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For the past eleven years, my dad has been physically gone from this earth. In these years, so many things have happened that my dad would have given anything to be her for. I have had piano recitals, chorus concerts, and musicals – I know he would have been my biggest fan. I’ve had proms, homecomings and galas – I know he would have been excited to meet (and possibly harass) my dates, I know he would have told me I looked beautiful. I’ve had graduations from high school and college – I know he would have been overwhelmed with pride. I’ve gotten my first “real” job, and recently bought my first home – I know he would have been overjoyed to see me succeed.
On all of these “big” days in my life, I’ve been aware that someone was missing. I’ve thought about and wished he could have been there, but I never really had time process that there was always a void. I was caught in a whirlwind – practicing songs, doing my hair, and looking for the tassel I was supposed to have on my graduation cap, and trying to find everything I needed to sign my closing papers. I was focused on what I had to get done, not to mention the rest of my family and friends who surrounded me. This certainly didn’t replace the presence of my dad, but oddly enough these things allowed me to completely escape the truth that there was an absence in these moments.
To be honest, I’ve always found myself missing my dad more in the little things. I’d come home from college, and imagine what it would be like to sit at the kitchen counter with my dad late at night, drinking tea in our pajamas and having an adult conversation. I’d think about how much he loved college football, and how he would have become a huge Hokies fan upon my decision to go to Virginia Tech, and come to as many games with me as he could. The every day events are where I have always found myself missing him, until I became an observer of the big events for other members of my family.
My youngest sister was only 5 when my dad passed away. I know it is harder for her to remember him, and even though I feel that I’ve missed out on so much by not having him around, I imagine she feels that way even more. My sister is gorgeous, talented, and exceptionally mature for her age. She is 16 now, and is hitting a point in her life where lots of her big events are occurring. I, now the outsider, have watched her on these days and wondered if she, like I, is far too busy to have a moment to stop and think about what’s missing.
I first experienced this a couple months ago. My sister is an incredibly talented designer, and designed and sewed an entire fashion line for her school’s fashion show. She hadn’t shown me any of her pieces, as she wanted it to be a surprise when we came to see the show. When I saw her models walk onto the stage, my jaw dropped – I could hardly believe the masterpieces that she had created. I cheered so loud when she came out to receive recognition for her work, and cheered even harder when she accepted the award for Best Fashion Line, agreed on unanimously by the judges. I was overwhelmed with pride in a way I had never experienced.
That night we went out to celebrate, and I couldn’t contain my excitement. I actually think I started to drive my sister crazy with how many times I said how happy I was for her. At one point I stopped to reflect on the evening, and all the work she had put into this event in the months leading up to it. And I realized that this pride I was feeling, this insatiable desire to brag about her and tell her how talented she was, was probably nowhere near what my dad would be feeling on this night. Like I said, he was our biggest fan.
I started thinking about how much it might mean to her to hear all these things from him. I know that my dad would have showed up for the show with flowers for her, he would have cheered even louder than me, and he would gone into work the next day with pictures of her fashion line to show to his coworkers and would tell them how amazing his daughter is.
I know that this night was the first of many times I will experience this, as my sister has a slew of big events ahead off her yet. I recently sat in her room while she was getting ready for her first prom. As she curled her hair and did her makeup, I talked with her about the events for the evening, from dinner to the after party. We walked downstairs together, where friends and family were gathered to see her off. Our dad’s best friend teared up, as he often does at events like this, and told her how beautiful she looked. Again, I thought about how much it would mean for those words to come from her father.
After my dad died, I started to realize that there would be big and little events that he would miss in my life. I could count a thousand moments when I’ve felt his absence so strongly that I couldn’t speak or think about anything else. But recently, when I experienced my sister’s shining moments, I realized that I felt the absence of his presence even more.
Sometimes it is even more painful to feel the ache of loss on behalf of another person you love. I would give anything for my sister to have her dad there for these events in her life, but I know that we share the bond of knowing that taken even a moment to remember him keeps him close to us, and that his spirit is with us on these days.
10 Comments:
I, tragically, suddenly, and most unexpectedly lost my Father 2 and a half months ago…I’m 24 and have a 16 year old brother. I’m trying my best to stay strong, and keep my Father’s spirit alive, especially for him. My Father is and was my absolute idol, and favorite person. My journey through grief is an uphill battle everyday, in many different ways. I’m happy my Mother found this website for me. I’m fortunate to not feel so alone.
I lost my day last year and i try to stay strong around my sisters and brothers because i have 5 other siblings.
My mother-in-law died a few months before her first daughter married. The wedding was tough, and as we did rehearsal, it was even tougher. When we all heard Dad say, “I do” to the question, “who gives this woman in matrimony..” I just about sobbed for the family.
But the next day, Dad brilliantly replied, “her mother and I,” because even though Penny was no longer with us, she had blessed their marriage. Not a dry eye in the house, but a wonderful happiness reigned over the rest of the day.
I lost my Dad last June suddenly. He was my best friend. I am an only child and I was a Dad’s girl still at the age of 26. Now a year later, I have my own son which my Dad would be crazy about. I am sad every Dad thinking about every think my Dad is missing out on. I also am sad for my son because he will never meet his grandfather.
I know what your going through. But mine is with my mom. I’m going into the 8th grade. And I cried myself a river when she wasn’t there to tell me have a good day. She died July 31st 2010. It hasn’t even been a month. She was a very sweet person. My friends said she was the nicest mom. She always offered snacks, drinks and other stuff to them… It’s sad. And when I get older. Like at the eigth grade awards she won’t be there to tell me good job. It’ll be hard when I graduate high school and college. I wish she has 20 more years to live. She was 49 and this February would be their 20th. That’s a very big mile stone. 20 years!
i lost my mom almost 2 years ago now, suddenly and unexpecedtly. and like the author am the older sibling. my younger sister was in high school at the time. and her confirmation was the first big milestone event to occur after our mom died. i felt so sad that our mom wasn’t their to see my beautiful sister reaffirm her faith. she wasn’t their to hear her sing a song she wrote on what her religion meant to her. but mom was there at mine. even with all the mother daughter teenage issues she was still there at my prom and graduation. our mom wasn’t there, but other strong women were, one of mom’s best friends, my sisters big buddy from CZC, and i was there. so very proud of my little sister as her name was read and she received her high school diploma. and just a few weeks ago she started college, and just returned from CZC again with more tools and friends to help and understand her. and me, i’ll always be here for my sister.
i understand how the author feels, that because she was older she had more time with that parent through more milestones than younger siblings. it is hard, i feel sad for my sister, that our mom isn’t here for her milestones. and for me too, it is the little things that i miss most about my mom…her hug, her writing (so much more legible than my dads), her voice…
I lost my daughter 2 years ago..and the lost has been devastating..but I can only imagine how much more for my grandaughter..kate whom was 7 when her mom died.She has expressed to me many times how it would be nice to have “mom” to celebrate good grades,to go on field trips to see her play trumpet..she is still a little girl having to cope with not having either a mom or dad to be there for her.
i lost my dad about 21 days ago. he died from cancer. and im 14 almost 15. im a freshman. its hard. i have a big family and i almost never show any emotion so they know we can all be strong together. but sometimes i feel his death is my fault. a year before he died we got in a tramtic car reck while he was driving ME to soccer practice. that was the same day they found the cancer. and sometimes i just wounder, what if i didnt have soccer. he was my coach, teacher, best friend and father. and all those things are gone now. i would give anything to be with him now. not many people understand that you think that 14 years would be enough. but i know now. it wasnt, not even close. he will miss homecoming. prom. soccer. everything. i mean i guess hes watching from the best seat but i want to hear his voice cheering me on. im going to miss that. im adopted with all my siblings and we all have open adoptions so my litte brother who is 7 he still sleeps where my dad did and i want to tell hey he loved you so much along with my little sister who is 8. they need to know that my dad would have never left us without knowing that we were going to be okay. so i guess im trusting we will all be okay someday.
Hi Elizabeth,
I lost my husband almost 2 years ago, we have a daughter Katie 14 (in high school and a son 12 in middle school). I was just talking to a friend last week about Katie on the very same letter you just wrote. Katie, although older seems to be handling her fathers death better then my son. As I have cried for my son every day (they were so close) I often wonder how katie is going to handle the big days in her life when her father isn’t here to tell her how proud he is of her and how beautiful she is. For me the most painful part of my husband’s death (other then missing him so much) is knowing that my children will never have their dad here to cheer them on, it absolutely kills me. Thank you for sharing your letter.
karen perry
karen perry: tell your daughter she is not alone. everyone is always telling me he will never see you go to prom or graduate. or anything like that. i know he will. durring soccer i point to the sky and i know hes watching. tell your daughter katie her father is watching her from the best seat in the house. and he will always watch over your family. thanks.