Become a Fan!
Follow HelloGrief
Our Videos
By guest writer, Catherine Tidd
On my commute to work this morning (by which I mean my walk down to my basement office), I started wondering about something that seems to be a common theme with all of us widows: The ability to overcome what other people think of us.
When our spouses die, the surrounding public seems to think it’s their right…no…their duty to tell us how things should be done. They watch as we bumble our way into a somewhat normal existence after our lives have been completely turned upside down. The people we know patiently wait until we “get our acts together” and get back to business as usual.
Little do they know…we have decided to close that business in order to go forth like a hippie in the 60s on a journey of self-discovery.
We get a lot of advice from the people we know about what we should do, how we should live, and the decisions we should be making. Now, realistically speaking…these people usually don’t have a leg to stand on. Most of our friends and family have never raised children completely alone. They’ve never dated later in life. And most have never faced the hole that we now find in our lives.
In the face of all of these helpful tips, I’m reminded of some of the best advice I’ve ever gotten from my therapist: Eliminate the word “should” from your vocabulary. There is no reason why you “should” stop grieving at a certain point, even though some people expect you to. There is no reason why you “should” spend your life alone, even if it’s hard for others to watch you date. And there’s no reason why you “should” expect your life to go back to normal when deep down you know it won’t.
Our sense of normal has completely changed. The way we make decisions has completely changed. Most of us now make choices with the little voice of our spouse ringing in our ears. And it’s hard enough to think, “Well, what would he (or she) have wanted me to do if he was here?” We certainly don’t need the added complication of wondering what everyone else thinks.
I think most of the people we know expect that there will be a time of transition from being married to being widowed. What most people don’t understand is the change that occurs within us. It would be impossible to go through this kind of loss and come out as the same person. I personally think that the changes are good. We become more sympathetic to others and have a better understanding of what they might be going through. We are (hopefully) less likely to say stupid and thoughtless things just to fill dead air. And, thanks to the way we have been scrutinized, we are less likely to truly pass judgment on others.
I know that I’m a completely different person than I used to be. I may walk and talk the same, but my thought processes are completely different. That girl who would have been completely happy being a homemaker while she watched her husband’s career take off has left the building. The girl who so deeply cared about what everyone else thinks has taken a permanent vacation. The girl who couldn’t make a decision before she asked 10 other people their opinions is on a freighter to China, and we’re not really sure when she’ll be back.
That’s right everybody. That girl that you went to high school with, and college with, or have spent every holiday with since she was born, has changed. It’s not a bad thing. I think it’s pretty natural. Very few people have the opportunity, early in life, to really look at things…where we’re going, what we’re doing, and what the hell the point all of this is anyway…and decide what’s truly important. Death cracks open a door and gives us a glimpse of what is important in life. Some people choose to kick the door open and see what’s really possible, and some people just quietly close it so as not to disturb anybody.
Most of the people we know won’t benefit from this kind of self discovery until they’re much older. Think of it this way…what we have been through, everyone will go through at some point in their lives. It is impossible to get through life without a taste of tragedy. We just happen to be overachievers, and have gone through it first.
The good news for all of the people we know is that they’ll have a friend who will not say a word about what they’re doing, when tragedy does happen.
By guest writer Catherine Tidd; read more from Catherine at www.widowchick.blogspot.com
24 Comments:
Amen.
Thanks! I wish those married, divorced and otherwise single could read this to have a better understanding. We’re in a club that NO ONE else can understand about unless you are in our club. I know people sometimes mean well with their advice, but instead of giving advice, it would be so much better if they just asked how we are and what we need and really want to hear the honest answer. My gosh, aside from my struggles are those struggles of my children, especially my teenage son with no father/male figure in his life. People don’t understand how important that is. As much as being an “only” parent makes us stronger, it still sucks.
I am so happy I found your web page . I lost my husband suddenly 4 years ago followed by the death of my mother,father and brother.When i am settling in for the night, I turn on the computer and I feel like I have so many friends that understand just what I feel. I was 49 when my husband died and every group I attended had women 20 years older than myself.Thank you for my new found friends!
Amen to this article! I totally agree that, after being widowed, I have learned not to judge others at all, but instead to stop and consider the position the person is in, how (most likely) I’ve never been in that same situation, and I have no idea what I would do in their place, and have no right to pass judgement on the decisions they make. And, I agree with Tracey that is would be GREAT if those around us really wanted us to honestly tell them how we’re feeling and what we need. But I have found that, 4 years later, many think that my grief should be “done” and my life back to “normal.” Because of that, I still feel most comfortable with I am wiith other widows, because they “get it.”
I would like to forward this to everyone i know.. full stop.
Hey everyone! Thank you for your comments! It’s hard enough to accept how we are changing without “outside influences” isn’t it? One thing about this experience…it changes you and really gives you a glimpse of the big picture. What we all choose to do with that is up to us! (((HUGS))) to you all and I wish you the best of luck with your journey!
Thank you for putting your words out there. You said it perfectly.
The reader thanks the author.
I found this link on Facebook, posted by a family member who just lost her husband to the war in Afghanistan. While I hesitate to compare the two, I just lost my husband of 30 years to his mid-life crisis.
Each loss is painful in its own way and each one attracts painful comments from well-meaning family and friends but each can change us in a positive way.
I happened to make a friend just months before losing my husband, she had lost her husband 3 years earlier. I felt so sad for her and looked forward to our every meeting, to see how she was doing. When my husband passed suddenly one year ago, she walked up to me at his service and has been there for me everyday since. I feel blessed that she came into my life when she did. I dont know how I would have made it through, she listened to me cry and talk about my saddness hour after hour. She is still there. My oldest friends dont call much, they just don’t understand our loss. We shouldnt be widows with children left to raise, but we get up everyday and get through our day, laughing and crying less.
I found this site because I was dating a widower with a son who I was trying to connect with. Well, we have parted ways in large part, I beleive, because the man was not ready to accept me for myself, instead of a replacement of his beloved wife.
However, Hello Grief, and in particular this article has addressed many issues of my own Grief for the ‘loss’ of my mom to Alzheimer’s 10 years ago, and the loss of my marriage to divorce three years ago. I am at an interesting junction where my old frienships have all but evaporated, my two brothers contact me only on holidays, and launching into my passion (painting) has cause me much self reflection that has caught me off guard. I think really good things lay ahead, it takes time and if it not for new gleaming support framework available like this one, well… I would be very lonesome waiting out my own time to settle elsewhere and start anew. Thanks so much.
Ann–
I loved your comment. You’re right…this article isn’t just about change through grief, but accepting ourselves for who we are and letting go of the idea that we need the approval of others. It sounds like you are starting on an exciting time in your life. Congratulations on discovering your passion and going for it! It’s what most people dream of doing.
Best of luck to you on your journey of self-discovery. It sounds like you’re off to a great start!!
Wow! Beautifully said! Perfect as a matter of fact!
I lost my husband 3 1/2 yrs ago at the age of 52 to an abrupt heart attack at the airport as we were returning from a long overdue vacation. I held him in my arms as he took his last breath, and for that I am grateful! It has taken me this long to accept the fact he won’t come home any longer. Now I need to find “who I am”! That is not easy……
Lana–
It is NOT easy. But it can also be an exciting journey. I’m so sorry for your loss, but I wish you the best of luck in finding out who YOU are. Sounds like you’re ready. :>)
How true this is. I knew me as a me. Then I got married to the best person ever. I got to know me as a we and I was very happy with that. Now since my husband passed away I am learning the me all over again. There are somedays that I am not to happy with that because I still want the we.
Catherine! I’ve said this before, but now it is getting *quite* out of hand! *When* are you going to stop reading my mind and broadcasting it all over the Internet more eloquently than I *ever* could?? I mean, who died and made you the voice of all widow(er)s? Wait. Don’t answer that.
Utterly fantastic. Thank you!!!
Even though my Wife and I have not experienced what you have, we understand from a much different but, so similar tragic event, we losty our Son because of a incompetent truck driver. Our Son was an Officer and only 24 years old. It has been very difficult for my Wife and I and Jarod’s Brothers and Sister, we can never forget but, we try to continue a life as a Family, our closest friends know we are different, we have changed, what we see, hear and do on a daily basis is not and never will be the same,ever again.Everything you said I personally can see as now normal, we have become more simpathetic towards others with problems that relate to ours. And please,Stop asking us when we will be able to get on with our lives, because we have, you just have’nt noticed ! One day at a time.
This is a great article. At 26 I was widowed, then remarried 3 years later. At 31 I was widowed a second time. The first time I gently closed the door (as the article said) but the second time I kicked that door open and discovered life. The first was a US Army CID Agent, the second was a US Army Parachute Team Captain, and both were such sudden deaths that there was NO warning and no time to prepare. My biggest regret in life is that my children had to suffer through these losses as well–I could not protect them from these tragedies. We have had to travel the road to healing together and it made us such a strong family unit. It is a true journey of discoveries.
Dear Tom…
I loved what you said: “Stop asking us to get on with our lives because we have you just haven’t noticed.” Isn’t that the truth???? You may be moving forward…just as different people so others don’t see it the same way. I’m so sorry for your loss. Losing a child is not something ANYONE should have to go through. It sounds as if you have a strong family and I’m so grateful for that.
And Leanne…
TWICE?? How my heart goes out to you! You’re absolutely right…going through it ourselves is hard enough, but watching our kids go through it is double the heartbreak. I’m so glad that you’re kicking that door open. I can’t wait to hear what you find. Thinking of you….
Thank you for this post. I wait for this empty feeling that surrounds my heart and soul to begin filling, never up but just a bit less empty. My husband of less than a year died in my arms May 4th. The community where I now call “home” altho moved here to be with him, has been outstanding. He was a much beloved teacher and coach. All the articles and tributes make me even more proud to be his wife. But the greatest gift he gave me was his unused sessions in yoga. This gave me peace and calm during this storm of grieving. I not only will be working at the studio but it has become a mentally healthy outlet for me too.
Blessings to all who grieve lost loves.
Namaste
My name should have been below my Namaste
Joan
Thank you for the post! I’m blessed to live in a wonderfully supportive community and have amazing friends and family. My husband passed away almost 3 months ago. One friend said to me – but when you are with all of us it’s ok isn’t it? There was no way to make him understand that even with all of them, I’m still alone – there’s not that person just to make the eye contact with, etc. I had known me, fought it but got used to knowing the we – now it’s figuring out the me again – even when I still feel a part of a “we”.
The best are the girls that just show up with a bottle of wine, beef sticks and cheese – and bring their kids to play with mine.
Perfect “to go forth like hippies in the ’60’s’ on that journey of self-discovery.” That line caught me completely that is exactly how i am beginning to feel. Thirty-two years with someone and now I find myself asking myself “who am I”? Some days i feel like wow this is kind of ok and other days its like this is so not ok but i must constantly accept that my husband is dead and i must move through this grief. I never felt a feeling in myself whenever i heard or used the word “husband” yet now when i hear the word it sends chills all over me. My grief, It’s the elephant in the room and i’m the only one who sees it and feels its presence. I’ve got to just give time time. Thanks for this site it makes me feel less alone.
Thank you so so so very much for this post. You have no idea how comforting and relatable this all is. Thank you.