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Several emotions come over us following a traumatic experience, such as the death of a family member. We each find coping mechanisms to deal with these experiences – some healthy, some not. Working with parents and teens, one of the most frequent negative physical response to grief I have heard is the violent expression of anger.
Before diving into this topic, the one point I want to make clear is that if child is regularly expressing his or her emotions in physically or verbally violent ways, as a parent/guardian, you need to find support for him or her. In the form of a therapist (the right therapist, with whom the child can relate), or support group, or camp. Each child is different, but the end need is a support system to help your child get to the root of his or her anger and begin to address it, instead of letting it take over. With that in mind, I’d like to talk more about anger and aggression in grieving children and teens.
The reason I can connect with the issue, is I was once an aggressive teen.
There were years that I would terrorize the household, while behaving perfectly well in school setting. Generally, home is a safe environment. No matter what we do at home, no matter how far we push our boundaries, no matter how bad we treat the people around us, home will always be there. You can’t be expelled, like at school. You won’t be arrested, like in the real world. Family won’t stop talking to you, like friends can. Surrounded by this sense of safety, children and teens may demonstrate a more heightened sense of anger, frustration, and fear than they will outside the family environment.
While verbal or physical violent behavior is never acceptable, home is where children can be vulnerable and vent. As a parent, if you can understand that the behavior you see at the home is not necessarily because of negative feelings your child has toward you and the family, the better prepared you will be to work with, and understand your child.
Also know that while your child may seem to take the worst of his or her anger out on you, he or she most likely does not hate you. Most teens feel guilty and/or ashamed of their behaviors after an emotional outburst, but they do not yet have the coping skills to come back and apologize. As a parent, you won’t always get the apology you deserve. Your child does not know how to clean up the mess they’ve created. Rest assured these negative behaviors are likely stemming from something else. Unfortunately, the true cause can be under several layers of things… but there is a core to the anger. And your child can learn to cope with these feelings in more healthy ways.
All people, including grieving children and teens, are allowed to be sad, and even allowed to be angry. But no one is allowed to act out in violent or damaging ways. As a parent, you are allow to set those boundaries. It doesn’t make you a bad person. Every emotion is acceptable in grief. It’s the ways in which we express those emotions that are healthy or unhealthy.
Most teenagers do not like to consider themselves as needing “help.” They don’t want to be “rescued.” They don’t want to be different, and they don’t want to be told what to do. But, as the parent, it is your right, and your duty to say – this behavior is not acceptable, and because of this behavior, we are doing _____. The blank being counseling, support groups, therapy, whatever help your child and family may need.
As your child’s parent, you know him or her best. Take a moment to look at who your child was before and after the loss. Has his or her behavior changed, or are they acting out similarly, but in bigger ways? Are these all new behaviors, or are they heightened behaviors? What was the environment previously? How does that play into his or her reactions now? When is your child the happiest; when is your child most upset? What causes your child to lose his or her temper? Is it happening everywhere? Does it happen right when he or she comes home, or when you ask him or her to do things, or when siblings are around, etc? Explore these questions not for the purpose of avoiding the situation, and walking on eggshells around your child, but rather to become aware of the triggers so that you are not as caught off guard when an outburst happens.
While often difficult in a time of chaos, seek to recognize positive behaviors from your child. It is easier to catch someone doing something bad, and let the good pass by unnoticed. Pay more attention to the good things. Recognize those, but not in a patronizing manner. Don’t spend too much time on it that it seems fake. Instead, give a quick “thank you,” for helping around the house, or going out of his or her way to help you or a sibling. Be specific in your positive feedback.
By no means is it easy parenting a child who is coping by violent outbursts. Nor is parenting such a child cookie-cutter. These times are difficult, and trying. You and your child need an unbiased, trusted source, removed from each other, that you can each vent to. Explore what resources are near you. Seek out programs that engage your child’s natural form of communication (peer support, art, talking, writing, physical activity, etc).
If your child does not want to go, remember that you are the parent, and you make the rules. Initially, your child may be even more mad at you. But as the parent, you need to stay focused on your long-term goals. Learning to positively cope with emotion is the key to long-term peace for your child and your family. It may not be easy at first. But, you cannot continue to function in a home with violent outbursts. It’s not good for you, your child, or anyone else in the home.
Find the right counselor. Find the right format. Stay patient, and remember that behind the mask of anger, your teen is a vulnerable child in need of parental guidance and support. Even if he or she fights it in the beginning.
12 Comments:
My 2 year old is having violant outbursts. There hasn’t been a death in the family. So I’m wondering if it could be something else. Its been really rough for us the past few months. How old can a child be to see a therapist?
There are several factors that might be causing the angry outbursts. Without specifics or knowing the family history it might be in the best interest of the child for you to discuss with his/her pediatrician. The pediatrician can make recommendations on next steps –Pete
My oldest does not have an anger issue, but it has been brought to my attention from her school psychologist that she has developed a sense of unhealthy control. She needs to be in complete control of her surroundings and situations at school. How can I help her? I don’t see it at home, but it may be because I am her mother. She suffers from PTSD as a direct result of the car accident that took her fathers life.
Pete, I really enjoyed being in your red healing cirlce this week in the august camp. This is Matt and I really enjoy this website and reading all these amazing stories! I was cruising through this website and found your name and looked at the articles. I hope to see you/ be in your healing circle again next year
-Matt
Katherine,
If you click on the CZC button on the bottom of this page you can get my contact info. Please feel free to email me. I do have some suggestions that might assist you and your daughter.
i look forward to hearing from you.
Matt,
It was a pleasure having you in group and seeing what an amazing job you did. I look forward to many more camps.
who’s house…. RED’s house!!!
My husband and I were raising 2 of my 7 grandchildren until he passed on February 6, 2010. At the time, neither child was home when it happened. He fell in th snow on the side of our home. At first the children didn’t and would not talk about him. In time they began to open up but the oldest has become very angry. My husband has been in her life since she was born. She attends a children’s grief support group. My question: does she need more support or will time be enough to heal her pain.
I would like to respond to Joslyn: Take your granddaughter to a grief counselor – someone who specializes in loss, particularly sudden, traumatic loss. It is so important to note that time does nothing for the deep wounds emanating from a loss. If you had a deep cut, you would think I was crazy if I told you to just leave it alone and let time take care of it. Groups for kids can be so helpful, but you also need to be careful that the traumatic grief responses are addressed, which are very different from normal grief responses. And since you are raising your grandchildren, can I assume these kids have experienced other losses. I must close by saying how fortunate they are to have a Nana who is caring for them after a loss that you are grieving as well. I wish you peace.
I have a neighbor who’s wife passed very unexpectedly. She just fell dead at work. She was young and had two young children ages 8 and 10. The children never really have let go and cried. They don’t talk about their mom. We are there sitters before and after school while dad works and does his extra outdoor activities. We have noticed that the children when they are at home with their dad, are really taking a lot of anger out on him. They yell at him, tell him that he hates them, and sometime give small threats. The father doesn’t seem to see anything wrong with them. I think they really need some help grieving the death of their mother. Should we say something to the father? He is a really close friend, hes like family? Can anyone give any guidance?
Linda, i do think that your relationship with the children and father allow you to have a voice. I would recommend starting a conversation about the children’s grief needs. The children are dealing with a lot of change and need somewhere to vent that frustration / fear. I also feel that anytime a child makes a “threat” there should be discussion about the threat. The father might appreciate your concern, support, and / or advice. Please know that the father is grieving too and may feel completely overwhelmed by the death of his wife and the fact that he is now the “only” care taker.
When / if you talk to the father. Make sure that you totally listen to what he says. He is grieving and will likely model the behavior that the kids will adopt. Meaning, if the father is not talking the kids are probably not talking either. Give the father the chance to share all his emotions… be ready for a flood gate to open or for awkward silence. Both are appropriate… death is not easy to discuss.
I commend you for being fiercely devoted to the father and children. How lucky they are to have you! Your family has already offered a tremendous support.
I am so worried about my children. My husband passed away 7 years ago when our children were aged 3years (son) and 3months old (daughter), 2 years ago myself and my children moved into a new home with a new man I had developed a strong friendship with (hoping I guess that it would grow into love and we would be happy as a ‘family’ unit together) now 7 (going on
and 11 years old they are coping with the recent news that this new man in their life is no longer living with us as we have decided to separate. Though deep down I know this is the right decision for us, I am really struggling with managing all our our emotions on a daily basis. My son, who seemed to be at conflict the most with his substitute dad/friend, is missing him terribly, I have not stopped contact for my sons sake, though it is all a little strange and awkward given that they really didn’t seem to enjoy spending time together when he lived with us. My daughter is blocking this all out completely, changes the subject at any mention of it all, as she has always done if the subject of her dad or her dad’s death was raised. My son seems to have transferred his grief for his dad onto this other man, though different, still a loss to him, and basically we are all incredibly angry…at each other, at oursleves, at life. My son went to bed crying this evening (as he does most nights at the moment) asking me ‘what are we going to do mum?’ when I asked what he meant by that he said ‘…to be happy, how are we going to be happy?’ any advice appreciated, I am feeling so helpless.
thanks, Helen
My children lost thee father coming up to 5 years ago to a horrific accident of which they where the back seat passengers. There father died on top of them..They were both lucky to be alive hitting a brick wall at 69mph. Its been hard. It happened at xmas. My sons were4 & 5 at the time, and are now 9&10. Except every xmas they hurt as you would expect and you think i would have the answers.. But my son is so angry this year, hitting his other brother..other children..loosing his temper. He has always found it hard to talk about his dad. When it happened he wouldnt speak for 4 days, he was silent. I later found out his girlfriend had thrown pl;ates and all sorts at him before he left on the journey to bring me my children home. At the inquest we found he had taken drugs. Unforgivable!!! Why did she let him out the door!!!!! I hate her! The man my ex hit .. his arm was way in the back of the car with my son. Im struggling with this.. how on earth is my son coping. We have been to therapy for a few years now. Therapy has finished. Im thinking we need to go back.. Life is such a struggle, but we need to keep going. What am i going to do with this little fella that i love more than anything in the whole wide world.. my other son is struggling too. I need to get them thru this.. Any advice .. I loe them i hug themn.. buti cant bring back there daddy.. if i could id kick his ass x