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By guest writer, Samantha Halle
In the days and weeks following my Dad’s death, countless people told me “it will get easier.” Now, seven years later, I can say that yes, in some ways it has. My Dad’s death is no longer one of the first things I remind myself of when I wake up, nor is it the last thing I think about before I fall asleep; it no longer consumes me.
But, even though it has been 2,655 days, I still miss him. I still have days and weeks when it’s just as painful as it was seven years ago, and I still have moments that make my head spin. There are several things, in particular, that almost always trigger one of these moments and force me to quite literally say hello to my grief. Here are the main five “little things” that get to me:
Telemarketers
Less than two weeks after my Dad died, I answered the phone only to hear a telemarketer struggling to pronounce my last name as he asked for my Dad. Feeling as if I had been slapped, I quickly hung up. In later calls, my response to the stinging words was a curt, defiant “NO.” About five years ago, one man dared to respond to my “NO” with, “he’s expecting my call. I spoke to him less than a week ago.” Most recently, my conversation with a persistent telemarketer went like this:
Telemarketer: “Is Mr. Hale there?”
Me: “No.”
Telemarketer: “When will he be in?”
Me: “He won’t. Please take our name off your list.”
Telemarketer: “Is there a better time I can call back to reach him?”
Me: “Nope.”
Telemarketer: “Uh, ok. I’ll try back another time.”
Me: “Good luck.”
Though telemarketers don’t bother me as much as they initially did, they still get to me sometimes. They serve as just one more reminder that my Dad is gone.
Questions about Family
There are frequently questions when you meet someone new, and based on the majority of my experiences, these questions are typically asked by curious, or trying-to-be-polite, adults. Many adults I babysit for will ask what my parents do for a living, and I always hesitate to consider my answer.
I typically respond by stating what my Mom does. Still, many adults will complete my answer with “…and your Dad?”
Several years ago I would neglect to mention that he had died and would simply say what he used to do. Now, if necessary, I will quickly add “my Dad died when I was 11.”
Of course, the instant I release these words into the air, I see the change on their face. They quickly try to smooth their stunned expression and mutter an “I’m sorry.” Then, in an almost ironic way, I console them, letting them know that it’s OK—I’m OK.
Things that mean something more to you
There have been countless occasions when I’m watching a movie or TV show, or listening to a song or story with a friend, when something hits me. A line or situation sticks out, reminding me of my Dad in some way. Suddenly something’s different; there’s a pang of sadness, a feeling of nostalgia, or a flood of bittersweet sentiment.
Sometimes this moment is brief and I bounce back immediately. Other times, I feel the tears rushing to my eyes and am forced to actively remain composed.
Accomplishments
There’s something incredibly bittersweet about accomplishments, knowing that my Dad’s not here to enjoy them with me.
My Dad was the proud, brag-about-your-kids type of guy. He was front and center at every play and recital, and cheering at the end of the pool during each and every swim meet. Now, if I win an award or have something major happen in my life, I have a moment of longing, wishing he could be here to see what I’ve done and know the person I’ve become.
Time
Hands down, one of the hardest things that has come with losing my Dad is the occasional realization of how much time has passed. Birthdays, holidays, and other milestones are all reminders.
There are days when I feel like it was just yesterday that he died, but other times, I feel as if it has been a lifetime and I can no longer imagine my life with him in it.
There are moments when I must consciously think about how long it has been since he died; it’s as if having him here was a past life of mine—a movie that I’ve watched countless times and memorized but never actually lived. There are times when I realize that I’m slowly forgetting things I swore I never would and it scares me. So, I make a concerted effort to replay poignant moments in my mind.
Many people who have not lost someone mistakenly believe that death is something you will “get over.” However, the truth is, I still hurt. Seven years later, it’s not a constant, overwhelming, consuming grief, but the little things, within which grief hides, that hit me when I least expect it.
37 Comments:
What a beautifully and clearly written piece. You make it easy to understand that there are things that will always bring our loss back to us, no matter how long it has been. We all have those things that “get us”….thanks for helping everyone to see that it’s normal to feel that way.
What a wonderful article, a true tribute to your father. I lost my grandfather, who really served as my father, when I was 11, and I am now 40. It does get “easier”, but, the pain, and the memories of what I have lost, never fade completely. To have had this community then, would have been a life saver for me. Thank you for sharing this.
what a beautiful article, thank you so much for sharing. i believe your dad does know the person you have become and all that you have accomplished, even if he is not here.
Great article. I lost my husband 11 years ago. So much of what you said is what I feel, especially the part about him being in a past life. Sometimes I feel like I have my married life with him and then my second life is that of single parenting. Thanks for writing this.
I’m going to share your article with my daughter. You expressed exactly the way it is for us. Thank you.
Well-written article, and exactly on the mark. We don’t always feel like telling everyone about our parent’s death, and some days the world just conspires you to force to grieve – whether its a tv show, song, or any other little thing that just gets to you or even someone being too inquisitive. Thank you for writing this.
Terrific article – right on the mark. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings so lucidly and openly. I am 28 years past the loss of my dad, and there are still things that get to me. The loss of a parent isn’t something you get over; it is something you get to live with. Your article does a beautiful job of helping others understand what it’s like.
This is a great article…so simply said but hits the nail right on the head…I lost my dad in 2003 so I can relate to everything said in this article…Someone once said to me it doesn’t get easier its just different…
This is so true. My dad died, unexpectedly, when I was ten. I’m 33 now and it still hurts sometimes. It’s easier, I can think of him without crying. I’m very lucky and have an amazing step dad who raised me as if I was his own, but I still miss my real dad and my step dad understands that. Every milestone and the birth of my children there was always that thought in the back of my head that he would have been so proud. It doesn’t ever go away, it just becomes your new normal.
What an open and honest description of your experience. Your style of communicating is clean and direct. I think many people can understand your experience even if they had never experienced the death of a father. I suspect your dad would be so proud of you – and your writing. You have given voice to things that will help many others grow in understanding.
Never was a more eloquent statement made (on the subject)than what you have posted here, Sam. I agree with Emily: “i believe your dad does know the person you have become and all that you have accomplished, even if he is not here.”. I send you many HUGS today! Thanks for being you! Sam for President!
Sam, I still think of Jon often. He gave me a CD of some of his favorite jazz tunes that I cherish and enjoy listening to. My dad passed when I was a young man and although it has been 17 years and 8 days, I can attest to your experience of grief. I associate my dad with the wind in the trees when I am in need of his presence and it gives me comfort that he is there.
I have a jazz CD I need to go listen to now.
Sam. your words bring tears to my eyes for I know how much you loved your Dad.I know he is very proud of your accomplishments and the very mature manner in which you have handled his untimely leave from us! God be with you, your Mom, and your siblings!! Love Ya Les
This is an amazing article. You hit the hammer right on the head explaining how your grief journey never really ends.
what an awesome article you really hit home with this one I lost my dad 9 years ago when I was 21. It is the little things and the one timers, that will always get me
After my husband died unexpectedly from sleep apnea, I read several books on grieving, and helping children cope with grief (our children were 10 and 4).
The most beneficial comment that I got from those books, and still sticks out the most to me, is, “You never ‘get over it.’ You just learn to live with it.”
Thanks for all the support Comfort Zone gives!
Thank you for writing this. I just lost my dad suddenly. Your words bring me a lot of comfort.
Excellent Article, I felt the same way!
My dad died in his sleep of a heart attack when I was 14 and my mother died of an anuerysm when I was 19. I was in such shock after my dad died that my gorgeous thick hair started to fall out. I had to “hide” my grief because my friends would not have been able to handle it.
I still hate to this day when people say “you are so strong”.
After my mother died – I could never sit still. I couldn’t focus and my mind raced – probably for 10 years.
I thought, “I’ll become a beauty queen” “I’ll get straight A’s” and they will look down at me and be proud. So I would focus on those goals, and then after I reached those goals, I would miss my parents again and crash/hit the wall so to speak and be sad all over again.
It sucked not having someone give me a college graduation dinner. Everything was so bittersweet.
Being in my hometown (even though it was a large city) was a daily reminder of what I was missing – even as I got older and saw people I knew, with their mothers and their babies in strollers at the mall. It made me sad to think I would never have that.
I finally got over my grief, when I moved away from my hometown, got married and had my own family.
Grief is no longer my companion. I don’t tell people about my childhood trauma that lasted for over 10 years (it might still make me cry). Though I can still be sensitive to it.
I celebrate life, and my beautiful family every day. I don’t want my childhood grief to extend to my children OR make them fearful that what happened to me could happen to them.
The one thing I learned after my mother died. Is that you can never replace that relationship. But instead you develop friendships that fulfill different roles. A friend to trust your secrets to, a friend to laugh with, a friend to cry with, a friend you can gossip too etc.
I found that when I was in my 20’s – I liked a lot of different guys – each one had a different piece of my father. But obviously having so many different boyfriends is not as safe or mentally healthy. And I would crash/hit the wall after each relationship ended, often staying in relationships out of fear of the being alone feeling.
That is the scoop for now. I haven’t thought about grief in a while. My life is HAPPY. But I saw the article on the CNN website. I wish I would have had this website years ago. xox
Thank you for writing this. So many of the things you said describe my experience too. Tomorrow it will be 10 years since my father died. You never get over it… just used to it.
My father died on April 2nd 1988 so this time of year is always somewhat difficult for me. I was inconsolable earlier, but now I’m alright. It happens sometimes.
I’ve noticed that as I’ve drawn closer to the age when he died (he was 41, I am 34) I tend to think about him more & more, what he would have thought of me as a man, what I would have been like if he’d lived. All that jazz.
I was never offered any form of professional support back in ‘88, it would have been a great thing if the internet had been around then. So many of your experiences ring true to me, and I rather enjoy that familiarity, our common bond as it were.
As many of you have commented, “you never get over it, you just get used to it” I think that must be hard for people who haven’t had a loss to understand. This article goes some way to helping people realise that the fallout from the death of a parent is a lifetime journey. It’s neither a good or bad thing, it’s just life.
I’m an atheist, I have no belief in the supernatural. False comfort is no comfort to me. My father is dead, he isn’t somewhere better or worse, he no longer exists. I will never meet him again. Genetically however, part of me is him & that makes me smile, turn on my heel & wander off toward new adventure. Best wishes to all. James Payton.
I agree that this is a very well written article.I’m so sorry for your loss. One thing I had read about loss is that you heal a little bit with the tell of the story but like you I often find myself consoling the one I’m telling or they interupt and say they didn’t mean to make me cry, when that’s what I need to do while I tell the story. My twin sister has had ample opportunities to tell the story of how my Mother died, when she died how she reacted when she heard the news etc. etc. but I haven’t. Good for you for putting this out there. I don’t feel your pain only you do. Mine is similar and I’m older and my Mother died only a little more that 2 years ago. Heal.
this is really nice to hear and i can really relate to it even though it has only been a few months since my dad has died. thank you
I lost my mum when I was 7, 18 years ago and I dont remember her ever being at home the only memory of her was when she was really ill in the hospice. but after all this time Im finding it arder and harder. I long for a mother, to hug or share my thoughts and feelings with, go shopping argue with etc etc.
is this normal to feel like this 18 years after the event.
xx
thank you for your words!! My father died a year ago April 16 2009 and my mama just six months later. I too get overwhelmed and feel like an orphan. I know they went the way they wanted to so close together they were married for 61 years, but I miss them soooooo much that it literally and physically hurts me. May God continue to bless you and I know that your dad and mine are watching out for us.
I was greatly struggling today as my father passed away 11 years ago on this date. I was also 11 at the time, and have never read anything that so closely matches the way I have felt about it… well, that is until this article.
Thank you so much for sharing and helping me today.
It will be five years in May that I lost my dad to lung cancer. I didn’t want my dad to die. To this day I always say my dad left. I want him back so bad. I have never and never will be the same person I was. I still have my mom and pray she stays for a very long time. My mom just turned 82. I still cry and am crying now as I am writing this. I really do not want to live when something happens to my mom. I bought two plots in the same cemetery where my dad is. I feel that I came into the world to be with my parents and I will leave with them too. I worry constantly about if there really is a place after we die. If there is not, well I wish I was never born. It is totally unbearable to think I might not see my dad again if there is nothing after this life. Life is hard and it has never been fair.
My mom passed away 3 years ago….exactly said in this article there are moments when it just hits me. I am sitting at work and decided to google grieving my mom (it just hit me at work at 3:30 that my mom isn’t here)and this was what I decided to click on when the search came up. This is exactly how I feel…..amazing article and thanks for writing it….I miss my mom so much and while her passing is not the first thing I think of when I wake up or last think when I go to bed, I miss her all the same…the phone calls, shopping trips, the laughing….she was my best friend.
Thank you for this article. I was 10 when my dad died – this month it will be 10 years since he died. I’m now 20 and feel I just cannot get over – which is probably true. I just learned to not thing about it so much. Everytime I’m in a good mood and think of him I’m happy, everytime I’m in a bad mood I cry a bucketload of tears. I still miss you dad.
Samantha – what a beautiful article – and how perfectly you expressed your feelings even to this day in the loss of your Dad. Even though my Daddy (your Great-Grandfather) has been gone for many years – I still think of him – sometimes suddenly when least expected, and miss him terribly. I feel the same way about your Great-Grandmother and her loss. I think we never quite get over our love and feeling for our mother and father, who were there at the beginning of our lives. I am sure you wish so often you could share something with him – as I do with my parents. We were fortunate to spend some time with your Dad – especially on our trips to Virginia and our time in Florida with your family and feel blessed by that time together. Samantha – reading what you have written is also a blessing to me. We are proud you are a part of our family – you are truly a gift – I believe your Dad knows that!
Love you!
Aunt Barbara & Uncle Aden
I am having one of those hard says and I just randomly came across this. You said exactly what I am feeling and have always struggled to explain to people how I could possibly still be sad about my dad’s death7 years ago as well. Some days I forget how long ago it was also, and sometimes I feel like he is just an imagination I had. I have been trying to fill that void he has left in my heart. I just wish I could see him smile light up the room again…
Today is my Dad’s birthday. I joined a new workplace a week ago. So, I don’t have a soul I can talk to about him. No one knows him. I needed some support and chanced upon this article. I can relate to you so much though my Dad’s been gone for above 2 years. Till date, I always say ‘My parents live in my hometown’. I cannot bring myself to acknowledge to strangers that my Dad is no more but maybe I will learn sometime. Take care, Sam and God Bless you!
My Dad dies 9 years ago when I was 44 and he was 72. He was such a huge part of my life and the only one I trusted. I can’t seem to get past his death. He was the glue that held our family together and since his death I feel there is no real family anymore. I still cry all the time and everything reminds me of him. My Mom is getting older now and I am so worried about her getting sick that it consumes me. What would I do if I lost her too? I worry and worry until I am sick. Professional help is a joke. I just need someone that can relate with how I feel. Thanks if you can talk to me.
My grandma was my mother growing up because my real mom left when I was two. She was diognosed with cancer when I was in the 5th grade, I’m 17 now. She passed away that summer when I was forced to move in with my mom whom I did not have contact with. Since the day she passed away everything has been so blurry. I cry all the time and when ever even mentions cancer I can not listen, the thought of the whole thing makes me sick to my stomach.
Thank you for writting this because it let’s me know that I’m not the only one out there still being swallowed by grief. I just want to know how I can live my life with out having to fake a smile and pretend I’m happy when really I am broken
I am in the exact same boat as you. My dad died when I was eleven and it is seven years later, eight in March. All of these things are the same for me. Except instead of Telemarketers we still get mail. My step father ended up dying too so reliving all of it hurts. I felt so bad for my poor mother to have to go through it twice.
Our dads sound very similar. My dad showed me off all the time too. I deal with all these problems. A lot of adults have asked the same question and it’s always so awkward when I tell them and all the color drains from their face. Time is such a hard one. I sometimes have to think about what my dad looked like. It’s getting harder and harder to remember and that horrifies me. I recently was in court because my dad started a law suit and listening to all the witnesses and everything brought me to tears. I was a wreak after that.
I agree, so many people have said “You will get over it” but I never will. So many things remind me of him. I get so angry when someone takes their parents for granted. I wish my dad was around to see all my graduations. Teach me to drive. Help me move into college. He won’t be there to give me away on my wedding day. He isn’t here to threaten any boys [even though they aren't flocking at my door]. He just isn’t here. My mum had to raise me and my younger brother all by herself and it’s amazing that we haven’t turned out horrible.
It’s so hard to talk to people about it since I have never met anyone who has dealt with a parents death. No one my age at least. No one understands the pain unless they have gone through it. No one wants to help me get out of my depressed moods when I fall into them.
God is really the only one who has helped, and even then it’s sometimes hard to hear him speak to me.
I don’t know, I think I need to find someone to talk too even after all these years. I never went to a therapist like my mother and brother did because I had to be the strong one.
Oh I hate falling into these sad moods, they really don’t suit me well.
Thank you for your article. My dad passed away this January and I am getting married in a few months (October). This has been the hardest thing for me, knowing that my father isn’t going to walk me down the aisle, to the point I’ve even considered cancelling the entire wedding and eloping someplace with just my fiance and I. I can definitely appreciate what you wrote, although it hasn’t been years since my father passed, it brings to light all the bitter/sweet moments I’m soon going to face without my dad’s presence – my wedding, my first child’s birth, buying my first home, etc. It breaks my heart that he can’t be here for those special moments.
Thanks for sharing your story. My dad died on March 13, 2010, and tomorrow (Aug. 27) will be 17 years since my mom died. Over time, I came to grips with my mom’s passing, though I still miss her very much. I also knew that I had my dad and that helped a lot.
Now with both of them gone, there are days when it gets really tough to deal with. I feel like I’m in a fog. It’s almost stifling. But I say my prayers and try to keep the faith and know they are still with me, but only in a different way.
I am 26 years old and just lost my dad. It’s been 5 weeks. And for me, I know that it will get easier as time goes by because in just the past 5 weeks it has gotten easier. However, I also know that there will be times that it will consume me, it will fill me, it will make me fall to the floor in uncontrollable sobs. And I’m ok with that. Because so long as I’m doing that, I’m still feeling. And I’m still remembering him.
My dad comes to visit me in my dreams sometimes, and I hold onto that. Sometimes I can smell him, and I hold onto that. Sometimes I can hear his laughter, and I hold onto that.
It does get easier, but it also gets harder sometimes. And that’s the ebb and flow about grieving. It’s not stages like some people were taught and believe. It’s a constant, everyday journey.
What a beautiful, honest, and well written piece. Thank you for sharing.