How To Acknowledge Their “Death-versary”

Many people refer to the date of their loved one’s death as an anniversary.  I can’t bring myself to do it.  It actually makes me cringe every time I try to say it or explain what October 9th means to me.  The word “anniversary” has an intended association with joy, celebration, and happiness, so why would I want to acknowledge the loss of my beloved Zach with this word?

None of us ever imagined having to say good-bye so soon, so suddenly, so tragically to the ones we love, which leads me to believe that none of us are feeling particularly celebratory as the date draws near.  We all have that one day.  A day filled with dread and loaded with dismal realizations; our own person D-Day.  No, I can’t bring myself to call it an anniversary so “death-versary” it is.  Sounds a bit morbid, I know.  But how else can I honestly begin to approach this day?

October 9, 2012 marks the one year death-versary of my fiancé, Zach.  It is unimaginable that he has been gone that long.  I have alternated so many times over the last year between feeling like he was just here a minute ago and feeling like he has already been gone for four lifetimes that I think I have given myself whiplash.  Life has continued to go on while I feel frozen in place.  Days have come and gone, and yet I feel like nothing has changed.  Over the last year my friends have gotten married, had babies, gotten new jobs, found new boyfriends, and bought houses.  My crowning accomplishment is that I woke up every day and went to work or school.  I got out of bed.  Seriously? That is my accomplishment?  That is all I have achieved?  Is that really all I am capable of doing now, without Zach?  I guess I should see it as surviving, but I have a sneaking suspicion that my aspirations should be higher than just getting by.

Whether I like it or not, the first year has passed.  One whole year without the person who gave my life meaning and filled my heart with unimaginable amount of love.  So how am I supposed to acknowledge this day?  How are any of us, the unwilling members of “Club Grief,” supposed to recognize this day for what it stands for?  For most of us this day signifies one of the absolute worst days of our entire lives,  filled with loss and devastation, questions that can never truly be answered.  So how should this day be spent? I wish I had the answer, any answer, but I think every single one of us must slowly live our way into our own answers.

I truly believe that even among those grieving the loss of the same person, there will be differing opinions about how to approach this day.  Some members of the family may want to do something to commemorate the day while others adamantly refuse.  Throughout grief we are forced to constantly make decisions like: what to do with their belongings, how to celebrate the holidays, what traditions to continue on with.  These difficult decisions are ones that family and friends may agree with or firmly disagree with.  The death-versary is just another one of those decisions and one I am currently faced with.

As October 9th has slowly crept closer I have been questioning what his family and I should do.  My initial plan was to organize a fundraising event in his memory and donate the money to the school Zach had been working at.  He had recently switched from teaching to being the Parent/Teacher Liaison, a Social Worker of sorts, for a county with tremendous struggles and needs.  The resource center he created during his time there was renamed the “Zach Zone” after we lost him.  The teachers have continued his work and tried to fill the gaping void he left behind, but there are still many community needs such as food, clothing, and school supplies.  I thought organizing an event for this would be the perfect way to honor his memory, his life, and his work while giving something to the community he did so much for.

But as this day got closer and closer, my plan started to lose its appeal.  I didn’t think I had it in me to coordinate an event like this and his parents agreed it’s just too soon.  It’s something we would like to do in the future, but for right now it’s simply too daunting of a task.  Our grief is too fresh and too painful to take on something like that right now.  So now what?  I am back to the original question of how to acknowledge this day.

Should I ignore the day and just go to work and school like normal and hope it will be distracting?  Should I take the day off and spend it hiding under the covers?  Should I go spend the day with family and rely on each other for support?  Should I visit his grave?  Should we have some kind of organized service?  Should our family go visit the family of his best friend, who was killed in the same car accident?  Should this day be no different than any other day?

I think it comes down to this; whatever ends up being the final decision it will never be enough or give me any sense of comfort.  He is still gone and the excruciating pain will still be there.

So how will you acknowledge your loved ones death-versary?  How will you honor their memory?  Have found yourself ignoring the day in the past but feel ready to honor their life now?  The answer to the question of how to acknowledge this dreaded day only lies within each and every one of us, and it is my hope that we will all one day manage to feel some semblance of peace.

Krista Brenner is a Canadian girl who met an American boy in Costa Rica and fell in love. When that boy, Zach, died in a car accident, Krista began to write about her life and her loss. You can read more of her work on her blog.

72 Comments:

  1. Marianne Zinkewicz said on October 9, 2012 at 3:03 pm ... #

    Krista,
    I was very moved by your commentary and the phrase “death-versary”. When my husband died in May, 2010, I was devastated. It happened to be Memorial Day Weekend and since then, I dread the holiday. We were married for 40 years and I met him when I was only 18. He was my “Professor Higgins” to my Eliza Doolittle. He had a great impact on my life and for this, I will be forever grateful.
    So I remember the good times, the fun and especially the love. Over time, you too, will begin to heal, although he will always be with you: in your heart, in your mind and in your soul. Remember: we were blessed to have them in our lives, but we still and always will, miss them.

  2. Karen said on October 9, 2012 at 3:54 pm ... #

    Trauma-versary is another term to describe the “anniversary” of a terrible, life-altering loss. My condolences to you. That you have succeeded in getting out of bed each day is a success. Don’t measure your life against others. They haven’t been where you have been.

  3. Catsissie said on October 9, 2012 at 4:46 pm ... #

    A book I never read is titled, “All you can do is all you can do, and all you can do is enough”. I didn’t capitalize because the meaning is why I never forgot the title, it is that important. The love of my life died twelve days before Christmas, 2005. No one, obviously, wanted to mourn with me, not even his family, after the funeral. And knowing his crazy sense of humor, he would have probably been cracking at least one joke about the twelve days…but I still celebrate every holiday with Martinelli’s and do whatever I can to keep him near me. Krista, you don’t get over it, you get through it, and getting up and doing anything means you got through another day. If you bring to your life the same values your Zach had, every day, his spirit will live on. I try to do that, and it does help. I wish you the best, and that you will keep close all those cherished memories.

  4. Jenny said on October 10, 2012 at 12:31 pm ... #

    Krista,
    I too lost the love of my life suddenly. It has been 2 years now. August 12, 2010 is the day my life changed forever…never to be the same.I love what you wrote and appreciate you sharing your story. I have found writing to be very therapeutic. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Remember you are never alone…your loved one lives in your heart forever.

  5. Joan MacKellar said on October 10, 2012 at 5:35 pm ... #

    Dear Krista;

    Everything I have read that has been written is very, very special. I have printed them out, and want to have the time to read them again, and then to share with you my thoughts.Zach was so loved by everyone, that it is not surprising to read all the wonderful messages to you. Getting out of bed each day is a super great accomplishment for you,and what you have done since October 9th is something you should be very proud of. You carried on with Zach’s wishes for you. Much Love, Krista. Gramxxxoo

  6. Jim said on October 13, 2012 at 2:11 pm ... #

    Dear Krista,

    I am sorry about the death of Zach. Your piece is wonderful….. I wrote a similar piece on my blog: http://jilliansdad.blogspot.com/2011_10_01_archive.html

    Every year has seemed to be different on that dreaded day, but I try to do something special in the spirit of my little girl, This year we went on a date to a baseball game together, something we never got to do together while she was alive… Keep well.

  7. Marianne said on October 15, 2012 at 9:45 pm ... #

    Jack Lemmon says….. “Death ends a life, not a relationship” how would Zach want you to remember this day? Honor him!! XOXO

  8. Chrissy said on October 16, 2012 at 3:04 pm ... #

    Today is the “death-versary” of 3 months since my boyfriend died. I know how you feel. I think like everyone says is you should honor him and do things that remind you of him. It’s what he would want. He would want you to remember the good times! xo stay strong!

  9. Krista Brenner said on October 16, 2012 at 3:45 pm ... #

    Thank you to everyone for sharing your words of encouragement with me after reading this post. It truly means a lot to me and I appreciate each and every fellow griever for understanding where I am at.

    Marianne, it sounds like you had a beautiful relationship with your “Professor Higgins” and you are exactly right that we were blessed to have them and will be eternally grateful for the impact he had on my life. Forever grateful.

    Karen, thank you for reminding me that just getting out of bed is an ok accomplishment for now. I tell other people that their grief is their own, and that no one can tell them how to journey through it, but sometimes I need that reminder myself.

    Catsissie, it is so difficult when families disagree on how to grieve and I cannot imagine how difficult that Christmas, and every one since, has been. Holidays seem to lose their appeal once the heavy cloud of grief lays over it. Maybe one day I will find what I can do that makes him feel close as you do with Martinelli’s; some kind of tradition only he and I would know.

    Jenny, thank you for your encouraging words from someone who has been in my shoes. It is a difficult thing to put this into words, but I also find it therapeutic and do it in hopes of helping someone someday in some way. So thank you for encouraging me that maybe I am doing just that. I strongly believe we all have something to offer each other on this journey through grief and I can only hope to offer the same support so many others have given to me.

    Gram, thank you for being the best grandma, confidant, and role model a granddaughter could ask for. You are yourself journeying through grief right now after we lost Gramps in January so I know you understand the freshness of this all.

    Jim, I am glad you were able to find something this year to honor the life of your daughter. I read the post you shared with me and it is beautiful how you made the connection between her favorite color, Fall, and the idea of accepting “warts and all”. Thank you for sharing this with me.

    Marianne, I keep asking myself what Zach would want me to do or any of us to do. I need the daily reminder that I have to live a life that is honoring to him and to try to be the person he inspired me to be. Thank you for sharing that quote with me.

    Chrissy, you are right that Zach would want me to remember the good times and I do try as I am sure you do too. I am sorry to hear of your recent loss and am sending lots of strength your way.

  10. Vanya said on October 19, 2012 at 11:45 am ... #

    Hi Krista, this is such an inspiring piece and believe me getting up each day is more than enough. I lost my husband just over 2 months ago (1eth August 2012 in a motorcycle accident) Jenny this is also your “death-aversary” so sorry to hear about your loss. I thank God everyday that he gave me a baby and a beautiful daughter to remind me of Gerhard, I am 31 weeks pregnant now, and I nearly lost this baby because of the trauma, but Gerhard kept me strong and she is now a healthy growing baby. I miss him more and more everyday and just like you Krista I am happy with just being able to get up each day an go to work, somedays it feels impossible to move on, but when my baby kicks I know I just have to. Good luck too all of you grieving and I appreciate these “sharing” sessions it, in a way, helps me get through a few more days, without Gerhard.

  11. Sharon McKenna said on October 20, 2012 at 7:32 pm ... #

    Bill & I was married only 18 months. He died in a car crash, in my arms, in the car, right outside our apartment complex. I was awake for the whole thing. I was the driver of the car. Bill did not wake up at all. He died Jan 22, 2010. The 1st year was the hardest for me. Some one told me-I need to be Bill’s voice now & tell his story to everyone. That is what I do now. The 1st anniversary was at the grave site. Then I went out to dinner with friends to celebrate Bill’s life. My husband would not want me to be sad

  12. Mary M. Brady said on October 20, 2012 at 7:35 pm ... #

    We share many elements of loss. My son, Nicholas, was killed in a car accident with his best friend, March 11, 2007. That date will always be one of horror. Nightmares appear that remind me of this day. To memorialize it seemed wonderful. What could I as a mother do for others to never forget Nick? How could I continue to keep him alive for myself and others? To have that fear of losing him again became overwhelming. Other parents did not know what to say. I was the very person that they dreaded being. His friends were going on with college, jobs, weddings and children. I have done TCF candle vigil every second Sunday in December. Originally, this was done for self-preservation of my own memory. As time has passed, it has now become a small way to bring hope and strength to my small community. But March 11th, is the day that took my son before I was ready. I do not visit the grave-site. I do not make any plans. I make financial donations anythime to causes that I know Nick would want to make. I will always be “That Mother” that no one wants to be. My life has changed, but there are no time limits on grief. Time does not heal wounds of loss. There are no magic potions, doctors, drugs or specific steps. I pray you grow strength and courage to lean on others.

  13. Teresa said on October 20, 2012 at 7:42 pm ... #

    I lost my husband in Jan of this year, so the one year is coming up for me as well. I don’t know what to do either. I live far away from the rest of his family, so I will not be with them on that day. I am going to visit at Christmas, and I suggested a mass, but I am not sure if anyone agrees. I wish someone would just plan the mass, and tell me what time to be there. I think it would be easier. He died on Friday Jan 13th, and yes I thinked he picked that day. (lol)I struggle with the 13 of every month. Thanks for sharing your story, it makes me feel better knowing I am not the only one that feels this way.

  14. Freddi Armenta said on October 20, 2012 at 8:31 pm ... #

    My mother passed away March 23, 2011. My brother’s birthday.
    I get up every day and do the every day things for myself and my family but other than that I find that I don’t care about anything else. It is a comfort to know that I am not the only one who feels the never ending pain. It really does hurt.
    Sundays are always hard because that is the day we always talked on the phone.
    I can’t let go now.
    Thank you for sharing your story.

  15. Patty Printz said on October 20, 2012 at 8:36 pm ... #

    Krista,
    I too just had a “death-versary” Oct 10, 2008 is when my husband of 26 years passed away from a sudden heart attack. This year would have been our 30th wedding anniversary. When Oct comes,I feel such dread in my heart still. Even after four years. I usually spend the day alone shutting everyone out so I feel I can spend it with Rob. I look through the family pictures and go through the memories of our life together. I still miss him so much. I have several “friends” who think I should be moving on and sometimes I think I am. But then the over whelming sorrow comes back and I miss him more than ever. I hope you find peace in your walk down the path that you are taking. Remember to let the people around you help you when you stumble and fall, and you will , I know I still do. I pray for you and those who journey through the grief with you. God Bless.

  16. Bonnie said on October 20, 2012 at 8:50 pm ... #

    Hi Krista. On Monday, Oct 22, it will mark 2 years since I lost my wonderful husband to cancer; he was 43 years old. My children (2 boys, 12 and 9) and I decided last year that we would not spend that day sad and afraid of what it was. We would not ignore it either, it’s going to come and you feel it no matter what. We decided to spend that day honoring him and remembering him the way he lived…doing things he loved. We spent the whole day doing things he loved; we went for breakfast to his favorite place, we hit golf balls at the driving range, we went for a hike at his favorite spot, and had dinner at his favorite restaurant . All day we talked about him and how much he loved these things and remembering happy and funny moments of him. This was a great way for the kids to remember their dad and turn this day into something different. And that’s exactly what we are going to do on Monday too. Instead of memorializing his death, we honor him on the day this wonderful life came to end; we recognize the life, not the death. We all find our way of getting through this; but I hope that those who still struggle will find their way. It’s hard enough getting through a normal (??) day, let alone this day. Blessings to everyone.

  17. Beth said on October 20, 2012 at 9:51 pm ... #

    My husband died on December 15, 2011. I have booked a cruise for me and my sons that leaves on that day. We have decided that we would create a happy memory for that day and also do something we, as a family would have done all together. We are looking forward to the day because of the cruise. It seems to give us something happy to look forward to. I hope as it gets closer we can still feel like that. But he would want us to be happy and not sit around being sad. He isn’t sad, so why should we?

  18. Gina said on October 21, 2012 at 12:39 pm ... #

    I lost my husband to suicide Nov. 4, 2011. This will be the first year without him and I don’t know what I will do to get through this day. His 1st. Birthday without him was just in Oct. and we had a memorial mass and put memorials in the newspaper but it felt like living his funeral all over again. I am not coping well with his death. I lost my job as a bank manager because I couldn’t face work. I would cry constantly and have severe panic attacks. My co-workers who stuck by me in the beginning have all forgotten me and blame me for abandoning them with a new supervisor,(like that was the first thing on my mind). Our daughter (15) blocked everything out until now when she is not doing good at all and is now seeing a psychiatrist. So as you can see we are both living our hell on earth. If anyone could give me advice on what to do on the 1st. yr., i’d welcome any ideas. Thank you for letting me share and I wish everyone peace who are going through this horrendous time.

  19. Rhonda said on October 21, 2012 at 6:35 pm ... #

    Wow!! I lost my 13 year old son on oct 23,2010 and this is exactly how I feel!!! Thanks for sharing… His “death aversary”is coming please pray for comfort for me and my family .

  20. Lisa Huebner said on October 22, 2012 at 12:00 am ... #

    Krista,
    I lost my 16 year old daughter on 8/12/2011. On her death aversary, we went to church and the cemetary. We made yummy desserts that we knew she would love and attached cards to helium balloons. At her gravesite, we released all the balloons to heaven so my baby girl could see all the messages. I felt this was the best way to honour a wonderful, vibrant, and out-spoken young lady. Losing someone so tragically is the most difficult loss to bear. Just getting out of bed and facing the day is an accomplishment. You will find a new normal to your life without your loved one. Mine includes blowing kisses to the wind for my daughter. I talk to her everyday and I know she is listening. Cherish your precious memories and keep them close to your heart. Grief is a unique emotion in that you don’t just get over it. It won’t go away. The pain will lessen over time so I am told but it will always be there with you. Just keep putting one foot in foot of the other. That is the best we can do for now.

  21. Paula said on October 22, 2012 at 10:39 pm ... #

    My husband and I got married 5/14/11. It was the happiest day of my life. He is my heart. He passed away 10/14/11. We were married 5 months to the day. I miss him so bad that some days I don’t know that I can go on.

  22. Kathy said on October 23, 2012 at 10:14 am ... #

    Glad I found this blog

  23. Elena Falco said on October 24, 2012 at 8:17 pm ... #

    Hi Krista, Losing a loved one is the most painful, hearbreaking feeling that will always be there for the rest of your life. I lost my 15 year old son 3 years ago unexpectantly from a seizure in the brain. He was a healthy, vibrant young man. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t remember him. I write everyday to him in a journal. I remember the day of his passing as his new birth date. I, too, did not like the word “anniversary” for that day. I feel he is heaven & is around spiritually. Hope your memories with Zach will give you some comfort & peace.

  24. Mariah said on December 13, 2012 at 7:53 pm ... #

    Reading everyone’s stories and your story Krista, I felt comfort to know I am not alone experiencing all that I am going through. Today is the one month death-versary of my only sister. I will be attending Mass with my family. They say death brings people closer but in our case it just tore our family apart. My family blames her husband for her death as he took her to a clinic they felt did not have the proper medical care she could have gotten elsewhere. She died due to cardiac arrest. My brother in law is adamant he will not let his kids be part of our life as he does not want them to be exposed accidentally to my family’s anger he is worried because he does not want his children growing up thinking their father is responsible for their mother’s death. I have tried to explain to my family that the kids are young and need us and that they need to put aside their anger towards him and concentrate on the kids but that never happened. I feel when I lost my sister I lost her kids too. My family never accepted my brother in law into the family even though he was welcome at birthdays, anniversaries etc. They just didn’t think he was good enough for her for a number of reasons. I feel bitter and angry towards everyone because even when she died I was not at the hospital my mother instead chose to call my brothers (she always loved her sons more than her daughters and always relied on them) instead of me as she didn’t want me driving at 2am and she thought I would be too emotional in front of my sister’s kids. Can you imagine I found out only the next day through my brother who turned up at my door and told me. I never got a chance to hold my sister’s hand and say ‘hang on in there I love you I’m here’. The next time I saw her was lying cold and motionless in that coffin. I will never forget that sight for the rest of my life and I will never forgive my family for robbing me of that chance to be there for her in her dying moments. I have not accepted her death, I do know she is gone but I just cannot accept it. I envy those who can carry on with life and do things to celebrate their loved one but I cannot its just too painful even the smallest things like seeing her favorite restaurant, her presents she gave me upsets me. When I walk down the street and see someone who wears similar clothes or has a similar haircut I burst into tears. I haven’t worked in months and I don’t think I would have been able to get through the day I would have had to quit so in a way I’m relieved I don’t have to go out and face people and try my best to concentrate while at work. Friends who were living near me did not bother to come to the funeral except for one and that hurt me a lot. I’ve had 3 that have checked on me or visited but there is no one to hold me and comfort me I live in another city from my family and being around them in their house is too painful with all the accusations and the memories of my sister in that house. People asked me how they could help and I would have loved for someone to say ‘You know what? You’re not alone I’ll come stay with you for a while’. Instead I chose not to ask and said I needed help with errands instead. People from the Church helped with the funeral arrangements, friends don’t really go out of their way to help it would have been nice if relatives had taken care of it but they are not close to us. I do think that just getting out of bed and going to the supermarket is an accomplishment in itself. There are days I just lie in bed and days I just sit in a room staring into space or going through photo albums. Everything around me is a painful reminder, and the family conflict just makes it so much harder. I will never be the same again as I have no closure over her death I don’t know whether she died from the medicine she took for a fever or whether she wanted to leave us and I never got the chance to be there for her at the hospital. I am just numb and go through life everyday hoping to get out of this hell I’m in. People telling me that it was her time, that it was God’s will etc etc do not bring me comfort at all, It’s amazing how people are utterly clueless when it comes to consoling someone. I mean if God was so great he could have saved her and he didn’t. Maybe it would have been easier for me to accept if she was ill for a long time but she was healthy and her death was a total shock to me and has left an irreplaceable void in my life. My sister left us at a time we should have been celebrating- she died two days after her daughter’s birthday, three days before her own birthday, one week before me and my Dad’s birthday, one month before her husband’s birthday and two months before her son’s birthday. Our lives will never be the same again I long for the day when I will meet her again so this ache in my heart will leave me and I will be whole again. I have tried after weeks of lying in bed to keep busy by reading and watching comedies/tv shows anything to distract myself but every single night I cry and then the nightmares begin.

  25. Sherry said on February 5, 2013 at 10:56 pm ... #

    Dear Krista,
    So many emotions as I read through your article and the many posts of other heart broken people. We too… our frozen in time. In some ways it seems like yesterday and then like it was a lifetime ago. My 18 year old son was killed a week before going to college (2 and 1/2 years ago). The love of his life – really it is true at 18:) – continues to struggle so… such heart ache we all endure. I wish I knew how to help her as she feels all alone. All of her friends at the time went to college and she could not bear it. She has tried to go every semester and then changes her mind. Like you – she gets up everyday… tries to find the positive.. works .. and takes classes at the community college. I know from your words that you understand. Your words are honest, heartfelt, and encouraging. So, glad I came across this website and will pass it along. Getting up everyday and having purpose requires alot of energy when you are saddened.

    We still don’t know what to do… in many ways. I agree though about the term anniversary – which is usually associated with joy. These days are sure the opposite of that. This year I put lights (solar) and some red bulbs on a tree that was planted at a park near our home in my son’s name . While difficult at the time, it was uplifting to see that small, usually barren tree – lit at Christmas. It was the only one with lights. .. I smiled and then I cried. But, I felt like I had to do SOMETHING.. Thank you for your courage in sharing a loss so painful so that perhaps others may find some solace.

  26. Brooke Fuller said on March 14, 2013 at 9:03 pm ... #

    I am not sure how I even found your blog but I’m glad I did. Both of my parents died almost 3 yrs to the day apart. It’s been 3 years for daddy and 7 years for my mama. I always use the word “Angel-versary” when referring to the day they died. The two days I gained guardian Angels to watch over me.

  27. g s said on May 7, 2013 at 4:59 pm ... #

    Thank you for writing your story. I’m so sorry for your loss. I too know how hard it is to decide what to do on the date your loved ones die, because I have lost too many dear loved ones.It does get easier as time goes on but the pain never goes away. I try to remember my loved ones in ways that make me feel better. I pray that you will feel better soon.So sorry for your loss.

  28. Jackie Searl said on May 8, 2013 at 9:34 am ... #

    Both of my children passed,Alex in 1996, age 30 then Dan, 2000, age 39, Cancer & Heart issues. We remember their dates and refer to them as “going home”. We plant lovely flowers in their memory to honor them on this date and we also do the same on their birthday’s. We try as much as possible to make the boy’s passing a time of honor and remembrance that focuses on their life, legacy and dreams. Grief is indeed a process, one that cannot be rushed. My goal, after much seeking understanding of this new journey I am now traveling, is to move forward into a new reality, while honoring my boy’s memory and to reach out to help others as they find themselves on their journey.

  29. betty wheeler said on May 9, 2013 at 11:49 pm ... #

    I agree with trauma-versary…I lost both of my parents Dec 1 2012. Ironically they were headed to their 50th wedding anniversary party that was being when they died in a car crash. My brother actually came upon the accident and did identificaion. I got the call from him saying they both were dead as I laid pink wedding mints out for the celebration….that has been 5 months ago…each 1st day of the months sux! Also, every first holiday, special occassion, etc. My goal is simply to keep moving…try not to waste life & cry less than the month prior. Betty

  30. Liz said on May 22, 2013 at 11:08 pm ... #

    Thank you for your blog. I lost my husband 11 years ago to a sudden death from an aneurysm. I call the anniversary of his death “my sadiversary”. First heard that on a young widow website. Anyway, 1st year he was gone, I released balloons with my best friend by my side reading a memorial poem. After that, I have isolated some years, and now I just remember the love and special moments & cry if I need to. I am lucky to have friends that remember the sadiversary (Memorial Weekend). They call, text, or email me that they are thinking of me. I like that he is not forgotten to others and it is acknowledged.

  31. Betty said on May 24, 2013 at 10:19 pm ... #

    The alone-ness is all encompassing. I never expected to feel so much grief after two years. I feel I was doing better 6 months ago than I am now. I cry every day and wonder if I have any purpose for being.

  32. Marc said on June 25, 2013 at 11:35 pm ... #

    My wife was a wonderful cook. On the day,four years after her death, I held a small dinner party and cooked many of her favorite recipes. Doing the cooking kept me very busy through out the day. The day has really bothered me in the past, but this year, I feel like I took charge in doing the dinner/cooking that would honor her.

    Some of the people at the dinner knew why I was doing the event, others did not. But, it was a joy to see others enjoying her (my late wife’s) favorite recipes.

  33. LM said on July 12, 2013 at 1:32 pm ... #

    August 20th will be the day my little sister died of cancer at the age of 38 after only an 8 month battle. I am dreading the day, and like you don’t know how to deal with it.

    Thank you for your honesty, and for taking the time to share your feelings – I completely related to every word and it’s the first time since she died that I feel as if I’ve come across someone who understands where I’m at.

  34. Amanda said on July 16, 2013 at 4:05 pm ... #

    I am coming up on the 1 year anniversary of my daughters death. She was only 16, on her way home from school to get her pom poms for dance practice. She was hit head on by a felon who never should have been released from prison, and he was so drugged up it baffles me he could even walk to the car. For what would have been her 17th birthday, I held a birthday party in her honor. I made all the cakes and food, and about 50 of her friends came. We had a huge balloon release. Afterwards we all gathered around and I had everyone first tell me how they met her, and second a funny or happy memory that they had with her. It really helped me get through the day. The night before was a different story. That day, it wasnt about her death, but about her LIFE. On August 14th of this year, I am taking my husband and our other 2 girls to Disneyworld and staying at my daughters favorite hotel there. The thought process is being somewhere that was all happy memories with her. And hopefully we will stay busy enough. We have to face it nomatter how badly we dont want to. Some days I want to just cry, and yes suicide has crossed my mind more than I care to admit. But I have a 2 year old and a 15 year old that I am responsible for too and they have lost enough.

  35. Teresa said on August 14, 2013 at 2:01 am ... #

    I am so sorry for your loss. I lost the love of my life on November 11, 2012 – Veteran’s Day from alcoholism. As sick as he was, his passing was still sudden and unexpected. My whole world changed and a large piece of me died with him. I have felt like the walking dead the past 9 months, completely clueless on how I am going to continue on without him. It has taken a lot of energy to get through each day. Granted time does heal and things are starting to get better a little each day. I too am dreading his “Death-versay” mostly because every month on the 11th, is so very hard. Grief, emotions, pain, sadness hit me to the core every month on this date. I try to suppress the best I can but crying is inevitable. I am afraid that on the Death-versary the grief will be unbearable. To prepare myself I plan to take the day off from work. I want to thank you for your blog. Hug.

  36. Juliet said on August 18, 2013 at 6:54 pm ... #

    Dear Krista,
    I know you wrote this post a year ago; I have only just discovered it now. I’m touched by your words, and felt myself agreeing with everything you wrote.
    My mothers death-aversary is approaching; 2 weeks to go. Its the first year. She died of a sudden brain anyersm, we never knew anything was wrong. Its taken my a whole year just to accept that its actually happened.
    Like you, I was thinking of doing a fundraiser as she was supporting a school in Kenya. My dad and I are in the process of making it into a formal charity. But like you, as its gotten closer to ‘the day’ I dont think I can do it.
    I was wondering, what did you end up doing on this dreaded day? I dont know what to do. I want to do something, I dont want it to ‘just be another day’, and yet, I dont know what to do.

    Anyway, I just wanted you to know that your post touched me and my heart goes out to you.

  37. Mary said on September 4, 2013 at 1:11 pm ... #

    My best friend and soul mate’s one year “death-aversary” is next week and I’m still not sure how to acknowlege it. He was only 47 years old and he died unexpectedly in his sleep. I was away for the weekend and did not find out of his death until a full day and a half later. It was awful, we talked almost every day and I had no idea he was gone.

    It has taken me a whole year to come to terms with his loss and I’m still not able to talk about him without completely falling apart. I miss him terribly and I feel like I should honor him in a special way but I’m not sure what that should be. For our birthdays (our birthdays were one week apart), I released 2 decorated balloons in the air and I’ve also planted a certain flower in my garden in his memory. I would like to do something a little different but haven’t come up with a definite plan yet.

    Our relationship was non-traditional. We were not married/dating but we loved each other very much and we continued to talk every day even though I am married to somebody else. We shared a unique bond that was stronger than we ever imagined. Some people are quick to judge but I don’t care, I know what I felt for him was real, regardless of my circumstance.

    It’s been a very difficult year for me – I haven’t been able to share or express my grief with anyone, except for my therapist. I do keep in touch with his family and they have reach out to me a few times but for the most part, I’ve been dealing with the loss on my own. His passing has changed who I am as a person. I’ll always feel the saddness in my heart and I know my life will never be the same.

    I’m thankful for finding this blog – it has helped me realize I’m not the only one going through a difficult greiving process. I’ve learned that we have to greive in a way that works best for us and no one can tell you how it’s done or when it should be over.

  38. Joyce said on September 29, 2013 at 8:55 pm ... #

    My love’s one-year “Angel Day” is Oct. 4. I didn’t know what to expect, but as it has drawn near I found myself asking for the entire week off and then booking myself two nights in a Bed and Breakfast in the middle of nowhere and someplace the two of us have never been together. I will write, crochet, knit, hang out with my puppies (pet-friendly B&B) and just be. No sight-seeing, no tourist traps, just the beauty of this inn and the countryside. The day of I will be returning home and to what I do not know. The day after, dinner with friends and a possible party (where I will see another widowed friend). That’s the plan, for now. His grave is too far away from me and I don’t think I can bear any of the places we’ve been together. I also bought some local art pieces from an artist we both admired.

  39. tracey said on October 5, 2013 at 6:09 pm ... #

    my husbands, soul mates one year date is approching 17th november i ws planning a kind of get together at my house fireworks. balloons etc but now dont know if its right thing to do an how im gonna be on the day . im not sure if ive accepted yet , it is an effort to get up every morning an go to work . facing reality an the loneliness , although i do belive work saved me

  40. Maria said on October 9, 2013 at 5:54 pm ... #

    Hi Krista,

    Its October 9, 2013, a year after your death versary. I lost my fiancé October 10, 2012. I too emotionally, physically, mentally drained. The day has come. How should I or what should I do.

  41. Marie Simmons said on November 11, 2013 at 9:59 pm ... #

    My husband passed away suddenly in a motorcycle accident. We were newly married n I was 6 months pregnant. It happened at the highlight of our lives n we were truly happier than ever at this point. It’s now been 2 years n 5 months. I still struggle daily with my grief and struggle especially hard for my sons loss. On Carl’s anniversary of his death both years I have chosen to celebrate his life. I have a little get together, invite only those ppl that have been the most supportive to me n my son. We hang out n have a drink n eat good food. We talk n reminiscence about him n our best memories n the things that meant the most to our seperate relationships with him. This has really helped me. On this day, June 2nd, every year it is still extremely hard but being surrounded by the ppl that mean the most to us has really helped tremendously. I don’t spend the whole day crying like I would if I was alone instead I share a few smiles n laughs reminiscing about the person we loved. We celebrate him n the great life that he lived. I cry most everyday but on this day I instead chose to celebrate the good of what he had and what he was to all of us. On this day I try to remind myself he is in a better place n I think he would want it that way. He lived his life to the fullest.

  42. pauline said on November 13, 2013 at 6:39 pm ... #

    Hi there,

    I just came accross This page and I hope someone can help me , my husband was called to heaven (that’s the only way I can say it) on the 29th november 2011 from sudden death syndrome and the pain is not subsiding, I can literally feel my heart is broken, I have three teenage boys to look after and like so many of the other comments I think a good day is able to get out of the bed and get my boys to school and I go to work, but I feel so tired emotionally and physically. My husband treated me like a queen every day of my life and I am so thankful for that but he was only 45 when he went to heaven but my last words to him was “love ya se you later” and I never did, when does the pain subside

  43. Alejandra said on November 16, 2013 at 1:52 am ... #

    My best friend passed away on November 23rd, 2008, on his 18th birthday. It will be 5 years in a week, and I still cannot handle it right even though I tell myself that I have to be strong. That day always gets to me.

  44. Kristy Campbell said on November 19, 2013 at 11:13 pm ... #

    I lost My 18 year old son, Cody on February 23, 2013. He had a car accident, hit his head and wandered in a very rural area with temps dipping into the lower 20s for over 4 hours while local law enforcement (mostly volunteers), as well as his daddy and me, waited, on pinging his phone and on search dogs that were never used. He had had some disappointments the past few months, got into a couple of scrapes but nothing that anyone he knew was worried about. But it must have bothered Cody. For some crazy reason he became so distraught he shot himself. Always a good kid, never in trouble….WHY? He couldn’t see any way out and we ALL feel we let him down, they kept saying WAIT, we are gonna find him. But he had been in the woods all his life, he wasn’t afraid there and for some reason all he could think was he couldn’t go on. Now, I am trying to get thru the holidays without him. His friends, SO MANY have joined us time and again the past months to remember him-they are what gets me thru. I ache for several who were looking for him that night, his 2 girlfriends (the “first ” one who we knew for 18 months, and the recent one we hadn’t had time to meet) and boys that are first responders who were there, too. They feel so lost, as we do. We give each other comfort, most oftentimes, without really talking about him except to tell “Cody stores” remembering fun times. They are so afraid I will cry. So we are looking at February and the anniversary of his death. HELPING PEOPLE REMEMBER HIM is what I do, I beg them not to forget. I do get outta bed everyday and go on….because it would be terrible to not get up and go…. THAT AWFUL NIGHT I hit the ground after seeing him lying there. I thought “What am I gonna do?” over and over…and it came to me. I will make him proud, I will be strong. I won’t overreact, or make people avoid me.
    I help people remember him, he will have a funeral to touch all who knew him. They won’t forget. EVER.
    That is how I can go on. Love you Cody. So proud I had you long as I did. See you soon.
    Love, Mama

  45. Debbi said on December 3, 2013 at 1:35 am ... #

    I lost my husband 12/6/12, we were married only 33 days. Every day since I go thru all the things we did that day the year before. His birthday was last week, I wanted to do something to celebrate his, but his family and I do not acknowledge each other, my friends couldn’t cope with my pain. I feel alone in life, I miss him so much every minute of every day. The coming yearly date is approaching this Thursday and I am a wreck, I don’t sleep, I don’t eat…Everyone tells me “you weren’t with him that long how hard could it be?” I do not think time has anything to do with love…Thank you all for your wonderful posts, My heart goes out to everyone of you. I honor you all for going on..we must all go on in remembrance of our loved ones.

  46. J said on December 15, 2013 at 12:07 pm ... #

    I wanted to thank you for writing this so bravely. Almost a year ago on December 28, 2012 my cousin died in an explosion. I am having a hard time as the 1 year comes up and other things bringing up the pain of that day. His name was coincidentally Zach too. Hang in there and stay strong.

  47. CP said on January 15, 2014 at 9:57 am ... #

    I did an Internet search to try and find out, perhaps, why the date of death for someone near and dear is not so easy to ignore. Your story came up and I am glad to have read it and the many other comments. So many people do not seem to ‘get it’ when someone who was, in my case, my rock, dies before I was expecting. It was my father and while he was 72…to me that is was not old enough yet to die. He, too, got sick from cancer and died within months of his diagnosis. Me, too, as someone else mentioned, his death did not bring our family closer but broke it apart. The thought of such happening never even occured to me to consider. My dad’s death-versary was yesterday. I wanted to send him a note on a balloon or write to him in a journal I set up to help me with the pain of his passing. But I did not have once minute of time to myself to do so Life on life’s terms I guess. Perhaps come the weekend. I do appreciate everyone’s perspective on this topic. Thank you.

  48. janice said on January 31, 2014 at 9:24 pm ... #

    I love my mom on march 10, 2013. As her one year approavhes I find myself getting more and more upset. No one truely understands the pain you go through daily unless they have been through it. My mom is my best friend and I miss her terribly. We did so much together. I to wanted to do something special but as the date draws near I am not having the energy to do anything but visit her grave and watch videos of her. It gets better but still painful. I hope all of you find some releif in family and friends. My heart is with all of you.

  49. Sarah said on February 9, 2014 at 9:04 pm ... #

    Krista…my father took his life 2 years ago (2-10-12) tomorrow…I to am having a hard time with it because of circumstance leading up to it…stemming from 20 years prior…a family member put a wedge between us…he let it happen and now I will never have the chance to remove and heal our relationship.I use the time between my two jobs in the car to talk,yell and cry to him.I to want to do something for his death-a-versary but am at a loss as what to do…..just try to remeber the good times…last year I lit a candle and toasted him with his favorite whiskey…seemed right last year and will probably do it again…..

  50. Yvonne said on February 26, 2014 at 3:19 pm ... #

    Thank you for this. My boyfriend of 13 years passed away on February 27, 2013. That will be tomorrow. A year. Seems like yesterday. I still love him dearly and I am moving along one day at a time but every morning I shed some tears and then I pray for peace and healing of my heart. I have a lot of support with amazing friends…his friends as well as my own and my family. I miss you Don every day. May you rest in peace my love till we meet again.

  51. Sarah Richardson said on March 21, 2014 at 4:27 pm ... #

    In 8 days I will be celebrating the first birthday of my only son, Nicholas. Thank God for him, but why is it that all I really want is for my brother Nickolas to be there to celebrate? It has been 5 years since I lost my only brother, best friend, and hero. There is not a day that goes by where he doesn’t pop in my mind at some point in the day. I cannot, at times, even breathe, still crying for my big bubba. I will never understand why he had to go so soon, all I know is that a part of me died right there with him on that hospital bed. I have learned to keep living. None of that crap people say like, “Time heals all wounds”, or “Just keep your head up.” is true. I simply learned how to keep living and am still doing the very best I can. There are times I still reach for the phone to try and call him when I’m down about something. I hate that he is not here. I hate that I have to watch my grandpa and mom both go eventually without him by my side to help me through it. I am a teacher, so my students keep me grounded, along with my almost one year old son of course. But sometimes I cannot help but to just sit and cry. Cry about the good times and bawl about when he started getting sick. I relive it even though I try so hard to block that part out. I’m reaching out for kind words, similar experiences, and people who just try to sympathize. I miss you Nickolas and I hope God lets you fly down for Baby Nick’s birthday party in 8 days. Please beg him because Lord knows I have been. Nothing else to say except I love and miss you with every ounce of my being.

  52. Jessica said on April 8, 2014 at 11:33 am ... #

    22 december 2013 the worst this is the official worst day of my life! I lost my boyfriend the guy that meant the world to me the guy I wanted to spend the rest of my life with! The guy I wanted a future with ! he was just 17 years old and commited suicide the questions that go through my head are why why why? Why did he leave me here why ddnt he tell me he needed me badly n that he couldn’t handle things any longer I ask of ways like why ddnt I go to him the saterday when he wanted to see me mayb he wanted to tell me :( or why ddnt I send him a msge sunday morning to ask how his doing but no nothing! And there sunday morning 22 dec 2013 my bf hangd himself words cannot describe this pain and heartache I’m feeling thnkn of that day makes me sick to my stomach the day of his funeral I felt like dying right there! Sometimes I feel like commitng suicide too but then God is always there to pick me right back up thru Gods strenghth I am still here 2day n I thank God for each and everyday I’ve made thru without him I wouldn’t have been here 2day all I can do is give thanks to God n thank him that he gave me a chance to meet such an amazing guy although it was only for a short while but I’m very greatfull and I know my boyfriend is with me wherever I go I feel his presence sometimes n know that he is near.. I will ever stop loving him he will always own my heart! I just can’t wait for the day that I get too meet my baby again R.I.P Lando :)

  53. Anonymous said on May 4, 2014 at 10:54 pm ... #

    would like 2 know what 2 say when we lay our mom next 2 her husband at the his grave site.

  54. Anne said on May 6, 2014 at 3:48 pm ... #

    Tell a story about your mom. Use your fondest memories. x

  55. Deanne said on May 9, 2014 at 7:06 pm ... #

    Today is the 4th death versary of my fiancee Mike. He committed suicide on Mothers Day…May 9, 2010. The journey through grief has been unbearable at times. God bless the survivors, on their journey through the immense grief suicide leaves behind.

  56. Erica said on July 3, 2014 at 5:26 pm ... #

    I have lost a loved one[my mom] too and today is my moms “death-versary”.I was only in elementry school. It was the worst time i have so much i would like to ask her and tell her.It is only the first time i have ever had something like this happen.she died july 3 2013 over an overdose! I am now living with my aunt :[ then i did somethings that i am not proud of and she got tierd or trying and caring for me and put me in a childrens home and i am doing way better here and i have atampted to work out the problems between us but she and i are not going to try any more! my family is done but i have a new one and they have this thing called love , forgiveness,care,and they try to get to know me.

  57. Rachel said on September 1, 2014 at 3:55 pm ... #

    My sons “angel-versary” is next week. I wanted to find a way to help our family thru the date so I did a search and ended up on ur site. I have two other adult children and my sons wife and two sons to think about. I want it to be a day they remember in the most positive way we can. I love the idea of the helium balloons with each persons message to our beloved. He was always a jokester and I know he wants us to remember him with happy thoughts. My prayers are with everyone who has responded. We all are aching so bad. Things can be normal one day and crazy sad the next. Thank you Krista for bringing us all together to share our stories. Hugs to you.

  58. leebodding said on September 7, 2014 at 9:37 pm ... #

    I lost my mom just this passed april she died of liver, bone and lung cancer

  59. britnee gareau said on September 9, 2014 at 12:21 am ... #

    My best friend past away September 18th of last year. She got hit by a speeding motorcycle and I’m becoming more and more heart broken as the day draws more near. I don’t know what to do!

  60. Betty said on September 10, 2014 at 12:56 pm ... #

    I lost my husband on 9/11/2013 to melanoma within 10 days of diagnosis, so yes his passing is one year ago tomorrow. Ironically he was an airplane buff. On the roller coaster ride of lets do this and lets do that…a very close friend insisted on coming to spend the day with me so I was not alone. That was the eye opener I needed… NO, tomorrow must be as normal and routine as possible. I wish not to dwell on his absence but remember and be grateful for what we shared. It is what he would want me to do. The children and grandchildren would like to lite lanterns and that’s OK but I…will simply place one white rose on his grave.

  61. Karen said on September 18, 2014 at 1:14 am ... #

    Aggh, such a horrible way for all of us to be feeling, I lost my 22 yr old son on September 21, 2013…also lost his sister September 21, 1989 when she was born prematurely with several abnormalities. I am a strong woman and have had many difficult times in my 46 years, I have always maintained that the only thing that would break me is is something happened to my kids. I also have a 15yr old daughter which I cherish and acknowledge that she is now the reason that I try to keep it together…at least in her eyes. Well, now I have had to face the fact that my son, my friend, my confident and greatest support has been taken from me. I function, but only for the sake of others really. Especially for my daughter. I’m so broken but acknowledge that this is not what my amazing son would want for me. He was so full of life and had his own adversities to get through but always maintained a positive attitude and never complained. With the loss of his sister I strangely never had that feeling of great loss…not as I do with my son. Almost 23 years with him beside me through thick and thin have left me so numb inside. Others don’t see what I feel as i am now a master at the facade. I smile and am not seeking sympathy I think I try to make others feel comfortable once they are aware of my loss. I really don’t know how I’m suppose to be now, how I’m suppose to somehow form some sort of normalcy when nothing is normal. Again i am great at the facade. Sept 21st is approaching….I’ve purchased 22 butterflies to be released in the a.m. of the 20th….one for every year of his life that I’ve been blessed with. In the evening I have invited his friends to my house to celebrate his life and memory. We will release chinese lanterns for him at midnight. I don’t believe I have mourned or grieved or have come to terms yet with my loss but hope I can soon. Really not sure if its possible……I am forever changed.

  62. Olga said on September 19, 2014 at 1:45 am ... #

    Hi Krista,
    I also lost my fiancé almost a year ago in a very traumatic way. He committed suicide and as he was doing that, I was on the other side of our bedroom door trying to break in to stop him. I but I wasn’t strong enough to do so. Everything happened so quick. Their is not a day that goes by without that night playing all over again. On November 24th it will be a yr of his passing. Like you said I feel live I’ve accomplished nothing but to get out of bed and manage to have a smile on my face for our soon to be 2yr old daughter. His mother is planning on hosting a dinner with family and friends for that day also having a service. While I would much rather skip the day if possible sleep through it,

  63. michele said on October 28, 2014 at 4:36 pm ... #

    So sorry for everyones loss. nov 8th will be one year ago when i lost my ivy. she was 54 years old and had lung cancer that went to the brain. i still get very sad when i think of her . we were togeather 26 years. lots of memories i have to hold close to my heart. i am going to try to be strong on that day , but just not sure what to do!

  64. Val said on October 29, 2014 at 9:12 pm ... #

    Coming across your story was incredible. 1 year ago this Sunday nov. 2nd I lost my grandmother to cancer. I have been dreading the day for what seems like months. I’m filled with so many varying emotions that I can’t even articulate. Reading your story touched me. Gives me a glimmer of hope that my family and I will survive this heart wrenching day. We are going to spend the day as a family doing the things our nana loved the most.

  65. Hayley said on October 31, 2014 at 4:30 pm ... #

    Today’s been one year since my friend died. I made a painting for his family in honor of him but I don’t know what else to do. It really really sucks. He was only 18.

  66. Sandy said on January 12, 2015 at 9:56 am ... #

    I’ve heard some people refer to ‘that day’ as “Angel Day”. I like that better.

  67. Shae said on January 12, 2015 at 10:28 am ... #

    The 7th Angel-versary of my husbands death was last month.
    I can only state that it has gotten a little easier every year…but is still a dread date! That first year I releases balloons at his grave…filled with helium..tiny love notes…tied to each string…sent off to Heaven…years since I have purchased red roses (29…for the number of years he have me…and white ones to number the years gone by…since cancer stole his life)…I take a bottle of crown royal…unseal it…take a sip…pour some at the head of his grave…mix a drink in his favorite high ball glass…and leave it on his monument…
    It’s ok to spin your wheels in neutral..that first year…or several…no one can grieve for you…tell you how…or how long!
    Best advice…be kind to yourself…
    One day life will bloom again..the sun will come back…you will always love and miss him…but you can look backward with love and grace..and move forward with your own journey…;)

  68. Elaine said on February 16, 2015 at 1:24 am ... #

    The fact that I found this Grief & Loss site right now is mind blowing. Feb 26 is the ‘worstdayofmylife’ versary. 10 years ago 26 Feb we lost our youngest son.He was diagnosed at 20 & left us at 25. The quick answer is to Leukemia but it is really to a medical error. The mistaken medication was ordered about 1 1/2 yrs. before he passed but it took that long for the complications to finally take him from us. I still can’t use the words ‘he died’ or ‘death’. Before I forget I must mention that attending a “grief workshop’ did wonders in the healing . I highly recommend them to anyone. We still keep him ‘alive’ as we talk about him nearly everyday. We still have his cat, Dexter. ( Dexter now rules the roost). Mark rescued Dexter, after he chose him & he was filling out paper work we found out that Dexter was born the very month Mark had his transplant. Tho I’ve had set backs I’ve been getting better & better every year. Recently I thought I was to the point of complete acceptance & I wouldn’t have set backs . I had planned to place a memorium in our local newspaper on the 10 year ‘versary’. Others whom have lost kids may relate to this next note……. THEN on Super Bowl Sunday I was having a Great Day. I was fixing snacks & watching when an ad come on. It was the one ” I’ll never learn to ride a bike…. I’ll never learn to drive a Car etc….. I thought it was a commercial for a Car & then WHAM!!!!!!! The kids voice said I’ll never do these because I DIED!!! I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach. I cried harder & longer than I have in a few years. That day & the next were hard for me with occasional tears. I still can’t believe that they would make & show that Ad. Now I’m not up to composing something for the newspaper. But I will put something on my facebook page & send an email. As others have said. You don’t want others to forget that your loved one once was alive & that his/her life mattered. BTW during Marks 5 year battle with Leukemia/transplant &complications every night the last thing we said to each other was “Good night, love you, see you in the morning”. I still say that outloud to him every night. If others aren’t doing something similar you might try it, it gives me some comfort. What else gets me thru is knowing that he is in Heaven & free of the pain he endured for 5 years. Thank you Krista for this. Blessings to all still coping with the loss of a loved one/ones.

  69. Weegee Aki (Pelekane) said on February 24, 2015 at 10:28 pm ... #

    I lost my dad “Pele” recently on January 12,2015. It was heartbreaking.I enjoyed reading your story a lot.I’m sharing because we had our Dads funeral on January 30,2015.I want to make 1-year Celebration of His Life in May 2016 since the rest of the family wants to bury him with are mom in June 2016.He was cremated..They don’t seem to want to get involved because its to much time consuming and they want to throw it there way.So its me and my kids and Fiance doing this for the love and memory of our dad.He was loved by the men he worked with as a Cowboy for Parker Ranch for 50-yrs.The family doesn’t realize that our Dad loved and was loyal to being a Paniolo.Also he loved his fishing,diving,camping,hunting etc.My sisters and youngest brother doesn’t know all this…..The day of his funeral not many came because it was to far and traveling is hard.So I’m doing this one year celebration of his life to Honor my Dad,the Cowboys and the familys that knew him from Waimea,Hawaii.Its a time of Joy and Happy times and most of all letting go.So I hope and I Pray with Gods Blessing that my family come to terms of joining us on His Celebration of Life.Aloha for sharing.

  70. lucy said on March 18, 2015 at 1:10 pm ... #

    1st of April this year is the anniversary ..I have lost the love of my life,my husband and as I walk through the streets where we once walked together I find it so hard to believe it has been that long.I lost him to cancer..I don’t know what to do that day..Tears come and go very unexpectedly..Maybe I’ll bake his favorite..an apple pie take it to work ans share with our colleagues, we worked at the same place,and they all knew him and loved him..
    My heart goes to all of you guys, and I say to myself nothing is forever here not even goodbyes..
    We’ll meet again
    Love and peace

  71. Suzie P said on March 31, 2015 at 11:25 pm ... #

    Bless you my Dear, First,thank you for sharing your loss,I’m sorry for your suffering.My son,Corey at 22 years young died of a accidental death, Feb.11,1996.For many years my family gathered and we sent red heart balloons to heaven from the big downtown bridge in our city. One year I spent the evening,all night and next morning with all his friends.We played cards,talked,cried,ate & drank.By being with his friends it’s bittersweet. I love them all so much.I go to all the weddings,the baby showers,their kids graduations & more. I would’nt miss any of it,but it also reminds me of all Corey has missed.You are accomplishing a great deal by getting thru a day,one after another. You were very raw in 2012,I pray you’re doing better now.I hope to celebrate Corey’s life in 2016,not his death,as he’s in my heart,soul and mind every moment. I learned to live and cherish every moment I’m given.My husband died 11 mos.after my son,we will enjoy each other again,& that will be forever…

  72. Mary said on April 5, 2015 at 10:04 am ... #

    Your post has certainly resonated with me and so many others. I want to say thank you to everyone who posted. I just read through every single post. The feelings of other people’s grief, combined with my own, are staggering and heart wrenching.

    Today is the sadversary of my youngest sister’s passing. She left a husband and three children, a mother, two sisters, and numerous other friends and family.

    I miss my sister every day. There will be a piece of me that is forever missing. But, interspesed with my grief are still feelings of anger toward my sister. She made some very poor choices toward the end of her life that continue to affect her children. Her husband has made even worse choices since my sister’s death. Who does this affect the most? Their children, who struggle to understand why their life is so difficult at times, because it’s impossible for children to see the fuckedupness of their parents until they are adults themselves.

    I struggle with seeing my mother’s grief over losing a child and trying to be there for her grandchildren in a way that grandmas shouldn’t have to be.

    All I can say is it’s really, really hard with all these competing emotions. Sometimes grief wins out and I cry and cry. Sometimes anger wins out and I’m so pissed off it’s hard to acknowledge the grief. Maybe the anger is helping me to not feel the grief, since grief can be so paralyzing.

    I hope you have been able to get through the deathversarys a little easier as time passes.

Leave a Comment

Your email is never shared.

*
*

By submitting a comment, you are agreeing to our Terms & Conditions.