4. Elle said on June 1, 2014 at 6:45 pm ... #

    I’m so glad I stumbled upon this site today. I have so many mixed emotions right now I hardly know where to begin. My dad was always a physically and emotionally abusive man to my mother, my brother, and myself. He was a bully who later gravitated to becoming a mean drunk and has continued to this day. My mother died of cancer 20 years ago, and he showed her no consideration during her illness until the day she passed. Then he went on to terrorize my brother and I until I moved away and maintained limited contact.

    He’s recently been diagnosed with cancer, and I’m not sure how to feel. I well relate to the author’s article. I’m not the kind of person who can wish him harm, but I’m finding myself completely without emotion or caring toward him. Truth be told, I’ll be completely relieved when he’s gone, and I know I will not miss him. Although he and my mother have a headstone and plot in the “family” cemetery, after all the hateful and disrespectful things he’s said about her and her family, I don’t want him buried with her. He’s stated numerous times he wants to be cremated with no kind of service, and that’s fine with me. I feel like I just want him gone and forgotten, yet I feel so terribly guilty and inhumane for even thinking that.

    Thank you for writing this and for all the other responses. It’s good to go I’m not alone.

  5. Damon said on June 12, 2014 at 11:06 am ... #

    What’s up friends, fastidious article and fastidious urging commented here, I am genuinely enjoying by these.

  6. Linda Converse said on July 3, 2014 at 10:27 pm ... #

    In 2001 I self published a book that is still on Amazon, titled “She Loved Me, She Loved Me Not: Adult Parent Loss After a Conflicted Relationship.” It is based on my own experience and on questionnaires I received after putting ads in various newspapers, as well as on research. I wrote this book because I had such a hard time after losing my mother with whom I’d always had a difficult relationship. I found there was little written on this topic. I am now considering writing an article on this topic and am wondering if there are enough people out there who have had this problem to make it worth publishing. I’d appreciate feedback. Thank you, Linda(MSW)

  7. Linda Converse said on July 7, 2014 at 8:38 pm ... #

    Elle and others, I just found a book on Amazon titled “Your Turn to Care:Surviving the Aging and Death of Adults Who Harmed You” by Laura S. Brown Ph.D. It might be helpful.

  8. Jane said on July 13, 2014 at 9:55 pm ... #

    Hello,
    I can relate to a lot. Of the comments .
    Although my story. Is. Rare – I had a double. Whammy .
    On august 14,2013 my husband after an argument pulled his loaded hand gun on me .
    I ran out of the house screaming and then called the. Police .
    Long story short – in jail. He committed. Suicide … That was sept 13th –
    8 days before that I was diagnosed with a gist ( rare form of. Cancer ) they removed a 13 cm tumor in my small intestine .
    It has been 10 months since his death , but I am having a harder time dealing with his death ( he was clinically depressed ) than my cancer – I am in remission . Because. The tumor. Was so large I need to be on gleevic a chemo. Pill. For. 3 years . I work full time. At the same. Place my husband worked … So people talk to me cause they think I caused his death . I am having a hard time .

  9. just me said on August 7, 2014 at 2:52 pm ... #

    married 33and a half years, went together two years and were just perfect together-both worked hard toward same goals just wonderful he was so loving; so supportive and a great dad to children I had from previous m arriage that broke up due to husbands adultery. told second husband I could never tolerate that again, and he assured me that would never happen. Both of us had serious heath problems that we nurtured each other thru- had a whole retirement ahead of us that we had looked forward to for so long– then the ax fell–missing all night–excuses that appeared to be dementia–was taking him to doctors–then serious abuse to me– on and on–I stayed until I was to frightened to stay, left but returned,, and then we seemed to get on right foot again when doctor took his drivers license because he said he was getting lost– then he’d steal my car and I had to hide keys that made him angry– well long and short of it was– had a mistress who was also married but her husband worked out of town allot and that’s when the overnight parties happened– then the mistress said “No More” and his deep depression set in and then he stalked her and things went really bad– and the man I loved no longer exsisted== I tried to end my own life and didn’t succeed, then family took him until I recovered but that was not to be because once I did took me about 2weeks–I ended up being the bad one as Dad never would have done that of course==so — He’s dead, I’ve lost love of two of my children who weren’t there to see it, and a sister who didn’t believe me either and who has helped perpetuate the “didn’t” happen story– so now I just feel “as long as GOD knows the truth and I know the truth as husband admitted all to me” I cannot worry or stress over others opinions that weren’t there to experience it with me as some in family did .

  10. Lillie mueller said on August 15, 2014 at 3:34 pm ... #

    I am so glad that I found your article until now I have felt there must be something wrong with me because I don’t feel like I am grieving in the normal way. My older sister died 18 days ago and so far I haven’t shed what I consider the normal amount of tears for her. My sister was very narcissistic and it was almost always about her. Both my husbands and I were always very good to her, and at times we suffered greatly financially because of it, but she was very unwilling to do likewise for us. The final issue was when I asked her for a scrapbook that I had put together for her several years before so that I could have reminders of her life after the cancer took her and was refused. I am very bitter even though this was my only sibling, and I am trying my level best to work through it and remember only the good things about her. I have come up with the realization that what we do in life stays with us through death and I’m going to try my level best to live the best life possible and leave people with good memories of me.

  11. Karin said on August 18, 2014 at 2:27 am ... #

    I lost my partner of 11 years to liver failure due to alcohol addiction on the 12th of July. Our elder daughter is ten years old, our younger turned four three weeks after he died. We were moved out (by the social services) in May, and I tried to get help for him, but detox turned into DT and need for sedation, and his liver couldn’t cope, so he died.
    The guilt I feel for letting him down what turned out to be his last weeks is devastating. The guilt I feel for not beeing able to help him turn his Life around also. The guilt I feel for not understanding how Close to Death he was, so that our children saw him only on his death bed when he was unconscious, is just as bad.

    I see comments about addicts being responsible for their own lives. But I have seen this with my own eyes:

    To demand of addicts that they themselves seek help is equivalent of demanding from a person with two broken legs to WALK to the hospital.

    Do not blame your loved addicted ones too much. That doesn’t help either. They are victims of a drug and of the capacity (yes!) for addiction, which is built into humankind so that we shall eat, procreate and care for our offspring. Addiction stems from the same mechanism.
    What we CAN do is promote life without drugs, protest when others drink too much or make fun of inebriation and addiction, show young people that real, deep social interaction is better without drugs, and teach our children that using alcohol to lessen embarrassment in social contexts is dangerous, because if one dares to make a move on a girl or a boy after a drink, the next time one probably will go with that method again.

  12. Monty said on August 21, 2014 at 6:39 pm ... #

    wow, this was refreshing in a sense. My husband was emotionally abusive and controlling after diagnosed with cancer (while I was pregnant)… there were so many emotions and hurt he blamed on his illness. He also had a child from a previous relationship. We had many problems due to them, but the things I discovered after he passed left me hating him (loving him, but oh so angry). People say how strong I am for going out and doing things but honestly, I was trapped for so long, I’m just expending the energy and yearning to do all the things I couldn’t. It is relieving. I love him and miss him so much, but living a life without being controlled, criticized, affairs, etc. is much easier than catering to him 24/7 while being treated poorly

  13. marysmith said on August 27, 2014 at 3:14 pm ... #

    i had an extremely difficult relationship with my mother, who never helped me with anything I needed. I was verbally and physically abused by her and my dad. They should not have been parents, I was depressed most of my life and her father in law molested me. She knew everything in my heart, I cried about everything I felt to her over the years and how she affected my life. At the end I was one of her caregivers, its so hard to say but she was suicidal and that problem was passed down to me and my daughter. no one can say mental illness and i need help. I do miss her and I wish she didnt have to suffer the way she did even after all the bad things she did to me.

  14. sara said on October 1, 2014 at 6:36 pm ... #

    It’s been 4 months since my Dad passed away and I realise that I am holding inside so many mixed and conflicting emotions about him and his death, I feel so confused and guilty and I feel like I just can’t talk to anyone about the emotions I’m feeling. I feel like a bad person, that I’m not grieving him properly, that I musn’t really have loved him or I wouldn’t be feeling like this.

    My father was alcoholic his whole life and up until my mother finally divorced him when I was 12, he would beat her very badly most weekends. Most of my early childhood memories are traumatic, I would often try to help my mother and she would scream for me to help her even as a toddler. When they weren’t trying to kill each other they were trying to kill themselves. I often had to deal with cleaning up bloodbaths, or finding my mother beaten unconscious, was held between arguments involving knives and almost died in a house-fire after an horrific fight between them.

    Despite all this I still loved my Dad. When he wasnt drinking he was a wonderful and loving person. I always hoped until the day he died that he would get help. I spent all my early teens trying to help and support him to stop drinking, not really understanding alcoholism in the way I do now. It’s so heartbreaking. Like someone above said, I don’t know what’s more sad, his death, or the life he lived. I thought I had come to terms with my childhood and I thought I had forgiven my Dad but since he has died I have felt so many weird emotions.

    I think I am still angry with him for what he did to my mother, for destroying my childhood and for not getting help. All through my life he wasn’t able to be there for me in the way ‘normal’ fathers are and deep down I resented him for this. Then I get angry and frustrated with myself for feeling like this. I know that he must have been suffering so much too and I also know that he loved me. I feel like I should be able to let go of all this but I am really struggling with it. It’s only when I’m alone I realise these feelings are there – I am racked with anger, guilt and shame. I want to remember the good times and yet my mind keeps thinking all these horrible thoughts.

    In recent years he made some changes in his life. I live abroad now so didn’t see him much but we spoke often, I know he became an amazing grandfather and was more involved in family life than he had ever been. I am finding myself feeling almost jealous that I didn’t get to experience this, and so I feel guilty for feeling like that too. I feel like I should just be happy that he had found some peace and for my siblings and what they got to experience with him. Last year for the first time since moving away a card arrived on time for my birthday, special delivery. I burst into tears I was so suprised he made it on time! It’s so hard to cope with these mixed emotions. I keep saying sorry to him, like I’ve done something wrong. In the months prior to his death I missed quite a few calls from him, his texts were so positive and full of love and kept saying he was trying to get in touch with me. I was so busy and under work pressure, I kept meaning to call him. Despite all the difficulties we got on well he made me laugh and I never doubted that he loved me, I know it hurt him that he couldnt be there for us.

    Just writing this down is helping me to get some perspective back, I am so happy to have found this article, thank you to everyone who has shared their experience.

  15. Eric Foley Saucier said on October 16, 2014 at 8:51 pm ... #

    All of life, and all that is in it is a gift from the unlimited Infinite mind of GOD; and the only way that life can go wrong is by the limited finite mind of MAN. {PERIOD AMEN}!

  16. Rebecca said on October 26, 2014 at 8:14 pm ... #

    Evening, I am not sure how accurate and updated this web site may be. I am a alcoholic divorced mother in my late 40s. My 2 sons are young adults, each living 1/2 the world from where I live. I am at a great loss and do not know what to do. Nothing emergency for self, it relates to a death of my sons father. He passed 2 days ago, my sons right now choose not to have e in their life. They and anyone of his family told me of the death. I happen to hear it through the grape vine. I first would care a response if this site is true, then I hope to continue on with posts. Thank you.

  17. Claire said on November 4, 2014 at 5:30 pm ... #

    Wow. Like many others I was relieved by dads passing on April Fools Day this year at 88. He wss physically, emotionally and sexually abusive. I left home at 14 because there was no protection there. I saw him bloody up my siblings and now they are pretending that he was a good father. I’ll never understsnd why they lie about what he was and now they are upset because I refused to be beat and molested. Good riddance biofamily. His passing brought relief.his crimes went without punishment and he lived much longer than he deserved. This site vindicated my lack of grieving for a monster.

  18. Linda said on November 8, 2014 at 10:24 am ... #

    My husband of 14 years was the true love of my life, my soul mate – he meant the world to me. Over the years we began drinking together for fun, at parties, etc. Eventually the drinking got out of control and for 2 years I told him that if he didn’t stop or at least slow it down I would have no choice but to leave. I had a son (previous marriage) that Ernie basically adopted as his own. I thought for sure that my son’s well being would trump the need for drinking.

    Things did not get better. I kept telling him to stop – or I would have no choice but to leave. Instead of stopping, his drinking escalated to the point where he was hiding vodka bottles throughout the house and couldn’t get started with his day without at least 6 shots!

    My son spent weekends with his bio father who is a great man, good father, mentor, etc. But whenever my son was gone on the weekends, things would escalate into brutal arguments, then things got physical. I had a gun put to my head, and was knifed once while I was hiding in the bedroom. Finally in September 2012 I was so bruised and bloody I called my parents to come and get me. Two weeks later, I moved my son and myself out into our own small safe house.

    After the separation, he assured me that we could work things out. We were civil and cordial and spoken often. He would come to visit and vice versa, but whenever we were together he was still drinking and I knew I could not return to that life. If I did go back, to him one or both of us would be dead or in jail.

    By December 2013 he became very sick with cirrhosis and was hospitalized. I thought for sure that this would wake him up. I visited every day… his family would visit at night. He passed away in February 2014 – exactly 9 months ago.

    The funeral was really rough. Apparently, he had lied about our ongoing cordial relationship and frequent communication. They all blamed me for him “killing himself”. I cannot seem to get past this guilt they have cast upon me. He was the love of my life, but the man that died was a stranger. I wish I could have done more.

    How do I get past the guilt and judgment passed on me by his family? How can I forgive myself for not going back, and thinking that if I did go back, perhaps he would have lived?

    I’m a wreck. Thanks for reading and I hope for a reply. Can’t stop crying from the guilt. If only…..

  19. Linda said on November 8, 2014 at 10:35 am ... #

    Rebecca said on October 26, 2014 at 8:14 pm … #
    Evening, I am not sure how accurate and updated this web site may be. I am a alcoholic divorced mother in my late 40s. My 2 sons are young adults, each living 1/2 the world from where I live. I am at a great loss and do not know what to do. Nothing emergency for self, it relates to a death of my sons father. He passed 2 days ago, my sons right now choose not to have e in their life. They and anyone of his family told me of the death. I happen to hear it through the grape vine. I first would care a response if this site is true, then I hope to continue on with posts. Thank you.
    ………………………………..

    Rebecca, you are NOT alone. I hope this message finds its way back to you somehow. You speak of your “son’s father”… is this also your child?

    Linda, Florida

  20. ruth said on November 30, 2014 at 4:53 am ... #

    I met a beautiful man in may this year on the 1st nov he died from alcoholism, i think it was end stage he let me in and saw me a lot more than many of his close friends i feel so lucky to have been with him, but he was so sick it was scary, he said he would be dead soon when i met him, and i read a researched every new bit of information about his condition i came across , i drank with him, i didn’t know he had cirrhosis until a few months back, it feels like he wanted some where peaceful to be and with someone that wouldn’t judge him, i miss him so much i cry every day i didn’t get to say good bye really he kept saying he was ok, but i knew the end was near when he had burst esophagus veins, it feel like no one else knew how bad it was or they just had given up, we were both 37 this is a nice site, I’ve been searching for something that makes me feel not so alone, he told me he was damaged and i should find a better man, but I’m so glad i told him i was falling for him, and was able to be with him, deep inside i know what i meant to him, but no one knew we were seeing ranch other its like he wanted me for a secret for him self, his ex wife kept his son from him, I’m glad i got to make love to him he said it went too fast i know what he meant now, I feel like this has changed me forever

  21. Jennifer said on December 16, 2014 at 7:40 pm ... #

    My mother died 3 months ago but I just found out by reading her obituary on line. Thank you modern world! Seeing it in print was devastating as I haven’t had contact with her in almost five years. My father didn’t tell me and has done his best to keep her from me and her grandchildren. When you come from such dysfunction you feel so terribly alone. I get no memorial, no ashes, no keepsakes, no final goodbye, no chance to say I love you or I am sorry. I couldn’t save my mother from my father and yet I know it was her choice. I knew I would feel sad but the grief is just overwhelming and the child in my still wants her mother. It’s over forever and I’m an only child with nothing from by birth family. Luckily I have my own wonderful family, and I feel the guilt for my mother and for being so sad and taking the time away from them. More guilt as I can’t give my children grandparents even when they were alive. There is so much sadness in the world and sharing helps.

  22. Robyn said on January 9, 2015 at 4:36 pm ... #

    My mother died four days before Thanksgiving, 2013. She was a good person who did bad things such as having multiple affairs, always putting herself above everyone else, emotionally abusing her family, verbally abusing my father, and so on. Nobody could deal with her but I. I have come to realize that all her physical stuff is mine (I never left home) and can merge with mine but that also the parts of her that I choose to keep (making dinner for family, giving gifts, etc.) are mine but I can toss aside the bad things (the cursing, fighting, etc.). I have become her but not the bad her, the good her that she should have been. My father does nothing all day but sit in his chair since she died. I can’t see him living much longer. He was always verbally abusive to my mother and to himself (cursing about every little thing). He beat me with his belt a dozen times at least as a child, painfully. When he was 65, he retired and went insane. In the hospital, we were shocked to receive a diagnose of bipolar disorder. While insane, that was the ONLY time I remember in my life that he hugged me, hugged my mother, kissed my mother (on the lips no less), and told us that he loved us. I can’t talk to him now (little to no response), not that I ever could. I’m trying to think what strengths I might retain from him once he’s gone. I’m not physically strong. I was unable to attract a spouse of my own but I’m emotionally strong and will carry on. I will feel relief but also great fear for the future once he’s gone. You don’t forget things but you have to let them go.

  23. Anna said on January 14, 2015 at 9:28 pm ... #

    I had a long and difficult relationship with my mother-in-law who recently passed away. She had many good qualities but also could be very controlling and attention seeking. She struggled with keeping confidences and although she appeared to have a heart for the “underdog”, she also created “underdogs” within her own family with her “good box” “bad box” approach to her children/grandchildren. Although a person of great “faith”, she had no compunction about damaging the reputation of others and turning a blind eye to her own flaws which got in the way of authentic relationships. She prayed often but judged so very freely. She had her favorites and could be very divisive. She was very compassionate at times to some, but could be critical and cruel behind the backs of others. She was indeed conflicted and difficult to understand. I appreciate the word “ambivalent” which was used because it’s exactly how I feel about her death. The relationship was incomplete and I’m sure that my mourning will be more about the loss of what might have been rather than the loss of someone very dear. I regret that things weren’t different but I also know that I will ultimately feel a sense of relief about her passing. Glad to have read this article. It is an attempt to make sense of how I feel.

  24. Elizabeth said on January 17, 2015 at 1:23 pm ... #

    Once you are all able to give yourselves permission to acknowledge your conflicted relationships, then it will bring you the peace it takes to see the many good parts of the person you have said goodbye to.

  25. Suzanna said on January 20, 2015 at 8:09 am ... #

    Hello
    I haven’t read a story here like mine but there are many that have brought comfort.
    I live in a different country to my abusive ex, with our 7 year old daughter. My ex has been asking me to bring her back to his country or meet me in another country but due to his past unpredictable behaviour and actions and threats, I haven’t been there since our daughter was 3. He came here to where I live when our daughter was 4 but it was very difficult and affected our daughter. Following my calls to a parents advice line to ask how to make things work for him and her they placed her name on a child protection list with the department of child health.
    Every bone in my body has been aching to take her back this Christmas, at least to see her grandparents there. I have such deep liking for them and particularly my ex’s mother, but I think they have awful opinions of me and have really only been privy to his poisonous word about me.i have missed them so very very much, and I have such gratitude for how his mum helped me when I was over there having our baby. So I Firstly have brief that has not diminished at the loss of them from my and our daughter’s life. The main reason I dogs not go over there is because he said he was coming her at Christmas and threatened things if I did not comply. On the strength of the that I took repeat legal advice, and prepared for his coming. He didn’t come and I considered going there, but apart from not having the money, the lawyer advised against it without legalities in writing to allow us to leave the country where he is.

    Last week my ex said his mother had cancer with only weeks to live.
    There is the possibility that this is true.
    Here is my grief. ..
    *I can’t talk to her and open my heart as she has a picture of who I am that is not me and it might be stressful for her or anger her
    *I have a lot to lose if I go there. … And the main one is my daughter would have to be pulled out of school and deal with an emotionally fraught situation that would probably not serve her well
    * if I did it would be more for her than my daughter (although she might Thank me years down the track)
    *Realisticslly I can’t go
    and that is devastating. ….
    ***….. This lovely woman might miss out on setting her granddaughter. ….I will have to live with the decision. ….I have inside me guilt that I may have caused the cancer as well as its exacerbation… If I don’t go I’ll have to deal with that
    * I have deep deep grief that this is happening to her and I can’t express it. .. Can’t say what I feel to her. … Can’t help her.. Can’t be taken at face value with her in anything I say or do
    … Am probably extremely hated by her family and maybe by her.

    So many tears shed in writing this. …
    I grieve or distance from them and I don’t know how I’ll deal with the grief if she really is this ill. I grieve quietly on my own.

    Thanks that I can share this.

    Suzie

    *

  26. Jason said on February 26, 2015 at 8:22 pm ... #

    Ive read alot of the posts on here and im feeling very torn between anger and love (i feel alot more anger) and i dont know if this post is for here as this seems to be after as mine isnt… my father is still alive and i have time to talk about issues that have kept us apart over the past 12 or so years. But i keep thinking about the what if’s and how i would handle it if the time came where something happened and these issues no longer had a chance of being resolved. But i cant at this present moment begin to think about getting in contact with this person as im still angry and i feel that later down the line this will twist me and turn me into a bitter old man… the feeling of that happening feels far worse than if he died as its then the people around me i care about who will have me as this person i fear of becoming! The sadness i feel at times over the what if’s is starting to chew away but i feel i cant resolve anything with a person who was never really a father but only held that title by law… i even walked away from all his side of the family the day i eventually turned my back on him for the last time… why cant my mind let go for me to move on when i can see whats going to become of me when it finally happens… i feel i should have no rights to be angry as this has been a choice of my own… but its the people around me now who i feel will see me go down this path that has been laid out… and that seems unfair!

  27. Mother said on February 27, 2015 at 2:52 am ... #

    Reply to Suzie

    Remember.
    You are a good Mom. You are doing the best for you and your little one.
    He was and is abusive. He is a manipulator.
    He has already tried to hurt your image and use what ever he can to manipulate you and things in his favor.
    Stay away and do not allow yourself to feel guilty or at fault for anything whatsoever.
    He caused all of this and probably would want you to think that you did, he will try everything to have you feel uneasy. He can’t hurt you anymore, he would you to believe that, but he cannot hurt you anymore, which is why he tries constantly.
    Do not feed into that anymore. You did the right thing in getting advice and letting authorities know at every time he tries anything that you don’t feel is right, no matter how minor it may seem. Do not ever visit with him alone. Do not bring your daughter to the country where he is. If he wants to visit, he needs to do it on your terms. He is a abusive person, do not allow him to manipulate you and reel you in. He will probably pretend nice until you’re in his reach.
    Protect yourself, you and your child come first. It is a great thing you are in another country.
    I promise you, you will be alright. You and your little one will be absolutely fine!
    Care not what his relatives think no longer. Who are they to judge or scoff. No one should blame you or fault you for anything. And if they do, if it hasn’t happen already, they will have things in their life that will make them know humility and humbleness.
    You must see about your little one and that is all you must do in life.
    A woman does not ever stay away from, nor is she afraid of a man if he is good.
    For the sake of you(of which you are now mother and child), you and your little one will thrive because you are away from the anguish, and as much as you may have tried to make things work, you must heal, get stronger, and tend to you now. know that you are doing great, your daughter will know how much you did for her and no one will be able to taint her. She will love you for creating an environment that is safe and calm. It will take some time, keep going, and don’t let anyone tell you or make you feel any way about your life. Stay there where you are and remember the safe and calm feeling you have when you’re away from the abuse. Never let that into your life again. I know you and your daughter will be fine. I am pleased for you. Because you are courageous, and because you know that you and your daughter should not be in a bad environment. You took life into your hands and you are strong. Dry your tears, you are a great mother! Every week, Go out for a nice time with your baby, Mother and daughter deserve it.

    Mother

  28. Anne said on February 28, 2015 at 7:39 pm ... #

    My brother has just died. We had a diificult relationship of which the entire family was aware. He was verbally and emotionally abusive to me since I was a child (he is 10 yrs older). Our mother was even more abusive to us, adding physical abuse to the mix. For most of my adult life, I have deliberately avoided him. In the past two years, he reached out to me and we we developing a semi-normal relationship.

    In the past year we had a falling out over something so silly that just got out of hand. His drama-seeking, vindictive, ignoramus of a wife promoted this ridiculous feud and we were still at odds when he died.

    I went to his bedside two nights aga and told him that I was sorry it was ending the way it was between us, that I didn’t hold anything against him and that I wished him peace. He was never a forgiving man and I could see that my presence was upsetting him (he couldn’t speak any more) and so I left.

    His daughter wrote me such a hateful message telling me how much she hated me for having the nerve to tell her dying father that I held nothing against him. It is truly absurd.

    I didn’t hate my brother–I just was not into letting him hurt me. We were trying to work it out–just too late and too much water under the bridge. Now I am viewed as heartless and find myself offering condolences to my sister and brother for the loss of OUR brother! He still was my brother and while I don’t grieve his death in the same way as most–his life and his passing meant something to me,

  29. Lee said on March 21, 2015 at 1:06 pm ... #

    I separated from my alcoholic husband late last year. He was mentally ill and abusive. I found him dead in our home about a month ago. I struggled for years to get him the help he needed and he refused. Underneath all that addiction and illness was a good person that I miss. I feel like I mourned the loss a long time ago while he was living but still struggle with guilt over wanting to move on and the guilt of being somewhat relieved. When we lived together I was afraid of finding him dead of alcohol poisoning every day when I came home. My fear was realized and I feel free of it now. But guilty. And very sad for the loneliness and darkness that filled his final days.

  30. Kim said on March 29, 2015 at 5:27 pm ... #

    Lee,I identify with your feelings. My alcoholic husband was found dead in his apartment after we had been separated for 5 months due to his alcoholism. He was once an amazing man until depression and alcohol took over. He had been dead about 10 days before he was found and had been out of a 30 day rehab for only 2 weeks before drinking again. It was devastating. I tried so hard for 6 years. I too, mourned the loss of him and our love quite some time ago. At the time of his estimated death we would have been married 25 years. Before he moved out I dreaded every day that he would die in our home with our kids present. He is at peace now but it is so hard and guilt is overwhelming that I could not help him. I miss the amazing husband and father he once was.

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