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By guest writer, Samantha Halle
In the days and weeks following my Dad’s death, countless people told me “it will get easier.” Now, seven years later, I can say that yes, in some ways it has. My Dad’s death is no longer one of the first things I remind myself of when I wake up, nor is it the last thing I think about before I fall asleep; it no longer consumes me.
But, even though it has been 2,655 days, I still miss him. I still have days and weeks when it’s just as painful as it was seven years ago, and I still have moments that make my head spin. There are several things, in particular, that almost always trigger one of these moments and force me to quite literally say hello to my grief. Here are the main five “little things” that get to me:
Telemarketers
Less than two weeks after my Dad died, I answered the phone only to hear a telemarketer struggling to pronounce my last name as he asked for my Dad. Feeling as if I had been slapped, I quickly hung up. In later calls, my response to the stinging words was a curt, defiant “NO.” About five years ago, one man dared to respond to my “NO” with, “he’s expecting my call. I spoke to him less than a week ago.” Most recently, my conversation with a persistent telemarketer went like this:
Telemarketer: “Is Mr. Hale there?”
Me: “No.”
Telemarketer: “When will he be in?”
Me: “He won’t. Please take our name off your list.”
Telemarketer: “Is there a better time I can call back to reach him?”
Me: “Nope.”
Telemarketer: “Uh, ok. I’ll try back another time.”
Me: “Good luck.”
Though telemarketers don’t bother me as much as they initially did, they still get to me sometimes. They serve as just one more reminder that my Dad is gone.
Questions about Family
There are frequently questions when you meet someone new, and based on the majority of my experiences, these questions are typically asked by curious, or trying-to-be-polite, adults. Many adults I babysit for will ask what my parents do for a living, and I always hesitate to consider my answer.
I typically respond by stating what my Mom does. Still, many adults will complete my answer with “…and your Dad?”
Several years ago I would neglect to mention that he had died and would simply say what he used to do. Now, if necessary, I will quickly add “my Dad died when I was 11.”
Of course, the instant I release these words into the air, I see the change on their face. They quickly try to smooth their stunned expression and mutter an “I’m sorry.” Then, in an almost ironic way, I console them, letting them know that it’s OK—I’m OK.
Things that mean something more to you
There have been countless occasions when I’m watching a movie or TV show, or listening to a song or story with a friend, when something hits me. A line or situation sticks out, reminding me of my Dad in some way. Suddenly something’s different; there’s a pang of sadness, a feeling of nostalgia, or a flood of bittersweet sentiment.
Sometimes this moment is brief and I bounce back immediately. Other times, I feel the tears rushing to my eyes and am forced to actively remain composed.
Accomplishments
There’s something incredibly bittersweet about accomplishments, knowing that my Dad’s not here to enjoy them with me.
My Dad was the proud, brag-about-your-kids type of guy. He was front and center at every play and recital, and cheering at the end of the pool during each and every swim meet. Now, if I win an award or have something major happen in my life, I have a moment of longing, wishing he could be here to see what I’ve done and know the person I’ve become.
Time
Hands down, one of the hardest things that has come with losing my Dad is the occasional realization of how much time has passed. Birthdays, holidays, and other milestones are all reminders.
There are days when I feel like it was just yesterday that he died, but other times, I feel as if it has been a lifetime and I can no longer imagine my life with him in it.
There are moments when I must consciously think about how long it has been since he died; it’s as if having him here was a past life of mine—a movie that I’ve watched countless times and memorized but never actually lived. There are times when I realize that I’m slowly forgetting things I swore I never would and it scares me. So, I make a concerted effort to replay poignant moments in my mind.
Many people who have not lost someone mistakenly believe that death is something you will “get over.” However, the truth is, I still hurt. Seven years later, it’s not a constant, overwhelming, consuming grief, but the little things, within which grief hides, that hit me when I least expect it.
172 Comments:
What a beautifully and clearly written piece. You make it easy to understand that there are things that will always bring our loss back to us, no matter how long it has been. We all have those things that “get us”….thanks for helping everyone to see that it’s normal to feel that way.
What a wonderful article, a true tribute to your father. I lost my grandfather, who really served as my father, when I was 11, and I am now 40. It does get “easier”, but, the pain, and the memories of what I have lost, never fade completely. To have had this community then, would have been a life saver for me. Thank you for sharing this.
what a beautiful article, thank you so much for sharing. i believe your dad does know the person you have become and all that you have accomplished, even if he is not here.
Great article. I lost my husband 11 years ago. So much of what you said is what I feel, especially the part about him being in a past life. Sometimes I feel like I have my married life with him and then my second life is that of single parenting. Thanks for writing this.
I’m going to share your article with my daughter. You expressed exactly the way it is for us. Thank you.
Well-written article, and exactly on the mark. We don’t always feel like telling everyone about our parent’s death, and some days the world just conspires you to force to grieve – whether its a tv show, song, or any other little thing that just gets to you or even someone being too inquisitive. Thank you for writing this.
Terrific article – right on the mark. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings so lucidly and openly. I am 28 years past the loss of my dad, and there are still things that get to me. The loss of a parent isn’t something you get over; it is something you get to live with. Your article does a beautiful job of helping others understand what it’s like.
This is a great article…so simply said but hits the nail right on the head…I lost my dad in 2003 so I can relate to everything said in this article…Someone once said to me it doesn’t get easier its just different…
This is so true. My dad died, unexpectedly, when I was ten. I’m 33 now and it still hurts sometimes. It’s easier, I can think of him without crying. I’m very lucky and have an amazing step dad who raised me as if I was his own, but I still miss my real dad and my step dad understands that. Every milestone and the birth of my children there was always that thought in the back of my head that he would have been so proud. It doesn’t ever go away, it just becomes your new normal.
What an open and honest description of your experience. Your style of communicating is clean and direct. I think many people can understand your experience even if they had never experienced the death of a father. I suspect your dad would be so proud of you – and your writing. You have given voice to things that will help many others grow in understanding.
Never was a more eloquent statement made (on the subject)than what you have posted here, Sam. I agree with Emily: “i believe your dad does know the person you have become and all that you have accomplished, even if he is not here.”. I send you many HUGS today! Thanks for being you! Sam for President!
Sam, I still think of Jon often. He gave me a CD of some of his favorite jazz tunes that I cherish and enjoy listening to. My dad passed when I was a young man and although it has been 17 years and 8 days, I can attest to your experience of grief. I associate my dad with the wind in the trees when I am in need of his presence and it gives me comfort that he is there.
I have a jazz CD I need to go listen to now.
Sam. your words bring tears to my eyes for I know how much you loved your Dad.I know he is very proud of your accomplishments and the very mature manner in which you have handled his untimely leave from us! God be with you, your Mom, and your siblings!! Love Ya Les
This is an amazing article. You hit the hammer right on the head explaining how your grief journey never really ends.
what an awesome article you really hit home with this one I lost my dad 9 years ago when I was 21. It is the little things and the one timers, that will always get me
After my husband died unexpectedly from sleep apnea, I read several books on grieving, and helping children cope with grief (our children were 10 and 4).
The most beneficial comment that I got from those books, and still sticks out the most to me, is, “You never ‘get over it.’ You just learn to live with it.”
Thanks for all the support Comfort Zone gives!
Thank you for writing this. I just lost my dad suddenly. Your words bring me a lot of comfort.
Excellent Article, I felt the same way!
My dad died in his sleep of a heart attack when I was 14 and my mother died of an anuerysm when I was 19. I was in such shock after my dad died that my gorgeous thick hair started to fall out. I had to “hide” my grief because my friends would not have been able to handle it.
I still hate to this day when people say “you are so strong”.
After my mother died – I could never sit still. I couldn’t focus and my mind raced – probably for 10 years.
I thought, “I’ll become a beauty queen” “I’ll get straight A’s” and they will look down at me and be proud. So I would focus on those goals, and then after I reached those goals, I would miss my parents again and crash/hit the wall so to speak and be sad all over again.
It sucked not having someone give me a college graduation dinner. Everything was so bittersweet.
Being in my hometown (even though it was a large city) was a daily reminder of what I was missing – even as I got older and saw people I knew, with their mothers and their babies in strollers at the mall. It made me sad to think I would never have that.
I finally got over my grief, when I moved away from my hometown, got married and had my own family.
Grief is no longer my companion. I don’t tell people about my childhood trauma that lasted for over 10 years (it might still make me cry). Though I can still be sensitive to it.
I celebrate life, and my beautiful family every day. I don’t want my childhood grief to extend to my children OR make them fearful that what happened to me could happen to them.
The one thing I learned after my mother died. Is that you can never replace that relationship. But instead you develop friendships that fulfill different roles. A friend to trust your secrets to, a friend to laugh with, a friend to cry with, a friend you can gossip too etc.
I found that when I was in my 20’s – I liked a lot of different guys – each one had a different piece of my father. But obviously having so many different boyfriends is not as safe or mentally healthy. And I would crash/hit the wall after each relationship ended, often staying in relationships out of fear of the being alone feeling.
That is the scoop for now. I haven’t thought about grief in a while. My life is HAPPY. But I saw the article on the CNN website. I wish I would have had this website years ago. xox
Thank you for writing this. So many of the things you said describe my experience too. Tomorrow it will be 10 years since my father died. You never get over it… just used to it.
My father died on April 2nd 1988 so this time of year is always somewhat difficult for me. I was inconsolable earlier, but now I’m alright. It happens sometimes.
I’ve noticed that as I’ve drawn closer to the age when he died (he was 41, I am 34) I tend to think about him more & more, what he would have thought of me as a man, what I would have been like if he’d lived. All that jazz.
I was never offered any form of professional support back in ‘88, it would have been a great thing if the internet had been around then. So many of your experiences ring true to me, and I rather enjoy that familiarity, our common bond as it were.
As many of you have commented, “you never get over it, you just get used to it” I think that must be hard for people who haven’t had a loss to understand. This article goes some way to helping people realise that the fallout from the death of a parent is a lifetime journey. It’s neither a good or bad thing, it’s just life.
I’m an atheist, I have no belief in the supernatural. False comfort is no comfort to me. My father is dead, he isn’t somewhere better or worse, he no longer exists. I will never meet him again. Genetically however, part of me is him & that makes me smile, turn on my heel & wander off toward new adventure. Best wishes to all. James Payton.
I agree that this is a very well written article.I’m so sorry for your loss. One thing I had read about loss is that you heal a little bit with the tell of the story but like you I often find myself consoling the one I’m telling or they interupt and say they didn’t mean to make me cry, when that’s what I need to do while I tell the story. My twin sister has had ample opportunities to tell the story of how my Mother died, when she died how she reacted when she heard the news etc. etc. but I haven’t. Good for you for putting this out there. I don’t feel your pain only you do. Mine is similar and I’m older and my Mother died only a little more that 2 years ago. Heal.
this is really nice to hear and i can really relate to it even though it has only been a few months since my dad has died. thank you
I lost my mum when I was 7, 18 years ago and I dont remember her ever being at home the only memory of her was when she was really ill in the hospice. but after all this time Im finding it arder and harder. I long for a mother, to hug or share my thoughts and feelings with, go shopping argue with etc etc.
is this normal to feel like this 18 years after the event.
xx
thank you for your words!! My father died a year ago April 16 2009 and my mama just six months later. I too get overwhelmed and feel like an orphan. I know they went the way they wanted to so close together they were married for 61 years, but I miss them soooooo much that it literally and physically hurts me. May God continue to bless you and I know that your dad and mine are watching out for us.
I was greatly struggling today as my father passed away 11 years ago on this date. I was also 11 at the time, and have never read anything that so closely matches the way I have felt about it… well, that is until this article.
Thank you so much for sharing and helping me today.
It will be five years in May that I lost my dad to lung cancer. I didn’t want my dad to die. To this day I always say my dad left. I want him back so bad. I have never and never will be the same person I was. I still have my mom and pray she stays for a very long time. My mom just turned 82. I still cry and am crying now as I am writing this. I really do not want to live when something happens to my mom. I bought two plots in the same cemetery where my dad is. I feel that I came into the world to be with my parents and I will leave with them too. I worry constantly about if there really is a place after we die. If there is not, well I wish I was never born. It is totally unbearable to think I might not see my dad again if there is nothing after this life. Life is hard and it has never been fair.
My mom passed away 3 years ago….exactly said in this article there are moments when it just hits me. I am sitting at work and decided to google grieving my mom (it just hit me at work at 3:30 that my mom isn’t here)and this was what I decided to click on when the search came up. This is exactly how I feel…..amazing article and thanks for writing it….I miss my mom so much and while her passing is not the first thing I think of when I wake up or last think when I go to bed, I miss her all the same…the phone calls, shopping trips, the laughing….she was my best friend.
Thank you for this article. I was 10 when my dad died – this month it will be 10 years since he died. I’m now 20 and feel I just cannot get over – which is probably true. I just learned to not thing about it so much. Everytime I’m in a good mood and think of him I’m happy, everytime I’m in a bad mood I cry a bucketload of tears. I still miss you dad.
Samantha – what a beautiful article – and how perfectly you expressed your feelings even to this day in the loss of your Dad. Even though my Daddy (your Great-Grandfather) has been gone for many years – I still think of him – sometimes suddenly when least expected, and miss him terribly. I feel the same way about your Great-Grandmother and her loss. I think we never quite get over our love and feeling for our mother and father, who were there at the beginning of our lives. I am sure you wish so often you could share something with him – as I do with my parents. We were fortunate to spend some time with your Dad – especially on our trips to Virginia and our time in Florida with your family and feel blessed by that time together. Samantha – reading what you have written is also a blessing to me. We are proud you are a part of our family – you are truly a gift – I believe your Dad knows that!
Love you!
Aunt Barbara & Uncle Aden
I am having one of those hard says and I just randomly came across this. You said exactly what I am feeling and have always struggled to explain to people how I could possibly still be sad about my dad’s death7 years ago as well. Some days I forget how long ago it was also, and sometimes I feel like he is just an imagination I had. I have been trying to fill that void he has left in my heart. I just wish I could see him smile light up the room again…
Today is my Dad’s birthday. I joined a new workplace a week ago. So, I don’t have a soul I can talk to about him. No one knows him. I needed some support and chanced upon this article. I can relate to you so much though my Dad’s been gone for above 2 years. Till date, I always say ‘My parents live in my hometown’. I cannot bring myself to acknowledge to strangers that my Dad is no more but maybe I will learn sometime. Take care, Sam and God Bless you!
My Dad dies 9 years ago when I was 44 and he was 72. He was such a huge part of my life and the only one I trusted. I can’t seem to get past his death. He was the glue that held our family together and since his death I feel there is no real family anymore. I still cry all the time and everything reminds me of him. My Mom is getting older now and I am so worried about her getting sick that it consumes me. What would I do if I lost her too? I worry and worry until I am sick. Professional help is a joke. I just need someone that can relate with how I feel. Thanks if you can talk to me.
My grandma was my mother growing up because my real mom left when I was two. She was diognosed with cancer when I was in the 5th grade, I’m 17 now. She passed away that summer when I was forced to move in with my mom whom I did not have contact with. Since the day she passed away everything has been so blurry. I cry all the time and when ever even mentions cancer I can not listen, the thought of the whole thing makes me sick to my stomach.
Thank you for writting this because it let’s me know that I’m not the only one out there still being swallowed by grief. I just want to know how I can live my life with out having to fake a smile and pretend I’m happy when really I am broken
I am in the exact same boat as you. My dad died when I was eleven and it is seven years later, eight in March. All of these things are the same for me. Except instead of Telemarketers we still get mail. My step father ended up dying too so reliving all of it hurts. I felt so bad for my poor mother to have to go through it twice.
Our dads sound very similar. My dad showed me off all the time too. I deal with all these problems. A lot of adults have asked the same question and it’s always so awkward when I tell them and all the color drains from their face. Time is such a hard one. I sometimes have to think about what my dad looked like. It’s getting harder and harder to remember and that horrifies me. I recently was in court because my dad started a law suit and listening to all the witnesses and everything brought me to tears. I was a wreak after that.
I agree, so many people have said “You will get over it” but I never will. So many things remind me of him. I get so angry when someone takes their parents for granted. I wish my dad was around to see all my graduations. Teach me to drive. Help me move into college. He won’t be there to give me away on my wedding day. He isn’t here to threaten any boys [even though they aren't flocking at my door]. He just isn’t here. My mum had to raise me and my younger brother all by herself and it’s amazing that we haven’t turned out horrible.
It’s so hard to talk to people about it since I have never met anyone who has dealt with a parents death. No one my age at least. No one understands the pain unless they have gone through it. No one wants to help me get out of my depressed moods when I fall into them.
God is really the only one who has helped, and even then it’s sometimes hard to hear him speak to me.
I don’t know, I think I need to find someone to talk too even after all these years. I never went to a therapist like my mother and brother did because I had to be the strong one.
Oh I hate falling into these sad moods, they really don’t suit me well.
Thank you for your article. My dad passed away this January and I am getting married in a few months (October). This has been the hardest thing for me, knowing that my father isn’t going to walk me down the aisle, to the point I’ve even considered cancelling the entire wedding and eloping someplace with just my fiance and I. I can definitely appreciate what you wrote, although it hasn’t been years since my father passed, it brings to light all the bitter/sweet moments I’m soon going to face without my dad’s presence – my wedding, my first child’s birth, buying my first home, etc. It breaks my heart that he can’t be here for those special moments.
Thanks for sharing your story. My dad died on March 13, 2010, and tomorrow (Aug. 27) will be 17 years since my mom died. Over time, I came to grips with my mom’s passing, though I still miss her very much. I also knew that I had my dad and that helped a lot.
Now with both of them gone, there are days when it gets really tough to deal with. I feel like I’m in a fog. It’s almost stifling. But I say my prayers and try to keep the faith and know they are still with me, but only in a different way.
I am 26 years old and just lost my dad. It’s been 5 weeks. And for me, I know that it will get easier as time goes by because in just the past 5 weeks it has gotten easier. However, I also know that there will be times that it will consume me, it will fill me, it will make me fall to the floor in uncontrollable sobs. And I’m ok with that. Because so long as I’m doing that, I’m still feeling. And I’m still remembering him.
My dad comes to visit me in my dreams sometimes, and I hold onto that. Sometimes I can smell him, and I hold onto that. Sometimes I can hear his laughter, and I hold onto that.
It does get easier, but it also gets harder sometimes. And that’s the ebb and flow about grieving. It’s not stages like some people were taught and believe. It’s a constant, everyday journey.
What a beautiful, honest, and well written piece. Thank you for sharing.
My Mom died on February 22nd 2010. I miss her so much. While it’s not as bad as the first few months, I definitely still cry at least a couple times a week.
My Mom’s life revolved around her family. She was an amazing woman. She put up with so much of my crap when I went through school but it only made me love her that much more when I entered adulthood realizing the sacrifices she made for me.
I still just can’t fully grasp the realization that she is gone and she is never coming back. That thought just makes it feel as if my heart is about to explode.
I’ve never known what to believe in when it comes to God as I am agnostic. All I can say is, now that my Mom is gone, I hope more than ever that there is a God and Heaven. Because it hurts me even more to think that there’s not a heaven and I really won’t ever see my Mom again.
I live in the UK and my mum died of cancer over six years ago. I recently split with my girlfriend of 11 years (something I’d wanted) and started a disastrous new relationship soon afterwards and suddenly my grief has come rushing back. For the last couple of weeks I’ve been crying – sometimes sobbing uncontrollably – almost every day.
Six years seems like so long ago and I thought I’d grieved for her properly and I kept asking myself what the hell was wrong with me. I thought I was having a break down and that I was just being weird – until I read this (plus all the comments). I didn’t realize grief can hit you so long after the event. Thanks to all the posters who have reassured me it can still hit you years later.
The fact is in the last four months I’ve gone through a major life-changing event and the one person I want to talk to about it is no longer here. Thanks also for pointing out that you never get over it, you just learn to live with it. Honestly didn’t realize that. I thought that because I no longer woke up with her on my mind, because time had passed, because I could talk about her without crying, that I’d gotten over it. I understand now that is impossible. Will now focus on just living with it. Thank you for pointing me in the right direction.
I can’t understand anything 5 years on. Cancer stole everything from me and still nobody understands why sometimes the simplest things like getting out of bed are difficult.
Your story gives me a small hope that I am never alone.
And that to me is a great gift
X
My dad died when I was 10 as well and it was comforting to read about that someone else has been going through the same situations as I have, thank you for sharing
Maria
hiya, that story was lovely and very touching. I lost my dad when i was 2, i dnt have very many memories. I am now 16 and the realisation of how different my life is to my friends is just sinking in. Il never have the same father-daughter love that theyll have, on my wedding day it wont be my dad walking me down that isle and things like that are what upsets me most.
Thank you for sharing this. My dad died over 11 years ago and I can relate to pretty much everything that you wrote. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
very well written…The love of my life also the father of my 4 kids. He was murdered 2 yrs ago…it still seems like yesterday…i miss him so much..i have been single since….It’s not easy to move on…..
It sucks, doesn’t it?
I’m 24, and this February it will have been 10 years since my Dad died.
Accomplishments are worst thing, in my opinion. I’m an actress, I moved to L.A., got cast in a movie etc etc and went straight to Westwood Memorial Park, sat at Marilyn Monroe’s grave and bawled my eyes out! It is not fair he can’t be here to see it all happen, even though I do believe he can see it from wherever he is.
I’m glad there are so many people on here who understand – sometimes I feel I’m all alone in this.
My dad has been gone over 11 years and on a daily basis I am fine. But sometimes out of the blue I get incredibly emotional. It’s the slightest thing that sets it off: a movie, a song, an image in my mind. I can’t explain it to anyone because they can’t relate or they don’t understand how I can still get so emotional. I wonder if it is normal to get upset so many years later, but as I get older it does get harder: harder to remember him and harder to picture him in my life now. As my siblings and I grow up I wish that he were here to see us and have a relationship with us as adults. I wish he were here to meet his grandchildren….
It does get easier, but it never goes away. Thank you for writing this and letting me know that I’m not alone.
Thanks for shring this article, Samantha. My dad just passed away suddenly on 15 Nov 10 and i am still in a shock. He was 87 and took very good care of his health. He suddenly fell ill on 5 Nov 10 and was hospitalised and his condition was deteriorating the day he was admitted and the dr. did tell us to get prepared for the worse which we refused to listen and belived that he will recover soon. I spent the last few days in the hospital taking care of him. The day he passed away, i was not beside him but my sister was but she slept off. My sister and I regret so much for not being there at that moment. We miss him so much and after reading your article, i know that we are not alone.
This was so amazing for me to read. I constantly block all my feelings from my mothers passing 8 years ago and have yet to deal with it in an appropiate matter. I could barely read your story b/c I cried all the way through it. Your story is relatedable as are the comments. THank you all for making my day better.
you are going through exactly what i am going through right now I just keep asking him for a sign and crying waiting for it. for me it has been 6 years ago my father died in october 2010.
you have helped with the calm thanks for that tonight.
sorry wrong year there sheesh obviously
Quite simply, thank you for making me realise that maybe I am, quite possibly, just normal in grieving for my dad xx
my dad died when i was 7 i never really remember grieving for him, i would always pretend I was too young to really know, as a defence mechanisim I suppose and like the previous post to act like it did not really effect me, so no one felt sorry for me. I am the youngest of my 2 sisters an one brother, we were were not allowed to go to his funeral on the 04th December 1979, now my daughter is the same age that I was when he died and I find myself strapped with more grief with this than I do normally around the xmas time, seeing in my daugther the age and realisation of how young I actually was.
I only discovered after my daugters dad left us with our little baby girl that our first xmas in 2003 that my dads birthday was xmas day, which made xmas even worse for me.
I think this is nice I can post this add as a tribute to my Dads Joeseph’s life and wish I would have had more memories and a father figure through out all of my life.
Im so glad i found your article… you made me realise that Im not going off my head.
I lost my beloved Dad 3 years and 5 months ago and I had been wonderin if something was wrong with me cos of all the tears and so many things reminding me. I had a counsellor and she said I was grieving slowly. Actually now I think its just normal. If you were close to someone, you cant adjust that quickly and you will always miss that loved one. You just have to try to live life to the full in spite of it.
So thanks so much for sharing this and helping me and many other people. xx
Thank you for writing this. I use to wonder how long someone should grieve when losing a loved one and the answer I found is..it never ends. There is always pain or sadness when memories or incidents like the ones you mentioned occur. Every single thing that you mentioned still happen to me. It’s been 3 years since the passing of my mother (my absolute BEST FRIEND)and I still have moments that put me on “pause”. I give attention to that moment and then try to move through it. I don’t even bring her up as much because I’m sure people get sick of hearing me talk about her but I miss her so much. Until I lost her, I never knew you could miss someone so much. Like Anna said, I know I’m normal now and because of what you’ve shared (and others) and I feel a lot better. Thank you all so much.
I have been searching for years on and off for a site where I may be able to connect with others in this “club”. Christmas is incredibly hard for me. My father died of a heart attach while on an annual fishing trip with my brother. They were in a very remote area of Canada with no hospitals or phone service – he never had a chance. That was 6 years ago. I was 22. I found out that he died on the way to my college graduation ceremony. 6 years later, I find myself indecisive, anxious, sad, and robbed of my parent. I feel like I am stuck. Did anyone else have a parent die at that pinnacle in life – just stepping out on your own? It just feels like I totally lost my way when you died and for the life of me, I can’t find my way back! Suggestions welcome : )
I lost my dad 11 years ago. I feel more and more sadness.
Colleen just try to remember that your father loves you and always wants the best for you in your own life as he always did before he passed away. Both of my parents have been gone now for almost a decade and the pain never goes away. I just try to manage the pain the best I can. I know that some day I will be with them again because of my religious beliefs and I also know that Christ wants all of us to live our own lives to the fullest avery day because he said so.
Dear Samantha,
Thank you for sharing your experience. Now I know I’m not the only one that is having a hard time dealing with the loss even after many years.
On the day I got the bad news in school from a relative, I had a shell shock and everything changed. I think I used to have excellent memories of events in time-order with vivid details, but I really couldn’t remember much in my past 10 years after my father passed away. My memories and sense of time have been blurred.
I know my psychological trauma would never heal. After so many years, I still have sweet dreams of us living happily together or nightmares of him being sick. I still deeply regretted that I didn’t spend more time with him before he passed away, because I couldn’t imagine that he would leave me so soon and at the same time I had to go to school and deal with the stupid college entrance exams. I did well for the exams and got admitted by my first-choice college, but I felt so lost and miserable in the first couple years. I transferred eventually.
In most days, I have tried to focus on my daily life and not to think about the loss. But, the wounds never heal. Like you said, there are always these moments that reopen the wounds and cause an emotional breakdown, making tears run down like a river.
I just comfort myself by wishing him in a much better place where there is no pain or grief but happiness.
My dad died 7 years ago last month. i really miss him alot. i typed into google, “my dad died 7 years ago.” i read this to tears. i really did. this is beautiful. i never really cried or anything when he died. it changed me so much into a “tough” girl that i never really showed any emotion to anyone. i think i am making up for 7 years of grief right now.
I found your post this evening in the midst of real moments of grief and longing for my dad who died nearly five years ago. You are so right; we’ll never stop missing our dads, and we’ll never really “get over it.” We just find other ways to fill our lives and try to keep the fantastic memories alive. Last night, I had a dream about my dad, and he was smiling, laughing and enjoying a cocktail. I like to think this is what he’s doing now. I wish you peace amidst the struggles; I feel your pain. Hugs to you.
My mother died suddenly when I was 5 years old. Now it is many years later and I am trying to understand what happened to me. After spending most of my life trying not to think about it I have for the past several years immersed myself in the process of grieving for her, but it seems like it is an onion, you go through one layer of grief, and then there is another.
It’s funny, this is exactly my story.
My dad died of lung cancer when I was 11 years old. Those words never lose their bitterness, no matter how many times I’ve had to write them down. It has been seven years now.
Now I’m at college, it’s my first year being away from home on the anniversary of his death and it feels as if it just happened all over again. A few days ago, before the anniversary, I unexpectedly came across a picture of him and burst into tears. I thought that maybe after almost 7 years I would be better at this…I’m not. And I think I’m finally okay with the fact that I’m not okay. My life has never been normal since he died, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. There is no such thing as normal once a parent dies. The whole inside my heart has not shrunken, I’ve simply gotten used to it being there.
I miss you daddy.
Hi Sam,
I want to say thank you so much for sharing your story with us. I too lost my mother 9 years ago & she was my best friend & we were very close..
About 5mos ago, I was visiting my mom & crying & this man that sales plots at the cemetary came to me to comfort, but he made a comment that sticked with me & made me feel sad & worried. He said that how I was feeling was not normal, my grieffing shouldn’t last this long. He said I should get professional help. Ever since, for mos I’ve been thinking about his comments..
After reading your story, made me feel safe knowing that I am normal, how I feel is ok, you really made me so happy today..thank you from the bottom of my heart..
Im so glad i found this! I can relate to it completly. I lost My dad 7 yrs ago and although most days i dnt even think about it, there are those days that I just cry and remember. As much as I still talk to him now I just wished I could have done it while he was still with us. I just had a daughter which would have and is his first granddaughter and its been hard.
My dad died 19 days & 23 hrs ago…He was 93! it makes me sick when someone says “Well he had a good life” Yes he most certainly did but that doesnt mean I Miss Him any less than someone who died younger, that my mums heart isnt breaking any less than someone elses, or that I miss him any less than someone who died at 51. The fact is MY DAD DIED & I Miss Him, yes he had problems yes he was in some pain but he was MY DAD. Almost 3 weeks on and i cant believe how fast the time has flown equally I can’t believe the pain is still here…………Does it ever go away??? When does life ever become “normal” again?? Does the pain ever go!
I don’t think i’m eloquent enough to express my gratitude for your writing this piece. It completely sums up my feelings about my dads death coming up 5 years ago, in well, seven days. Perhaps in showing this article to my partner he can perhaps start on the journey to understanding the grief i feel.
I still feel robbed of my father and cry for the pieces of my life i will never get to share with him and him with me. I was told yesterday that perhaps it is worse to have a father who is absent from your life than to have a father who died. I couldn’t disagree more and i would give anything for him to be absent from my life than gone forever.
He may not have been a perfect man but he was the best dad i could ever have hoped for. Most days i’m fine i get up and on with my day maybe with a passing thought but then there are the days, the special days, that i can’t help but weep for his loss in my life.
Thank you
Sam, it was such a privilege to meet you this evening. My dad was away in WWII for the first year and a half of my life, and so as a very young child I grew up with my grandfather seeming like my dad — a wonderful, loving man, calm and unflappable, everyone’s favorite town doctor. He died of a heart attack on my fifth birthday, and while my parents and their siblings rushed to be with him those last few days, they felt my brother and I were too young to understand, so left us at home with someone else caring for us. I’m now 66, and it still brings tears to my eyes every time I think about him and about the fact I never got to say goodbye to him; I still have on my wall the miniature cuckoo clock that was his last birthday present to me. Thank you for sharing such a thoughtful and open and articulate tribute to your dad, and to the emotions that those of us who have lost a parent still continue to live with over a lifetime.
My own dad died five years ago in his 80s, and I still miss him too — mainly in the daily things like no longer hearing the sound of his voice on the answering machine, and no longer having him there to cheer us on and be proud of us as he always was, probably often more than we deserved, but he WAS always there and cheering for us. The only consolation is that I do continue to feel his presence, his spirit, so actively and vividly alive in my life, so very often, and especially, it seems, at times when I’ve had to wrestle with an important decision. I hope you can still sense your dad’s presence and spirit in your own life, cheering you on and being a supportive presence in your own life’s decisions even if he is no longer there in person.
Thank you for you article and everyone for their comments. This is the first time I have heard so many stories with every single one experiencing exctly what I do…Its nice to feel undrestood.
My Dad passed away 7 years ago, it was Spring time, everything was coming to life while he was fading away. Now every spring when the trees start to blossom I get this sense of grief that just wells up inside of me and at first I don’t even realize what it is and then it hits me like it was yesterday…I think we all need to remember the hurt and to cry to be able to lighten the load and move on..My Dad loved to listen to tenors, so out comes the Tenor CD’s and the handkerchiefs in the springtime…For anyone who is feeling overwhelmed just know that it will get easier…
Wow, that about sums up how i feel, i lost my dad 7 years ago, in 2004, all those things still hit me as well that you mentioned, just the little things sometimes that trigger memories
I feel the exact same way my father passed in 2005 when I was 15. I am 20 now and I still miss him so much I think about him everyday and how different my life was with him in it.
I can relate to your article as my dad passed away less than a year ago. It certainly is difficult. I’m not young (39) but it hurts plenty. I’m going to get married in a few months or so and hoping I will not cry when I think about him not being there to enjoy it. Thankfully my fiancee is very supportive and she helps makes things better during my occasional breakdowns…
Reading this relates to how i feel so much. I am nearly 18 and my dad died quite suddenly on the 25th March 2008. even now i find things upset me so much and a part of me feels that this feeling will never go away. I have a boyfriend who i have been with nearly 3 years. i wish my dad could have met him. I wish he was here for my achievements in life and to be there for important occassions. i am an only child and there is nobody to talk to.I miss him very much and at times wish he was there… at times i forget and go to do or say something and then i realise he isn’t here. Sites like this can be very supporting and it helps to know it isn’t just me that feels the way i do .
It’s been four and a half years since I lost my Mum and sometimes I think the pain will never leave me. It hasn’t gotten any easier, that’s for sure. Because of the milestones such as the birth of my daughter, things that have been hard to deal with that my Mum would have been there for as my Mum, or just sharing life with her, I think her loss is felt so much more. My Dad died when I was 15 and when I graduated, I cried for him. I identify with everything you have said. I just wish there was some easy way to get over the loss of a praent. There isn’t, and there never will be, particularly for those of us who took our parents to be our left and right arms, our be all and end alls, our best friends, our shoulders, our complete entire worlds.
I hope to God that my daughter never suffers losing me the way I have suffered losing my Mum.
The wost thing is, in my life, I don’t have anyone who can share or appreciate how I feel. It makes me grateful to read this and the comments below it, to know I am not alone, even though every day I feel it. Thank you
i lost my mother 5 years ago.just like so many she was my best freind.i was 5 months pregnant at the time.it felt like i didant have time to greive.but i miss her so much and think of her all the time. such a shame she didant get to see my son.
Today I went to the cemetery; it has been 26 years since my mother has passed away. I was 11 and I still can not go there without crying. The hurt is not in front of me everyday but when I reflect on it the pain makes it way to the surface and never seems to go away.
This article was a solace to read. So much of it rings true. I also lost my dad 7 years ago, when I was 15. He was the closest person to me in my life. I miss him all the time still, especially as I get older and accomplish the things he wanted most for me. My college graduation is this month. When I was younger all I wanted was to make him proud, and now I can’t believe he’s not here– I feel like we’ve both been robbed. It Is heartbreaking to think that every milestone will be tinged with this wistfulness. I sometimes feel ashamed that I still miss him so much, as if I should have “gotten over it” years ago. It’s a relief to know that I’m not alone, that permanence is the nature of grief.
I just lost my dad Feb.17th,2011.. I,m in total shock,disbeleif,numb.. My world has totally flipped upside down. I dont know how to function right now, life is unfair at times like this.This is the part of life I just know is coming but it still hurts to the core. Every minute of the day im crying,just knowing that he will never peer thru my door and greet me the way he did.. Not to mention our phone conversations.This article really hits home with me..I dont know how long its gonna take to accept it, right now its consuming my thoughts in everyway …..
Rod,
Talking about it is the right thing to do, being able to interact with people who share these feeling does make it easier. In time most thoughts will make you smile.
I read this, and can empathize completely. My dad died when I was 15, and I’m 18 now. I cried when I read this, because I relate so much. My dad and I were so close.. It’s just hard to believe sometimes that he’s actually gone. It feels so surreal, and like you said, the memories are unreal – As if they didn’t actually happen to you. It hurts knowing that I had a dad once, and he simply ceases to exist, while other people get to have two loving parents. The memories are intangible, and cannot provide enough comfort to make me “get over” not having him. Sometimes I get depressed wondering why the one loving, rational, positive influence in my life was taken and I’m left with an abusive mother and little physical potential for a successful future..
I wish I could say or do something that would bring my dad back, but no matter how many times I cry and wish for it, it will never happen. I don’t want to have to live the rest of my life without him… But I guess I have to.
I lost my mother 3 years ago. I was almost 40 and she almost 70. Some days I think it is harder 3 years later so it makes me wonder how it will be in 3 more years. I liken losing your parent to losing an arm, or a leg. It is a permanent loss that affects you forever. But just like losing an arm or leg, we adjust and find a way to walk again….use the other arm instead….we may not be whole again but we find a way to get around it and go on. We find a way! Sometimes we think about that loss and other days it just seems normal.
Im 29 nearly 30 sitting on my laptop reading this story and comments crying me eye’s out. I lost my dad when i was a 10, he was taking from me in an accident, an act of god, i remember been told! My mam didn’t talk much about him after he was gone, all the photo’s in the house where takin down, so as a young man I was left with a younger sister who didn’t understand what was going on and a mother who retreated into herself, It’s been 20 years since my dad died and im finding that now I am grieving more than I did when he died, I dont know why? maybe its because im getting closer to my father’s age when he pasted away, maybe because its getting harder and harder to remember what he looked like, sounded like smelt like. My eldest son is starting to ask question’s about him and I try my best to explain that he is in holy god’s pocket looking down on us, but I can feel the emotion bubbling up inside of me when he’s asking, I can see the little worry on his face and the realisation that I could die, I know it normal for children to question mortality but I don’t want him to feel or go through what I had to when I was 10. I find it hard to talk about it without my lip wobbling and by brain freezing and for this reason my wife finds it hard to understand why I get upset sometimes and go quite other times. I guess she’ll never will. Anything I’ve done in my life, finishing school, learning to drive, getting married, the birth of my children. There is away’s going to be something missing, an empty space in the room, a hand on my shoulder where my father should be, and this something I cant get past, know matter how hard I try. I love my family, and my wife is a fantastic mother but sometimes I feel jealous of her. If she need’s advice or has any worries about anything she talk’s to her mother or father. I on the other hand feel like im out on a ledge, I don’t have that! even if I didn’t want advice or guidance its the knowing that at the end of the phone he’d be there, but he’s not. I do take comfort in the fact that im not the only person out the that is struggling with the death of a father, I want to be the best father I can to my children. They say time heals all wounds, but I think some wounds cant be healed, its just something I have to live with and not let it take over.
I lost my dad when I was 13 and I am now 20 years old. It was somewhat of a relief to know that someone else goes through the same thing I do so long after our loss. My dad and I were very close; considering I am the youngest of 4 kids, I was, as cliche as this sounds, “daddy’s little girl.” My dad was just like yours; my older sister and I were always into sports growing up and if he wasn’t our coach he was one of the proudest parents on the sideline. I remember he used to always tell people that I was his “soccer star” when he told them about his kids.
Now six and a half years later I’ve earned honors and awards in sports all throughout middle school, high school, and now college and everyday I am reminded that he has missed out on all of this. Even during my soccer games I get choked up because I wish with all of my heart that he could be on the sidelines. What now seems like a dream to me, I took for granted so long ago.
The pain never really goes away, you just get used to it. No holiday, family party, soccer game, or graduation will ever be whole and complete again. Even sitting in your house, there’s an emptiness that lingers around that will never go away. One little thing you see or hear or smell can make your eyes well up with tears because they make the pain come back like you lost him yesterday. When your out having a good time and that song that he used to sing to you comes on(mine was “My Girl” by the Temptations) and no one knows that this song can bring back a million overwhelming emotions at once–nostalgia, sadness, happiness. The worst part is forgetting things about him that were so clear to me when I was 13 years old. I find myself replaying memories in my head before I go to bed to keep his memory clear in my head. The scariest thing is forgetting someone who you love so much and the one person in life that your friends around you still have the chance to make memories with.
I just lost my Daddy March 15, 2011 we were very close and his deeath was very unexpected. He was only 53 and I’m 26. I had just talked to him the week before and he wasn’t sick or anything. I got the call from my Dad’s brothers wife and I will never forget her exact words to me. “youre dad is dead we just found him dead.” there was no emotion no I’m sorry no nothing I completely lost it. I feel so alone I feel like this huge piece of me is missing like I’ve had a hole punched right through my chest. I was so busy trying to figure things out after he passed that I don’t feel like I had the chance to grieve the way I needed to. Now I feel like it’s too late for it like I’m stupid or whiney if I cry now after 2 and a half months. I have a very hard time even looking at pictures of him it just tears me apart. I hate to cry in front of people even my husband and he just doesn’t seem to care sometimes. He never tries to comfort me or anything. He doesn’t seem to understand that I am very depressed and that this is hurting me so much more than anything I’ve ever felt in my life. I just want my Daddy back but I know he’s not coming back and crying won’t bring him back. I just don’t know how to deal with this. What do I do? I feel so lost, I still have my Mom but I’m so terrified that I’m going to lose her too. I call her everyday and I’ve told her a few times that I’m scared and she understands she always tries to help I just wish I could see her more, my husband is very controlling and never lets me go anywhere or do anything without him except when I go to work or down the street to the store and that makes all this so much harder because not only do I blame myself for not being there with my Dad so I couldve at least tried to save him but I blame my husband that I couldn’t be there that I couldn’t spend more time with him and now what if I lose my Mom it’s going to be my fault all over again for allowing him to have so much control but I just can’t deal with it all right now.
I lost my dad about 3 1/2 years ago , he died at my granfathers funeral ( his dad ). I miss him so much and I have such a hard time on father’s day. My husband and I do not have any children and this holiday just kills me.
I always looked up to my dad and miss him so much.
He was such an easy going guy and it hurts when I see my mom by herself. When I see her , it’s hard not to see him. The pain gets a little easier but it still is a huge hole in my heart. You miss that person sooo much. Driving back from my grandfathers funeral in dad’s car was the worst.
Having my dad there ( out of state) then gone in a second from a massive heart attack in the parking lot has weighed on my shoulders and I cannot get that vision out of my head , even after 3 yrs.
Elizabeth,
I don’t know if anyone has said this to you, but you father’s death is not your fault! It is ok to cry,sometimes it is the only way to get relief. We all know that crying does not bring anyone back that is not the point, it can help ease your pain. Don’t let the fear of someones death control you it is normal to worry about those you love and worry more after losing someone, but we will a walk that path and there is nothing wrong with that. We can’t help you with your husband, but we all can support each other here. I found reading and commenting on this to be a huge comfort for me, I hope it does the same for you.
My dad died Sept.25,2010 of lung cancer. He was 65 and I was 35. I thought something had broken in me because I now constantly cry over small seemingly unrelated things.
I am so grateful I found this beautifully written piece about your own experiences with grief…
I lost my mum almost 9 years ago, when I was 9. Now that I’m 18, there are a lot of things happening at the moment, where I often think, ’she should be here to see this.’ As of late, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about her, and reading your article has made me feel so much better. Thank you for writing it.
What a wonderful article. I lost my dad almost 10 years ago and since tomorrow is Father’s Day I am having a really hard time like I do every year. Everyone is making their plans with their fathers and here I sit looking at pictures and reading old birthday cards he gave me. I can’t say that after reading this I felt better because I was crying the entire time reading it. But I will say that I did relate to it and didn’t feel as alone as I do when I am going through my hard days (as I call them). I want to say thank you for your word. Often times it is hard to really express what your feeling and then publish them for everyone to read is something else. But thank you reading your article helped me.
This article is so well-written. I can relate to your experience. I’m 19 and on May 19, 2011 my father passed away unexpectedly in his sleep due to extensive medical problems. He was 57, and we were very close. My father was a veteran and served our country for 22 years. He developed a lung infection when he worked in Kabul, Afghanistan in August 2005, when I had just turned 14. He was in a coma for a little over 3 months and when I saw him for the first time since he left that June, I was shocked. He was on life support, had a ventilator tube in his throat (a ventilator is a machine for people in critical condition who can’t breathe on their own) and weighed 92 pounds. Before he got sick, he was very healthy and had a healthy body weight. He had to relearn how to walk, talk without a tube in his throat, hold a pencil, and eat solid foods. He had many peaks in his health, but then began deteriorating again in June 2007. Since then, he had been hospitalized a few more times. It came to me as a complete shock when he passed away. I had spent the entire day with him after he was discharged from the hospital. When he got out, he had very limited mobility, meaning he was in a wheelchair until he completed his outpatient physical therapy. He was home from the hospital for 8 hours and passed away in his sleep. The one detail I will never forget is that I found him before anyone else did. I see things every single day that remind me of him. It helps to talk to family and friends about a traumatic event such as this. I still cry a few times a week. To anyone who has lost a parent as a teenager, are there any coping skills you use to make grieving easier?
Fifty years ago, my dad died suddenly at work from a heart attack. I never grieved. Never got over it. After much therapy, I’m out of hope of ever feeling normal again. I worked for 30 years, had two sons, a forty year marriage; am now retired.
My outward success in life was undeniable. But much of that time I lived in a sad, joyless private world while trying to camouflage my sadness; the interminable missing of my dad.
Allie,
Get counseling !!! It can make a world of difference in you life. You don’t have to go through this alone, use your support team.
reading this changed my life, i feel like you are the most amazing person in the world and you deserve everything you have, i know that nothing could replace your father and you probably feel like you have a hole in your heart and i feel for you, i would like to get to know you a bit because you seem like the most amazing person in the world and i dont know i would just love to talk to a person like you
My Dad died of a heart attack 9 years ago when I was 44. We were so close. I miss him so much. Yes, it’s the little things will trigger memories and grief. Sometimes, it’s the changing of seasons, because it’s a reminder of how how much time has passed and how far I am from a time when he was here. Not long ago, my Mom and I went to her parents’ graves and she cried. She said she still misses them, and they died almost 50 years ago. It helped me to not rush my grief, to not push it away, to just let it take its time, and to let it visit now and then.
I lost my dad nearly 4 months ago. I lost him to lung cancer, which spread to his brain and liver. He lived 9 months from diagnosis. If only diagnosis was earlier he would have had longer. My dad was a very fit 68 yr old, still working! I will never get over watching my father suffer physically and mentally, be depressed, not talk about his illness, watch him cry in front of his cancer counsellor that dragged the words out of him weeks before his death “I know I’m going to die, it’s what I’m leaving behind…… “. That rips my heart over and over again. We all lose our parents but the time was not right for my dad. He didn’t deserve to die the way he did. I love my dad so much and wish I could just talk to him one more time. What Shawna said is how I see things :
“I lost my mother 3 years ago. I was almost 40 and she almost 70. Some days I think it is harder 3 years later so it makes me wonder how it will be in 3 more years. I liken losing your parent to losing an arm, or a leg. It is a permanent loss that affects you forever. But just like losing an arm or leg, we adjust and find a way to walk again….use the other arm instead….we may not be whole again but we find a way to get around it and go on. We find a way! Sometimes we think about that loss and other days it just seems normal.”
I know I have a long way to go, this is just the beginning. My mother just had a heart scare a month after dad. I can’t comprehend losing both parents. I feel like I’m going mad. I had to go back to work in the public domain and act normal and meet and greet and deal with the public and my work colleagues when I really just want to shut myself away. But my dad would not want me to be like that, he was a tough dude, and I shall honour him but being tough, but its tough! Thank you everyone for sharing your words, it has helped me. I don’t feel I have anyone to talk to. My husband is a saint, but he still has his parents. I have a counsellor and she is lovely but she can’t babysit me forever. My life must go on, I do have other things to live for. IVF here we come! ;o)
My dad died in a motorcycle accident when I was 9. It’ll have been 8 years this November. I have never read something that summed up what I have felt so clearly and eloquently. Thank you for this. It’s so true; there are periods where I almost forget that he’s gone. Others where I cry for hours, feeling the raw pain as I did 8 years ago.
To Allie: My best advice is to take it one day at a time. Don’t try to be anything, it’s not your job to be strong for someone else. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t support and be there for your family; it means you have to take care of yourself too. When I lost my dad I thought I had to grow up right then and take care of my family. I thought I had to be strong. All I had to be was 9. All you have to be is yourself. One last thing: don’t be afraid to cry. I’m having one of my nostalgia moments now, listening to sad songs and reminiscing. I cannot tell you how much they have helped me with accepting my dad’s passing. I know it’s hard and that words won’t lessen your pain, but I am truly sorry for your loss.
My dad also died when I was 11, 2 and a half years ago. Everything in this article is so eerily relatable – the telemarketers, the past-life. I can barely remember his mannerisms, or the sound of his voice. It’s nice to know there are people in a similar situation as me.
I’m sorry for your loss.
Great article, thank you for sharing.
You highlight one of the ongoing challenges of the grief process – Time. On the one hand it helps ease the intensity and the pain of the loss, on the other hand it makes you feel slightly more removed from your loved one.
My mother died many years ago, and occasionally I still find it valuable to intensify my memories of her by looking at photographs, reading her letters and bringing many happy memories of her to mind.
Best wishes to you.
I want to express my gratitude. My dad passed away very suddenly from a brain disorder. I had spoken to him on the phone the night before. The next he was gone. Its been 10 months to the day. And I’m still grieving as if it was yesterday. I have horrible nightmares where I remember his open grave. I find myself at times thinking “I should tell dad about this. He’ll love it” . Feeling like a fool, close to tears when reality hits me.
I thought that this was very unlikely. That I’m not supposed to feel like this after so long. Your story has truly touched me. And I thank you for that.
There is a saying, “there is a poem about loss edged into stone . It has 3 words. But the poet scratched it out. You cannot read loss. It can only be felt.” .
People easily tell you some sort of advice which is useless. But reading and listening another stories. To understand you’re not the only one feeling this. . . I am truly grateful
Hi.
My father passed away merely 14 days ago, and I think about him almost every single moment.
I think I’m still on denial. I was very lucky in having a dad like mine, and I will miss him. I find comfort in thinking that it was not the other way around. Death of a child must be just much worse. As natural as it is, it hurts like hell. I try to call my siblings often because with them I feel some comfort. Be well, dad!
It’s funny how this article was written years ago, but so many people still relate to it. Today is my birthday. My dad died almost ten years ago. I’m sitting here alone and sad, realizing its because I’m still missing him after all this time… My favorite part in the article is how it was like a different life… When I meet someone new, I feel frustrated because I can never truly make them know my dad. I can talk about him, show pictures and videos and tell stories, but sometimes I want to scream because I can hear his voice so clearly in my heart, but no one else can. It sort of turned my life into two parts, with dad and without him. I have to remember that I’m still sensitive at certain parts of the year. I have to remember that its ok to still be sad and I don’t have to be brave for anyone… Thank you for writing this article. It made me feel a little less lonely.
Hi everyone, I too lost my father may/13/2010. And yesterday was his birthday, and I’ve had crying episodes! Every one keeps saying it’s gets better with time. I personally think it gets a little easier but, sometimes it feels like I can’t stop crying. I wish he would come to me in a vision or dreams and tell me he’s ok! Love you dad!
My Dad died 9 years ago, Im now 42. Im crying like a little girl that misses her daddy so so much. He was everything to me, he was the centre of my world. He loved me so much, he was my comfort when life got to me at times. I miss you Pa, and I will always miss you xxxxxxx
Great piece! I was 7 when my Dad committed suicide, and I am now 30. Every single major event in my life: the small Lutheran school graduation, high school’.collage 2 times, and my wedding last month. Every time I wish he was there! He was my best friend and I could not agree that even almost 22 years later, I still miss him! I admire your story and know how it feels when people say and your Dad? Fathers day cards in elementary school were the worst, I lost a lot of my confidence after he did, I went from outgoing to shy, but somehow i. My late 20s I became me again, I have a stepfather that I love as my Dad who gave me away at my wedding, and a great husband! Still though I miss my father Rick, thanks for sharing your story!
My dad passed away 12 years ago, while I was 17. I have been so depressed since then. I read your article a couple years ago. Rereading it today, I still burst into tears. My dad was not the “brag-about-your-kids type of guy”, but I know he loved and cared about me. It’s so sad that he left before I could do anything for him. To live is to grief.
This is a wonderful story you shared with all of us. My grandfather died when I was 13 and my father when I was 23. I’m 35 and still miss them both greatly and the memories are something that will never go away. We certainly get over the grief and as time goes on things do get easier. That certainly doesn’t mean there will never be any sad days and that’s because those memories never go away. There will always be birthdays, holidays, and the anniversary of the day they died. On the flip side I hope you all have those times when you have a good laugh or a huge smile on your face when you think of something funny that happened or a great memory. I think that’s equally as important as when you have a day where you just need to cry a little.
Thank you for sharing your story.Today is 18 years since my dad passed away and i have to say it still is very painful.Sometimes i wonder what he would be doing right now if he was alive. It’s sad that now after all this years without him I can’t picture him. The only image of him in my head is from pictures or few memories. I was nine when he got sick and passed away. It feels like lifetime without him.I don’t like Christmas,birthdays etc. because its only a reminder of his absence in my life. I hope one day it gets better…
My dad died when I was 19 and me mom a few months later. I turned 30 this year and it never really got better for me, I just learned to accept it as a part of my life. My son is 3 now and I wish my parents could see him. I am now dealing with the realization that I spent my entire 20s in mourning and I wish I went to college or did something productive. Now I stay at home with my son while his mom works and I love my life, but it isn;t what I dreamed of having before my parents passes away. Its not really me, I am being, I am doing what I think my father would have wanted to me to be. Its bittersweet situation. Its been lonely for me and this is one of the first times ive eer spoken about how ita affected me. Good Luck to all who loose a loved one. Life is never the same without those who make it worth while to live.
Wow… I really understand. My dad died 7 years ago when I was 11… I’m 17 now and I’m still having such a hard time. I just looked up..’ my dad died 7 years ago when I was 11′ and this came up. It’s nice not to be alone.
I want to thank you for this piece. I really appreciate that you done all this. I’m going through the same thing. I lost my dad when I was 15, nearly two years ago. I am struggling with life. I do feel like killing myself. But this has really helped me. Lots of love to you and look after yourself. <3
I was looking for this and didn’t realize it. I googled “how long I would grieve after losing my father” eleven months and one day ago. This article made me laugh and cry. It Is the truth simply put, and now I understand there is no specific or even approximate time that I will feel “better” for lack of a better word (no pun intended). And I should ignore those folks who approximate that the first year is the hardest. I felt awful this first year, but in a strange way, I am scared for it to end because it’s almost like that magical hope and faith that you feel during this first year that you may see the lost loved one around a corner, or hear a bump in the night and hope it was your loved one just “checking in”, starts to fade. The truth sets in a little more, an so does the hurt after that first year of denial and disbelief, and hope that just maybe……. I’ll see him one more time, please just one more time.
This is exactly how it feels. You don’t truly understand until you experience it.
After reading your spot on article, it reminded me of a great movie I recently watched called “This Happy Breed” by Noel Coward. In it, Robert Newman who played the father Frank yells, “She didn’t pass on, pass over, or pass out! She died!” You can’t help but chuckle, but I found the quote to be very comforting. I took it as we shouldn’t sugar coat death. It is what it is.
I just watched the season finale of “The Big C” (**spoilers ahead!!!**) with Laura Linney and at the end of the show, as she was finishing a marathon, the spirits of two people close to her who had died, Marlene her neighbor and Lee, a fellow cancer patient, appeared at the finish line. But also her husband who had just died of a heart attack! Of course she was in shock and the show ends there. Like you, Samantha, I was reminded of three of my very close friends who have died.
Belle was my next door neighbor whom I had known for over 11 years. I would go over to her house every Saturday morning for coffee. We would, according to Belle, talk about this and that and that and this. She was in her 80’s and sometimes I would take her to the store to carry some heavy items for her. She had heart disease, but it was her kidneys that finally did her in. She was 86. You know, just the other day, the person living in her house was coming out her back gate as I was coming out of my house and I heard the back gate latch make that familiar noise whenever Belle came out and I immediately thought of her. Funny – the little things.
Roy was my best friend from college. He and I did everything together and we just had this special bond where you are like old spirits who knew each other in a past life. He was so young, just 22 when he died of cancer. I was in the hospital with him and we would sit and talk for hours with no one interrupting us. This was back in 1992 so there were no cell phones, smartphones, Blackberries, or any of those annoying (like telemarketers) electronics that we all should put away for a while and just talk to each other, you know? Believe it or not, this was such a nice happy time for us as we would laugh and reminisce. I think of him almost every day going on 20 years. Yep. It really never goes away.
Gary was my childhood best friend. We knew each other for 7 years from when I was 6 until I was 13. This was back in the 70’s. We were inseparable. Blood brothers. We built forts together and ate worms together and went sledding down the pipeline until our moms would ring the bells in the distance letting us know it was time for dinner. I was so lucky to grow up back then. Fleetwood Mac, CCR, Jefferson Starship. So lucky. We moved away when I was 13 and we promised to stay in touch, but distance is a relationship killer for sure. Six or seven years went by and I was travelling back to my old hometown and called Gary’s parents to tell them I would be stopping by as I could not get ahold of Gary himself. Well, his Mom said that he was killed in a car accident the month before. Wow. Talk about devastated. To this day, sometimes I really can’t believe that it happened.
Definitely the little things that remind me of my friends the most. It hurts sometimes a little and sometimes a lot. But it hurts none the less. Death. It is what it is.
My Dad died when i was 13 this is 4 years ago almost. He died of mutiple myeloma which is a cancer of the bone marrow. We realised when a secondary tumor compressed his spinal chord so he was beginning to become paralysed in his legs. It was almost a year after diagnosis and he everything seemed to be going well until he was taken into hospital with problems with his blood counts and died two weeks later on christmas day. Its safe to say that i no longer like christmas or even somewhat dislike it because of some of the memories it brings back. Alot changed after that i had to move to a different country to live with my mum who was living there and remain here now. So much of this article that resonates with me you cant really say it get easier because you just learn to deal with it better. Sometimes when i ask am asked about my dad i lie or just say its complicated because i don’t like the pity even though they mean well. It is true that I no longer feel like i am drowning in grief all the time, loss is not everything i think about. But the fact that he will never see me finish school, or university, or get married still makes me feel alone in the world and the occassions when a memory, or an object, or a place, or even just a word makes it all hit you again. I wish things had been different everyday, but you just have to get on with your life even if it tags along with you.
Cronaim thu mo Athair
My dad raised me alone and passed five years ago when I was 26. He was 85 when I was 26 so it’s hard to relate to a lot of people with younger parents. Ive no family to talk with or remember him which I think would’ve helped a lot. I miss him and suffer through a un colorful life without him. The way I found this site was because I was writing messages to him on google. I miss him.
Hello. My husband has cancer and his prognosis is not good. I have two children, 14 and 11. I am trying to prepare myself for what is to come. Do you have any advice for others who are as old as you were? Would you have felt better if he had written you a letter to open later, or done something that meant something to you. My husband has always said that he wants to walk our daughter down the aisle on her wedding day. It is clear now that that is never going to happen (she’s 11). Should he write her a letter to open on her wedding day? I am trying to think of ways he can ensure his continued presence in the children’s lives although he won’t be there. But, I want them to help, not hurt.
I am sorry for your loss. I hope it does get easier. I am angry at what is to come.
This article helped me to realize what I’m going through is normal. My father died December 21, 2007, when I was seventeen. I didn’t have a great relationship with my dad and now almost four years later I still feel angry because of the poor relationship yet find myself longing for his return. The tears still flow at random moments like when Looney Tunes comes on.
I don’t know anyone else who has lost a parent and most of my friends tell me I should have dealt with the loss by now so it’s nice to know I’m not crazy.
My dad died 9/11/11 @ 3:30 pm and yes I do miss him very much. He died of lung cancer, only being diagnosed 3 weeks earlier. I am a full time retail manager, married, primary caregiver for my mother who is ill (almost lost her last holiday season), and was ready to take my father into my home for hospice. We did not get to that point, he was only in the hospice holding center for 2 days and he passed away. The tumor in his lung grew into his spine and paralyzed him from the waste down. This was why I originally took him to the hospital b/c just like “that” he could not stand up. After being in the hospital for 6 days, we got the bad news of the cancer. So, my family immediate began to pray very hard that my dad would not suffer through this evil disease, not feel the pain, and pass quickly. He had other issues from the cancer too, like a blood clot in his lung, gangrene in all of his toes, and an aneurysm in the aorta. He did not really look bad, beside the weight loss and the loss of muscle tone, in all, pretty alive. My dad was also mentally ill since I was 7 and I am 35 now. The last week of his life I witnessed what I feel was a grace from Jesus Christ. It as if my dad became a totally different person. He had suffered all his life with his mental illness (this made our relationship rough) but now he seemed to be relieved of it. He was laughing and happy and told me that he was okay with things, he told me not to cry b/c he was going home (yes,I mean to the Lord). His exact words were, “Celebrate, I am going home.” My dad never spoke that way and seemed to be a whole different person. He was not scared, but so peaceful. I didn’t say anything to my husband about this but, when he saw my dad he could see it too. The exact graces that we prayed for were given to him. I knew at that moment he did not have long, I felt that in my gut, it was going to happen soon. The Dr.’s could not even give me a time frame on life expectancy for him. The day he died I was there with my family b/c he took a turn for the worse. He was having trouble breathing and this was the first time he had been given pain meds (Morphine) to ease his breathing. He was still very alert and I talked to him, told him not to be scared and that I loved him. After we left about an hour later he passed. I am crying as I write this, yes, I miss him but I also see the beauty in his death. This is why I decided to reply, typically I don’t……but if I can give someone else comfort ….it’s worth it. I miss him more everyday, the mind cannot except but the heart excepts with great joy!!! He is free, in heaven, with Jesus Christ. He is young again, in a brand new perfect body, he has no worries, no fear, and unimaginable bliss. We can’t even imagine this kind of happiness on Earth, it’s so perfect. It will last forever and ever, Jesus conquered death, in turn we begin true life when we leave this Earth. I would never want to take that away from him, never, not even to be here again. It would be selfish, he has earned his reward. Yes, I too will miss him when I have my first child, and other accomplishments in my life, but I still have my father, he is in heaven. More important, I will always have my heavenly father who will never fail me ……..ever!!!!!!
I hope that writing this was not a waste of time, but will truly help someone who is in deep mourning over a loved one. The more I see the beauty in death the better I feel. I pray that my tears will eventually subside, but I give glory to my lord Jesus……it is not my footprints in the sand but his.
Tina
I also encourage anyone grieving to look up the Divine Chaplet of Mercy, sometimes referred to as the Jesus of Mercy Chaplet Prayer. It really will help heal you and other too. My dad died on the Lords day, Sunday, and not only that but he died at 3:30 pm in the hour of Jesus greatest mercy to sinners. Jesus died at 3pm on the cross and this prayer reflects on his suffering. Research this prayer, it has a lot of meaning ………..
Lauren,
We are so glad that you found HelloGrief and this article in a time when you were hurting so much. It was brave of you to share what you shared here, and we want to be a supportive community to you as you continue to move through your grief.
Should you ever find yourself in a position where you may wish to harm yourself, or consider taking your life, we urge you to contact the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-TALK (8225.)
Grief is a difficult journey, and one that no one should have to walk alone. We hope that you continue to find support here, and continue to heal.
It has been a year I lost my dad, but I am really scared that the memories we shared together will slowly fade away through the years….I love him so much and since his death I never feel complete again in my life.
I enjoyed reading this article..all of it is true. I lost my father 4 years ago when I was 12. I’m 16 now and Still, to this day I miss him so much. I find myself crying a lot even though it’s been so long. I cried tonight actually. I miss his hugs and his laugh. It does get easier as time goes by but there are still those times where everything reminds you of him and you have to laugh to keep from crying. I loved him so much, I know a part of my heart died with him that day but, his memories will remain with me until I see him again.
I have just been sent this link by someone who means the world to me – I’m glad she did.
Emily – thank you.
I’m 36 years old and lost my father 4 and a half years ago. Today, 10th October would have been his birthday.
I’ve lost many people through my life, friends, family members – no different to the rest of the world, but one thing I’ve never been able to come to terms with was the loss of my dad.
I wasn’t fortunate enough to know my dad growing up as child, and only really got to know him when I was around 18 years old. I’m angry for not having those childhood memories that all my friends have, and in a way I think it’s the reason I’m not that close to my mother?
I enjoyed my dad’s company so much, and like every son he was the funniest dad in the world. He was the one person I spoke to as an adult if I had work, money or girl issues, and the only person who had an opinion I would listen to.
My dad spent the last few years of his life living alone, and despite him having children from a previous marriage I was the only one that spoke to him, or bothered in any way.
I called him without fail every single night regardless of what I was doing – even if I was on holiday on the other side of the world.
The idea was that if he didn’t answer then I would rush round to check as he was elderly and had suffered from heart attacks previously.
I tried to spend as much time with him, but the one thing I never asked was about his parents and life as a child or as a soldier during the war – something I regret on a daily basis.
The night before my dad died he had been feeling a little queasy and had been taken into hospital as a precaution – the following morning I was travelling to France for a weekend of golf.
I said I wasn’t going when I got to the hospital that evening – to which my dad was adamant I was and that he would still be there on Monday when I returned – I travelled as planned the following morning.
The following night he died during the night.
I’ve never been able to come to terms with the fact that I was another country when he passed away – although there was nothing I could have done, I feel I wasn’t there at the one time he needed me. It’s that thought that eats me up everyday, and something I find really hard to live with.
I will never stop thinking about him everyday, but I’m glad I was as close to him as I was when it mattered.
Dad – Happy Birthday.
Miss you x
Your story seems identical to mine and right now im having a hard night … you sum it up perfectly
This was beautiful. My dad died when I was 11 years old also. and this really moved me. I am now 20 years old and I am still struggling with the loss. All the best for the future.
Your story is beautiful. I’m so glad you decided to share it with other people and it’s great for us people who have been in your situation to see that we’re not the only ones and that it’s okay to still feel sad about our father’s death. I lost my father when I was 10 years old and it’s moved me to read your story. Tomorrow is my father’s anniversary of his death and I also find that all the little things remind me of him. Thank You again.
I lost my Nanna who raised me 19 years ago. She got sick with a brain tumor the end of 1990. I still refer to when she got sick or when she left, in 1992. I have not been able to move forward past my grief, to me it happened only yesterday. Compounding this is the cruel way in which my mother treated her and tried to keep us apart when Nanna was sick. Being jealous, she even tried to drive a wedge between us in death. My mother lived in the house after Nanna’s death, which they had built in 1944 and never allowed me to look ar or have any pictures or momentos of my Nanna (except ONE!) and Grandaddy, or even my own toys or dance programs or things we had done together. I was not allowed in the sheds or attic, which had all the papers and personal belongings of all my relatives dating back to the 1860’s. And I mean everything they ever did in their whole lives, right down to the preserved hair and the Packard car title from 1923 and the baby shoes. My mother died unexpectedly the end of August, leaving generations of hoarding and a monumental task. We had only 60 days before turning over my childhood home to the Reverse Mortgage company, which she had maxed out. I felt like a tape recorder pressed rewind, going really really fast thru everyone’s lives and everything they ever did in their lives. WWII, the Great Depression, war rations, trips they took, clothes and quilts they made, happy photos of all of us (minus my mother) celebrating holidays in the now empty house. Funeral books and strong boxes for every single person. Worst of all, notes and pictures of their great love for me, and how happy we all were. Suspended in time, right down to the Birthday cards and the skeleton keys, as if no one ever left. My Grandaddy’s (father) shed sealed up like a time capsule since his death in 1981. The bumper stickers, tools, writings in his little black book dating back to his time in the navy, everything just as he left it, 30 years later. My mother never even opened the doors to the shed, never went in the attic, which was stacked from the ceiling to the floor, seemingly was never interested. Yet she would not let me have access to it. I feel that I am grieving their losses all over again. I cried my heart out with new grief over each one, you could tell me my great grandmother died yesterday, not 1980 and I would believe you. I loved these people with every bit of my soul, and would never have any other relatives with whom I shared that close bond. Am I traumatized? Yes. Will I get over their losses anytime soon? Probably not. I have never heard of anyone faced with this exact situation.
I lost my dad about a year ago in 2010. Yeah, me too. When people talked about dads, I just talked about it as if my dad is alive too. The thing is I can’t bring myself to say that my dad has died. It is so hard for me to do so and plus I don’t want to hear that ‘I am sorry for your loss” thing from them. When I had to fill up my brother’s application for school for the first time after I lost my dad, I was stuck at the section on Family Details. I was pondering whether I should I write about my dad. When I realized I don’t have to write it, then I had to write my mom’s status as a widow. I don’t like forms.. I hate everything!!
Everytime that I came across something that my dad, my mom and bro did together, I feel sad at it. It just bring to a realization that he is not around to do it again. I had forgotten how to laugh in front of people that are not family. I feel so different; I dont seem to work the way i used to. I just know that I am not myself.
Your story of losing your dad in the early years depicts what I am going through now. At least I know that not just you, but almost everyone who has commented on this page are going through something alike.
I just lost my dad late last month from a sudden heart attack. I think about him everyday since then, and miss him immensely. Some say it gets easier, and it has to an extent. The sudden loss has affected my work, to the point that I can barely do my job, while helplessly thinking about him. I felt that I was way more closer to him then I am to my own mother.
The pain of loss that I felt was nothing like any other pain that I never felt this pain is much greater. I feel there is now a void in my life of which can’t never be filled by anyone else or anything.
Short time after my dad’s passing I went to make a telephone call to my step mom, then my Dad’s voice came over on the answering machine. I hung up and cried. Psychologically I know it’s my dad’s voice but in reality I know that I wasn’t really able to really converse with it.
Thanks for sharing this. I came across this article when I googled “i can’t get over my dad dying”…lame…i know haha. It’s been 6 years for me since my dad passed away, and I just can’t seem to move on. I think about him every day. I burst out in tears when I read the paragraph about “time”. That’s my biggest fear, as time keeps ticking, I feel like I’m forgetting things about him. It’s a strain to remember what his voice sounded like. I’m a wreck thinking about the day when I’ll have lived longer without my dad than with him, it’s scary. Anyways, despite the fact that your post has left me sitting here sobbing and blubbering over my keyboard, I appreciate the fact that you shared it, and that I now know I’m not the only one.
Tomorrow would be my dad’s birthday and on November 7, it will be the 20th anniversary of his death. Every year during this period of time, I find myself crying and depressed. I am glad I found this because it describes what I feel within myself. Thank you
My dad died on October 11, 2010 from a 20 year battle with Huntington’s Disease. He was 72 years old. He died at home enjoying a beautiful Autumn day while his caretaker was feeding him his favorite snack (jello) before my dad retired for the night. Five minutes after feeding my dad his snack, my mom came into the front room to see how he was doing. My dad smiled at her, took one deep breath then died. He went that fast. Usually, people with my dad’s disease die from pneumonia, infection, or choking. I almost lost my dad three times in 20 years. Twice from pneumonia and once from an infection with a high fever. Somehow, he always bounced back. I always thought my family would be rallying by his bedside to see him off to Heaven, but I guess God didn’t want my dad to see us all crying right before he took my dad. He wanted my dad to see my mom smiling and to remember his grown children and grandchildren smiling. I miss my dad something awful. We were best buddies. My dad was like a kid himself. My dad, my brother’s, and I played so many sports that I can’t even list them all. We went on lots of family vacations and things like that. He was the kind of dad everyone wanted. The day my dad died, I went over to his house where my mom was kneeling right by his side while my dad sat in his recliner, crying her eyes out. When I walked in and saw my dad dead, I just couldn’t believe it. Here was a man that was strong all of his life, and as the disease progressed, he got so weak that he had to be helped with everything on a daley basis. I sat with my dad, along with my mom and brother’s for four hours at the house. It was like our own little Wake before the Wake and Funeral that was to follow. To see my dad laying in a casket looking so handsome was too much for me to take. The entire Wake, I couldn’t leave the casket. I couldn’t talk to people at the Wake or anything. I just wanted to be by my dad’s side as much as I could. At the Funeral, I stood right there as the casket was being slowly closed. I just couldn’t believe that, that would be the very last time I would kiss my dad and see him in a physical presence. To this day, I am still crying. I just can’t understand why my dad had to inherit this disease while there are evil people in the world walking around without a care in the world. My dad’s brother and two sisters also have this disease and they are still alive. One brother in a nursing home and another sister in a nursing home. The other sister still lives at her house. I thank God that my dad didn’t die in a hospital or a nursing home, but at home exactly the way he wanted to die. He knew he was going to Heaven and he was waiting for God call which finally came. It kills me not to see him, visit him, or talk to him. A month after he died, I had a dream that my dad was standing there, back to his old self, having the biggest smile on his face. He held his arms open and I walked over to him and was crying very hard. He hugged me tightly and said, “Everything is going to be ok.” I woke up and he wasn’t there. That was my dad. Always reassuring everyone that things will be fine. Even in Heaven, he still reassures me. I love you and miss you dad.
My father died when i was a baby, and my mom suddenly died early this year, i have no siblings and my family members ignores me, thinking im a nuisance to them. Everyday I think of my mom, when i walk in supermarkets which she used to love to walk, i remembers her, when I watch a tv show that she loves to watch, i remembers her, even in my dreams i can still see her occasionally and “chat” with her…
Atfirst everyone says “you will get over it, stay strong” bla bla bla…But I dont want to forget her. What really hurts me most was I had made so many promises to her (ie: get her a ride in my car which i do not own now, finding myself a girlfrend and introducing to her, seeing me in a graduation uniform…etc) and now, realising that i had to break those promises, and they will never be fulfilled no matter how hard i try, it really hurts me.
What really amazes me was after her death, I “see” her in my dreams from time to time, first time I saw her was at my aunts house (i had never gone there for a long time, but my mom loves visiting her elder sister), i was sitting in the living room when suddenly she walks past me and sits down in front of me, and she asks how i am now, how was my career and such. and when i asked her “arent you….dead??”, she replied “no, i wasnt really dead. it was all an act to see how you would behave when i am gone. i was actually hiding all this time. I just wanted to test you.” ..and then i replied “lets go home, mom.” and hugged her. And I woke up.
Since then I see her in my dreams from time to time…and most recently, i had a huge fight with my best friend. And I told him that i dont ever want to see him again. On that night i “saw” my friend and my mom…they were chatting and I walk by and joined the conversation…its as if my mom wanted me to apologize to my friend and be buddies again…(which i did apologize to him. and how we still hang out)
I googled about dreaming of the dead phenomenon too…some says its the way they “talk to you”…some says its just your mind playing tricks on you…and some says its just coincidence…whatever it is, i rather believe my mom is still “alive” in an alternate dimension and still watching over me….
Thank you for sharing this story. I can’t sleep because my dad passed away unexpectedly. We found him today, but he passed Monday night they think. He was such a joy to be around, such a character, as well as a really strong, brave down to earth guy. I have two sisters, one older and one younger who I worry about. I just don’t want to see them as sad as they are. I am 27 and 5 months pregnant so I really have to try and be strong for my baby but I can’t stop breaking down. My pops was only 53 and just way too young to die. This is supposed to be a really fun time in my life but now has just really seemed to change. I’m not sure what to do or how to try and make myself feel better. This is so awful I can’explain. It just makes me feel better reading stuff like this and knowing I’m not alone.
Thank you for sharing your memories of your father with all of us. My mom was just like your dad, so funny, kind, and always excited when I had any accomplishments or awards no matter how small or big.
She died about 1.5 years ago, and I’m having a harder time now then when she just passed. She had a stage 4 brain tumor and suffered so much in her final month. It was heartbreaking to see such a funny, intelligent person lose her ability to smile, talk, and laugh. In the past year I’ve just tried to push down all of sad feelings, and pretend that everything is ok… I just feel sad all the time, but I don’t want my other family members to know because I don’t want them to be sad because of me.
It’s just been such a terrible year, and I have developed these unusual fears that I never had before she passed. I had several panic attacks, and like you, I feel so sad when anything good happens to me because I can’t share those memories with her. The saddest part of it all, is when I realize that when I have kids in the future, they won’t be able to know my mom, as the loving grandmother I know she wanted to be.
Thank you for letting me express my feelings with you all. It helps to know that other people are learning to deal with these life changing losses. Please take care all of you.
Thank you for this site. Thank you for sharing your heart. Thank you for giving us a space in which to share our hearts. I think this is really helping me get in touch with my grief.
I lost my father December 1, 2010. He was 89. He was older when I was born–42–and some say I was his favorite. I don’t know about that, but we had a special relationship. He was the nurturing parent in our family. Whenever my little sister and I wanted something, like to join the band, and my mother said no–she said “no” a lot–we would go ask Daddy and he would say, “Of course.” The majority of great things I did while growing up were because Daddy gave us permission.
Daddy was very old school. He paid cash for everything. He was a very hard worker, and lived to provide for his family. If he gave you his word, it was as good as a signed contract that would hold up in a court of law. Although we grew up in a small town in Mississippi that was fierce with racial prejudice, he was colorblind to that type of thing. He gave everybody a chance no matter who they were, until there was a reason not to trust them. He was very generous, and often helped people in town without ever saying a word about it. He was a pillar in the community, and that place will not be the same ever without him. He had the reputation of being honest, fair, and someone with very high integrity.
He refused to participate in gossip. If he heard a rumor about a person, and the person him/herself had not given him that information directly, he simply ignored what he heard.
My father was the quintessential gentleman, had a great sense of humor and loved interacting with people. He believed that the customer was always right, and he lived his belief. He was very wise, and I would have done well to heed his advice more. I remember that anytime we were walking and he saw a penny, he always picked it up. He appreciated everything in life, even something as simple as that.
Daddy had been going downhill for quite some time, so it wasn’t exactly a shock when he died but I wasn’t ready for the loss.
He was my rock. He loved me unconditionally. It didn’t matter what I ever did wrong, or what trouble I got into, or what stupid decisions I ever made, he never treated me any differently–ever. He just accepted me and loved me exactly where I was. I told him that he was the example of Who God really is in my life.
I think I am still looking for him in a man. I know there is no replacement for him, however, his best qualities are what attract me to certain men.
I had no idea I would find this site. I decided to type into a browser window, “Why am I crying for my Daddy today?” and I saw this link. Wow. Thank you for creating a space where we can connect.
I lost my daddy 10 days ago and I don’t know what to do. The pain is so unbearable, I just can’t imagine the rest of my life without him. He had a leg amputation and was in hospital ‘getting better’, yeah right. All he wanted was for me to take him home. He missed his family so much (my mom, sister, me, our husbands and his grandchildren). I wish I knew that he was happy where is is now and that he’s not angry with me for not bringing him home from hospital. When I left Friday night he was fine. Early Saturday morning we got a call to say he wasn’t doing well. When we got there it was too late. I will never get over the fact that he died alone. I hope that he knows I was always with him and always will be. A part of me died that day. ‘I love you daddy and you will always be a part of me’
One day I found out that my best friend of 23 years has a rare cancer and was going to die. I couldnt beleive it. They day he passed away I was called over to his house to see him lying there in his bed. This was my first experience of death of a loved one and it kicked me to the floor. 5 months later I got that 3:00 A.M call that my baby sister of 35 years old had just dropped dead. This one changed my life. I have never been the same. When I heard that news I fell to the floor and when I stood up I left behind something of me. I left the care free thought that we would all be together. After spending more time with my parents tryingh to get through the major disaster in our lives I get a call that my Father passed away. My mind and heart was all over the place. I was consumed with everything that was happining. My like seemed taken away as I was consumed with this. Two month later I get a call that my mother passed away in her sleep. Not trying to loose my mond as I have a wife and three children I am forced to deal with another funeral. I have lost my family in a short period of time. If it wasnt for the family I build to keep me sane, I do not know what state of mind I would be in all the time. I think about them all and I mean all the time. I miss them more than anything. I am truely hurting. Time as you mentioned does help, it does. But the pain is just right around the corner. I worote this to you becasue you are definitly not alone. You are going to have to read this one more time and that is ” I am sooo so sorry” God Bless and someday we all we be together. It will be just an amazing day.
This Dec. 2nd will be 10 yrs. since my fathers passing from colon cancer. I constantly feel as if I’m not grieving right because I am to this day crying at the mention of him or I stay up crying at night because I remember something about him. His illness made things worse it was not pleasant and although short it went on too long. I am adopted and although he was not my biological father he was my father. I have recently found my biological parents and their families and its hard he’s not here to know them and I have the feeling because he’s not here that by getting to know them I am “doing something behind his back” alot of grief and guilt is being brought back up, I really wish it wasn’t this hard anymore.
thank you for sharing we lost grandma my mother in law a year and a half ago im looking to help my wife
Thank you for this article. I lost my dad 8 years ago when I was 30. He was my best friend. And it seems like no one understands that some days are worse than others. Like today. I don’t wake up every morning thinking about him or go to sleep every night crying, like I used to. But, I miss him with all my heart. Recently I received a promotion at work and so wished I could share this news with him. He would have been so proud of me. I hate he will never know my daughters or see the woman I have become. Some days I never think of this… other days… it consumes me. It’s nice to know…I’m not alone.
This is a great article. Like so many others, I can relate to the pain of losing someone. My father passed away when I was 8 years old. My parents had divorced before that, but my sister and I always had a great relationship with him. Up until that August day in 2001, I had vaguely known what true loss felt like. When they told me, I went on with my day as norman. I did not get to say goodbye to my dad. In some way, I think that has always haunted me. That is why so many of the things you mentioned resinate with me. The time that was lost with the person. Some days I think to myself, “Has it really been ten years?” While other days it is clear. When People ask about family, I kind of get sentimental because my mother is remarried and my step-father is like a father figure but I feel odd answering a question like “What do your parents do?”
My dad got to see neither my sister nor I walk across the stage at graduation or see my sister walk down the aisle at her wedding. All things I dreamed about. Recently I was watching ‘Long Island Medium’ and although I am somewhat of a skeptic, I am also somewhat open to the idea that maybe we could talk to relatives that are no longer with us. On one episode, she was doing a group reading and stopped in front of a little boy, about 8, who lost their father. Even though there were different circumstances, I felt a connection to him. I cried like a baby thinking about him and myself as an eight year old. I have never really gotten to the point where I could talk about him and not cry, not until recently. Many tv shows, movies and songs make me think about him. One song in particular, ‘Dance with my father’ by Luther Vandross, gets me each time. Thank you for letting me know I am not alone.
I can relate to what your going through in so many ways. I lost my dad six and half years ago on my 15th birthday. It was by far one of the hardest things that I’ve ever had to go through. I was a daddy’s girl so I missed out on doing a lot of things with him that I would of did if he was still alive. I still struggle today with his death because we were so close. I wish he could of been here to see me graduate high school and now college. I also get constant reminders that he’s gone when I am watching tv or a movie. I hate when I’m out and see a father and daughter together knowing that I’ll never have that kind of bond with my dad. Thank you for sharing your story.
I’m scared that it’s never going to get easier. I lost my dad 23 days ago. I feel like I’m going crazy. It really does consume me. I wish I knew how to carry on and be happy again. My mom, my sister & her family, my husband and my 9yr old son need me. And I know they’re all feeling the same way. It’s just so hard for all of us. My heart is longing for my dad so much. I miss him terribly.
Ilost my Dad in 2003 and my Mom in 2005. There are good days and bad days in still wanting them here. Six years ago today was the last day i spent with my mom. i have had tears off and on. Iremember her words to me were it is better to go than to stay here and suffer. That there made me feel if my mom is that strong to say that then i need to be that strong also. It is so hard for us to let go of a loved one but none of want them to suffer and have no quality of life. Remember the happy things. Remember some of the funny dumb things that were said or done. It sure helps and talk about them it makes things easier than to try and forget. It does not matter how old we are when we loose our parent we still seem like that young kid. We are there children. My Mom did not want to pass aaway at her home because she did not think i could handle it afterwords.What bothered me so much was the thought of her being brought to the hospital to pass away. So i felt like i had to have my moms ok about her staying home. I promised her one it was her time i would be ok i did not want her to go to the hospital. she said then she would stay at home. I think it was the best thing for us both. Ilive in her home today it has comforted me. My mom worried about leaving me or how i was going to be than herself. Remember they give us stength.
I empathise with the author and every one of you who wrote these comments. Its great to read these as I never talk about this with anybody!
I lost my dad 8 years ago when I was 14 and even writing these words is hard. I have never ever faced the reality head on and even now, I completely block everything out. I will walk out of a room if there is an uncomfortable conversation which triggers memories. Or i will desperately change my train of thought when i start to think about him/what happened. If i don’t i know it will bring me to such a low and i will be in floods of tears. In essence, it is a horrible pain that i know will happen so i avoid it.
I had to face it head on a few months ago when we met with some old friends wo talked about him (good memories, his death etc). We were in a restaurant and I had to leave to go to the bathroom after about 5 minutes as I could no longer hold the tears in. I spent around 5 minutes in floods of tears in those toilets and couldnt think of anything worse than sitting back down to hours of the conversation. My mum and sister were fine, reminiscing and able to listen and talk. This made me reaslise how far they have come compared to me.
All these little things that the author mentioned i completely identify with..Love to all x
This brought tears to my eyes. It is such a comfort to hear that someone else is having the same feelings that I am. My dad passed away from pancreatic cancer four years ago, but sometimes it feels like it was just yesterday.
Thank you.
Your article was so beautifully written!
My parents had such a strong bond, they loved so strongly. My father passed away of a heart attack 7 years ago at the age of 50. The day my father passed, my mother forgot how to live. She became a shadow of the person she once was, and ultimately died 5 years later as each organ began to fail. Even as I write this a flood of emotions come over me.
I am the oldest of 6 children, and was thrusted into a caregiver role, involving taking over responsibilities of my young teenage brothers and all the woes that involves. I couldn’t be overwhelmed with sorrow, I was needed to be strong and pull the family together. They truly looked to me to determine if this was DO-ABLE. I became their “rock”.
Years have passed, and for the most part we are stronger, and happy. I’m engaged to be married in three months– the happiest time of your life— or so I’ve been told. And yet,…. I find myself crying in the car, and shower, and behind sunglasses. I’ve dreamed of my wedding since I was a little girl, as all girls do. But two very important people are missing… and without them, the fairy tale ending isn’t the same. Every part of the planning process just reminds me of their absence. I feel very alone.
Your article touched me.. Thank you.
Well stated…thank you for sharing you pain and experience with us.
Your story is so true, my dad passed away from suicide 8 years ago and there’s not a day goes past were I don’t think of him It’s coming up to his anniversary and find myself crying over little things that wouldn’t usually bother me, It’s hard to talk to people about it as they don’t understand even though it has been this long it’s still hard to accept at times. holidays and family outings are the worst as my dad was always such a big family man. I can remember it like yesterday and sometimes am scared to forget. He will always be on my mind and miss him everyday.. X
My dad died a little over 4 years ago when I was 16…I still hurt over the loss of my Father. People just don’t understand the impact of losing your father while you are growing up. Not to say it is any easier when you are older, but it definitely has a different and intense impact on your childhood. My grief has grown to be less of an all the time occurrence, but when it does hit me…it is like I am at the hospital all over again saying goodbye. It was nice to read this story and other peoples comments. It makes me feel like I am not alone in feeling the way I do…
I miss my dad so much now. It’s been 38 days. I cried so much last friday I thought I was going to stop breathing. I feel like I’m dying. This is so painful. I hope this get’s easier….. for mom, me , my sister, our husbands and kids…. We love you dad. xoxoxo
RIP Maxamilian Devillefort Costas De Wet 1952-2011. You were really too young to die dad.
This Article is me . It has just gone 10 years since I lost my father. People who have not experienced loss of someone close to them don’t know what it is like . I thank all of you for your comments , it has given me comfort that I am not the only person who feels the way I feel
I am only 21
Thank you
This article felt like i had written it myself. I lost my mum to cancer when I was ten nearly five years ago and its still really hard but its not something I’m always thinking about. But that also scares me because I feel like I’m forgetting her which I don’t want to do. And I also think that no one can say I understand even if they have lost someone as well, because we all lose people in different ways. This helped me know that other people feel the same way I?m feeling thankyou.
I am Filipino. I grew up as an adopted son to a woman when I was left by my biological mother to her. My adopted mother is poor and so I have to try to make a living. At 16 I met this man who took me in, clothed me, fed me and sent me to school. He was a catholic priest and a military chaplain for the U.S. Airforce. I became a Nurse in 1994 and I promised my adopted Dad that I’d take care of him. I never got to move to the U.S. but I managed to get a Job in the U.K. where I now live with my family of 1 son 2 daughters. I visited my adopted father in 2004 with my then 2 children, and I nursed him to health in 2006 when he had a stroke. I love my Dad so much, just as all of us would think that our Dads are the best in the world. In 2005, I named my youngest daughter after him. He moved out of his house and entered into a graduated facility in Southern Pines N.C. Last June 2011 was the last time I spoke to Dad because he called me after being hospitalized for 6 months. I asked him if he would move in with me since I couldnt get to move to the U.S. and so we decided to try find a bigger house for all of us. This 28th of November 2011, I received a letter from a fiduciary that my Father had passed away last October 31st. He had Parkinsons, but succumb to Pneumonia secondary to Urinary tract infection. Its been a month and I had no idea about this. What anguished me are the questions of Why’s and Ifs. Why did I not go to him straight after he recovered from his last illness?. Did he have a hard time while living on his own? He always tells me he is alright when we talked on the phone and that he is well taken care of. I would have always wanted to take care of him more than I take care of the patients I have in the hospital. And here, now I missed that chance because I was too busy making a living. Even if I get answers to my questions, it will not bring back time. Right now, I am devastated and I do not know how or what to think. People around him during his last days didnt have an idea how to contact me. Wether Dad didnt get the chance to tell them or there were too many processes that they have to get thru to get to his contact details. What puzzles me is the fact that if Dad informed the facility that I do exist, why couldnt they have contacted me when he was unwell. But all these questions will remain with me un-answered and will haunt me for the rest of my life. I contacted the church where they officiated his funeral and the secretary to the monsignor told me that Dad passed away peacefully. The secretary of the estate lawyer told me the same. But no one can tell me how Dad was during his last days. I guess it wouldnt matter and they are all trying to appease my pain. I see all your stories, and I am afraid that the pain will never go away. I am afraid to get back to work, that each time I see an elderly person in my line of work, it will tear me apart inside. I never got the chance to demonstrate to my Dad how much I wanted to take care of him. I am reconciling my thoughts to myself, but it will never get resolved until Dad will tell me himself. At night I close my eyes so hard and I try to program myself so I see Dad in my dreams and we will have a conversation. During the day I stare up the heavens and hope I would see his face. I tried so hard to program my brain to create the illusion that he would be there standing and waving at me. But the truth is, he is gone and I will never physically see or hear his encouraging voice ever. I do not know if I will ever heal.
Wow this article describes almost exactly how I feel. My dad died almost a year ago and I actually feel much worse than I did when it happened. I go from optimistic to extremely depressed multiple times a week and I just don’t know when it will end.
The “little things” you wrote about that still stir up your grief are things that I struggle with daily and I really marvel at how accurately and eloquently you described them.
I just hope I can find someone like you who knows these feelings and can relate with me without feeling awkward, afraid, or uncomfortable.
Thank you for taking the time to write down your feelings in such a thoughtful and meaningful way. I hope the best for you and anyone else experiencing this “new life” that just feels wrong in every way.
Having a bad night sleeping thinking about that one missing person I lost all them years ago, and I came across this, it really comforted me, reminded me that I’m not alone. I lost my mum at the age of 7 to a brain tumour, back in 1998. Now at 20 years old, I still struggle to cope with my loss, probably more then I ever did. Becoming a young woman and realising just how much of a huge part your mum plays in your life is the hardest part. My triggers are the song ‘the drugs dont work’ by the verve (regardless of where I am or what I’m doing, this song never fails to make me break down, I got the lyrics ‘the drugs don’t work they make you worse but I know I’ll see you face again tattooed on my to remind me that I will always miss her but hopefully be reunited with her one day), when I see my friends with their mums or they talk about them in a bad way ( you never know what you’ve got til it’s gone!), and the normal Xmas, birthdays etc. One huge one though is my old memory of walking through the market place in my hometown with my mum when I must have been maybe 5 or 6.. Everytime I walk in that Market place I remember every word she said to me like it was yesterday. Its indescribable to someone who hasn’t lost, your article was just so comforting. Thank you x x
It was my bday a few hours ago and even though I should be happy I became consumed with grief something that that happens every now and then.
My mother died suddenly almost 3yrs ago. I was 4m pregnant with her 1st grandchild. We were planning she would come help with the 1st few weeks if the baby but this was never to be. I got a call one day one day that she was in I.C.U and was advised to travvel home immediately(i had relocated to another country few years before).
I got on a flight the next day as I had to sort out certain things with my midwife the day of the call……only I got there too late. Mum passed aw of a brain hemorrhage while I was on my flight home
The days and months that followed have been the hardest of my life. I am the first born with two siblings and felt obligated to put a strong exterior even though I was crumbling inside or maybe because this is what I think mum would have expected of me.
I also stayed strong for the baby growing inside me so as anyone can imagine I really never got to grieve for mum.
I am now pregnant again with my second who is due a month after mums anniversary. Not a single day goes by when I don’t think ofher. She was an exceptional woman,mother and wife whose life evolved around family and what saddens me the most is that she worked very hard and when she was about to start taking it abit easy(her last born was in colllege),she was gone…..at 54.
Besides that I lost my mother,best friend and confidant and its very hard to move on when there are constant reminders around like when her favourite song comes on the radio, when my son looks at the photo on the wall and says there is nana or when am deleting old msgs on my phone and I still can’t get myself to delete the last msg she sent me which was when I went for my scans with my first child and she simply said “am sooo happy….take care”
One thing is for sure, that you never get over the loss of a loved one…..you just learn how to live with it and am still taking one day at a time.
This is a wonderfully written article. I felt as though u were reading my mind. My father passed away 14 years ago and although I constantly think about him, it is the little things that remind me of him. Christmas time is especially hard since he passed away 10 days before Christmas. My first daughter was his little buddy and they spent every weekend together and at Christmas time (at least the 2 they had together) they enjoyed playing with all of the toys my daughter got. My dad’s face would just light up everytime he saw his granddaughter.
A few months ago I had a dream that my dad actually came back. He wasn’t dead all this time but in hiding or witness protection or something similar. It was so hard to wake up and realize that he is gone. I had to relive his passing all over again. That was harder then the first time. I woke up all excited thinking my dad was back and he could see his granddaughters and see all that I have accomplished only to have it all crushed when reality hit.
I don’t think I will over “get over” losing my dad. And I don’t know if it will ever get easier. I do know I hate hurting like this and missing him so much.
I felt tears rolling down as your read your piece. I had just turned ten when my father died. That was thirteen years ago. All these years I have kept telling myself that it will get better, I won’t dampen my pillow as much. That never really happens. Till today I feel the pain as cruelly. I don’t know when I will be able to live with the void.
One day I saw a blind girl with her father at a park. I know it’s very crazy but I almost was jealous of what she had.
I was just a little girl, why did life give me so much grief. Much more than I can handle.
Nobody knows how much a cry. They think that I handled it well.
Wow, this is exactly how I see my own teenager going through her grief after losing her dad 2.5 years ago. I know the triggers, the reactions, the behaviors to a T – and it hurts so much. Knowing that I cannot change it or make it better for her. Watching and feeling helpless as she swallows the pain, sadness and hopelessness again and again. Thank you for putting your words here to help all of us explain the pain…
It’s only been 10 weeks since my dad passed away. I still feel like I’m dying. Christmas and New years was so difficult for me and my sister. I don’t know what we’re going to do because we feel like we can’t deal with this. It is a pain so bad I don’t think it’s ever going to go away. We miss our dad so much.
My dad passed away on the 10th of Dec. I feel like it just happen a few minutes ago. I lost my husband 9 years ago, our kids were in the age group of 15 yrs old down to 4 yrs old. Picture my kids and me right now, I thought losing my husband was very hard, losing my father is harder. Now im in my kids shoes hope for the best. the only thing it will make us stay strong is to get closer to our Heavenly Father. He will bless us with all our needs. i missed my husband and my father so much.
My dad past away last month, I still can believe it and it still hurts…
I cry every night becuase is when I realize that is true…
Everything that you say I can feel it 2
my dad died last nov 2011 but still he is in my heart, head and mind. I wish he was
still here. I can’t remember his last words but we loved each
other. I have talked to him many times without reply,
some people believe in the afterlife. I’m crying now , writing here. I’m just having a sad night. He lives in my heart and head. I believe that’s the
afterlife.
I’m not religious, I wish I could “see” him again but
I can’t. He will always be with me in my mind and heart. It’s taken me ages to write this. Sorry for this , I’m just having a sad moment. Just had to tell you all, just a sad day today
Rasna, I also believe that your Dad lives on in your heart and your head. No one can ever take away the feeling of being loved by him. It is just a thought away. I will never forget how my husband made me feel, nor how he was with my children.
I know how you feel, my dad died unexpectedly when I was 9 six years ago the day after my birthday and even now certain things will make me burst into tears. My friends just tell me to get over and stop being such a baby but it’s not that easy. I’m leaving school in a few months and I really hate that he isn’t going to be there for me when I do. Thank you for writing this, I can really relate and it brings up feelings to those who have lost a parent and to those who haven’t as well.
I know you wrote this article out of pure emotion. I google searched “how to get over the death of a loved one even after its been years” and this article was at the top of the list. I lost my dad in oct. 2008. Iwe were pretty close and it is hard for others to understand how much I cared for him cause I’m not a very affectionate person. I was 26 when he passed. He died of a hospitals mistake and would still be here today if they would have listend to him. I had no clue he was going to die when he did. I turned down a chance to visit him the day he died and regret it still to this day. I can feel yourain when you say little things remind you of him. Othereople that have not lost someone close do not fully understand the pain and agony. It was two months after my dad passed away that my girlfriend and I found out she was pregnant. We had a little boy. He turned two in August last year . Sometimes when he makes different facial expressions I see my dad and it sometimes brings tears to my eyes cause it makes me miss my dad. I love my son to death and just wish my dad could have got to be a part of his life. I feel I will never get over the fact that he is gone. My other two siblings were always close to my mom and I was closer to my dad it seems and I don’t think they realize how bad it still hurts me that he is gone. I know they miss him too but I feel depressed on a regular basis and it seems to be taking a toll on me mentally. I never want to forget anything about my dad but I wish the pain would fade away some. I have been remembering a lot about my childhood lately and my dad for some reason and it has been making me very sad and that’s why I decided to search for any kind of answers or support that I could find. Thank you all for posting such personal stories. I can relate to most all of you and am glad we are not alone.
Thanks so much for the original posts and all the comments. I lost my dad five years ago and I think this has been the worst anniversary. He had a downward spiral at the end of his life–ethically, financially, health wise–and our relationship was strained when he died. I regret so much now, especially the eulogy I gave, which was too short and empty.
I’m so shocked at how, five years later, I jumped back to how I felt when he died, so raw and filled with sorrow. However, after reading all these posts, I feel that these emotions are totally normal and healthy. Thank you all so much.
I stumbled across your site while looking for a poem or something to use as a memoriam for my Dad. This April it will be 20 years! Some days it seems like it was yesterday that he passed and others it seems like I have lived a lifetime without him. Every word you have put down, I have felt. He has been on my mind so much lately and I don’t know why. Usually there are days when he hasn’t even crossed my mind. It’s been so long…………… I still miss him terribly!
I will keep you in my prayers!
I lost my dad jan 20th 2012. This has been the hardest things I have ever had to deal with. I knew someday my parents would pass, but did not realize how strange it would feel. It feels as if that small lump or knot in your stomach will never go away. I dont know how to deal with it, I dont know how to handle it. He was 81 years old, so he lived a long life, but he suffered so much at the end, and there was nothing I could do about it. I had a wonderful 33 years with him and for that I am thankful, but it does not fill this hole I have inside. I try not to cry, I try not to think about it, but its like it just runs up and punches you right in the heart at that strangest moments. I miss you daddy and I will miss you forever….
R.I.P. James Lee Richards 03/19/30- 01/20/12
There was a wonderful life before my father died suddenly from a heart attack when I was 13 years old. And there’s been the life afterwards.
I graduated from college. Had a great job. Made a great deal of money. Had a great family, a wife of 40 years and two wonderful sons.
But in that time since his death I’ve hidden the pain and hurt almost till is was unbearable. Now I’m 66 years old. And time has healed nothing.
Thx 4 everyone’s comments. I had a rough day today of agitation, sadness, and depression. My father died of pancreatic cancer a little over six months ago and his birthday was yesterday. Definitely rough but yesterday I did good but today I’m catching a backlash of grief. I don’t know what to say except that I know this is normal but it sucks so bad. I went to his grave and I’m like really? Really are you under there? I just don’t get it how the body dies and the spirit lives? This mystery got me all screwed up?!
I was fortunate to have had my dad until I was 30. I always knew because of his heart condition we were living on borrowed time but it hurts just the same. He died in 2008 and it still hurts. I was a daddy’s girl and that bond will make me miss him forever. I still have days where I burst into tears when I think about him being gone. I would do anything to pick up the phone and just talk to him. You are right it gets better but it never goes away.