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Certain things need an expiration date. Milk, eggs, mayonnaise, meat, fish… there is a time we need to be done with them, and throw them away… I get all that. But does grief have an expiration date? For some reason, there seems to be an acceptable shelf life—6-12 months—and then grief should be off the shelf, out of the home and permanently removed with the weekly trash service. If it was only that simple…
The “grief expiration date” myth must come from people who have never experienced a close death – otherwise they would know the truth. Everyone fears facing such a loss. They are hopeful that should death touch their world, it will only take 6-12 months to recover. No one wants someone they love to die. So, until faced with the reality, it’s easier to think ‘this won’t happen to me, AND if it does it will only be bad for a finite, short amount of time and then…there’s an expiration date and it is magically all gone.’ What a wonderful world that would be.
I’ve heard time and time again there is a societal expectation to “get over” grief in 6 months, and at the longest, a year. Those who aren’t grieving believe it, and often those who are also believe it - this sets grieving people up for false, and ultimately disappointing, expectations.
The one year mark looms like some golden carrot over the heads of those who are grieving. It is a symbol of hope that if they make it to the one year mark they will be in a much happier and pain free place.
The reality is they won’t be over it, nor should they be. If someone spent years loving another person, the pain of that person’s death simply will not be removed due to a date on the calendar.
The opposite actually might happen – people who are grieving may feel even more pain in year two because the initial numbness, which often serves as a protective barrier at the onset of loss, has worn off and they begin experiencing the full intensity of their feelings and grief. This is accompanied by the realization that life with loss is their “new normal.”
I lost my mother at 9 and father at 12. I remember feeling the expectation of a grief expiration date myself. I remember being 15, five years after my mother died and three years after my father died. If I had a tough day missing my parents, people looked shocked, or avoided the subject, or avoided me. Sometimes I would hear insensitive comments, like “aren’t you over that?” Or when someone experienced a more recent loss, I would get “Oh, poor [so and so]. What a tragic loss. Aren’t you glad you are over that now?”
I remember beating myself up and doubting how well I was coping. If you allow yourself to believe there is an expiration date for grief, you will start to think you aren’t doing well if you still miss your loved one 5, 10, 20, 40 years after the loss. In reality – it’s normal. And it’s okay.
This is what I know to be true:
Grief IS a life-long journey. An emotional handicap you get up, and live with everyday. It doesn’t mean you can’t lead a happy life, but it is a choice, and takes work.
The frequency and intensity of those grief pangs/knives should lessen over time, but the reality is every now and then for the rest of your life, you will feel those pangs. Everyone grieves at their own pace, and in their own way. There is no one way to grieve, and no certain order, and no timeline. There is definitely not an expiration date.
Grief will take on different forms in different people. Not everyone cries; others cry all the time. Some exercise a lot. Others talk about it a lot. Many seek counseling or join a support group, and enjoy the company of a good and understanding listener.
If years after your loss, thinking of your loved one missing a special day or milestone in your life, makes you sad, puts you in a funk, or makes you cry, don’t beat yourself up. Allow yourself the ability to grieve the loss of memories not created. As long as the frequency and intensity of grief eases—even if it is slowly over time—you are coping in positive ways. Alternatively, if years after the loss, you can’t bear the mention of your loved ones name, you sleep all day, you aren’t participating in your normal everyday activities, you do things to “numb” or escape your grief, those are warning signs that you are not coping well, and should seek the assistance you need to begin healing.
Grieving in a healthy manner, taking steps to move forward, and rebuild your life with a new normal, doesn’t mean you won’t have those tough days or tough moments.
There is no expiration date. Grief never fully goes away. That doesn’t have to mean you can’t and won’t live a happy and productive life. What it does mean is the love you shared with loved ones lost, doesn’t have an expiration date either.
36 Comments:
WELL said !! I lost my Dad at 18 he was 44. My best friend when she was 27 and now my Mom , She was 67 and I am 47… I cried everyday for a year.
Grief is way to personal for each individual
My Husband and his family always think I am way to sensitive and emotional… They have never lost anyone YET…
They also live very quietly not Passionately as I see it.
So they can sit back and wonder why I am so emotional, I can’t understand the people that NEVER call because “You need your time” either..
Yeah , if I want to jump off a bridge maybe..I think YOU need to call and visit those during grief filled times to make sure they are OK..Just to let them know you care.
Thank you
Karen Brady
I lost the love of my life, my husband, in a tragic car accident this past November. He was only 46 years old, a passionate lover of life, an amazing husband and father to our son Jesse, who at 5 years old watched his daddy die that morning. I always knew how fragile life is…I am a cancer survivor as well as a survivor of many other personal challenges…all of those with “solutions” to some extent. The loss of my best friend, my rock, compares to no other. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t grieve this incomprehensible loss for myself and for our son…I, with no other option, have done my best to create a new “normal” for us, but our lives will always feel the emptiness of Joey not being here to share itall with. Just today, as Jesse peddled his bike for the first time without training wheels, I cheered with joy and cried inside that his daddy wasn’t here to cheer with me. I am grateful everyday that Jesse survived the accident, a miracle in and of itself, and that he is still a joyous child. I am grateful that I have strength beyond what I ever thought possible to survive this loss and move forward one foot in front of the other…that I have good days and good memories…but I know deep inside that my grief will never expire. That it will continue to transform as I continue to transform…that a piece of my heart and soul will always be reserved for my husband. Grief is unpredictable, and uncontrollable…when it visits, I have learned to let it stay until it is ready to leave, knowing that it will return in its own time. What I’ve also learned is that its okay to experience happiness in between and to live my life without judging it all too harshly. And finally, no one has the right to put an expiration date, or a judgement on my grief as it is mine alone.
Dear Lynne,
Of all the important things I learned at Comfort Zone Camp…Grief sans Expiration…was the most important concept to me!
My husband died suddenly & unexpectedly in 2003…
I should be over it …right? Not even close,as I try to put the pieces of our shattered lives back together.My children are having grief bursts w/more
frequency as they talk more about him.
I remember him as a “beaming” father & husband.He was always excited about our discoveries, accomplishments,always curious and studying.He would stand in the back of the gym & just “beam” at our kids with his arms crossed in front of his chest.He was schooled in a 1 room schoolhouse & was determined that his children would embrace life as he did…When life was over, I’m sure he entered the next realm with as much enthusiasm.But for us left behind it is a long journey to endure.Many bumps in this road.The permission to take time to feel this loss is very comforting & necessary. Thanks Lynne
This is so true. My husband died 5 years ago and people just don’t get it. They want you to move on so quickly. Bury your grief deep and then keep moving is the expectation…the questions about dating make me ill…This was my husband! I loved him so deeply. This will take as much time as we need. For my boys too…I had a school nurse look at me like I was crazy when we took a day off to remember his dad on the anniversary of his death…she said “wasn’t that a year or two ago, why do you still bring it up with him”. I always hope people will understand, but know that most the time the only ones that do have great loss in their lives too.
thanks for writing this!
Chris
http://widowisland.wordpress.com/
I just has an experience @ work-my boss called me in and told me that after 2 years i should be”putting this aside,other people here have isues not just you”.She went on to relate to me her sons “near death experience-he oded but survived.She clearly has never lost someone as close to her as a child or spouse or parent.my daughter died somtime between 4pm and 730pm-when my 7 year old granddaughter found her.I was @ work and got a call.i never saw megan alive again..and i have been consumed with making sure Kate is ok..I adopted her last year.I am just starting to realize how much grief I feel.my boss has obviously never lost a child.To see my dead daughter lying in a casket is something that wil stay with me forever..and watching Kate..as she said her goodbyes..no there is no time frame on grief…megan was with us for 26 years..the 1st 18 I will treasure forever,the last 7 0r 8 were torture @ times..but there was hope.no more hope lost in a second…and yes grief goes on..i have really goo das followed by really lousy days..and I know in my heart that grief is normal..Thanks Lynnne
At last someone who doesn’t think it is wrong to remember and long for those people who we’ve lost even years afterwards. My dad died in 1974, my mam in 1994 and my husband in 2003, I still miss them and grieve for them all and for the life they have missed out on. I have heard people say that divorce is “as bad as bereavement” and this makes me so angry, my husband and I were still in love on the day he died, we had no choice in our parting and if he was still here we would still be together. We did not part willingly and I am still his wife and always will be, death might have parted us physically but it didn’t kill our love. I also want to add that grieving over lost pets is another area where people just don’t understand, these are also very real bereavements and can be as hard to bear as the loss of human loved ones is.
Thanks, Lynne for articulating an important concept in grief, that it does not simply fade away and finally disappear. I used to question my sanity and maturity in missing my mother, whom I lost to cancer when I was 30. (I had a one-year-old and was pregnant with my second child.) It helped me to read “Motherless Mothers” by Hope Edelman and learn that she, too, experienced extended grief as her children grew up and missed opportunities to have a grandmother around. I find that grief sneaks up on you when you’re not expecting it. I remember welling up with tears at my daughter’s confirmation service when I saw a friend escorting his elderly mother into a pew at church – my mother would have been there if not for breast cancer.
As we pass other phases in life, I know there will be more grief for the missed memories they provide.
Thanks, Lynne as I go through this grief, of which I have been through with my parents when I was 28 and 30. I find that those that have not been through it have no idea how your mind snaps shut on the tiniest detail of your horror.
Ever been ironing, and here a great song? Or putting on makeup, and smell your Mom’s cooking? Then two years later you are putting on makeup at your Mom’s and you keep thinking about those sausage links? Or ironing and think about that old song? You did not spend two years walking around thinking about sausage links and makeup did you? what about a song and ironing? No, of course not!! We are not walking around filing these thoughts to bring out later. We are not walking around thinking, I need to cry next time I get a good chance.
I lost my husband,due to a misunderstanding he was not treated and was left to lay in a coma. As I was advised incorrectly he was dead. I contuniued to say he is warm? He is alive! This tortures me constantly. I am in treatment. But, those folks that are greiving do not share all they feel because you are about to go to the mall, you just cooked dinner, just took a shower, headed to the movies. We just keep it in. In my case, I cried when my son did not wake up and slept in for a few hours. I lay in my room and cried, afraid to go in and check on him. He is 17 and Summer is here. But my mind found it alarming that his was asleep. I panick and cry when I hear ambulance sirens. Sometimes I don’t even notice them, until I feel the shaking inside my body and feel my throat tighten. Then I hear the sirens. This is not a fun way to live. my daughter had to finish ringing groceries as i had a panick attack and was crying out loud in a burst of tears. People are all looking to see who hit me? They are asking, “what happened to her?”
maybe if they knew the gross details we save them from, they would realise they only see a fraction of our pain outwardly.
Lynne,
Thank you for really getting it.I lost my dad in 1998 I thought it would kill me…I remember praying, as I watched my mother grieve herself to death,for God to not let me feel that pain when my mother died. Be careful what you pray for. When my mother died, it was from sudden shock when her 1st grandson,OUR only son Michael (21) was murdered.He was killed at 2 am on June 25,2005…She died later in the evening at 6:19 pm after the news report on TV. His death has laid waste to our lives and when we start to cope again something tragic happens again. We hurt so much for our children. Both of my surviving daughters lost their husbands in the past 2 yrs. (ages 29 and 47)I now know this will take many years to cope again. My son’s murder is a cold case,and both my daughters have married new wonderful guys. We have 6 grandchildren. Every thing good that happens brings that pain of “what if” and “I wish Michael,mom,dad,Dwayne and Chuck could see this”…it seems to be a double edged sword. I hope to get on the right track to healing soon. PEACE.
You are right on the mark with this article. Teachers also need to remember that children grieve in patterns that can be totally different from adults as children can exhibit periods of seeming normalcy even right after a death yet they are deeply grieving. My husband died when my child was eight, and her teacher was only in her second year of teaching. She truly had no understanding of what grieving children experience and didn’t take up the school counselor’s offer to read information she had in her office. Three months after my husband’s death this teacher expected my daughter to be totally over the event. She actually said to me that “she doesn’t seem to be bothered by her father’s death any longer so I need her to be able to focus and make transitions…” We are five years down the road and still dealing with the fallout from her dad’s unexpected death. Are either of us prostrate with grief everyday? No, we aren’t, but as has been stated here, there will be those milestones when a dad normally would be present, and there is no possibility that he will be. There is also the fear that I, as the remaining parent, will die suddenly. Kids don’t expect that kind of upheaval even once, and they certainly can become anxious over a repeat performance.
People need to be more empathetic.
We lost our 3 1/2 year old grandson in 2006 in a drowning accident. I have used that journey through grief to begin to help others going down the same path. I like to think of myself as a “healed helper” – healed in the sense that I’m not where I was the day Hunter died. I agree with everyone’s comments – you never return to “normal” but there is a new “normal” for those of us dealing with grief and loss. We have a saying in our grief support group: “Grief shared is grief diminished”. Notice I said, DIMINISHED – not gone. Talking with others that have known similar losses helps to lessen pain but I believe it never, ever completely goes away. Dealing and healing in a constructive way (different for everyone) is so important but I totally agree with the “no expiration date” concept. It’s hard for those that haven’t gone through it and such a fine line sometimes. Very complicated.
I lost my beloved Mother this spring after fighting with her Doctors on her care and treatment…it boggles the mind how may times we were told to ”
just make her comfortable.” They felt like undertakers not Doctors. My mind knows we did all that we could, but I wish I could tell that to my heart. You’re very right though, no one who hasn’t experienced such a loss could ever understand the ongoing emotional upheaval to keep your head afloat.
This is exactly how i feel- my son was killed
9 months ago.. I was on site -did CPR- I could not
save my son… I have anxiety and I’m tired of
evrybody expected me to be ok… I’m not ok- I have to find a new normal..I love my family-and
we are all grieving differently. I’m numb find
it hard to work-I’m a nurse and it is so hard to
take care of others-when my pain is so great.
I found this site August 3, two days before my family’s private “memorial day”,and I appreciate this article. in 1995 we lost my twin sister to a car accident. She and I were 25.
Life has gone on. I moved far away, I have the life she and I used to dream about as little girls. every time I have a major life event, like my wedding, or the birth of my daughter, named in her memory,or a return to school to finiish a degree, I long to pick up the phone and get her opinion.
The article is very relevant. the initial overwhelming greif has faded, but there are always little “hurts” and that’s okay.
My husband died suddenly on the night of July 11, 2009. On the morning of July 14, 2009, my mother died.Before I had time to plan my husband’s memorial service, I was facing planning my mother’s funeral. In less than three day, I became a widow, a sinble parent and an orphan.
I was one of those who was hoping for the magical one year mark. I was totally numb for most of the first year. Now I asm an emotional wreck. My pain is almost unbearable.
i lost my husband steve unexpectedly on april 26th 2010. the cause we later learned was a blood clot that formed at the stint he had placed 7 mos earlier .i can’t begin to explain how lost i feel. we we’re married 26yrs (aug 25th ) he was my everything.we have two children 25 and 22 and one granddaughter 2 1/2 . i just can’t imagine living my life without him . i don’t even know where to begin.i’m in counsuling .and on some medication from my dr. some days are easier to pull myself together then others. people try to tell you how to greive. don’t drink so often or you’ll have another problem to deal with REALLY !!! if i have’nt formed a drinking problem in 45 yrs i probley wont now. i’m just trying to do what i can to hold it together right now i mean do people really think when you lose your soulmate,father of your children. love of your life .that in 3-4 mos time you should be all better and have a new life and routine figured out !!?? i don’t believe their is a time limit
My brother was 32 when he died but he was still my baby brother. It has been over 6 years since he died and I think about him in some way every day, sometimes a memory comes out of nowhere and hits me like a ton of bricks and I sob like it just happened. My parents, who are in their 70’s, have broken hearts that will never be mended. Their son died, no matter what age a child is when they die, a parent’s grief is heavy and nothing will be the same.
I happened upon this site after watching a Red Sox game when they did a feature on the CZC. I lost my little sister, Chrissy (31 years old)on Oct 20, 2007. She died tragically in a car accident and was a beloved mother of a beautiful 5 year old son Hunter. It was 1 month before my wedding. Needless to say, the wedding was beautiful, bittersweet but nothing like I had ever wanted it to be. This article is so true… grief has no expiration. I still have days where I think she’s not gone. It’s bizarre. My parents have been so strong through everything, essentially raising my nephew, which I think does their hearts good. I’ve been off and on in counseling which helps, and was fortunate to have friends and people around me (especially my husband) that “get it”. Chrissy’s friends was completely effected and still are- no one in our group of girls will ever be the same. Chrissy-was what I read in another entry here- a beaming ray of sunshine. Literally, the FUN of life left with her. Always laughing, smiling, not a care in the world. I also feel as someone else wrote- that we are all diminshed because she is not here. There are times when I think- if I live 50 more years, that’s 50 Christmases without Chrissy. So unfair. There is a facebook site that some of her students (she was a high schoold math teacher) created after her death. It is amazing and it also helps me- I post things there, kind of talk to her… one of her friend’s says it’s cheap therapy…
Summer is hard because she loved this time, off from school and enjoying the outdoors… It’s good to see that others are going through similar things … maybe we can all find comfort in that? Recently, when I have dreams about her and always wake up happier… at first it would be that twilight sleep, where you weren’t sure it was real and then rememeber and it was like it happened all over again. One helpful coping mechanism that I was told, is let the tears, rage, etc out. Because, if you keep it in, it doesn’t go anywhere- like a ball you are trying to keep under water- once you let it up, there’s no more pressure… that has helped. Thanks to all to share your insights, remember that no day is promised and the best way to honor their memories is to life a wonderful life. I miss her everyday, think of her everyday and hope she knows I’m trying to live and be happy…
My mom just passed away on July 31st. People think I’m over it. They think I should get over it fast. I don’t think I will EVER recover. Some people lost loved ones 10 years ago and they’re still not over it. My mom was a very sweet person. I just entered the eigth grade this year. And she signed me up for all the classes that I have and she won’t be there to help me. It’s very hard. And I get very upset when my friends treat their mom meanly. It breaks my heart. It’s just hard.
Jarrod, your posts bring tears to my eyes. I have a son in the 8th grade. His dad passed away last year, and we are finding some comfort in writing/journaling about our thoughts, memories. I’m so sorry for your loss.
I can relate a lot to this article. I lost my mom just over two years ago and I am stunned by the fact that society expects me to be ok. Nobody understands that my mom is still a big part of my life and she is almost always in my thoughts. I’ve cried almost every night for the past two years and my loss is still very fresh to me. It doesn’t feel like so much time has passed that she should be forgotten. I don’t think that that could ever happen. When people ask ‘how are you?’ without expecting an honest answer, I really don’t know quite what to say. I reply with the generic answer of ‘fine’ because I’m afraid that people will look down on me if I really tell them I’m not over my mom’s death.
This article is amazing. I lost my husband 8 months ago & have found the last 2 months have been a little more tolerable, only because I have made them that way. My 6 & 9 year old daughters keep me busy & we are active with counseling. I have accepted & admit that I still have certain days that are rough but I have accepted that he is in a better place, no longer here on earth suffering. Along with this acceptance comes guilt, my in-laws are still in the denial & anger phase of grief so sometimes it make me question so many things regarding the peace I feel. Thank you for sharing this article you have written!
I find this article helpfull. I lost my 22 year old son just 2 months ago. My only son. It was sudden and the waves of pain are unbearable. Im glad I read this because sometimes i think im losing my mind.It helps to know the reality of my loss is never going to go away and that however long it takes what i feel is normal. However much i want to cry in one day doesnt mean im going off the deep end. so many people who have not walked 1 minute in our shoes cannot begin to know what our life has become.there is no cure for grief.
Today it has been 2 years since my dad has passed away from a rare form of cancer. I’m so glad I found this site because I no now that this agony I’m going through is normal. Its crazy that I feel like I’m an orphan but am 24 with 2 children of my own. I’m ok sometimes but then others I just need to lock myself in a quiet room with a pen and some paper. To think my children already don’t really remember their papaw and it breaks my heart because he was so insanely crazy about them. Thank god for pictures. I’ll never stop grieving the loss of my daddy and he will be missed for the rest of my life.
Thank you so much for this. It was 6 months on Tuesday that I lost my Dad, somewhat suddenly but then somewhat not, to his(our) battle with Congestive Heart Failure and all of the comorbid illnesses that come along with it.
It was 3 days after he died that my aunt asked me if I had “made peace” with it yet. 3 days! Her question took me completely aback, and made me feel like I should be dealing with and processing my feelings much faster than I was (and than I still am).
After some other personal issues and upheaval in my life, I spent a morning back in the fall talking to the mother of a very close friend of mine. She’s a counselor, and someone who I’ve always trusted. I called her because I didn’t know who else to call. We talked about a lot of things that day, but what mostly stuck out in my mind was her comment that my aunt “has never lost her dad.” How could she possibly know what this feels like? Yes, we are both in the medical field and yes, we both deal with death on a pretty regular basis. But I’ve had to bury my dad, and she has not.
It was that one sentence, that one comment that brought it home for me and made me feel like it was ok to still be grieving then (only 3 months after Dad’s death) and still now at 6 months. “How could she possibly understand, she’s never lost her dad.” It’s my frame of reference. I will always be grateful to this friend and counselor who helped me to understand that grieving is a process, it’s a journey, and it’s going to take a very long time to feel “ok” again.
Boy, do I appreciate reading that grief never ends, because that has been my experience. My husband died after multiple illnesses in 2003. Part of me died with him – it felt like half of me went with him. Anniversary one of his death was rather dull, anniversary two was extremely difficult w/ flooding of memories of his last days, etc. It took 4.5 years before I felt like my feet were on the ground again, connected to the earth, and I still have tears when things remind me of his sweetness. I AM substantially past the ‘acute phase’ of grieving but there are always echos that come up. Beyond that, I have not yet fully recovered my energy, or zest for life, which was completely exhausted by 10 years of care-taking him during his denouement. Oh, I go to work every day, do my shopping, work in the yard – some, and have a few friends. But my bounce, or bounciness, has not returned – yet. I fully expect it to at some point, but it hasn’t happened yet. And that’s okay… I am happy to have a quiet life since it was way too full and complicated for so long. I have a refrigerator magnet that says, ‘Love never ends.’ That’s my experience, too, and it’s okay to grieve some more when I’m reminded of special things about Jimmie.
One of the best articles I have read on grief. I lost the love of my life on August 10, 2010. I am still grieving, sad, angry, lonely, cry everyday, and then sometimes in rare moments feel a sense of hope. I function at home, at work and with my 2 teenage boys. Life will never be the same and every day is about putting one foot in front of the other. I have been journaling and learning so much about myself…my strength and courage are forced to shine. I want to honor Sam by being strong, but somedays I wonder if I will ever feel joy again. It saddens me when close friends and family do not want to talk about Sam passing away and my grief…they think it is depressing and I need to be positive!! Unless you have experienced a loss, you have no idea of the pain and sorrow. I read every comment and my heart goes out to each and every one. I was touched to read comments by a teenager about his mom. We all feel robbed in someway by the loss of our loved one. We are missing out on anniversaries and future plans. I know my life will never be the same, but I do hope that grief will allow me to live each day to the fullest and look for something beautiful in each day, be grateful for the love of my life and appreciate the gift of loving my best friend. For everyone that commented on this article, my heart goes out to you and I pray we all find peace and comfort. I am going to print this article as a reminder when someone tries to tell me to “move on” and I should be feeling better by now.
I agree with you on delayed grief…I lost my brother to a tragic car accident when I was 19 and he was 24, and I was left the sole survivor.I was brought up close to my family, raised Roman Catholic, and Italian. I managed to be strong and help my parents, and they helped me in return and also my grandparents across the street from me.My grandfather passed away a couple years back, and now we are caring for my grandmother who suffers from dementia. I am also a gay male who suffers from clinical depression, but the pain of losing my brother still haunts me, and I understand the dark part…where I feel I am left in a dark world. You see life differently and it is hard to relate to others on a superficial level. I managed to work and get a university degree. My parents were hard working, and this tragedy struck at the very core of our souls. I did suffer from alcohol addiction because I had to repress alot of my feelings and be strong for my parents and carry on..so it does creep up to you…you somehow manage to survive,and live and try, and be with good and better people who you can trust, but its hard in this world.
I lost my cousin and lifelong best friend in 2004 to cancer. She was 26 years old and I was 28. This month it will be seven years since I saw her, hugged her, heard her laugh. Every happy memory in my life pretty much included her. Her mother and little sister were very cruel to me. They didn’t mention me in the obituary. They put one picture in the funeral slideshow of us together when we were children to represent the 24 years of friendship we shared. They acted like they owned the right to mourn her and I couldn’t possibly feel as much pain as they did. I named my daughter after her, to honor her and express my grief, and her mother and sister got angry at me, talked about me behind my back to my brother, and said I should have asked their permission. I have been so alone since she died. Everyone I know has an attitude of get over it and get on with life. I simply don’ t know how. Every holiday, every time I go through a difficult time in my life and need someone to talk to, it hits me just like the day I lost her. She was my only friend. I’m a very shy person, I don’t trust easily, I’m very odd, and I know that I could never find someone who would understand me and love me like she did. I just don’t know how to live my life without her. I never imagined I would have to. I miss her so much. I just don’t feel like I’m coping very well and I just needed to say these things in a place that is safe because I keep them all bottled up. I have nobody who will listen. I feel like, if after seven years I can still feel like this, that the rest of my life is stretched out before me like some unbearable expanse of loneliness and grief. She was the one person who ever really cared about me, the only person who knew how to get past my wall and really know me, she is the person I would have talked to when I felt this way, and she is gone. My husband lost his cousin this year to suicide and somehow I thought he would finally understand, I thought he would understand how much it hurts and how hard it is for me. I thought maybe I would finally have someone to talk to. Instead, he went through it in a very stoic fashion, barely even shedding a tear, as if to show me how it is done, as if to show me just how weak I am. Sometimes I just want to scream, but I just hide in the shower and cry silent tears that nobody else can see.
It’s so wonderful to hear others courageous enough to share their stories of grief,it’s definitely a process and takes time and patience on a daily basis,it’s sort of a wound that never heals.On February 14,2009 my cousin was murdered,he was 39 years old,shot in cold blood.We as a family are very close,and I grew up with him just the same as a sibling,lately it’s been very hard,I watched two of his daughters get married within the past year and have just received news of his first grandchild that will be born in the spring,it has brought up a lot of emotions for me,knowing that some of life’s long and great events are going on without him is very painful for me.It is true everyone does grieve differently,I like to talk about him and the beautiful dreams that I have of him,but my mother (his aunt) likes to hold back,sometimes it makes me feel not worthy enough to grieve or guilty for hurting,but I know that I have a right to grieve,because I loved and still love him very much,he loved me ,and I want to cherish him and his memories everyday of my life.This is how I move forward,and deal with the loss of a beautiful man.
My husband passed away suddenly just over 10 years ago. The grief I felt immediately after was so overwhelming that I thought I would die from the loneliness. About 11 months ago, I thought I was finally able to go on. Yes I know, 10 years is an awfully long time. But now, I am back in the same funk I was in before. I just cannot reconcile myself to his death. I have tried dating and I compare all men to him. I am lost and just do not know what to do. I tried counseling without any success. I don’t want to live like this but I just feel that life is not the same without him. It took me 35 years to find him. The one man that “got”me, that loved me no matter what. Now what do I do?
My husband passed away in a hit & run on the 10th of March 2007, he was 30yrs old. He was an avid cyclist & left early the morning to ride with a young friend. The last words he said to me as I kissed him quickly goodbye was ‘That was a lovely kiss Babe’. I was packing for the holidays the following week when I heard ambulances pass. Not long after a friend stopped at the gate, came in & from the look on his face I knew the ambulances were meant for my husband. I won’t forget my 14mnth baby daughter sitting deadstill on my lap during our ride to the hospital. I will never forget that day however hard I force my mind away from it. I felt surreal, in a movie. He’d been hit by a truck & eventually passed away later that afternoon en route to a better hospital. I remember the shock of the dr calling me in to a room with my mom & giving me the news, I remember everything in me dying that same day, insisting to my dad that I wanted to see him a last time & choosing to be the one to tell his mother that her son had died & my 7yr old daughter that her daddy had died. Its almost 4yrs later & the intense grief is still here when I allow myself to feel it. Today would have been his birthday. We were highschool sweethearts & my heart longs so much it physically hurts/breaks for him, he was my best friend. My Perfect match. My memories are bitter sweet, embracing them makes the pain worse. We have never found the truck but even if we do, time cannot be reversed. His babies are growing up-one sunshine little girl & one determined & beautiful teenage girl. As a Pink Floyd song says ‘I wish you were here.’ I miss you.
I lost my five month old daughter to SIDS. My husband never “forgave” me, and our marriage instantly crumbled. Three months after that, my niece passed away from illness. And my heart is broken in a way that very few can understand. The loss of my girl, the loss (not death, but seemed like it) of my husband and the loss of my niece all rolled together and broke me. I have not yet come to find normal again, because I can’t help but feel that nothing is constant and that everything can and will change at the unexpected drop of a hat. Many expect me to have gotten over it after five years, but the feeling of having my reality ripped from my hands has not yet left me and I don’t know that it ever will. I try to focus on the good things, but I am not the same. It is not just the loss of my child; it is the loss of my sense of order. I hope there is an expiration on grief, but so far, I don’t think there is.
My husband passed in 1998 (13 years ago) after our son was one. He had a stroke & had to go back home for his family to care for him in GREECE. Such a long way and I couldn’t go with him. My son (9 months old) & I went to Greece because they said he was dying but we arrived and he started to get better and ended up going home. We couldn’t stay and came back to the US after a few days. In 2010, I did some research & got the date that he died and a death certificate but now I don’t have a job or money to go & have any closure. I use to think I would see him walking down the street. My son has problems at times because he wants his dad and I, too, cry for him even still. People would try to set me up with men but I’m still not ready. I’ve waited all my life for this wonderful guy and its difficult to give him up so easily. When I look at our son I can also see his dad. Someday my son and I will go to Greece to visit his burial site and perhaps then I can start to live again.
Thank you Lynn for your article and all the people who shared. Sometimes, it comforting to know someone gets it.
There is no expiry date on death and you don’t just suffer the death of that person but the life you shared with them. When it is a family member or a close friend… no one really knows or can truly understand. A good friend of mine died in first year university at the age of 22 of a peanut allergy. My dad died the next year at the age of 54 and I was 20. I watched grief change my family. I lost two other camp friends who died young. Then I met my husband, his mom died 2 months into our marriage of cancer and he had already lost his dad. Thirteen months later, my mom died of a massive heart attack at of 63. We were both parentless in just over a year of marriage. As you can imagine, this has put so much strain on our marriage. My younger brother met a woman who had mental health issue and he alienated us from his life… He was one of my best friends. (That was 7 years ago) and he died August 2011 either of a drug overdose or suicide. So when someone gives me advice who has little experience with grief, I realize that they have no idea and how blessed they are. Grief sucks and the world returns back t normal where your life does not. I am glad I have moments where I remember the people I love. I am blessed to have such good relationships with people but I will never be over their death. They are chapters I return when I feel I need to remember who I was and how they touch my life. Some days… I just miss them and most days, I embrace the beauty of the simplicity of life and the treasures I still have.