I Will Never Be the Same

My Dad died from lung cancer when I was 13 years old. That’s my “tag line” when people ask me about him. It sums up all the information they need. But for me, it carries a greater reality I felt when he died – that I will never be the same.

I will never be the same . . . as I was before. In some ways, I see life as a puzzle – every experience you have forms a piece of your unique puzzle. When combined, they form the entire picture of your life. My Dad took a piece of my puzzle with him, a piece that will never return. I am incomplete without it, without him. We shared memories that nobody else shares, which means he knew me differently than anyone else. When someone you love dies, that part of you dies as well. You can’t re-live that memory with anyone else. Your puzzle may grow, but you can never replace that missing piece. And because of that, I will never be the same again.

My view of the world also changed. Before Dad died, I was young, innocent, and naive. I saw God’s beauty in the smallest things – plants starting to bud, cocooning butterflies, the exact color blue of the sky. When I found a four-leaf clover, Dad laminated it for me to preserve that small wonder. When I had questions, Dad would answer them. He always had the answers. The world had infinite joys to discover and I had endless curiosity. Life seemed to go on forever and I never thought about death.

After the funeral, that all changed. I lost my parent, my hero, and my teacher. I thought a lot about death and dying. I still had plenty of questions, but nobody to answer them. And they certainly weren’t fun questions.

So I learned things on my own – great big things that I couldn’t have understood any other way. I learned the importance of telling people that you love them. Don’t ever let them wonder how you feel. Of all the things I regret, missing the chance to say “I love you” will never be one of them. I also learned to never pass up an opportunity to give or receive a genuine hug. When Dad was dying, I was terrified. I didn’t know how to act, what to say, so I sat in silence. He asked me, “Aren’t you going to give me a hug?” When we hugged, he started to cry. That memory has broken my heart ever since. He never should have had to ask. There are few words and fewer acts that can convey more emotion, more truth than a hug. They are the simplest, most perfect way to ease despair, to share joy, to demonstrate empathy, or to show love. Anyone who knows me knows that my hugs are free and frequent.

I will never be the same . . . as someone who hasn’t lost a parent. One of the hardest things about losing a parent is feeling that nobody understands. Even worse is feeling different and seeing those differences every day. When your friend shows you a car his dad bought for him, or you see how happy her dad looks to walk her down the aisle, or when they complain about something their dad did . . . you know you’re not the same. Your “memory playlist” is shorter. You can’t add more memories and you can’t relate to your friends with longer playlists. It hurts, it’s lonely, and there are some days you’d do almost anything to be the same . . . as you were, as they are.
But sometimes being different can be a good thing. At first with bitterness, now with acceptance, I realized that there is no promise of tomorrow. You are given such a small time, and you never know when your time will run out. Many people don’t truly appreciate this. How can they if they’ve never had to think about death? So treasure your life, make it worthwhile. Spend your life doing things that make you happy because you may not have the chance later. My life has been fuller, more beautiful, and more fun because I take chances that come to me. If my dad hadn’t died, would I always have played it safe? Would I have jumped out of that airplane? Would I have swum with dolphins or learned to scuba dive? Would I have hiked that mountain? Something tells me maybe not.

Because of my dad’s death, I will never be the same. I traded innocence and “fitting in” for understanding and appreciation. I lost my dad but gained something in return. Would I give up everything I’ve learned if I could have my dad back? I don’t have that option. The only option I have is to make those changes as valuable as possible. If Dad can see me, I want him to know that he’s still teaching me and still answering my questions.

Photo Credit.

183 Comments:

  1. Anonymous said on November 8, 2010 at 1:08 pm ... #

    Thank you for this story and insight. You are so right about this. We don’t have the option of having our loved ones back, but we can make the changes as valuable as possible. What if we all lived like this? What would our world and relationships look like? Beautiful.

  2. Laura O'Connor said on November 8, 2010 at 1:53 pm ... #

    Thank you for writing this article…I completely agree with everything you have said and can completely relate since I lost my Dad to Lung Cancer when I was 15 and it too has changed the person I am today but I know my dad is with me every step of the way

  3. Chris said on November 8, 2010 at 2:19 pm ... #

    Thanks so much for writing this. My husband died in 2005 leaving my two sons fatherless. It breaks my heart on a daily basis to see them growing and becoming without him. He loved being a father and they loved him so dearly. You are so right…they will never be the same. I especially like your point – that when someone you love dies a part of you dies because no one knows you as they did – this is such a struggle. Again, thank you for sharing your journey.

  4. Azuree' said on November 8, 2010 at 2:29 pm ... #

    Thank you so much for sharing this, my oldest is 8 and has lost her father and I often wonder how she feels or what she thinks. While I know no two people are the same thanks for giving me some insight…. I appreciate it

  5. Celine said on November 8, 2010 at 3:07 pm ... #

    Sharing this in so many ways helps others. My daughter lost her dad when she was 5 but now that she’s a tween the loss has a different meaning which she struggles to communicate to her friends and others. She read your post and cried, because you spoke what she is feeling. Thanks!

  6. Karen Brady said on November 8, 2010 at 5:37 pm ... #

    Beautiful article and so true and touching. Thank you for writing something so many of us feel but can’t quite put it so eloquently. Lost my dad when I was 18. I still miss him , now I find him in the smiles and laughter of my son’s and the changing of the seasons..

  7. Susan said on November 8, 2010 at 5:41 pm ... #

    Thank you for writing this. I lost my Dad 4 years ago when I was 35 but, I feel just like the 13 year old girl in this article. I was 6 months pregnant with his first grandchild that he never met. My Dad wanted more than anything to be a Grandfather. I’m still learning how to move forward down the path that I have been given and I am hoping that the struggles become easier as time goes on.

  8. Danielle said on November 8, 2010 at 11:55 pm ... #

    I am humbled by your kind comments. Thank you so very much. ~Danielle

  9. Tamara said on November 9, 2010 at 1:12 am ... #

    Thank you for sharing this article. My daughter is 11 yrs old and your article says almost exactly what she tried to convey to me through tears last week. We lost her dad to cancer 10 months ago.

  10. asia said on January 14, 2011 at 8:28 pm ... #

    I lost my dad to cancer 5 moths ago this is how i feel and i hate that everyone doesn’t understand me thank you for writing this so i can show my mom so she can see how i feel.

  11. Prestina said on January 17, 2011 at 5:23 pm ... #

    Thank you for writing this article. I agree with you completely. My father died almost 2 months ago on thanksgiving day. I had a feeling all week long that I needed to visit my dad. I made it home the night before. Although he wasn’t coherent until a few minutes before he died. But when he was we were able to look at each other one last time, Even though I didn’t know it.

    I had all these plans to spend time with him before he passed away. I took to long, but at least I made it home before he passed. Like your father, mine took a piece of me I can’t get back. I guess he took that piece so I can see/feel what I am missing in life. All the things I ever wanted to do, but never adventured to do. The only thing now is I don’t know what direction to take or what path to choose Everything looks scary and adventurous.

    I didn’t think anyone could relate to me. I’m glad I found kindred spirits here in spite of the circumstances

  12. Stacey said on January 21, 2011 at 3:23 am ... #

    Thank you for sharing. I have many days where I feel blessed to have just had my father in my life, and others where I still feel so bitter about the experience. I lost my father two years and four months ago when I was eighteen during my first semester of college. For the past two years I have been in and out of counseling and letting my life slip away before me. When I look in the mirror everyday I see my fathers eyes looking back at me and am ashamed in the way I’ve been wasting my life when he devoted his to my family. I would never give up the time I spent with my father or the many lessons he taught me but am still struggling with accepting his loss and moving on from everything. Thank you again for sharing. I am hoping that I can soon find my place in this world and stop correlating losing my father with the loss of myself but am happy to find people who are able to move on and make some sense of the world.

  13. Danielle said on January 26, 2011 at 1:33 pm ... #

    Asia – I’m glad it helped. There are always people here who can relate to your pain…

    Stacey and Pristina – Your comments really moved me, thank you for being so open. It’s always comforting to find others who can relate. You might be interested to see another article I wrote that I think will be published here next month. It talks about taking that leap into living again.

  14. Anonymous said on January 29, 2011 at 12:08 am ... #

    My dad died when I was 12 (16 now) so I understand not a day goes by that I don’t think about him. My dads favorite instrument was the trumpet I started playing it and now music is my way of honoring him

  15. Nikki said on February 8, 2011 at 8:08 am ... #

    I understand where you are coming from. I feel the exact same way about my sister. She died 11 years ago when i was five. And i think that if she hadnt died i wouldnt be doing i was doing. I got pregnant when i was 13. BUt i lost my baby and that made me feel even worst. I started doing drugs at that time and i started to be with anybody who wanted to be with me and no matter in what way. Weather he just wanted sex or a relationship. I was in foster since i was a baby and my sister died when we were in our 26th home. Now im adopted but i still dont act right. I am now put away. And i just cant take being in here anymore. I think of my sister everytime im just sitting around. My sister was the only one who i thought really cared about me. And i feel empty without her.

  16. Anna said on February 16, 2011 at 4:27 am ... #

    you expressed it all so well.
    i lost my dad 3 yr 7 months ago n i feel like im not the same n never will be again. part of me went with him. theres something every day that makes me think of him n wish he was still here.
    i learned so much from him. i know he would want me to get on with life n not waste itso thats what im tryin to do.
    but its very very hard…..

  17. Eleanor Becker said on March 6, 2011 at 11:52 am ... #

    My father passed away on 23 January 2011 and his funeral was on the 28th of January. That night my boyfriend’s father was murdered. I will never be the same person. It is like a different world was opened inside of me that nobody is part of. I do not even try to explain myself to no one because I know they will never understand how I feel. I have this empty feeling inside me……

  18. Joann Driggs said on March 7, 2011 at 2:19 pm ... #

    Thank you so very much for your story. I found it as I was looking for some help regarding some issues I’m currently facing in my life that I believe, are present because I never properly grieved my father’s death.

    Your first sentence struck me because I was 12 when my father died of lung cancer. I am 53 now and I believe I’ve developed a bit of a pathology in regards to insecurites. Any help you can give would be much appreciated.

  19. anon said on March 7, 2011 at 6:48 pm ... #

    Your article is so true, I see so much of what I feel in it. My dad died 5 years ago when I was 14 and even writing that is scary- it doesn’t feel like 5 years. I entirely agree with the feeling that everyone around you is different because when you lose a parent it’s as though someone has taken away this massive security blanket you had against the world and now you have to fend for yourself. When I went to uni this year a lot of the grief I had suffered in the past started coming back triggered by new feelings of loneliness (even though I have good friendship groups here and am never really alone, you still get lonely when you leave the family home). Knowing that he never saw me pass my exams or get to uni is really hard, but in some ways helps me. When someone isn’t there to tell you they’re proud of you you work extra hard to make sure that they are. That also applies to what you said about taking risks: I was always terrified of heights but this year abseiled down a building to raise money for charity, I started doing public speaking and presenting for a radio station even though I was previously very shy and never spoke in public. In some ways my dad’s death really knocked my confidence but in others it made it soar. When you see how much you can deal with it makes you less scared of risks and more quietly confidence in yourself as a person.

    I still struggle- last night i had a nightmare about my dad which is what provoked me to look for this website. And I’m glad I found it.

  20. evalry said on April 10, 2011 at 7:18 pm ... #

    It will be 7 years since my father passed in May. I was 19, now 26. I also feel that puzzle piece missing. I thought it was interesting that you now look at every opportunity to give a hug or say I love you to those you love, I feel differently. Why do we want to get close to someone when something may happen and another loss is there to stab you in the back again. After my papa died I went through a rough 3 years, then had a high and was manic, and now I am back to low again. I wish there were other people near to me that understood. My brother has his wife, my mother has her church friends and her mother and father, and I feel like all I have is my bed. It is my only constant companion. I hate putting a smile on my face to go to work, act like all is well, sure I can do that, no problem, but really I just wish all could disappear. Life seems so pointless, why are we placed here, for what, to form relationships and have them taken away from us.

  21. Danielle said on April 12, 2011 at 11:32 pm ... #

    Evalry, I read your comment and felt so sad I had to write back. I’ve been there, not wanting to risk caring because of the risk of loss. It hurts like crazy and you never want to get burned by that fire again. It’s such a lonely place to be, and my heart goes out to you.

    I don’t know how to answer except to say that it’s worth it, and hopefully you’ll find that. I don’t want to imagine losing any of the people close to me, it would break me in half. But loving others while you can brings out the best in us, makes us better people. I wouldn’t trade the gift of their love for anything, even knowing that I could/might lose them at any time. Because I would have missed out on something truly beautiful.

    There’s a quote from a movie I love, “City of Angels” – at the end, after losing the woman he loved, his friend asks him, “If you’d known this
    was going to happen, would you have done it?”

    He answers, “I would rather have had one breath of her hair, one kiss of her mouth, one touch of her hand, than an eternity without it. One.”

    Because it’s worth it.

  22. Varun said on July 17, 2011 at 11:35 pm ... #

    Once a time everone’s loved one back to life. As there are many concepts in science, which can do this. Hopefully there may be a super power also and humans can reach there after some advances in Sciene. Concepts :
    1. There is infifinite number of parallel universe, and We are present in so many universes as per new theory of Science, Michio Kaku.
    2. Humans can be so advance in Science that they can decode each & every event happened in past,And recreate the same.
    3.If concept of soul is true as some story depicts reincarnation, then there is super power also OR advanced civilization/dark parallel universes etc. And one day human being reach there, But We should think positively and nations should work unitidely.
    See- amazing-info.blogspot.com (parallel universes & time travel)

  23. Kayla said on September 11, 2011 at 1:03 am ... #

    I was a bit shocked when I read the first few paragraphs- the part where you talk about the puzzle was almost a direct feeling, belief, and mantra of my own. I believe this because of my own father’s death of colon cancer when I was 13. I have never found someone who’s come close to understanding this since he died almost 8 years ago. I think that we are all have a puzzle- that certain things and people are pieces that fit perfectly into it at times, and when we lose them, we lose the puzzle piece forever. While we can’t get those pieces back (and it’s ok to grieve for them when we feel it), we must cultivate room in ourselves for new ones. These people are not made for my father’s spot, but they are instead made for their own.

    I’ve learned that you should always take opportunities to spend as much time with those you love as you possibly can. Ask them about their memories and the things they love and advice. Appreciate all they mean to you and never, ever stop showing them how much you love them. I regret spending time with friends instead of him, friends whom I do not speak to anymore. My father was far more precious to me in every way. I learned that he’s taught me more about life than I ever thought possible in those 13 years. There are the big things- that he never saw me graduate 8th grade or high school and won’t see me graduate college or get a career or get married or start a family- but it’s all the small things, the moments I miss him and need him everyday.

    Yet as much as I miss and feel that I need him, I realize that he changed my life forever, because he lived. I want that puzzle piece back everyday, but I am truly just glad it was ever there.

  24. Samantha said on October 12, 2011 at 10:08 am ... #

    thank you for this.My father has Died today from lung cancer and im 12 1/2. this is basicaly how I feel. you are absolutetly right about everything and i am happy i took the time to read this for this is inspiring to me.

    thank you.

  25. Kaitlin said on October 18, 2011 at 3:10 pm ... #

    I am sorry to hear of every loss posted on this article. It’s hearbreaking.
    I had a nightmare that my dad went to South Carolina on a hunting trip and ended up getting sick and going into the hopsital, this was spanned out into 4 different dreams and many different nights. The First was of him going into the hospital, the second was calling him and trying to get my family to take me to see him.. none of them would and I don’t know why. The third dream I started to get worried he was gonna die and I wouldn’t ever see him again but we called and used web cams every day.. the fourth dream.. he stopped calling, I couldn’t get him to pick up when I called and nothing was working, I sobbed and broke down crying on the ground (in the dream) and I went to my mom and said, “Is he dead?” “What’s wrong, why isn’t he answering ?” and she kept ignoring me blatantly, I got on my knees and begged her to tell me what was going on and she said yes, he’s gone. I cried and just broke down completely. My sister hadn’t known he was in the hospital and I kept trying to get her to listen to me but my little sister and I don’t get along but I love her and told mom that I wanted to be the one to tell her, but she wouldn’t listen. I woke up before I had to tell her. The dream was so real… I almost lost him to a fatal motorcycle accident 4 years ago, he was on the hospice list and he was in a coma for a long time. A drunk driver had pulled out in front of him one night at an intersection and stopped in the middle of the road and Daddy hit him. The man drove away and checked his car down the road leaving my dad to die in the road. I didn’t get to see him for the first six weeks after the motorcycle accident because in ICU, you’re not allowed to see them unless you’re 14. I was 9 at the time. I’m 14 now and my little sister is 10. There is a scar across his head directly from ear to ear on top of his head from there to the middle of his face, he had to have plates and screws put in because his skull was shattered. He lost his taste and smell permanently and his right wrist was shattered.. it’s hard for him to talk sometimes and even walk. I get scared I’ll lose him now and it hurts alot. I’ve had alot of recent guilt for my past lately and things he’s told me not to do that I’ve done anyway and I worry that if he dies I’ll never have the chance to say sorry for it.. but its not things that I should have to worry of telling him. The doctors said that the accident took ten more years from his life so instead of 45 he’s more like 55. He talks about how he probably wont make it to my high school graduation. I’m not ready to lose him and there’s no stopping it if I do. There isn’t much to say of it I guess but I had to get it out.. think maybe some of you will understand. I’m glad he is here though, I’m sorry for all of your loses. I don’t mean to seem selfish. I know I’m lucky to have him please don’t bash me for this.

  26. Penny said on October 19, 2011 at 2:03 pm ... #

    My dad died about 3 weeks ago. He too had lung cancer. I am 33 years old. i miss my dad so much. i am the person i am today because of him. i feel really sorry for my mom as they were really close. They were married for 36 years. We took care of him as best as we could but still he died and that hurts. He knew we would do anything to get him better and even though we were not ready for him to go he was ready to go. He was pleased that his wife and his four children took care of him and he just wanted the pain and awful chemo to stop. i do not want to forget it but it hurts so much when i look at pictures of him. Reading these comments has made me realise that what i am feeling is normal. Thank u

  27. kae said on October 26, 2011 at 2:17 am ... #

    My dad died a year and a half ago, when I was 17, of a 2 week mystery illness including a final 10-day coma and ventilator stint that ended up being acute myelogenous leukemia. he never knew that part. There isn’t a day that I don’t think of my dad with the same fondness you all feel. I was and still am a self-admitted daddy’s girl.
    My dad spoiled me with his time, love and stimulating conversations on life and various american historical events. We watched Criminal Minds every week and saw the entirety of band of brothers soo many times. Confession: I refused to watch the pacific with him because he would constantly interrupt with useless historical facts. My dad cried for the parent trap. every time. And I know I will never find another person to take his place in my soul.
    I found your post wildly comforting while also cripplingly heartwrenching. What touched me the most was when you said, “We shared memories that nobody else shares, which means he knew me differently than anyone else … You can’t re-live that memory with anyone else”. That acknowledgment sent tears to my lap. I have a tendency to talk about my father in the present tense. It’s hard for me to fathom the moment he ceased to be. I know his heart stopped beating at 1:43pm on June 24th, 2010 but I’m not quite sure when he stopped loving the Beatles or it’s a mad, mad, mad, mad world (psh, he definitely still does). I talk about him a lot which I think disorients new friends in college.
    I’m a different person since he died. I’ll never be the same and I know that. I often wonder what is it that makes me different, what changed that day in the ICU. He still lives inside me and I feel him with me so strongly everyday, I know that I’m never truly alone. But the pain lingers, typically around 1-4am, the prime time for me to feel anxious and lonely. I don’t like the alone time of going to bed at night. The sick feeling in my stomach and the tightness of my chest. But his love will comfort me forever.
    My dad is such an important part of my life and who I’ve grown to be. There was nothing I could and is nothing i could ever do to take away the love and support he gave me every day. He always told me how much he loves me every day and often asked me out of the blue if I knew how awesome I am. He always had a crowd around him when he went out and the vivaciousness with which he lived his life was palpable. People craved his attention and compassion and the man knew no such thing as hate. He was wiser than anyone I’ve ever known and knew more about life than anyone I’ve ever met. His words will guide me for the rest of my life.
    Thank you for your post and for reading mine. Before I end, I would like to share a quotation from his favorite book (that he gave a million copies away of) Illusions by Richard Bach. He begged me to read it a thousand times and i never did until after he died and the comfort it gave me was immeasurable. “Do not be dismayed at goodbyes. A goodbye is necessary before you can meet again. and meeting again, after moments or lifetimes, is certain for those who are friends”. Thank you Dad, you are my best friend (as well as mum!) and it is certain that we will meet again.

  28. Lexy said on November 1, 2011 at 2:25 am ... #

    I feel just like you do my dad died 2 years ago I was 15 and now I’m 17 and sometimes I feel like I just can’t be the old me because that girl left when my dad left I wish that I can still be that girl but I’m going to try to pick myself back up because I know my dad is watching me and this isn’t what he wishes for me. Life can be rough but you have to remember ” God doesn’t give you problems you can’t handle”. If this happened to you I’m sure its for a reason just wait whats to come no one wants to lose anyone but there will always have to be those people that do so they can live to tell the story and teach people to lose is just another part of life. You shouldn’t let it take control take control of your life because life actually isn’t short for all we know life is endless we don’t have a due date so you have many years to go its up to you to make them what you want. Everyone that posted here I’m sure your lives will be great just don’t doubt it believe in yourself.

  29. Melissa said on November 10, 2011 at 1:13 pm ... #

    My father passed away on February 10, 2011 from lung cancer, at 65. He was buried on the 16th, the day before my 39th birthday. I was blessed to have him in my life this long compared to many of you, but the feelings are the same.

    As I’m reading this, I am tearing up. With the holidays approaching and everything that has transpired since his death, I feel I will never be the same. I’m blessed that I can express freely with my husband how his death has effected me.

    We have a 27 month old who was my father’s only grandchild. I’m sad he will not know him. And because of my age with a child so young, the personal questioning of my own mortality has my mind spinning constantly. Will my son be on here posting in a few years? Will he grow up without his mother or father – what if something happened to either of us? We both are smokers and it haunts me every day.

    Thank you for sharing as I know what I am feeling is normal, and I am not alone.

  30. Ryley Wallace said on November 13, 2011 at 9:21 pm ... #

    It was a very touching article, and I can relate to it very well. My dad passed away to lung cancer when I was 8 years old, now I’ve just turned 14 this summer. I can’t believe it has been this long but every once and awhile when I know I need to cry before I burst the next day during school… I’ll look up a piece like this I can relate to to help me get it all out early. Yours helped me cry tonight, thank you. The puzzle piece part really hit me hard, because every single time I ever made a puzzle Dad would always secretively take the last piece and walk off like nothing happened. … Now he walked off and won’t come back with it…. Thank you for helping me get it out tonight, I wouldn’t want my friends to worry about me tomorrow for something that happened 6 years ago Dec. 24 8:30 pm in a different state before I knew the real world. So thank you.

  31. Katie said on December 15, 2011 at 12:43 am ... #

    I am 30 years old, and my dad died last week from a heart attack. My world will never be the same, and I fear that I will never be truly happy again. This makes me even sadder than I am, because I have a wonderful, loving husband, and three beautiful, healthy children. In fact, my father’s funeral was on my oldest child’s 7th birthday, so that was really really tough. I want to be as I was with them- happy as I’ve ever been…madly in love with my husband, playful with my children…But instead, I feel so deeply sad and withdrawn. I want to completely skip Christmas this year, and just a little over a week ago, I was singing Christmas songs, baking cookies nearly every day, and wrapping presents to put under the tree. I filled out my father’s Christmas card last Monday night, and he died unexpectedly at Loyola hospital early Tuesday morning. The nurse left him alone, even though he had a HUGE band on his arm that said “FALL RISK”. If she hadn’t left him alone, they most likely would’ve been able to save him. I planned to come visit him that very next Thursday, but I was two days too late. I just feel so shattered, and I don’t really care about too much at this point. Just going through the motions. :(

  32. Candice said on February 8, 2012 at 5:39 am ... #

    I know how you feel. My dad died 15 weeks ago. I count the minutes hours days and weeks. It’s so hard and people don’t understand why I’m so depressed. What hurts the most is that I see everybody’s (friends & colleagues) life carry on around me. I want to just scream because they’re happy. No-one will ever know what it’s like unless they’ve lost someone very close to them. I just hope my family & I will heal. It feels comforting to chat to someone who feels the same way I do. I am extremely sad and just want to go back in time to when everything was fine.

  33. Candice said on February 13, 2012 at 8:14 am ... #

    I can’t really share my feelings today. It’s too hard. I feel like I’m going out of my mind. HAPPY BIRTHDAY DADDY. RIP, it’s been 16 weeks since you left me.

  34. shelley howlett said on February 25, 2012 at 8:49 am ... #

    My father died on 14th February 2012 at 11.58pm..i kept looking at the clock thinking not valentines day i am 38 and i feel like i can not go on i keep replaying that night over and over in my head believing that any minute now my dad will wake up and say to me and my brother, i have had a very long sleep and feel much better now and all will be ok..the truth was he was in great pain and he was on morphine so he was aleep all the time but i kept hoping he would just open his eyes for a minute so he knew we were there and to my delight he did for 2 minutes opened one eye with the other one half opened and just looked at myself and my brother we told how much we loved him and squeezed his hand so tight and stroked his face he was trying so very hard to say something but didn’t have the strength to but i no he would of said i love you. i cared for him in his last months but never thought he would actually die. i feel like i have lost a large part of me that i will never regain and don’t want anyone but my dad to repair it. he was absolutely everything to me i told him everything he gave me the best advice and he was always right about everything i now and no one else to talk to, my friends try so hard to get me out for a walk for fresh air but i feel like i don’t want anything but my dad and i too feel like screaming to everyone how can u all carry on like this!! i guess you always think that will never happen to me and when it does it is like someone has ripped your heart out and put a flame to it. today it is 1.38pm and i am still in bed with no interest in getting up or eating or talking to anyone just want my dad back, it is his funeral on Tuesday and i am going to see him for the last time on Monday. i am going to play a song that was one of our favorites and i have wrote a letter i will put in his jacket pocket. i am so sorry for everyones loss of their father on here it is unimaginable hurt and pain. a pain that i do not feel will ever go away just maybe learning to stride through life as if u are on a cloud.

  35. Anonymous said on March 13, 2012 at 3:48 am ... #

    Its about 1am & have not been able to sleep through the night the last two days. My dad died 1-1/2 months ago & I just had my first birthday without him yesterday. I’ve been coming here reading articles the last few days, seeking people who get where I am! Thank you for the article, because these midnight hours make me feel like I can’t go on…but every article & your responses help me crawl out of bed the next day.

  36. Tracy said on March 15, 2012 at 8:25 am ... #

    I just lost my mom on March 3rd in a car accident. She lived a mile away, was part of my everyday life, babysat my only child everyday. She was my best friend. I feel so hopeless, lonely and sad that I can barely function. I am looking for inspiration and reassurance that life will go on and I will be able to be happy again. Thank you for sharing your story. I cannot wait until I can fill in the end of mine with any positives that I’ve taken from this horrible experience.

  37. Elzanne said on March 27, 2012 at 4:20 pm ... #

    My greatest regret was my last words to my dad “Daddy I hate you never want to see you again!” That was the last time I ever saw him he commited suicide 2 days later exactly 3 weeks befor my 7th birthday! If I could relive that day I would hug and kiss him and tell him how much I love I am 16 now! He was my everything even with all our fights but that was only because he cared and loved me! I understand now but it’s too late wish I did when he was still with me! Love you daddy!!

  38. lorrIne said on March 28, 2012 at 10:58 am ... #

    You have written a true, and poignant piece. My dad was my world, I’m lucky that he lived till I was 24, but he died suddenly while I was about to give birth, and for a long time it was like I’d been given my son in place of my dad. I still love and miss him, it’s still hard for me to talk about him without crying, and this year marks the point where he’ll have dead for half my life. I see the fact that I still love and miss him as testament to what a wonderful man he was, Love doesn’t die.

  39. faNi said on April 15, 2012 at 2:02 pm ... #

    Thank’s for sharing yours story. My dad died 16/4/2011, 1 years ago cause the heart attack. it happened suddenly when Iam not beside him. I don’t know what I supposed to do. I just want to cry but I realize no tear can drop, I just can scream in my heart,I just want to go back in time when everything was fine. But I know that’s is imposible, I feel sad and deppresed… Like u sad “I will never the same” that’s like what I feel, I lost a part of my puzzle.. Until now, I kept learnd how to move on… Τнäñκ a lot for u’re lesson… ” I love u dad”

  40. tarryn said on April 19, 2012 at 2:58 am ... #

    Thank you so much for that and i am deeply sorry for your loss i know how you feel i didn’t loose my dad to cancer but my dad died 3 years ago my dad was my best friend and the father i would ever imagine i loved him with all my heart he died on our boat he fall over and drowned 3 days before my birthday and on my birthday they found his body…°̩t took Мэ a long time to accept the fact that god took my father away and my family always told Мэ °̩t would get better and i used to get so angry with them because they didn’t understand ..and the scariest thing is that 6 months before my dad died my grandfather died then 7 months after my dad died my grandmother died then 8 months later my ßàβƔ cousin died ..°̩t was really hard few years for Мэ i didn’t understand why god was taking everyone away from Мэ .and all my friends to this day still don’t understand why I’m always crying because of the death of my dad ..but ü will only understand if you have been through °̩t..but fathers play an important part in a persons life and 1 thing i learnt from loosing my dad is that even know he is gone in person but not heart…

  41. vishaka said on May 3, 2012 at 4:37 pm ... #

    Thank you for this beautiful piece of poetry. I am much older than you were(when you lost your dad).I am 33. I lost mine last month and feel a void where he has always been. I was in a separate country from him, and he suddenly died due to cardiac arrest at the age of 64. Everything has been too sudden. He was also my teacher, my friend, my hero…all in one. At the age of 33 I am finally having to grow up. All this while I was still his little girl. I miss him terribly and wish he were still around but that is not to be…..At the moment, I just wish I could have at least been able to say goodbye.

  42. Ana said on May 18, 2012 at 5:13 pm ... #

    Thanks, I feel the same way. I just lost my Dad to lung cancer. Its been 7months, I still cant stop crying.

  43. Candice said on May 23, 2012 at 6:26 am ... #

    I also lost my dad seven months ago and also can’t stop crying. I actually don’t know what to do because people say it get’s easier but I’m finding it very difficult. How I wish he was still here or that I could could turn back time…

  44. Shannon said on May 27, 2012 at 8:03 pm ... #

    I lost my dad 3 weeks after my 5th birthday. I did not know him much because he was put in jail because I fell out of my highchair under his care. I got letters that I still have just about 10 years later saying that he promised to come home. I miss him and noboudy seems to understand what I am going through. I get bullied abused by my mean step-dad I want my dad back and play with him like I used to before he was sent to the hospital 3 days before my birthday. Mom was upset because she did not want him to die on my birthday. The last thing I herd him say was dont take me away from her again and he knew he was not comming back and a week later he died due to cancer in the hospital.

  45. byrd said on July 6, 2012 at 6:07 pm ... #

    Thank u so much for this my dad passed oct 2010 and he was my hero. Part of me died that day and its like trying to live with a missing limb. Im lost and trying to find who i am i can totally relate….Thank u

  46. Jessica Wagner said on July 15, 2012 at 4:36 pm ... #

    When reading this I was almost confused thinking I wrote it and forgot. You put into words all the things that frusterated me but keep me silent because I’ve never even able to explain it. The desperate desire to hold a hug just a few seconds longer and remember it perfectly. I still tell my mon I live you like five times before saying goodbye. My daddy died a year ago on July 1st 2011. Thank you for writing this. It helped. Made me feel not so strange. Not so alone.

  47. Me said on July 27, 2012 at 10:34 am ... #

    I know how that feels. I lost my dad when I was ten or so, a day after my birthday and a day before the party. He and my mom were just about to get back together, after he had taken a year or so of classes to stop drinking. He had given up alchohol to come back, but we lost the chance. My daddy, he had taught me how to play baseball. How to go under water without plugging my nose. How to have fun with life. He died in a hiking accident, he was crouching next to a cliff. Stood to fast, got dizzy, and my heart fell with him. It messed me and my mom up pretty bad, just the other day she said something about how long it’s been. She said four years. My heart stopped, four years? I had always told myself it was only one. But I mustv’e been saying it for four years and not even have registered the passing time. My little brother is six now, and he still doesn’t really get that he isn’t here anymore. Breaks my heart, we were waiting for the school bus one day and he looks up at the sky, “Hey sissy? If daddy can see us why can’t I see him?” I had to turn my head so he wouldn’t see me cry. No one should have to endure the pain of losing someone so close to you, but we all do anyways. Deaths a crazy thing, sneaks up on the young, innocent, and good. Not fair. But I’m still trying to accept. Not to let go, no, I’ll never do that, just to accept that he’s gone and let him be happy with the rest of my family up above. Thanks for sharing, makes me feel a little less……. alone.

  48. Anonymous said on August 1, 2012 at 1:27 am ... #

    You can tell how touching this article is because 2 years later people are still posting.

    I lost my father when I was 20. He had a massive heart attack. My world shattered.

    10 years later, I’m still grieving. I miss him like crazy. I think about him everyday. Every single day. Almost feels like he died yesterday. Everyone knew me as Daddy’s girl. I will always be.

    I started wondering why, 10 years later, I still think about him so much. Maybe its not normal. I dream about him. In a coiple of dreams, he asked me to go with him. I told him I can’t. I remember I was so pissed because I missed him so much but I knew it wasn’t my time yet. I kept telling him that I can’t because he’s dead. It sucks. Nothing gets easier. Thats a load of BS. When you lose someone so close to you, life doesn’t get better.

  49. someone said on August 5, 2012 at 3:08 am ... #

    My dad married late, and being the youngest child, i get the least time with him, hes already 53 years old and im 14. Average male death age is like 75.. i only have around 22 years left if he were to live 75.. might seem like alot but id only be 36. and some people are lucky enough to have their dad live long enough to where the son/ daughter is 50… i do almost everything with him, he has taught me everything i know about farming… has brought me hunting, fishing, and teach me how to farm and succeed in life.

  50. Andrew said on August 30, 2012 at 6:03 pm ... #

    I’m sorry to here about everyone’s loss ..

    My girlfriend of almost 5 years just lost her dad a little over two months ago (June 13). I’ve tried being there for her in every possible way but she says she can’t handle our relationship right now due to everything that she’s going through (which is more than understandable). But at the same time she has these girlfriends who do nothing but drink and want to go out to the bars all weekend, which I know they’re going to do with her. It confuses me because she says she wants me to give her space, yet she can go out and drink? I don’t know. Maybe I’m just being selfish about the entire thing but it’s just a confusing feeling and I’m not really sure what to think about it.

    Any thoughts?

  51. Candice said on August 31, 2012 at 9:41 am ... #

    Hi Andrew. My dad died less than a year ago. I can tell you from experience that my poor husband suffered the most. As much as I love my husband … I just wanted to be left alone because I felt so alone and lost without my dad. (I wouldn’t go bar hopping though) I still feel lonely & lost quite often and then my hubby just leaves me alone for a while until I come talk to him again out of my own. I know it’s not an explanation but it’s how I felt and sometimes feel. (Even though I have my whole family around me…… I feel like the loneliest person in the world without my dad.

  52. Faisal Rehman said on September 2, 2012 at 3:03 am ... #

    It’s hard. It’s unbearable. It’s uncomprehendable. I lost an uncle of mine, who was not just a father but a complete family to me. Whatever I am today is because of him. He had devoted his entire life towards bringing me up as a successful person. He has taught me so much and was very proud of me. I wanted to do so much for him, but he is no more. You are right, he took a piece of my life’s puzzle with him. I wish Allah would have given us more time together, I feel so guilty that I was so busy with my job that I couldn’t give him much time. We always enjoyed eachothers company as we had gone through many ups and downs in life. We compltely understood eachother and …. I just don’t know what to say or what to do as there is just no charm in living any more. A lifeless life with just tears and a very broken heart. A heart broken by Allah..

  53. Brian vd W said on September 4, 2012 at 2:23 pm ... #

    My father died on the 12th of july 2012. After a 4 days sick bed. He had a brain aneurysm(Sorry for my english I’m dutch.) I miss him like crazy and I feel full of guilt, because I was quite busy in my life and when he asked me to come and sit with him or something I was often going somewhere. I wish that I had more time with him, like I always thought we would have. It hurts so much. I am very gratefull that he was my dad, as he always was very helpfull and always gave the best advise ever. He knew everything. I am 24, but sometimes I feel like a 5 year old who needs his dad. Life sucks, I’m thankfull that I still have a loving family and a very carring mom. But it’s all different without my dad. Never knew I could feel so much pain, and now I see all what he did for me. Just wish he was here. For the first time in life, I really know what a broken heart is. Love you dad, I wish I said it when you were alive and miss you like hell. ~Life goes on, but it’s a different, more painfull life.

  54. Shyness said on September 6, 2012 at 1:12 am ... #

    My Dad passed away on last tuesday he always been in my life and it hurts because my daddy never gave up on anyone of his kids,my dad had sixteen kids from my mom he was a hard worker we never needed or wanted for nothing but,when we had the chance to he him we couldn’t I don’t know how to deal with that I wish God help me and my family through this but I am trying to smile for my Mom and son it’s like wow

  55. Shana said on September 11, 2012 at 9:36 pm ... #

    Thank you. Here I sit at 37 looking up ways to get over my father’s death. He took his own life when i was 15 and I cannot get over it. I have moved on and have a family, but every now and then I get so angry and miss him. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I do appreciate it!

  56. Raghu said on September 15, 2012 at 2:55 pm ... #

    Very heart touching story…..I lost my dad to stomach cancer 6 years ago, it’s been no shoulder to rest on ever since.I’ve always played it safe. I only take calculated risks. I’ve never been able to enjoy life as my friends. I fake myself as happy and worry-less infront of my friends, but deep below lies a scar that can never be healed. Missing you dad, every single day…

  57. Ashley said on September 20, 2012 at 5:40 pm ... #

    My wonderful Father passed away 3 years ago, and to this day, I am not the same. I just lost my lust for life, I was once a very happy, professional individual. But when he passed, it feels like my soul went with him. Last night I just broke down, crying and crying so hard I could not catch my breath. My Father was everything to me, he was always there for me, to answer my questions, to make me laugh… and now I have no one. With his passing the kids he left behind, 6 of us, all in our 50’s… yet I cannot get the drive to go on with my business, I am now living day to day, some days without food or housing… I just don’t know what to do anymore.

    Thank you so much for your story, at least I know the pain is not just my own pain, but that of others that lost their parents.

  58. Michelle said on September 25, 2012 at 2:43 pm ... #

    My father died in July of this year. Your words have helped…. the way you compare it to a puzzle and that one piece that is missing – is so incredibly true and very fitting for how I feel. Thank you for sharing….

  59. debbie said on September 30, 2012 at 3:15 pm ... #

    I love this article. It says so much of what I feel. My Dad was diagnosed with lung cancer at the end of January 2012 and passed away May 3rd. They had told us they were trying for 2 years. My Mom has had two cancers and it runs in her family but my Dad’s side doesn’t have any. It was a complete shock to hear he had 3a inoperable lung cancer. It knocked the wind right out of me. My Parents have been through many medical issues but I knew this was it. I couldn’t even talk to him at first it was so overwhelming. You said it exactly right. A piece of you is taken with them and you will never be the same. PERIOD. Dad was a baptist preacher. I understand heaven and all that BUT WHAT ABOUT NOW. The texting, phone calls, emails…I still don’t think I have completely accepted it as reality. I live in Atl and they are in Phx. They have 3 homes so, this is the time period they would be there and I wouldn’t see them anyway. It is almost impossible to grasp. A terrible dream that all happened so fast there was no time to think, just react to what was going on. I appear to be doing the worst in the family. If not, they hide it better than me. It is an effort for me to care or be motivated at all. I know he wouldn’t want that but it is the worse pain I have ever experienced. It doesn’t go away and I have such a wall up now. It is impossible to get close to me. Even those that were, no longer are. I don’t want anyone around. I don’t sit and cry a lot anymore. I have this emptiness and just blank look. I tried to watch a movie last night and I can’t even concentrate to watch an entire movie. I have no idea when I will feel any where close to normal. I appreciate so much you sharing your story. It helps to know some people experience some of the same things. xo

  60. Debbie said on October 7, 2012 at 1:01 am ... #

    I just lost my father on September 11 th of this year. I am 39 years old and he was 69. It will be a month in a few days. He was on dilaysis for 4 1/2 years and was diagnosed with Lung cancer on August 11th. When he finally recieved his first chemo treatment, they brought him down for dialysis the next morning- he had a massive stroke with bleeding in the brain. They said he would not make it. 3 days later he passed away. I am heartbroken and have an empty feeling that won’t go away. There is a special bond between father and daughter. It is irreplaceable. I am glad i am not the only one that feels lost, or like a piece of the puzzle is missing. It is. Thank you so much . All of you.

  61. Ann elizabeth said on October 11, 2012 at 9:28 am ... #

    With tears pouring down my face I type I have never found any one who understand how I feel everutill I read this I lost my dad suddnely and he ws my rock he truly taught me what it was to truly have some one care about you with all there heart he would have any thing for me and my life will never be the same noone can fix me, I can never be me with out him. -lost

  62. Mohamad S said on October 13, 2012 at 3:05 am ... #

    My father died 5 months ago. It still hurts the same way it did the day he passed away. I’m 40 years old and I still cry every time I think of him.
    Reading your story felt like someone was describing what I’m going through.
    I’ve tried to go back to my normal life, but there is this huge pain that I carry everywhere I go, and it’s not getting any better.
    I’ve always thought about death. I knew that one of us will die before the other. I knew that one of us will hurt when that day came, but I never thought that it would hurt that much….

  63. iLoveDad said on October 16, 2012 at 1:01 am ... #

    I just lost my dad in Aug this year. I am very very heartbroken till now. I really can’t accept the fact that he’s gone for good. Every night, I’ve been waiting for him to appear in my dream to let me see him again, to talk to me again. It was too sudden, it was due to heart attack..very fast…very sudden… no chance to talk to him for the last time…that night he just went off within minutes…. I can’t take it….he was well that morning….He did body check up every year, took very good care of his health….but….I just can’t believe it. Part of me has died, i cried almost every night. How i wish i could turn back the clock, how i wish all these are only nightmares.

  64. abc said on October 18, 2012 at 6:38 pm ... #

    one month ago my father died in a tragic house fire ..so for me ,being alive is torture.

  65. Beatrice said on October 22, 2012 at 4:03 pm ... #

    Am a ghanaian, a 22 years old girl. I just lost my father on Thursday, 18th October, 2012. I was in class when my cousin called me to inform me about the unfortunate. I went mad. Shock made me break down in sorrows. I have never suspected i could loose my father even though he suffered from heart enlargement and kidney problems. OMG, the mighty has fallen. I love my father soo much. He provides everything for me. Am in my final year at the university and things have already turned hard for me. I can’t eat. I have lost ma voice but hope to regain it. I don’t think i can smile again in ma life. Please friends out there, i need advices.

  66. Di said on October 23, 2012 at 11:54 pm ... #

    Hi,
    My father passed away last month and was only 61 . He had no heath issues but a sudden cardiac arrest just took him away from us.

    Its a shock and I am unable to bear the pain of this LOSS. I see him and hear him all the time. I am not getting sleep and its difficult to be happy ever again. I just wnat to ensure that I can do everything to make my mommy feel a bit better.Its really painful! god should not do this to anyone – feel if God could make the age a constant for everyone- how I wish i had my father today with me – everything in the world seems so worthless!

  67. Jim said on October 24, 2012 at 4:58 pm ... #

    I wrote this for the whole world to know a little about my dad.

    On June 9 something unreal happened,I lost my friend,my hero and my dad. If you haven’t sumized to this point it’s all the same person. Why is it in this world that the media only make a big deal about it when someone famous passes away?let me tell you about someone famous.A person who can fill your life with love, happiness , sadness ,laughter, high,lows,knowledge ,wisdom , being strict when needed, a gental touch,a teaching hand ,someone you call when you need help and they drop what there doing to help you,someone who later in life was self employed as a plumber and without much money himself wound alway feel guilty that he was charging to much for a job even though his rate was the best around. He would do work for an elderly person and charge even less knowing that they didn’t have much money themselves.someone who would spend many years helping my mom take care of her and her diabetes, someone who provided for a wife and four children with clothing ,food , and a house to be raised in. As children we had so much fun with him or because of him,the great many camping trips where we would go hiking have water fights and go on motorcycle rides,our stays at snowbird,in the winter being pulled down a snow packed road on a sled behind a motorcycle,swimming, jumping on the trampoline,and our great family rubber band fights just to name a few things of so many. To sum this up , to all the people who are the so called famous people be it an actor or actress, a politician, a music star, or a sports star the people who are the most famous are people like my dad a person that gave everything he had and the only thing he wanted in return was love not money or power like the people listed above. Any one who was lucky enough to know him would tell you that they thought the world of him. I would trade all the money in the world to have him back. I’ll miss our person to person talks and visits but I will continue to speak to him and think of him everyday. Who’s famous my dad . I love you pa see you on the other side.

    Please pass this on thanks.

  68. Donna z said on October 28, 2012 at 3:46 pm ... #

    I lost my husband to lung cancer 3 weeks ago, he was 47. I have two sons ages 14, and 17 they were both very close with their father. All I hear from people is how resilient kids are and that they will be fine. People don’t understand that they will always feel this loss, thank you for writing your story. More young people need to express how difficult it is to lose a parent, I think that they feel compelled to act as if all is fine because they see how everyone else has gone back to their life, we are still mourning our loss and people don’t get it.

  69. angie said on November 3, 2012 at 12:13 am ... #

    I just lost my dad this year. He was 55, my best friend and I’m pretty deviated. I started a blogroll chronicle our life. It has been healing. His category is James and this is the link
    https://angelinamom.wordpress.com/
    Many blessings to all who suffer this loss. You are not alone.

  70. NEELIMA said on November 5, 2012 at 1:49 am ... #

    My name is neelima.. i lost my father 3 months ago on 01-08-2012 to colon cancer. i miss my father very much.
    thankyou for writing this article. i konw how difficult to face this situvation. i m beside to my father when he is dying.. but i m help less.Every night, I’ve been waiting for him to appear in my dream to let me see him again, to talk to me again.miss u so much dady….

  71. David said on November 5, 2012 at 5:27 pm ... #

    Beatrice- to respond to your post
    I am so deeply sorry for your sudden loss

    I lost my father almost 11 years to day – when I was only 11 years old.

    I have found you will be never be the same again but you will one day fine your voice again. I have found that over the years you tend to appreciate the small things in life more than others: A walk along a beach front, seeing a sunset or sunrise,

    Going through university myself I know how such a stressful time this can be- hang in there.This is a stage of life where I found who my true friends are.

    Again I cannot begin to know how you are feeling.

  72. Trevor said on November 6, 2012 at 7:53 am ... #

    “I wish I could remember telling my dad ‘I love you.’ I’m sure I did, but I don’t remember telling him, and I would like to have that memory. I was only five years old when he died. My dad had a stroke in his sleep, and he was rushed off to the hospital. When I woke up the next morning, I found out that he had died. Afterward, talking about my dad bothered me, but later I came to enjoy hearing stories about him because that has helped me get to know him better. My advice to any who have lost a parent in death is to savor every moment you had with your parent and to write your memories down so you don’t forget them. Then do what you can to build your faith so that you’ll be there when your parent is resurrected in God’s new world.

  73. Trevor said on November 6, 2012 at 7:55 am ... #

    Rely on “the God of all comfort.” The Bible says: “Throw your burden upon Jehovah himself, and he himself will sustain you.” (Psalm 55:22)
    Prayer to God is not some sort of emotional crutch. It is real and vital communication with “the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation.”—2 Corinthians 1:3, 4.
    God’s Word, the Bible, provides the greatest comfort of all.
    The Christian apostle Paul stated: “I have hope toward God . . . that there is going to be a resurrection of both the righteous and the unrighteous.” (Acts 24:15)
    Thinking about the Bible-based hope of a resurrection can be the greatest comfort while grieving the loss of a loved one.

  74. divya said on November 6, 2012 at 1:30 pm ... #

    i can completely understand waht you are saying. The pain of losing a parent will never go, we will only learn to live with the pain. I lost my dad too 4 months back, and i still dream of having him back. believing that he is gone, is something beyond me

  75. Billy said on November 12, 2012 at 1:21 am ... #

    Thank you for telling you’re story. I didn’t think I would ever have to go threw this. I lost my dad a few days ago, I am 30 years old. I love and miss him so much, I wish I could be around my family but they don’t want me or my brother around. I to feel like that puzzle piece is missing and I will never have it back. I know I am a better person, a better father, because of my dad. He has taught me alot, and still is. If I ever had a problem I could count on him for help. My dad will always be there for me and brother

    We love you always dad

  76. Anonymous said on November 13, 2012 at 8:07 pm ... #

    I lost my dad one and a half month ago due to sudden cardiac arrest. Till now I am not able to believe that he has actually gone now. I just want him to bring back into life somehow.

    I used to believe that I am special for God as I used to be a firm believer in God. But i guess I am also like any other person for God.

    Oh god just let me see my father once more else take my life away as life seems to be so pointless now.

  77. Anonymous said on November 19, 2012 at 6:50 pm ... #

    My story is very different from all of you. My dad passed away when i was 28. I did not feel anything when he died. I dont even miss him. When he was still here, we have never hugged each other and we have never say things like “I love you”. I never received affection from him. I remember when he died, i was looking at his dead body and was trying to tell myself “wake up, there is your father’s dead body, don’t you have any feeling for him”…nothing, i could not feel anything, not a single pain. I never get the chance to know what a “father” is even though he was there.
    Those of you who was badly hurt when your loved one was gone, I know it’s hard and it hurts a lot, but that’s make you feel alive.

  78. lindsay said on November 26, 2012 at 9:58 pm ... #

    Thank you for sharing this. My daughter lost her dad in June. She had only met him in march after 11 years of not knowing him. We heard he had cancer through a friend. I hadn’t spoke to him since our daughter was a baby. So she developed a relationship at the end of his life knowing he didn’t have much time left. Your post made her feel less alone. It has helped her more than any of the counseling did. It made her realize she isn’t the only one who has gone through this. And for that I thank everyone who has shared their story and I am sorry for everyones loss.

  79. Ronnie van Jaarsveld said on November 28, 2012 at 2:57 am ... #

    Hi, I’m working for Rainbows South Africa and want to share your letter with subscribers to our newsletter, if you agree.

    Rainbows helps children through the grieving process, please visit our website at rainbows.org.za for more info.

    Your letter give adults like myself true insight into who teens and younger children think and feel when they lose someone dear.

    Thank you so much for sharing!

    Regards

    Ronnie

  80. Alisha K. (HelloGrief.org) said on November 28, 2012 at 1:16 pm ... #

    Hello Ronnie,

    Thanks so much for the comment. We welcome others to share our articles, so long as HelloGrief is credited as the source. We are happy to be a resource to you and your organization!

    Alisha
    HelloGrief

  81. Anonymous said on November 28, 2012 at 9:32 pm ... #

    this was the best story i read this and stared crying thank you for making us undersand how it feels without a dad

  82. Ameer said on November 30, 2012 at 1:22 pm ... #

    My sister died 10 years ago when i was only 16. she died of a rare type of chilhood cancer but she died on her 12 birthday. she looked a lot more mature and smarter then her age. she notice a bump on her leg and it was painles and we did not worried to do any thing about it, we told her it will go a way. then the bump got really lrage and we took her to Dr and he told us after so many suergery she would be ok. but she never was, and in her last week of life that the dr all the sudden told us she is really sick and she wont make it. we were choked by the shocking and al the sudden news and that moment hunted me for the rest of my life. i think about it every day how she felt and more hardest thing in the world was to watching her dieing. after all these years of her being gone one thing hunting me even more is the guilt… i feel so guilty could of took her to the dr earler but at the time my family was really poor we could not effort the medical cost and we did not thought that bump would of become something so dangerouse. my heart hurts every time when i think about her and i wish it was me instaed of her. she was so beautiful and innocent and i do not undersatnd why bad things always happen to good peopel. all feels like i am still dreaming a horrible dream. I still cant belive this actually happend and she is so gone for ever so do tell your love one that you love them beacuse you do not know what would happen tommorow and chursh your time together there are many time i tell myslef that i wish i never fight with her over house chorse…. sigh it is life and life needs to go on.

  83. Sabrina Reynolds said on December 1, 2012 at 3:40 am ... #

    My father passed away November 15, 2012…. Thank you for sharing your experience.

  84. Katie said on December 1, 2012 at 4:10 am ... #

    I am sorry for all of your losses….. My dad passed when I was 11 and my step dather when I was 20…growing up without a sober mom didn’t help… Don’t blame her. you are right and I will forever be forever missing parts of my heart…. The puzzle prices that make me up. I am so sad and it seems to get worse the older I get. I need that hug. I don’t want to feel like a failure I wasn’t that last hug or I love you. The last thing I said to my dad was I don’t respect you or want to see you….and its over now…. It’s all I have left…. That and 3pictures and a jacket. How do you heal? Ever? When your life is a lie and you Can’t move you are so sad sometimes….?

  85. Brit said on December 2, 2012 at 7:36 am ... #

    I’m so glad to have come across this site. I am 28 years old and lost my father to brain cancer in 2002 (he was 46), then lost my mom to breast cancer in 2011 (she was 57). I have one sibling, a younger sister who is 23 years old. Losing my dad was hard enough, but losing my mom has made my sister and I adult orphans at such a young stage in both of our lives. I am writing this because I still have trouble sleeping, sometimes due to nightmares of my parents being sick, but sometimes simply because my mind is anxious. I feel for every person who had posted on this site. Losing a loved one is the most painful thing in life. I miss my parents everyday. The holidays are always especially difficult, so I send love and comfort to all of you who ate struggling with loss.

  86. Lydia Cheney said on December 2, 2012 at 4:25 pm ... #

    Hi, I lost my dad on June 17th 2012 and today is his first birthday since his death, this truly truly helped me so much. You have described exactly how I feel. His death came from lung cancer too, it truly is the most heartbreaking and awful proces to watch a loved one suffer. I feel no one will ever understand me like he did.

  87. Shelley said on December 2, 2012 at 5:17 pm ... #

    My dad passed away from emphysema on February 10, 2012 at 6:20am. He didn’t want a ventilator (he said that before when he wasn’t as sick but he didn’t have a DNR), so we took him to hospice. He was in a coma for about 2 days before he passed, and my twin sister and I were there with him. We thought that the bi-pap machine would blow out the carbon dioxide, but his lungs were just too bad. We were hopeful that he would get better, but when we left and came back he was in a coma. We never really got to say goodbye..it was so sudden. My dad was so outgoing, loving, generous and my best friend in the whole world. He was cremated 9 days later on our birthday, so i’ll never feel the same about our birthdays again. I feel guilty for not giving him a ventilator anyway because he may have been saved, but I think that might just be selfishness and wanting him back. At the time, we just didn’t want him to suffer. This article really sums up how we felt and still do feel..even though we were 26 when it happened.

  88. tom said on December 2, 2012 at 5:44 pm ... #

    I’m 44 years old my dad died at age 82 from lung cancer.we were very close.i have a wife and 2 small children,ihave everything i’ve wanted in life .my father taught me to work hard in life .i’m very sad,i would see him twice a week and talked to him every night at 11:30 pm. i’am very sad crying while i’m typing this .just hurts alot .i thank god i’m lucky to have him around till 82. dad if you read this i miss and love you please answer me

  89. lachie said on December 3, 2012 at 7:56 am ... #

    thank you for writing this, it has changed the way I now approach life no matter how cruel it seems. Im 15 and my father past away when I was 12 from lung cancer he battled it out for 13 months. Ever since the funeral it changed me, I’ve always thought negatively and blamed myself I know that feeling when you wish that you could give him that one last hug again and what I would do to have it all back. One day I realised that life isn’t on your side all the time and its up to you to make the most of it. These things are bitter and cruel but somehow they make you a better person.

  90. morgan said on December 13, 2012 at 8:46 am ... #

    Trufully this has helped me more than you can imagine. My dad died when i was 14 and i am now 16, I feel the same way you do, i hate it when people complain about their dads it makes me sad and angry they say there dad is an achoolic, well yes the is terrible but at least he is there for them to see, to touch, to feel, to talk to, and most importantly to love. They have no idea and i hope that they will never have to find that out. I am mad that my dad wont be at my graduation but he was there for my brother nad sisters, i am upset that he will never walk me down the asile as he did for my sisters, and most of all i am really upset that my dad will not be their to meet my kids as he was for my brother and sisters. So I understand how you feel. You say used the puzzle asa away of explaining your loss, i use that my dad was my boulder and there were many rocks that surroned the bolder but now being there is no bolder what is going to be for the rocks to surround, to look up to, and get guidance from. well there isnt going to be anything because my bolder can never be replaced.

  91. ANONYMOUS said on December 13, 2012 at 3:11 pm ... #

    THANK YOU FOR YOUR ARTICLE. MY DAD GOT KILLED 2 MONTHS AGO RIGHT IN FRONT OF OUR HOUSE AND I TRULLY DONT FEEL LIKE HIS DEAD BUT EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENS IN LIFE CHANGE US I ONE WAY OR ANOTHER.

  92. Lori said on December 13, 2012 at 4:38 pm ... #

    Thank you! My children (21,17,15,11 and 9) had watched their dad slowly slip away. I remember how scared I was. I can’t even imagine the fear that they had. I still feel so much pain( 3 years later)when I think of how they will never have their dad to coach them, be proud of their accomplishments, attend the daddy and daughter dance.Their short lives have forever been marred by the pain.

  93. Just me said on December 13, 2012 at 6:58 pm ... #

    Wow. Every word of this is so true. Six months ago yesterday, I lost my dad completely and totally unexpectedly. You truly never know when your time, or a loved one’s time, here is going to be over. Say the things you need to say. Make sure they know how you feel now while they are here so you don’t spend the rest of your life with that regret.

  94. Camila said on December 14, 2012 at 1:22 pm ... #

    Thank you for sharing your story. My mom died three years ago and I can completely relate to the feeling of never being able to go back to the person you once were.

  95. lora said on December 17, 2012 at 6:46 am ... #

    I am so happy to share this lovely testimones with you all,
    My name lora from Brazil,i lost my husband 12 years ago to a collpased building at his working place.So ever since then life has not be unfair to me and my only son.A friend of his advice to find a diviner to that i can speak to him at least for once.I thought that it was not possible for someone to speak with dead people.He persueded me to do it,so i searched on the internet so i found people tesifying on how Doctor Jefferson has helped them to speak to their dead ones.I contacted him and guess what i finally spoke to my husband,and my son also spoke to him.I am very happy and thanks to doctor jefferson.If you guys will love to speak to your dead ones you can contact him via his email- doctorjeffersontemple@gmail.com

  96. john harris said on December 20, 2012 at 6:06 am ... #

    My reality was broken down… I Just recently had some type of flash back … It made me feel like he just died. I don’t think any can feel the loss of my father the way i do.

  97. meech said on December 23, 2012 at 9:50 am ... #

    I also lost my father from lung cancer 5 years ago.. and it is still very hard for me especially now that i recently lost my mother. she died February of this year. i don’t even know how I’m surviving. everyday I’m just trying not to fall apart. i miss my mother so much. she was all i have left and now she’s also gone. so having to deal with all this festivities around because of the holidays is so hard and painful.

  98. diveskyer said on December 23, 2012 at 8:40 pm ... #

    I stumbled across this while looking up something completely unrelated somehow but I needed to read this. My father has been fighting brain cancer for 4 months now, granted I’m 29 and have had him around but until this year I had never been around a terminally ill family member. All 10 of my Aunts/Uncles on my Mom and Dad’s side are still alive and healthy. Out of the 5 siblings my Dad has, he’s the youngest, so for him to get this was devastating.

    I haven’t cried over my Dad’s condition until I read this, I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel so I’ve been bottling up the emotions to be strong for my Mom and my Dad. With no siblings it’s just me dealing with the sudden onslaught of legal paperwork since my father’s memory/speech have been negatively impacted.

    I will hug him and tell him I love him more as you advised, I wish this was just a bad dream, I never thought I’d lose a parent early. You’re totally right, life is short, you don’t know how much time you have, make the most of it.

    I’m glad I took him to my dropzone to watch my skydive and he decided to do one while he was there. Seeing his face fill with pure joy when he landed, mere months before his diagnosis, will be etched in my memory forever.

  99. Anonymous said on December 26, 2012 at 8:05 pm ... #

    Thank you for this. It definitely brought a tear to my eye. Never have I heard such inspiring words from someone who has also lost their father. You have opened my eyes and allowed me to see how I have changed since I lost mine. Thank you. I am sorry for your loss. Your strength is encouraging and inspirational

  100. Christy said on December 27, 2012 at 6:16 pm ... #

    My beautiful six year old granddaughter just lost her father. He died from smoke inhalation and burns to his upper body as a result of a tragic accident. He had a terrible substance abuse problem. She hasn’t seen him for nearly a year. In her first years he was a stay at home dad who cared for her with great love and attention. They had a very special bond and she adores him. She doesn’t know he is dead. We have to tell her. She will be crushed. She asks to see him all the time. He has been homeless and abusing alcohol. It is so tragic. She will live with the loss of her beloved dad but also with the knowledge that he died tragically. I am so so sad.

  101. emily said on December 30, 2012 at 1:49 am ... #

    I don’t usually post comments on online articles, but yours was so poignant and just so accurate that I felt compelled to respond. My dad died 3 and a half years ago (when I was 19) after a terrible year-long battle with brain cancer. He was a great, generous father, and I miss him terribly. The part of your article that struck me the hardest (and brought me to tears) was the part about your inability to talk to your dad while he was sick, but then finally being able to hug him and express with that gesture more than you could with words. I had a strikingly similar experience with my own dad, and that is one of the most vivid memories I still have of him: hugging him in the kitchen on a Saturday morning, both of us fighting back tears.

    It’s true that the death itself doesn’t really get easier to deal with; rather, as time goes on, there are usually more things going on in your life that distract you from your grief. But here I am, three and a half years later, and I still feel a void in my life. Lots of things still make me cry or feel sad or angry. Losing a parent is difficult beyond words, but I believe there is still a chance for a happy life. Like you said in your article, you’ve grown since your dad died. From this truly awful and devastating loss, you are still able to see the good. And though it takes time, it’s possible, and you are a testament to that. So thank you for writing this. You’ve clearly touched many people in doing so, myself among them.

  102. Caroline said on December 30, 2012 at 12:57 pm ... #

    This was exactly what I was looking for to comfort me. I lost my dad two days ago. He was really sick and I cried every time I looked at him. But he’s in heaven now so I’m not AS SAD as I was yesterday. I really relate to this because I am 13 years old too. I am the youngest of 3 children. I was really heartbroken to see him go at my young age, but I will see him in heaven. Thank you

  103. Prasad Thambawita said on January 2, 2013 at 4:03 am ... #

    I lost my dad on last 25th. I,m in a terrible situation. Whatever said and done I know I cant have him again and this is what making me more and more sad and upset. He is my dear father, he is so simple and humble man. I love him so much and I want him to be with me everyday. Like you have said he has answers for all of my questions.

    “I ll Never Be the Same” is found while I’m searching for something to ease my moans. This is a wonderful note and its beuatifully written. Truly this helis ping me to ease my heart.

    Thank you !!
    January 02, 2013.

  104. Alexis Kleinberg said on January 2, 2013 at 4:18 am ... #

    My father passed away 9 months ago and I’m 12 years old now…. He also died of lung cancer

  105. .. said on January 3, 2013 at 5:39 pm ... #

    Thank you so very much for this story. My dad died a few months ago from pancreatic cancer. He was living in another country and I knew he was sick but had no idea he had cancer. He didn’t want to burden me, but finally called when he knew the end was close. I later found out he only lasted 2 months after first being diagnosed. Fortunately I arrived about 6 hours before he passed. It was so sudden for meand he looked so frail i couldnt recognize him. I keep wishing i would have hugged him more before he died. It was such a painful experience that was multiplied by a legal battle for his boat and me being laid off from work a few weeks later. Until I read your posts I was feeling like the weight of pain and regret would keep me sitting at home all day being sorry for myself. I’m so thankful to have read all of these wonderful posts. I think dad wants me to use the pain and turn it into motivation. Not much I can do besides that and I want to make him proud. Never cried as much since the day he died as I have reading your posts. Thanks again for helping point me toward a better frame of thinking. Looking forward to the article about moving on after this experience because I’m still not sure what to do next.

  106. shemieha said on January 4, 2013 at 4:47 am ... #

    Hi,

    Its indeed difficult to understand ones pain after a loss. Lost my dad
    18~ year back when I was just 7. The pain and andloss I still feel.
    Lost my fiance who I always felt a shadow of my dad, but lost him
    too in October due to heart attack. I could do nothing for him
    could not hug him. Can’t even say sorry as had a fight a day prior.
    Life seriously is not the same. I wish I could get both of them
    back. Death is such a terrible pain and loss.
    Why are humans imortal. I just wish no one should ever lose
    the loved ones.
    Pain is all left behind.
    Every one above are in terrible pain, and people say
    what ever happens for good.
    Has loss ever happened for good.
    Just wanna say I love and miss you papa and Richie.
    Just wish and pray to see you both soon where death can never
    separate us.

    I love you both more than my life. I need both of you.

    Please don’t leave me alone.

    Shemieha

  107. Ambreen said on January 15, 2013 at 1:53 pm ... #

    I could connect with a lot of things you mentioned if not all…I could relate to the general, overall feeling if not the specifics…I lost my dad when I was 7…I’m almost 20 now.

    I never got to know my dad like my four older sisters did…curiously, I have only maybe 3-4 memories regarding him…he had cancer – Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma – more than having lost a particular person I feel that I lost a great opportunity in life; I don’t miss my father as much as I miss having A father…whatever memories I have of him are depressing…

    I cried when I read your post…you can say that mine is the opposite situation because on a conscious level, all my life I never thought much about this fact of my life, but some, few times I come to realize the great loss that I have suffered.

    I won’t deny that I hadn’t been depressed all my life…grew up with very poor self-esteem and self-image…but it was only when I grew up that I realized the possible reason – my dad’s death…

    Till date I feel that I never actually got the chance to grieve properly…till 2-3 years back I never even knew the kind of cancer my dad had…that is the extent to which it is never mentioned or discussed in my house/family.

    So, sometimes when I feel depressed I just look for things like this – other people with similar experiences, or articles on father-daughter relationships…they help me release whatever reservoir of feelings that have not been properly dealt with…so THANKS for writing such a wonderful and inspiring article..it makes a world of a difference to a lot of people out there in similar situations… :)

  108. Anonymous said on January 15, 2013 at 8:03 pm ... #

    how did you cope i am 13 and it took me about 5 months what helped me was school 4 h and other family my mom died when i was 12 and my dad had to leave i then had to move in with my grampa and well its been 7 months and there is stil alot of bumps in the road and how long did it take yu to cope

  109. Anonymous said on January 20, 2013 at 5:55 pm ... #

    I feel the same way, I understand the pain and the bitterness. I lost my dad 5 month ago, he went back home (Africa) for vacation and never returned! I was fotunate enough to grew up with him 23 years of my life! His golden advices is what i tressure! Yes My world was torn in pieces, until now I’m in denial! He was my superhero and best friend and teacher, life is no longer the same. I questioned my faith couple of time and wondered why all of the sudden god took his life away, what for? He was healthy 57 years old, questions after questions..I couldn’t stand old people who made it to their 60s 70s 80s and so! So much anger and bitterness. I remember locking myself in my room crying and finally gave up asking questions, because god planned all this to happen, he takes away the ones he loves first and also tests those that he knows can be strong enough to handle struggles. I was crying when I was reading your Post and everyone else’s who lost their father, I can relate to the experiences. I don’t think we will ever get over it or heal from it, but its definitely a lesson that tomorrow is never guaranteed, and to live life the fullest! we are our fathers legacy! His beautiful piece of work;)

  110. Anonymous said on January 24, 2013 at 4:02 am ... #

    After reading all the comments and the main article I realized its not only me whose lost because my father is lost but plenty of others are also facing the same sadness, denial and regret thinking I should have done this to him when he was alive or said aloud how much i love him… I lost my father due to sudden cardiac arrest 16 days ago and the part which hurts the most is that he has called me when he got a chest pain and I missed that call!! and then he has called my aunty’s husband telling him to come to go to the doctor. he has taken 45 minutes to come and by the time he came he was already gone… they called me at work to say my father was not talking.. why couldn’t they do that as soon as they got the call from him then I would have been there with him… I would have saved him or said goodbye.. Now I don’t know how he is in the other side.. And I wish I was with him… This is so hard to bear it and the hardest part for the living is that others don’t understand what we are going thru until they go through the same.. they think that we should be okay and carry on with our lives just after the funeral without realizing the fact how can you after losing a major part of your life, a person who has sacrificed his whole life for us… How can we forget a special loved one like that… specially a father.. I know I will never be the same again either… I’m 26 and my father was 58 when he passed away…

  111. maureen said on January 31, 2013 at 8:22 pm ... #

    My papa died June 28, 2011..7 months..seems like seconds ago. My Knight in Shining Armour! I held his hand and told him to embrace Jesus…as his spirit rose. And that we would see him soon. Just a few weeks before, he asked me the hardest request ever (I’m the oldest of 4 girls) his request was, “I. Need you to be braver than me”. I was. I’ve always been very strong..but this took me down. At 1st, I was so happy for him to have reached Heaven. Then adrenanline hit. He gave me a list of things I. Needed to repair at their house. So my mom would be ok and safe. Took my mom to all her appointments(found out she has dementia…diagnosed in 2009…my dad never told me!) By October 2011; I’m 60 lbs. Lighter, vitamin d and b defiecient. Skipping heart, shingles, anxiety, depression on and on

  112. maureen said on January 31, 2013 at 8:37 pm ... #

    I hit the submit before I was finished…. I’m also having seizures and any thing I eat goes straight thru me. Yes, I’m seeing many doctors… no one has answers except to medicate me… my therapist says she can’t tell me what to do? Is anyone else out there having this extreme of grief? Half of me went with him. My sisters finally started helping with my mom in November 2011. I wish I had a magic wand to fix this all…but I don’t. My husband and sons are of no help of even listening to my pain. I at least had nearly 50 years with my dad…but to me this makes it harder. He told me weeks before he died, that he was dying (cancer..and I knew long before that) was there anything I wanted to say to him? I said, I love you…he said, ‘thats it?’ I said yes… I love you and I won’t leave you… I never left him…I now wonder what I will do with the rest of my life? I never imagined life without my dad (papa as we called him) :(

  113. maureen said on January 31, 2013 at 8:48 pm ... #

    Dear anonymous, I just read your story…oh my gosh…its only been days for you…so very sorry

  114. Anonymous said on February 14, 2013 at 3:18 am ... #

    Hi Maureen, thanks a lot for your condolences.. yes for today now it’s been 36 days for today… I still can’t believe he is gone.. I feel like I talk to him every night in my dreams and I visit him every day.. that’s what keeps me going and the thought that I am going to see him in the other side so I pray to god every day asking him to take me to where my father is… It is so pointless living like this without my Idol the only person who I looked up to.. My mother and he is separated and recently I saw on her face book she has said that her brother has passed away and I know she’s referring to my father. It’s so sickening as in to why cant she even call my father her husband. he was a great man it’s her who left him and she’s pretty close with me she doesn’t know that I have even seen that comment. I feel so lost.. the only person who I normally open up to is my father because he is so intelligent and patient he always knows how to give me a perfect advice calmly now I’m left with a mother who says she lost her brother without even admitting that it’s her husband and I’m sure she will even be ashamed to tell that she has a daughter of 26 years thinking she will chase away her boy-toys…. I don’t know what to do and who to talk to now my father is not there.. but sometimes I feel like he’s with me, I feel his presence I just cant touch him.. I cry everyday, even when I’m at work I go in to wash room cry my heart out and come back like nothing happened at home I don’t show my husband that I’m sad because he gets worried so I pretend like I’m okay… I feel so lost…

  115. WebWatcher said on February 21, 2013 at 9:20 pm ... #

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  116. Anonymous said on March 8, 2013 at 2:59 am ... #

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  117. Nikky said on March 22, 2013 at 12:57 pm ... #

    I can very well understand the pain by which the family goes when their close one dies.My father passed away on 5th-sep-12.It was the worst period for all of us when he was suddenly diagnosed with lung cancer of the last stage.He survived only 20 days after diagnosis.we misses him alot.we are broken internally.But to support my mother I pretend to be happy.I am the only son in the family.Just started my career.Elder sister got married.Very difficult to cope up without him.Misses my father each day.

  118. Mary said on April 25, 2013 at 11:09 am ... #

    Just lost my beloved father (Putrus Khoshaba) on march 26 2013 ..
    Miss him so much that I can’t seem to continue with my life, he was my everything, love him and miss him everyday till they end..

    You never said “I’m leaving”
    You never said “goodbye”
    You were gone before I knew it,
    And only God knew why.

    There are no words to tell you
    Just what I feel inside
    The shock, the hurt, the anger
    Might gradually subside

    A million times I’ll need you
    A million times I’ll cry
    If Love alone could have saved you
    You never would have died

    In Life I loved you dearly
    In death I love you still
    In my heart you hold a place
    That no one could ever fill

    It broke my heart to lose you
    But you didn’t go alone
    For part of me went with you
    The day God took you home

    Things will never be the same
    And all though it hurts so bad
    I will smile whenever I hear your name
    And be proud you were my Dad.

  119. Patrick Alexander said on May 17, 2013 at 9:47 pm ... #

    i lost my dad from lung cancer when i was 13 years old and as i write this comment tears run down my cheeks your story broke my heart

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  122. Anonymous said on May 21, 2013 at 10:09 am ... #

    hi there it true what you wrote about but some of our dads do not die they disappear and run away i am sorry about your loss

  123. anonymous said on May 23, 2013 at 10:06 am ... #

    my dad passed 9 ago my bro and mom are doing well my sis and me are so lost. I was truly a daddies girl. I miss his so much so confused don’t know how to move on. He had two types of cancer, brain tumor and lung cancer. I don’t think people know how to react around me. The worst pain so sad and lonely without him. He died at 75 and very thankful of the time I had with and the memories. First Fathers day without him. He was my rock, my hero, my tusted best friend that i could tell him anything and he kept it private. I didnt get to say goodbye so I wrote him a letter and going to bring it to the cemetary. Wish I could call him or hug him again. Love you dad, i know you are my guardian angel know. Your the best dad in the world!!!!!!

  124. Todd said on July 26, 2013 at 7:57 pm ... #

    Thank you for the beautiful writing. I found your post because I was searching for “my tagline”, but as it happens I lost my Dad recently — just last month, actually — so I kept reading.

    You’re very right about how things change. I think a lot and I have an active (sometimes overactive) imagination and fantasy life. I thought many times about what it would be like once he was gone, and I’m usually pretty good about imagining things. But I can honestly say that it’s not like I expected, my Dad being gone.

    Probably the single biggest thing that changed in me that you also mentioned is learning more fully that you have to tell people how much they mean to you. Whatever reasons I may have once had for ending a conversation without telling a person thank you, or going for so long without calling my mom, or not letting my best friend know that she means the world to me… whatever those reasons are, they’re not worth losing the opportunity to remind myself and the other person that our love and friendship is real and that it means as much to me as it does.

    I really miss my Dad, but I know that he left me with something that will make my life the best it can be. And that’s going to be the thing that will survive the grief that I feel.

  125. Aa said on July 27, 2013 at 8:52 am ... #

    Thank you for this wonderful article. I lost my Dad when I was 15. I feel even today that I am incomplete without him around. Had to make decisions on my own. Some good some bad. I wish he was around to see his grand kids. But that void in me will never be filled.

  126. S.Lynn said on July 31, 2013 at 3:20 pm ... #

    My dad passed away on 6/4/13 of small cell exoskeleton mixed carcinoma (lung CANCER) <3 My boyfriends dad passed 6/5/13 and his mom in 2012 both of lung cancer.

  127. varun soni said on July 31, 2013 at 4:50 pm ... #

    Thank you! Thank you! So much this article, this story is too much similar nd now I m missing my dad.its very difficult to face life.”I never will be same”

  128. Nathalya ❤ said on August 1, 2013 at 4:01 pm ... #

    This is so true. I’m really messed up because.. Well I recently had to leave my best friend. </3 I can't go a day without him. When I said I was leaving, I knew it was a mistake. I wasn't going to tell him.. I shouldn't have. The last thing he said to me was "I know what I'm going to do now" and I knew what he meant. I told him not to but he said it was "his time". We haven't talked since then and it was stupid to leave him. He was who I went to when I wanted to speak my mind. We shared jokes and memories, I tried to make sure no one hurt him.. But in the end, I feel that I did too much damage. And you're right. I lost a puzzle piece. The most important one which makes up the whole picture. I went to him and he went to me. There will never be another friend like him. I lost my mind and I wish I could talk to him.. I don't know if I'll ever get another chance. I screwed it all up. I wish I hadn't.

  129. LilyRose said on August 4, 2013 at 4:10 pm ... #

    I lost my dad 4 years ago when I was 19, to
    Cancer. I feel like I grieve more now than I did for the first years and often wonder why i continue to grieve, or why it took me so long.Your comment about the missing piece of the puzzle and him taking it with him helps me make sense of that, as gradually seeing that life will never be the same or will never be what it should have been is what brings me the most sadness. Lovely article.

  130. Anonymous said on August 9, 2013 at 12:21 pm ... #

    I need your advices please . I read the comments of the people saying that they will never be the same again or happy again , years after they lost their fathers. Is it really true? My father left for a better life 3 weeks ago and I can’t live with the feeling. If you say it will continue like this ,that time doesnt heal the wound, I don’t want to live anymore. I can’t live like this, they already gave me so many antidepressives and I still feel live is unbearable. There is nobody here who lost a father and then recovered? Nobody happy, even without his or her father ,even after years? If it will be like this for the rest of my life, why continue living? I don’t believe in stuff like ” to make him proud”, or ” because he would have wanted that”,it’s just words , clichee . I go to bed wishing to die in sleep, but nothing happens and I awake every day. The worst is that I don’t have any video or audio recording of him. I never did one. Like a curse, I did so many with dogs , with me and places, not with him. I never believed I would need them . I must hear his voice and I don’t have even a mobil phone message, nothing. How to live like this ? I am only 30, I could live another 30 or 40 years, it will be like this every day untill I will completelly get mad or luckly have a heart attack? Nobody feels better at all? What to do now and tomorrow and the day after without him? for the next years or decades? It’s a cruelty , I was never happy , always had problems, I can’t even count on happy memories with him,but at least I could live the day. It’s cruelty this happens to already unhappy people or poor people or sick people. I don’t even have a brother or sister to share the sadness.

  131. jayme said on August 27, 2013 at 2:04 am ... #

    I too know the loss of a parent. I was four years old when my dad suddenly died from a massive heart attack. Even after twenty two years I still feel pain from his death. It has gotten easier over the years but my heart still breaks knowing he is gone. I often wonder why God took my father away and kept the bad people here, I felt as if no one understood what I was going through. I kept my grief hidden from the world. People think I should have gotten over it by now. Those people just don’t understand, you will never forgot the loss of a loved one, but your heart will heal!

  132. Tracy Leyden said on August 27, 2013 at 9:39 pm ... #

    Anonymous, I too feel your pain, and live with mine very single day, wondering what the hell is the point? I have no siblings either, and it is a very lonely journey with sorrow…..With many friends that just walk away, cause you are depressing, which exasperates the grief & sorrow. For me it has been 10 months, and I feel worse. I just started seeing a professional that is very empathetic, and I just talk. Not sure if it helps, still hurts, but at least I can talk to someone I trust, doesn’t judge or interrupt with their trivial dailies, even though I have to pay the Dr. Please know you are not alone, I feel the exact same way, and I will never be the same as I was before, and a part of me had gone with my dad. I feel empty & lifeless, nothing matters anymore. How do we cope, I guess that is an individual experience, but those with little support, have a much harder time finding meaning. Sending you

  133. Vanessa said on September 1, 2013 at 12:21 pm ... #

    Thank you, thank you. Someone feels like I did and do today, a little over 2 yrs after my mamas sudden illness and passing. It seems, that always being told that things ill get better, being told “still” after its obvious I miss my mom. Yet, these persons have both parents alive. I have no one to talk to, so I isolated myself at home. And prayed for guidance. Everyday gets better, but the loss of my mom, who I I saw everyday since I was born. And did everything with. Takes time.

  134. Brian said on September 3, 2013 at 2:09 am ... #

    I’ve read and respect everyone that has poured their story into their comment, it truly makes me feel connected to a lot of others out there and that feels great! However, I lost my father at age six in 2002. It’s been over 10 years now and everything is coming to a head, hence is why I feel the need to write about it and because I recently started college. People used to tell me to get over it and let go of the past even still to this day, I never gave or give a response to that because I don’t generally agree with it, how can some people even think to say that? They don’t understand how it feels. I remember him having the cancer for the majority of my six years of living and having to help my mom and twelve year old sister with his well-being. It was rough to say the least. It just sucks because I was just getting to know him and start a decent relationship like any son would with his father and seeing kids with their fathers now just makes it so much harder. It genuinely makes me want to finish what my dad was supposed to do for me when and if I have a son. I know he would like that.

  135. Anonymous said on September 4, 2013 at 9:13 pm ... #

    I lost my dad 3 weeks ago and I do not how I can live without him.

  136. jessyka said on September 12, 2013 at 12:20 am ... #

    This article has truly touched me. My dad died october 30 2011. I was 14 when he died and it was a vrry tramatic experience. Hi never got along with my mother so when he died everything went downhill. I suddenly lost everything. I was missing my peice. I of course have my sisters but i needed to be strong for them. This year will be two years and since that horrible night that he abbruptly and so suddenly died i have never been the same. I always said i didny like my dad and even fought with him about his alcoholism the day before he died. I love and miss him so much its almost unimaginable. I stumbled across your amazing story trying to look up ways to cope with my depression for his death. I cant help but to relate to the part about comparing myself to my friends who have fathers. Its very true. I do it everyday. I live with my cousins and of course their father. I am so gratful for my uncle taking a father role in my life but as you could imagine its not the same so i cant even talk to.them cause they would never understand. I will never forget your writing on your fathera death. It was very helpful and made m feel less alone.
    Thank you so much!

  137. Indra sharma said on September 12, 2013 at 1:02 pm ... #

    Today it is one month when I lost my father whom I loved most.I happened to read your your feeling how much it has touched my heart and feel the same.Though my father was old he had lived his life but still I feel part of me has has gone.YES I Will never be same again…..as before.Thanks for giving words to the feelings God bless.

  138. Shannon said on September 16, 2013 at 2:45 am ... #

    My dad died suddenly of a pulmonary embolism on 8/31/13 at 5pm. We thought it was a heart attack since he had stints put in the month before. He had survived cancer, 2 heart attacks, 2 surgeries that put him into a coma. He had always defied the odds. My life has been destroyed. I has had left for 20 mins with my mom to the bank, didn’t tell him bye or love you. When we pulled up my brother ran out crying saying dad collapsed. When I ran back his eyes were wide open unresponsive and lips blue. I immediately started mouth to mouth/cpr. About two minutes later the ambulance arrived. They worked on him for 20mins and his pulse weakened so they transported. After another 45mins the words I feared most were spoken by the ER doctor…he was gone. I immediately brokedown, screaming daddy no daddy no! You see my dad was my rock, my friend. The first man I loved and the only one I truly trusted. I have 7 yyear old son I would have to break the news that his papa the man he idolized was gone. No words, no hug, nothing could make it better. All I wanted was my daddy back. The daddy that I spent afternoons with and late night snacks with. The daddy that would have inside jokes that only him and I got. I loved it..and in an instant it was gone. The worst part for me was my dad did not know I left. My brother heard him call out for me twice. He didn’t know I had left. Did he think I was ignoring him? Did he know I loved him more than works could say? My parent had been married 36 years. My mom 18 and my dad 20. They knew eachother 4 months before knowing that was it for them. My parents struggled, we never knew. They made sure we always had what we needed. My dad worked so hard and enjoyed providing for his family. He was my true hero. My heart feels like it has been torn out of my chest and I am in a glass jar and the world I’d going on around me. How do I live and move on without him? Never tohave hin walk me down the aisle if I get married, no more christmas tradition of us hanging the lights together. I miss him more than I could ever express…people have said it getd better with time, that’s BS to me. How is it possibly going to get better. He’s gone at 56. I am mad at the world and angry I was cheated out of time with him

  139. Anonymous said on September 16, 2013 at 9:34 pm ... #

    I’m a 28yr old female who just lost her dad 3 months ago.. My dad and I were really close. The death was so unexpected that at the prayer service, funeral or burial service I was so numb and so cold I never cried.. I’m trying to figure out life without my hero, best friend and all go to dad for anything. He was so excited to walk me down the aisle since out of 3 girls I was the last. He was excited to be a first time grandpa to one of my sisters. I’m out raged that I have questions that I won’t ever get answers. My fiance was lucky to ask my dad foe my band and

  140. dave said on September 17, 2013 at 5:44 am ... #

    I never knew what forever was until my parents died…

    I am 52. I had my parents for a long long time STILL,It has been 18 months since dad passed and 6 months since mom left us. Plus 16 months since my mother in law passed as well. THE PAIN DOESN’T STOP. I miss them terribly.

  141. Michelle said on September 18, 2013 at 9:11 pm ... #

    My dad was diagnosed with cancer in his kidney in January 2013 and was advised to get it removed. It was a risk but we were told by his doctor the risks were no different than anyone else going in for a major operation. . . His operation was on June 5th 2013 and two days later after a brave battle with COPD he died suddenly at 11.01am on June 7th 2013.

    I will never forget the phone call that Friday morning, and I will never know how I managed the ten minute drive to the hospital with the hurt and anger I felt for the medical staff for telling us to leave his bedside and ‘to go home and get some sleep and not to worry as our dad was recovering’.

    I have stayed strong for my mother, who my father took care of, as she has a disability, but every day I find it so difficult to believe that we never got to say goodbye to him. Even though we as a family have stayed strong and supported each others grief, we all find it so difficult to understand why for two days the nurses kept telling us he was okay to the point they sent us all home the night before he died. I felt anger as it was almost like they didn’t see the person my dad was, just this 72 year old man.

    In case any medical staff, or anyone who is in the caring profession is reading my post, this story is really for you. Like the other comments, it is clear how precious a father is to a child, if that father was the child’s teacher, hero and best friend. Dads are at the end of the day human like the rest of us. . . but in the eyes of their children, grandchildren and in some cases great grandchildren. . . they are superman. My father loved us, cared for us and cared for our children. He taught us about life, instilled in us values and most importantly unconditional love.

    In his final hours it was our time to take care of him, but we put that care into the medical system because we were taught by our father to trust. . . to respect.

    I realise that nurses and doctors must adhere to their professional training and expertise, but when do they stop thinking of the human factor. My father was treated as a patient. They didn’t see the person or care about the adults in the waiting room, his children trying so hard to be there for their dad. They saw a patient, not the 72 year old man fighting to stay alive for his kids and wife. The man who was orphaned, fought for his country, took care of a disabled wife, which cost him to have no real life of his own and take all that love, he didn’t have as a child, and give it to his children. The man who would not let his tragic life be passed onto his children, but to show us how to love so that we passed it onto our children.

    So if you are a nurse or doctor reading this please look at the family crying and in real pain themselves for their father, husband, brother, grandad, great grandad and uncle. See the man who is lying fighting for his life. Think of how he knows what his children are going through and that’s why he is fighting the pain. Be truthful to the man, be truthful to his family. Show compassion and patience and most of all understand that the man you are taking care of is the more than just ‘your patient’. . . he is someone who has lived a lifetime, loved a lot and means the world to those holding his frightened hand, by his bedside. Allow the family to comfort him, to love him back and to be with him just in case it is his time.

    IF YOU HAVE THE SLIGHTEST DOUBT IN YOUR MIND OF YOUR PATIENT’S SURVIVAL. . . NEVER EVER SEND THE PEOPLE WHO LOVE HIM AWAY. . . BECAUSE AS A DAUGHTER, WHO MISSES HER DADDY EVERY DAY, I NEVER GOT TO SAY GOODBYE WHEN I COULD HAVE AND NO MATTER HOW STRONG OF HEART MY FATHER WAS, HE WOULD HAVE BEEN SCARED AND HE DIED ALONE. I HAVE TO LIVE THE REST OF MY LIFE KNOWING THIS.

    REMEMBER THEY ARE NOT JUST A PATIENT. THEY ARE LOVED.

  142. Tina said on September 22, 2013 at 5:59 pm ... #

    What you say here us so so true! I have just lost my dad to Cancer 8 weeks ago and I feel lost! But, I have also seen the need to make every minute of my life mean something!
    It would be great to talk to you. Please feel free to email me.

  143. Tina said on September 22, 2013 at 6:09 pm ... #

    My father had only just turned 63 in July and died of Cancer August 13th :( I miss him so so much!

  144. Raina said on October 1, 2013 at 1:08 pm ... #

    Thank you. It’s coming up on 21 years since my mother died and it still hurts. I’m just so relieved to know someone knows how I felt.

  145. Sami said on October 3, 2013 at 11:25 pm ... #

    I’ve only just lost my daddy a little over a month ago. I’m only 14, and he too passed from lung cancer. He was my best friend to be honest. I miss him so much sometimes I don’t even think it’s worth going on without him. I’m just a little girl, and little girls need their fathers….heroes….protectors. They shouldn’t have to watch their daddy’s take their last gasp of breath lying in a hospital bed. But I know right now my family cannot handle another loss, my mom just lost her husband and I can’t make the selfish decision to take away her youngest child too.

  146. Monique said on October 17, 2013 at 3:26 am ... #

    Hay there..I am 14 years old and my Dad passed away when I was 12 years old and my sister only 6. I am lost without him and I just can’t move on. I am really happen that I had read this. It thought me that he will always be a part of me but it also taught me to treasure our memories. I thank you for this <3

  147. Kusha Agrawal said on October 24, 2013 at 2:44 am ... #

    I lost my dad 2 months ago…Somebody killed him brutally…I lost my mother at a very young age of 11 . My father was everything for us …. I don’t know whether my life would be the same ever as it was 2 months ago…..I miss him everyday and cry for him…..I have a very nice husband and 2 beautiful children and that’s the reason I am still I am on this earth but will I be able to give them any happiness ever . COmpletely lost , shattered ….

  148. Stacy said on October 27, 2013 at 3:15 am ... #

    I just lost my dad on Oct. 1, 2013 and I just don’t know how to deal with it. I don’t have anyone to talk to and I’ve been holding it all in because my mom is a mess, my brother cry’s if you bring it up at all and the only other person around is my 15 year old daughter. So I’m being the strong one. I just hope I don’t loose it.

  149. Niki said on October 29, 2013 at 2:25 pm ... #

    I lost my dad 15 days before and it seems like my life is pointless now. I feel like a lifeless body. Want to keep myself strong for my children but cant do.
    My dad was my pride and its so true that the pain of the daughter for the loss of father cannot be felt by anybody other than your ownself. I dont know how to deal with it. life seems to be so pointless at this time.
    Everyone says whatever happens happens for good. what good is here that I lost my dad when he was only 65.

  150. Suzanne said on November 1, 2013 at 1:54 pm ... #

    I lost my dad on 1/4/13 due to lung problemsand the pain is one of the worst I’ve ever experienced. I cry a lot and nobody no s about it. I have good friends and a boyfriend all of which still have their dads and mums I’m jealous to tell the truth for I want my dad back. He was my world, my. Comforter, my rock. People used to say u never seen one without the other. I’ve no one to talk to for nobody understands , my friends and boyfriend don’t understand they look at me with sympathetic eyes and so I never mention him. They can’t imagine the pain the whole I have in my heart, how different my life is. I’m lonely and I think I’m depressed. I don’t want to continue my life without my dad for I told him home is where he is and this isn’t home anymore.

  151. Suzanne said on November 1, 2013 at 1:55 pm ... #

    I lost my dad on 1/4/13 due to lung problemsand the pain is one of the worst I’ve ever experienced. I cry a lot and nobody no s about it. I have good friends and a boyfriend all of which still have their dads and mums I’m jealous to tell the truth for I want my dad back. He was my world, my. Comforter, my rock. People used to say u never seen one without the other. I’ve no one to talk to for nobody understands , my friends and boyfriend don’t understand they look at me with sympathetic eyes and so I never mention him. They can’t imagine the pain the whole I have in my heart, how different my life is. I’m lonely and I think I’m depressed. I don’t want to continue my life without my dad for I told him home is where he is and this isn’t home anymore. I’m 19 and he was only just 54

  152. Anonymous said on November 5, 2013 at 6:42 pm ... #

    Nikki….I know how bad it hurts. Two years and five months. Yes I still hve days that make me feel lifeless. I can say…it getsbetter…its slow moving. Those days still come…but less and less. We have all lost a small piece of our heart. Time has to heal it. Love and light to you!!!

  153. Anonymous said on November 5, 2013 at 7:00 pm ... #

    Also…would like to thank everyone on this disscussion for sharing. I forgot who…but a famous person said , “the loss of a parent will be the single most traumatic event in most of our lives.” So true. Nothing is the same…everything will always be a little bit different. I do not have anyone who has ever understood this loss. My dad was everything. Kusha, I relate to where you are. I need to take care of my daughter, who is going through a hard time and I fear I am mot as present as I should be. Sometimes I am just too sad. We will all get better…its just things will be different now. That takes a long time to get use to. Thanks again to everyone who has shared. Peace to all!!!

  154. Jatin Acharya said on November 19, 2013 at 8:04 pm ... #

    I lost my Dad to myeloma in 2007, when I was 41.
    But,like a kid,I still miss him everyday and nearly every hour and feel he will somehow come back.

    I thought,at my age, I would be strong.

    That overwhelming desire to cry lays heavily on my chest.And,I do.I do cry a lot.

    It seems I am talking to him when I cry. I feel good.

    I never want to be released from that feeling.

    I do not want to stop missing him.

    Strength to all.

  155. Anastasia said on November 21, 2013 at 10:15 pm ... #

    So Im 13 (14 this Monday) my dad passed away from lung and brain cancer about a week ago. It was SO sudden, it happened within 3 days. He was 51 and very healthy. He recently completed a half marathon. I was very very close to my dad so Im scared… Don’t really know what will happen next!

  156. Abbie said on November 24, 2013 at 8:07 am ... #

    Hi my dad died in May and I am still finding it very hard because I was very close to my dad.But It din’t help that my mum and dad had split up and I had to go back and to,to both houses Also it’s ok to cry its showing that u care ans want him back!

  157. Ellie said on December 6, 2013 at 11:04 pm ... #

    It helps to know that they are at peace and won’t suffer from their illness or life’s hardships anymore. Plus our father would have definitely wanted to know we were going on in life without suffering daily for him. Still, it takes time and it’s different for everyone. No one will understand how deep your pain is, but others in similar situations are going through their own unique pain every day and finding strength to overcome it. For some unknown reason God has chosen to allow this terrible loss. We have to trust in Him. Let go and trust in Him. We will see them again. Allow yourself to believe. Don’t let anyone take that away from you.

  158. Anonymous said on December 13, 2013 at 9:53 pm ... #

    every christmas I.miss my father,because he was the embodiment of christmas in my family , he made everything seemed perfect and time with him was like heaven on earth,
    I can still see him listening to christmas carols in.the dark. while lost in thought, memories make it difficult to still. remember him, the make me Miss him more because at this stage , he was supposed to be here ti guide me through tough things , and desicions I am making .One thing I know is life has never been the same since Daddy left, a big piece of me is at large be it he took it with him or whether I threw it away I can never tell. He was the best at what whatever he did and I managed to define myself through his deeds and thoughts as well as some of his philosophical ideas and guiding principles
    my greatest regret was I made a few mistakes with daddy during his last days and I never told him I loved him, things that would haunt me for the rest of my life
    Big phil, loved you always and would always for all time to come sorry I was not there when u were leaving may be it was for the better
    All I know is that I would never be the same without you

  159. Ryan Brookins said on December 18, 2013 at 5:00 am ... #

    When I was 23, I am now 24 years old.I lost my father 2 years ago when he suffered a heart attack in his sleep. He was 53 years old. I miss him dearly everyday, and wish that somehow someway I could see him and hear his voice. The pain and anguish of knowing everyday you don’t have that one person that meant so much to you is truly the hardest thing in life to grab a hold of. I often catch myself looking in the mirror and seeing who I am and if I could see him in me…. I know that I am very grateful and blessed to me brought into this world by him, and that alone makes me want to do the best in my life cause that’s what all the people in our lives SINCERELY want for us, especially out parents. So I think of you all as people I can relate to and sympathize for. God bless you all, for as all of us will be I’m heaven reuniting with the loved ones we so dearly miss!

  160. anonymous said on December 31, 2013 at 2:44 am ... #

    I lost my dad in 1995.its been 18 years. Seemed like forever. My mother died 2 years ago in March. We are just now working on her house. Ive been taking her clothes to the nursing home because she would of wanted them to go to someone that could use them. The other day while cleaning a closet we found boxes of my daddys clothes. We decided I should take them to the nursing home also. When I went back to get them I just broke down crying again for him. Its probably been over 10 years since I last cried for him but seeing his things and my mothers was so hard. And taking them and giving them away has just broken my heart all over again. How do you ever get over this feeling of loss. Still grieving so bad for my mother and now my daddy too. Im even having to take medication and now its not even helping. Just dont know how to get through this pain. Thanks for listening to me. :(

  161. Lisa said on January 21, 2014 at 9:07 pm ... #

    I especially sympathize with Tracy Leyden and anyone else who has no siblings to share the same memories of a parent. When my father passed I couldn’t have cared less if a bus hit me, and my mother was the type to focus on herself so there was no help there, even though she had 8 siblings to be there for her…I often feel like those people who complain that they have nothing in common with their siblings are taking something very important for granted.
    I have dreaded the thought of losing my parents since the idea first occurred to me in 9th grade, because who could I share the process or the memories with when it finally occurred? If you wind up with a player for 15 years like I did, that can easily turn out to be no children to remember their grandparent, or husband to understand or care. Talk about being isolated.
    The one thing I can offer as a balm is something that surprised the heck outta me…I grew up being extremely scientific and non-religious, so not given to wishful thinking…yet…about 20 minutes after my father very unexpectedly passed away in his hospital room, the recessed lights above his head went out for about 10 seconds. I remember me and my dad’s best friend Mike who was there(another cynic) looking at each other and saying “now that was weird”. Even an agnostic like me knows that one of the main laws of physics says that energy is neither created nor destroyed, it simply changes form. Since all living creatures run on electrical energy, it follows that when they pass, that energy just gets diverted somewhere else, but doesn’t cease to exist. And some very strange things have happened since then in the 7 years since my dad has been gone, that would seem impossible unless a real practical joker like my dad was behind it :)
    Lisa

  162. Anonymous said on February 2, 2014 at 11:12 pm ... #

    I’m so sorry for all of your losses
    My dad committed suicide 3 weeks after my 7th birthday. I’m now 12 almost 13 and I still cry a lot. I have been in the depths of depression and the heart wrenching experience of having a stepdad and cutting. I still have a stepdad whom I do not like very much but I am 17 weeks and 2 days clean!! And I’m not depressed I just have days where I will be thinking about it a lot.

  163. Ahsan said on February 10, 2014 at 9:34 pm ... #

    Hi
    Thank you very much for your article. Your article is much more like to my own feelings. I lost my dad in 2007 when I was a college first year student and 17 years old. Every single day I missed my dad . I feel my dad in all good deed what I do . Now My eyes are full with tears for my dad and I can’t stop crying.

  164. Andrew said on February 22, 2014 at 8:46 pm ... #

    My father died today. I don’t know why but if this helps me as I don’t have a very supportive family after an 18 year family feud that wasn’t my parents doing.

    My lovely man your spirit is free, I left you with no doubt you meant so much to me. You’ve left me proud of what I’ve done and did it for love not just a son.
    You didn’t have to say how much you cared, as I feel it now through so much we shared. R I P dad.

  165. Andreas said on March 12, 2014 at 4:44 pm ... #

    Hi thanks for shearing, I lost my father a month ago to a stroke he was 63 and I feel I have changed, the things that I worried about seem so small now and the things that I in enjoyed doing give me no happiness it is hard to explain. Some days I say everything will be fine I will get through this and other days I say what is the point of all this what kind of life is this when such a hard working man that did nothing bad to anyone and who worked his hole life for his family die. I guess it is a process I am going through, all I know it is going to take awile

  166. Archana Singh said on April 3, 2014 at 6:46 am ... #

    I lost my father on 6th January 2014, the very next day of my Birthday. On 5th January he called me on my mobile to wish me my birthday. I was married on 14 February 2013, my first anniversary was yet to come, i have so many plans for that day. My father was very simple person,honest,innocent man. He was just 55 years old, he had done lots of hard-work to run the family to provide me education.He had some small dreams which could never come true. My mother is dying every day i am too dying every day. My parents were married in their young ages. God has not even given us time to have last talk with our father, he just left the home for office early in the morning and within ten minutes my mother receive phone call from police that my father had fallen on the earth and they took him to the hospital where he was declared brought dead. My father died due to cardiac attack, there was blockage in my father Heart and we were unaware of that even my father was also unaware of that. Now i have been changed since my father died.I have lost all my faith in God, my parents was very religious and God fearing persons but God you have not given once chance.

  167. Fa'iza said on April 4, 2014 at 1:36 pm ... #

    Wat a painful nd touched article, I know its ainful to loss someone you love. Your article really touch me

  168. nonko said on April 6, 2014 at 1:21 pm ... #

    its so sad, loneliness in my heart that makes me feel sad and my father was my life, he was very special treating everyone with respect. im a very strong person through him, he was my hero. I wish I could wake him up just to tell him how much I miss him, he was part of my life.he died in 1999 but still miss him a lot.

  169. Anonymous said on April 10, 2014 at 12:49 pm ... #

    I identify with a lot of what you wrote. My father died from cancer when I was 13. I was with him and remember it all very vividly, even though it’s been 10 years. He was the most special person in my life; I idolized him and he was a great dad. He understood my personality and always knew how to make me feel better. When he died, my best friend was gone. I still haven’t dealt with it.

  170. jenna said on April 20, 2014 at 10:45 pm ... #

    On May 7th 2014 it will be 3 years since my beloved father died at the age of 89. I have not been able to recover from losing him. He was my angel in disguise. I had a strong loving bond with him. My mother, who I hated died about 6 months ago and for me she is not dead enough. I am one of the walking dead as my father took most of me with him when he died. He was the person I deeply depended on my whole life. He was the surrogate father to my son as I was a single parent. He was everything good in the world. My depression is consuming me. I have my plot near his and when I visit his grave I have many moments I wish I could be done with this life. I have an amazing son who has his own life in another part of the country so because of him I am still here. I am terribly lonely and struggle with physical issues that never cease. I pray to a g-d I hope hears me as I have my whole life. My mother had a very negative effect on me. I have seen bereavement therapist and some regular ones which aren’t helping. Medications make me feel worse. I just can’t solve the problems in my life and feel so helpless. If I didn’t have my son I would welcome leaving this shitty world behind. Wish I was never born.

  171. Archana Singh said on April 21, 2014 at 4:51 am ... #

    Reference column dated 3rd April 2014, whenever i heard about Angiogarphy or bypass surgery it hurts me a lot, my father died due heart disease which could be cure but unawareness of his diseases lead us towards his death.My mother can not sleep well in nights, life is more than hell for us. God is there? I dont believe in God any more.

  172. bijouxaine said on April 28, 2014 at 5:49 pm ... #

    lost my dad a year ago today, i dont want another day to go by. am scared that it gets easier of the memories fade. he was my world. i just want him back

  173. LV said on April 30, 2014 at 12:35 pm ... #

    I don’t know if it is more difficult to watch your dad suffer from an illness or to loose him just like that…murder/natural cause/accident? My father meant the world to me! He was so full of life! Had so much talent and always made people laugh! My dad meant so much to me and this July will be 2 years and it’s not getting easier! I don’t see how it can! How can someone you have known all your life disappear and it gets easier not to see them, not to talk with them, not to laugh with them! I don’t understand when people say he is in a better place! If he wasn’t sick and full of life…the only place that is better – is with your family! Why do people have to leave this world…death is unacceptable! My father was a wonderful person! Great dad, husband and grandfather! I miss him so very much and I still cry often! My father knew how to swim very well..and he drown in the lake! Don’t understand why! He was healthy and had no issues! He just drown! So hard to deal with!

  174. RJ said on May 2, 2014 at 11:23 am ... #

    I came across this post when I typed into Google “I’m afraid my step-father is going to die without me telling him I hate him”. There weren’t any matches.

    Your post may have just changed my life. As I read how you have no one to answer your questions anymore, questions about death and how you grew up never even thinking about those questions, I realized how different I am from you. I can imagine it must be annoying to hear some stranger comparing never having their father, or a father who really ever cared to having something so final as death seperate you from your father; but I realized, that all I ever did was think about those things and ask those questions and never had any answer. Ever. How all I ever was, was incomplete – and different. Even in a generation which seemed where 1/2 of everyone I knew was from divorced, fatherless families. Maybe that’s why I was always such a mess, and so incomplete, because I didn’t have that.

    But I just wanted to say: you WILL see your father again. And I will too. Except for me, my real father is God, just as he is yours, & we will finally be reunited. There will never be anymore death. You may think you’re incomplete, but, you are. And everyday now, you have a gift, of being awake, and knowing the Truth – that in this place, with all it’s wonder n beauty, its a place of exile, separation… Until we finally return home. Where we were supposed to be all this time. That’s where your father who you miss so much is, waiting for you to come back too. It’s going to be an amazing day… and it’s coming soon.

  175. Archana Singh said on May 20, 2014 at 3:03 am ... #

    my papa, do you know what problem we are facing now-a-days? papa my mother’s life has became more than horrible.She is missing you in every moment of her life. its been more than 4 months since you left us forever but your memories can never be fade. Papa please ask God that how many sufferings are still pending for my mother and for us.Papa i do not know what problem you are facing, i have lost all my faith in God, the day you left us i lost my faith in God.Papa i know you were most innocent person of this world and religious. But God has not favor you.Papa please come back as my papa or call me and my mother.

  176. anonymous said on May 21, 2014 at 9:29 pm ... #

    Hi Everyone,
    After having read many of these comments I feel like I have something valuable to add. My father died of cancer when I was 7. Now I have two young children (2 & 5) and I am battling cancer myself. I have been writing a journal to them because, realistically, I won’t be around when they are older. For a while I carried some guilt because I felt like I never told my father how much I loved him. Now that I am the father who will (probably) die young I look at it differently. I know that my father died at peace. He gave me life and he loved me dearly. When my daughters call to me in the middle of the night it drives me nuts (as it does all parents!!) but I also smile. My life is now complete because of them, just as I made my father’s life complete.

    I will always miss my father (I still ‘talk’ to him daily) but I will never allow myself to feel self-pity; to me that would be disrespectful to the life he gave me. It’s not always easy. But I can tell you one thing for certain, when my girls hug and kiss me, I am the happiest man in the world.

    I could probably go on; but instead I will go look at my girls as they sleep, and I will thank them for all they have given me.

  177. Archana Singh said on June 2, 2014 at 7:50 am ... #

    PAPA, I do not know why i write on this site, may be i can share my feelings on this site only.Because people of this world are not as emotional as I am, PAPA nobody understand me. I do not want to live a good life, i want to torch-er me.Why this happened with us only? Are we most sinful person of the world? Please reply……

  178. Anonymous said on June 9, 2014 at 5:15 am ... #

    But I’ve lost the co-rememberer in all the memories. Dad also died when I was 13…and I’ve already forgotten many of the memories, and now they’re just gone and I don’t even know what to do to keep my own playlist.

  179. Jan shaw said on June 30, 2014 at 7:27 am ... #

    Reading this and what others are going through brought me to tears. I’m 43 and lost my dad to pancreatic cancer on 29 may 2013, just over a year ago now, we were told he had 8 months to a year to go, we lost him just 3 weeks later. I feel my whole world has come crashing down, and I don’t think I’ll ever be the same again, the hurt and pain is unbearable. My life was a mess leading up to my dads death, I had major problems, I have so much guilt inside me and so much I wanted to say to my dad but didnt have the time, I live in guernsey he lived in uk. I went to see him when we found out he was dying and we all met as a family and went for a family day out walking. I came back to guernsey and my dad went into hospital for an op which was meant to just stop him itching. My family then told me dad was going downhill fast and I needed to return to uk. He was in such a bad way I couldn’t tell him how I felt. It was negligence that killed him so quick. Since losing my dad the whole family has fallen apart, where we should be sticking together were all at war over money that was left to my mum. I won’t go into it but lets just say my sister and and my mums grand lids have taken so much money of her she is close to losing her house.ive had to cut ties with them for my own sanity, I go to counceling weekly and feel so alone. It’s so hard not being able to just call my dad and say I love you and need you. My heart go’s out to you all on here that have lost a loved one. Rip dad I miss you so much :-( xxxx

  180. Daughter said on July 1, 2014 at 5:23 pm ... #

    Im 16 and i lost my father when i was 8. I never really lived with him after i turned 3 so yh i have hardly one or two memories of him. It’s almost like he never had a chance to be a part of my life, but my mum and family told me that he loved me more than anyone :’). When he didnt live with me after i turned 3 it was because he was in another country earning money for me and my brothers school fees. He would hardly visit and i was young so i dont remember much. He left me a doll i’ve had since i was a baby… I dont know if it would have been worse to know him and lost him, or if its better to not know him and lost him?… So yh a teenage daughter with a missing piece of her life that no one else can fill. A teenage daughter who doesnt have a father to guide her through life and advise her… Its full of confusion and pain. But at the end of the day i will ALWAYS love who ever my father was, because i know he made space in peoples hearts, and he lives there only, now that he’s gone. I know this by how people speak about him and i know he loves me. I love you so much DAD! xxx

  181. Anonymous said on July 4, 2014 at 5:26 pm ... #

    Hi everyone,
    I lost my mum 2 weeks after my 16th birthday. I was the oldest of 4 kids and I found it very hard to grieve for my mum as a teenager – in fact I didn’t. I am now 42 years old and I have 3 beautiful boys of my own and a wonderful husband. I wish my mum had met them. I was very touched by a lot of the comments above. I could not talk to my friends as they never experienced what I had experienced and I was told by family at the time I had to be strong to look after the family. That is exactly what I did because I wanted to protect my dad from anything happening to him. I am now at the stage where the effects of not grieving have caught up with me. I am going through a delayed grief and it really hurts. I am finding hard that I can never fill the void of my mum and I can’t fix that she’s gone. I am now seeing a councillor and it is helping me so much. I hope one day to accept my mu m dying and arrive to a peaceful place where I will always love and miss her without the hurt. Love and miss you mum.xx

  182. Nobody said on July 10, 2014 at 7:42 pm ... #

    It’s nice to know that there are people in the world who understand. If my dad hadn’t died, I wouldn’t have climbed a mountain for him, and I wouldn’t be doing it again. There are many things that wouldn’t happen in my life if he hadn’t died, but the most important is he would still be in pain. And that is the worst thing that could be happening if he were still here, because God would still have him here with cancer. God had a plan, and whether or not I liked it, it would be in motion. I would give a lot to have one more day to say I love you, or to say good bye, but I can’t. This experience has just told me that you have to be strong, and has proven that I am stronger than I thought. We are strong and we will keep going till it’s our time to see our dads again.

  183. Anonymous said on August 6, 2014 at 8:08 am ... #

    why shall i trust you GOD, Every new day problems are increasing.I am tired of all these, People says you are on this earth, the biggest pain my life is my father, u take him away from us. Everybody is criticsing my mother , my younger brother is Tourchering my mother everyday, I am not able to understand how to deal with it. My father where are you? Why did you left us? I am dying everyday.

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