Seven Years Later

By guest writer, Samantha Halle

In the days and weeks following my Dad’s death, countless people told me “it will get easier.” Now, seven years later, I can say that yes, in some ways it has. My Dad’s death is no longer one of the first things I remind myself of when I wake up, nor is it the last thing I think about before I fall asleep; it no longer consumes me.

But, even though it has been 2,655 days, I still miss him.  I still have days and weeks when it’s just as painful as it was seven years ago, and I still have moments that make my head spin. There are several things, in particular, that almost always trigger one of these moments and force me to quite literally say hello to my grief. Here are the main five “little things” that get to me:

Telemarketers
Less than two weeks after my Dad died, I answered the phone only to hear a telemarketer struggling to pronounce my last name as he asked for my Dad. Feeling as if I had been slapped, I quickly hung up. In later calls, my response to the stinging words was a curt, defiant “NO.” About five years ago, one man dared to respond to my “NO” with, “he’s expecting my call. I spoke to him less than a week ago.”  Most recently, my conversation with a persistent telemarketer went like this:

Telemarketer: “Is Mr. Hale there?”   

Me: “No.”

Telemarketer: “When will he be in?”

Me: “He won’t. Please take our name off your list.”

Telemarketer: “Is there a better time I can call back to reach him?”

Me: “Nope.”

Telemarketer: “Uh, ok. I’ll try back another time.”

Me: “Good luck.”

Though telemarketers don’t bother me as much as they initially did, they still get to me sometimes. They serve as just one more reminder that my Dad is gone.

Questions about Family
There are frequently questions when you meet someone new, and based on the majority of my experiences, these questions are typically asked by curious, or trying-to-be-polite, adults. Many adults I babysit for will ask what my parents do for a living, and I always hesitate to consider my answer. 

I typically respond by stating what my Mom does. Still, many adults will complete my answer with “…and your Dad?”

Several years ago I would neglect to mention that he had died and would simply say what he used to do. Now, if necessary, I will quickly add “my Dad died when I was 11.”

Of course, the instant I release these words into the air, I see the change on their face. They quickly try to smooth their stunned expression and mutter an “I’m sorry.” Then, in an almost ironic way, I console them, letting them know that it’s OK—I’m OK. 

Things that mean something more to you
There have been countless occasions when I’m watching a movie or TV show, or listening to a song or story with a friend, when something hits me. A line or situation sticks out, reminding me of my Dad in some way. Suddenly something’s different; there’s a pang of sadness, a feeling of nostalgia, or a flood of bittersweet sentiment.

Sometimes this moment is brief and I bounce back immediately. Other times, I feel the tears rushing to my eyes and am forced to actively remain composed.

Accomplishments
There’s something incredibly bittersweet about accomplishments, knowing that my Dad’s not here to enjoy them with me.

My Dad was the proud, brag-about-your-kids type of guy. He was front and center at every play and recital, and cheering at the end of the pool during each and every swim meet. Now, if I win an award or have something major happen in my life, I have a moment of longing, wishing he could be here to see what I’ve done and know the person I’ve become. 

Time
Hands down, one of the hardest things that has come with losing my Dad is the occasional realization of how much time has passed. Birthdays, holidays, and other milestones are all reminders.

There are days when I feel like it was just yesterday that he died, but other times, I feel as if it has been a lifetime and I can no longer imagine my life with him in it.

There are moments when I must consciously think about how long it has been since he died; it’s as if having him here was a past life of mine—a movie that I’ve watched countless times and memorized but never actually lived.  There are times when I realize that I’m slowly forgetting things I swore I never would and it scares me.  So, I make a concerted effort to replay poignant moments in my mind.

Many people who have not lost someone mistakenly believe that death is something you will “get over.” However, the truth is, I still hurt. Seven years later, it’s not a constant, overwhelming, consuming grief, but the little things, within which grief hides,  that hit me when I least expect it.

37 Comments:

  1. Anonymous said on May 20, 2014 at 7:36 am ... #

    My father died of colon cancer just over two years ago. He battled cancer for almost four years, although it was quite sudden in the end. I felt in a haze during the immediate aftermath – through the funeral and burial – and it was only some weeks later, the grief I was expecting AT the funeral eventually hit me, and I’m only coming to facing up to the loss now. I agree with all the sentiments in this article, especially dates. Birthdays, Christmases – all those.

    My father loved singing – having sung in a choir as long as I could remember – and was always up singing songs at any form of gathering. His interest wasn’t just limited to choral or religious choral music. He’s always comment on music he’d hear on the radio or se eon the TV, so, now every time certain songs come on, they remind me of him. As do smells, sayings, bizarrely un-associated situations that just trigger a memory or feeling.

    And although I feel a lot more tender now than I did at the time of his death, I have no issues discussing with illness and death and life with people. It’s not as if I actively encourage it, but certainly don’t run away from discussing it and am quite happy to do so if asked.

  2. Jenny said on May 31, 2014 at 12:45 am ... #

    My Father died of Cancer 3 year ago he was 69 years. We battled cancer for over 3 years and although it was tough times we where able to enjoy good times as well, the cancer end up on his brain at the end, so it change his personality an it made it difficult-ed for him. I have realize that since he has pass I have not been the same, always going through ruff patches first feeling so much anger towards him, not been able to even visiting the cemetery even up-to today because of he pain that it produce me. I see my sisters and they have made their peace, I wish I could feel the same peace and no more pain. I just know that I love dearly and I just don’t want to let go.

  3. ryan greve said on June 2, 2014 at 12:42 am ... #

    It has been almost 6 years sence my dad died &I fell the same way that u fell the exact same way I would love to talk to u

  4. Courtney said on June 16, 2014 at 3:24 am ... #

    Today is fathers day and I couldn’t’ help but feel sad and angry, 14 years later. My dad passed when I was almost 10 and now I am 24. It was ok for a few years, it seemed as if I would be alright. As I begin to try and date, I graduated college, got my own place…I realize more and more that he will never be here to see any of it. I will never see him again. It is just incredibly frustrating. I thought I was done grieving but years later I find myself feeling that same lost, hopeless feeling. every word you wrote here looks exactly like something I wrote. You are not alone I feel comforted to know I am not alone in these feelings <3

  5. Anonymous said on June 23, 2014 at 9:04 pm ... #

    I feel like this story is my story. My dad died when I was 10 nearly 8 years ago. Everything you meantioned and all the little thngs is exactly how I am. Thank you for sharing you story so I know that it’s not just me still feeling it today after all this time.

  6. Anonymous said on June 30, 2014 at 4:35 am ... #

    15 years ago I lost my dad
    6/30/1999 still had a couple good anniversaries
    This one really??? The memories just flood my bipolar brain. Therefore I must have a drink for you dad . ………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

  7. Chris said on July 31, 2014 at 3:45 am ... #

    6 years ago tomorrow is the anniversary of my fathers death i was 9 and it has gotten to the point where i will go for long periods of time where i will forget what i am missing and so it doesn’t bother mean, and there are several reasons for that one, usually kids especially boys don’t real bound until there late childhood years and so i never really built that connection with him that would have haunted me for a life time. (don’t get me wrong when i was young i idolized my father like any other kid but it is not the same relationship that it would be now at the age of 15). Another reason as well as the main reason i rarely get overcome with emotions is because in all reality i have absolutely no respect or good feelings for my father because his means to an ends where his own and so he willingly left a family behind. And understand he probably was in a very dark place because i have been close to that place just because when you are lost and the person you so often looked to for wisdom is gone, taking the easier route just seems easier. But as i move away from that day that changed my life those horrible thoughts as well as the feelings of despair gradually disperse. and it really did change my life i would not be anything like i am today, both good and bad, for instance i will often act obnoxious and goofy, and in class i am the kid that brings the class down laughing which would not happened had that happened because before my dads passing i was a very big nerd which in all respects is not a bad thing but for me now it is certainly not something i would ever want to be again. my ties to my family outside of my immediate is very strong because my family went out of the way to become my support system. So the one thing that has always helped me through my pain and grief has been looking at all the things that would be different with my life it is hard but i guarenttee that if anyone who has suffered a loss like mine or any at all, at least one of the results from your situation will or has made your life different in some positive way

  8. Meredith said on August 4, 2014 at 2:31 am ... #

    Hi, my name is meredith and four years ago when I was 11 my dad died. Today it hit me again and I can’t stop crying. I am only 14 and I am so sorry because I know what you went through. My mom and sister are very supportive but I don’t like to talk about it because I just start crying. Two years ago, I was sitting with my friend at school, painting a picture on the anniversary of his death and I started to tear up. She asked what was wrong and then explained to me that she misses him too. My grade 5 teacher gave newspapers to everybody in my class when my dad was in it. I wasn’t at school that day, but when I came back, I didn’t really talk to anyone for a while. I would sit in my desk and in the middle of a lesson just get up and sit in the hall because I couldn’t stand everyone starting at me. I am so, so sad but I hope it will get better.

  9. Anonymous said on August 5, 2014 at 8:33 pm ... #

    My Dad died when I was 12 and I’m 19 now. I couldn’t express my feelings any better than you have here; it’s like you’ve written down all of the thoughts that pass through my head. Most of the time I’m fine, but sometimes I’m still consumed by that empty feeling inside and can’t talk to anyone about it. This article has just helped me realise that I’m not alone. Thank you.

  10. Peter Wilson said on August 19, 2014 at 7:06 pm ... #

    This is exactly the way I feel, though saying that my Dad only died a week and 4 days ago, Im just so sad of thought of his passing, I just still can’t believe it! I’m 23, he was 67 my parents divorced when i was 6, and I moved with mum brother and sister to England and I never saw him that much after that for a few years.. Probably 7 or so years after that. I heard from him on the odd occasion now and again but didnt see him many years later. the past 6 years though I had seen him every year nearly and this year I spent a month with him with my Fiancé so i can be happy in the fact he met her and we shared a month all together this year. But it just saddens me he’s gone. He Died of a heart attack and he was a very healthy person so it shocked everyone, His wife was down stairs at the time and didnt know until she came up to see why he was silent and there we go… I couldn’t believe it when my mum called me to tell the news.. I chucked my phone away from my ear trying not to believe it and just ran away from the room with my fiancé just trying to console me until i stopped to try and realise what i had just heard. This has been the toughest part of my life so far and its something which ill greive about like everyone does. His Funeral is in Canada and my brother and sister have gone to it. I, Myself just feel I can memoralize his passing with my fiancé going to a church near by and having a meal with her and enjoying one of my dads favourite deserts (Tirimasu) Canda is a expensive trip from the UK and I know my dad would respect my choice. Its just hard knowing he wouldnt be there to greet me at the airport holding his camera like always taking a picture on seeing us arrive (Which has only just hit me now). Sorry but i feel talking about it helps me. Its just very hard right now, I try not to show it to others, its just hard when i have my alone moments thinking that this has happened my father has died of a heart attack..

    I hope he’s up there watching over me, and even though i’m agnostic. I really hope i may even one day see him again and give him a huge hug.

  11. Candice said on August 27, 2014 at 3:35 am ... #

    I miss my dad so much. I think about him all the time. Today is going to be so hard because I can’t handle my birthday without him. Oh daddy if only you knew how much I miss you. I miss your laugh, your voice, hugging you and holding your hand. Is this ever going to get easier? I wish I could turn back time. I hope you’re okay and that you’re happy. I love and miss you so much (we all do) xoxoxo 🙂

  12. Miranda said on September 28, 2014 at 2:55 pm ... #

    Thank you so much for writing this. I have never lost a loved one and have no idea how it feels. My boyfriend of 3 years lost his Dad 10 years ago just 2 days ago and I had no idea how to react and to be frank I thought he handled it poorly. I didn’t think 10 years would be any different than the 8 and 9 year anniversaris we had already experienced together. Reading this has really opened my eyes and helped me understand so thank you so much.

  13. Deanna Rachel said on October 11, 2014 at 9:12 am ... #

    What a terrific, well written article, I lost my mom suddenly and feel the same way. Somedays I can cope with it and somedays I’m in pain. I don’t have any siblings and My mom was my best friend, sister and My guide. I missed her love and her smile and I know my life never gonna be the same but I know she can see me even though I can’t see her.I LOVE seeing her in My dreams. I really hope that we’ll be able to see our loved ones again someday and My Dad and I will have the gratest day on that day. 🙂 I LOVE you loads and missed you so bad dear mom. You’re my best friend and bestest mom on this world for me. *sends hugs and kisses to heaven*

  14. Melanie said on October 16, 2014 at 2:38 pm ... #

    Thank you. I found this at just the right moment.

  15. UNKNOWN said on November 1, 2014 at 3:58 am ... #

    I lost my dad 6 years ago, it was terrible. I was only 15 and he fell off the roof of my house, I am not OVER it. I hate holidays, I never want to get married & I now that i am 1 year from graduating with my bachelors I don’t want to walk without my dad being there. It seems like all over again,a I HATE SUCESS, its a bittersweet moment per say. I am a very successful person in school & will be applying to medical school in 2 years… but the feeling of doing everything without having him sucks.. I hate and cry at times when i forget how he looks, i mean i know how he looks, but im forgetting little details like his hands or how tall he was. it sucks, i have came to a conclusion that maybe now after 6 years I am depressed and i don’t know how to deal with this

  16. MJ said on November 8, 2014 at 7:01 am ... #

    I AM SO GLAD I FOUND THIS , I LOST BOTH OF MY PARENTS MONTHS APART, MY DAD THREEE YEARS AGO AND MY MOM 2 YEARS AGO, HE DIED IN OCTOBER AND SHE DIED THE FOLLOWING JULY, THEY WERE MARRIED 58 YEARS,, I AM THE YOUNGEST OF FIVE ,AM SINGLE AND FEEL SO LOST W/OUT THEM… I THINK WITH THE HOLIDAYS COMING I CAN FEEL MYSELF SLIPPING BACK INTO DEEP GRIEVING…. NO ONE LIKES TO TALK ABOUT DEATH OR GRIEVING, THERE ARE SO MANY PEOPLE WHO ARE MOURNING AND THEY STRUGGLE EVERY DAY.. FOR A WHILE A FELT BETTER BUT I FEEL SO BAD LATELY, IFINALLY REALIZE THEY ARE GONE,,,, I DRIVE BY OUR OLD HOUSE, SO STRANGE NOT TO PULL IN THE DRIVEWAY AND GO IN ,,, CAN ANYONE TELL ME IF THIS IS NORMAL AFTER A FEW YEARS,,,, THINKING I NEED TO GO BACK TO GRIEF COUNSELING,I AM NOT THE SAME PERSON , MY HEART IS SO HEAVY
    WISHING PEACE , COMFORT AND PRAYERS TO EVERYONE OUT THERE WHO IS STRUGGLING…

  17. Sophie said on November 21, 2014 at 7:14 pm ... #

    I lost my dad when I was 4 years old due to a car crash on the motorway when he was just 24 on the 3rd January 2001. A shit start to the new year. When he died, despite the fact I was young, I felt as though my world had just collapsed all around me. He left me, my mum and my younger brother behind and the pain doesn’t go away. Every night I think of him and some nights, I will cry myself to sleep because I miss him so much. Even if I am at my boyfriends house – he’ll fall asleep, I’ll think of my dad and cry, but I refuse to talk to my boyfriend about it. He doesn’t even know I do it. When people say how I remind them of my dad, I have to try and hold the tears back. My mum has brought me and my younger brothers up ever since he died on her own and has done a bloody great job if I do say so. She is my world and inspiration. She says she still thinks of him as he was her first love and still imagines what life would be like if he were still here despite the fact she is unhappily married to my asshole of a stepdad.

    I think what I’m trying to say is that the pain never goes away – I am now 18 years old and am still struggling with the grief but trying to get on with my life as I know that is what he would want. I still miss him terribly.

  18. Jim said on December 7, 2014 at 3:45 am ... #

    The story you just told really hits the mark, i’m still not used to my father’s passing, i recently lost him this year just after Chinese New Year and my graduation… And i’m 21 years old, i was all of a sudden, and because of that, i’m now carrying the burden of what he used to do, take care of the family…there are so many things i didn’t tell him yet, i wanted him to bring me to the casino, i wanted him to watch me get married, i wanted him to hold his grandchildeen, i juat wanna tell him of how much i appreciate and am so lucky that he was my father, my mom and my brother also missed him too, and i don’t even have a friend to consult to…

  19. Sean said on December 8, 2014 at 5:32 pm ... #

    I lost my mother to A.LS I watched the one person who loved me unconditional I m not a child talking about it makes want to jump out the window what to do Lord what to do ?

  20. Samuel said on December 15, 2014 at 7:15 pm ... #

    Hi Samantha,
    Thanks for the article. I read it in tears. Lost my mom 5 years ago and
    I can relate to the feeling of the it just happening yesterday. Take care.

  21. Darren said on December 30, 2014 at 10:30 pm ... #

    Your lucid story really hit home for me. I lost my Dad just over a year ago, he was 66, and he died of pneumonia, something I still tell myself could’ve been avoided somehow.

    Like you it’s the little things that affect me badly. Like you my Dad made it clear he was proud of my accomplishments in life, sadly they were mostly superficial things like nice cars etc. I still get quite upset just thinking that he’ll never see me getting married, or having a child. I cry, like now, just thinking of what his reaction would’ve been, or what he might’ve said about it. It eats at me that I’ll never be able to share things that a son should share with his Dad. I’d have liked for him to know before he passed that his family name would live on beyond me.

    I keep telling myself that he would’ve suffered if he had been able to pull through this time (he already had a poor quality of life thanks to COPD from a lifetime of smoking), but I can’t stop myself selfishly wishing he was still alive, just so I could cope. I would give everything I have for that.

    The little things really crush my soul. I’ll walk around a supermarket and spot something he used to really like to eat, or something he might’ve bought for me as a surprise, and it’s like I’m being crushed. Every time I walk to the supermarket at work I’ll remember conversations I would have with him (this is when I would always call him to get av update on his day).

    People say that it gets better with time, but I think time just makes it possible for you to forget for longer periods. As soon as something happens to remind me of him, it’s like it’s the week after it happened.

    My heart aches for all of you that have been through this as well, as I know how horrible it really is.

  22. Rhi Rhi said on January 15, 2015 at 5:29 pm ... #

    I agree as well. I never really knew my ,dad. He left when I was little and my whole life I dreamed of him coming home. He never did. I spoke to him on the phone once a year. I was turning in a few months so my wish was that he would come over to England when I turned double digits. He died a few months before my birthday. At the time I didn’t know how to react. But as the years go on it gets worse. No one ever gave me sympathy, no one cared. A year later the grandad I met twice died, along with a lot more family members along the years. I have become slightly immune to the deaths of family members, but whenever I see someone else being comforted during bereavement I go all depressed and it takes days to return to reality. Writting this is slightly putting me back into depression. I cant stop the tears.I never felt love or support when I needed it most at the age of 9, and 7 years later I am just damaged. Please support children when they are going through a family death. It can psycologically affect them!

  23. Eugene said on January 18, 2015 at 2:32 am ... #

    Things seem normal in the most part until that moment when there is that one thing the takes you back to the memories of your long lost loved ones. Most of the time for me it is a song that I may hear on the radio, tv or computer. A song that I may have heard while I was with my dad. Once that happens I feel real down and all sorts of thoughts over flood my mind. I get quiet and people start noticing the look on my face and realizing how distant I become. Then evenually it all goes away.

  24. Kimberly F said on January 19, 2015 at 8:22 pm ... #

    It has also been just over 7 years since my Dad passed. I no longer attend church on Father’s Day.
    It’s hard to know how I’m supposed to feel after many years, but I still puddle up if someone mentions Dad, and while the moment doesn’t last as long, it always happens.

  25. Marie Vertigan said on February 25, 2015 at 1:56 pm ... #

    My beloved Dad passed away five years ago and I still hurt from the loss. I think of him quite a few times a day and find a way to speak of him with others that seems to keep him alive for me. A good friend once told me that people told him that it will get better as time passes; he said to me don’t believe them as it gets worse.In a lot of ways that is true, I no longer just break down and cry a lot, I have tears on special occasions or when speaking about him to close family members. I kept some of his shirts and wear them to feel close to him at times. I guess once you loved someone so much you never have them out of your mind and because I am a physical part of him he is always with me.

  26. Ace said on February 26, 2015 at 5:09 pm ... #

    I lost my dad a year and a half ago,which was one month before my birthday. he was 50 and I was 23, I enjoyed reading your article because is can relate too it so much especially the little things or words that trigger strong memories of him……Thank you

  27. WB said on February 26, 2015 at 5:22 pm ... #

    I feel your grief and hurt in a very well written and heartfelt letter. I lost my Dad 30 years ago and my Mother 38 years ago. I am close to sixty now but I can tell you that there are times that I will have a dream about chatting with either parent and wake up with tears rolling down my cheek and I have to shake it off. Recently an old friend sent me some old movies from the early sixties that had both my parents in them and they looked so young and healthy and happy. I saw a couple of sequences with me standing beside my dad and I went back in time…wishing I could find that time machine to take me back if but for a few minutes. They made me cry too. So, grieving is a life long process, normal which you manage better as time goes on…but in my case, no, it never really goes away. You have to accept that is part of our humanity. I wish you well in life and know that if your Dad were with you today he would always be proud of you…and somewhere, “out there” he is proud of you. God bless you and keep you.

  28. madi said on March 1, 2015 at 10:16 pm ... #

    I’m only 16, but my dad passed away on January 9th, 2013. It all seemed like a dream, and for a while I refused to accept that it had actually happened. I have moments where I think i am doing better, but then I just hit another wall. I think of the future and I don’t want to live in it without my dad. He was the greatest person and my life will never be the same without him. Life sucks, and hopefully it will get better, and i will stop hitting walls.

  29. Aviva Kolotinsky said on March 6, 2015 at 5:03 pm ... #

    Wow what a powerful story. I lost my father in 1997 when I was 27 years old, yet I felt like I was twelve years old all over again.It doesn’t matter how old you are, or how long ago it has been these are our parents and life will never be the same as you once knew it when you lose a parent that you were so close to.

  30. Kim said on March 7, 2015 at 7:14 pm ... #

    My mom died 5 years ago this year, because it is a “milestone” year I am having an extremely emotional time dealing with it, crying at the drop of a hat. My mom was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis when I was 17-she was 37. She had chronic progressive MS which meant by the time she was 50 she was in a wheelchair and lost the use of her hands. Her life ended at 67 with her lungs giving out having lived full-time in a chronic care floor at the hospital with a feeding tube and tracheotomy to suction her lungs out. At the time dealing with it even having her on life support twice you live in the moment. I believe I have been in a state of denial and shock for five years and only now I am dealing with the horror of her life as it was. Because I was a young adult when she was diagnosed I feel very much I lost my mom at that age. She was bedridden so I could not go shopping with her, talk on the phone (though I did visit often) and other things many girls get to do with their moms. I am going to see if there is grief counselling or help of that sort as I did not properly grieve her death and there is a tremendous amount of guilt. Thank you for letting me share my story even as I cry and write this is does help. God bless everyone in their grief.

  31. rob said on March 21, 2015 at 8:16 pm ... #

    Lost my dad 9 years ago and yer time does help but recently after i now have 2 prefect Lil boys I seem to be hurting more. How unfair life can be! He never got to meet his grandson n they gonna miss out on ever knowing him.

  32. mark said on March 23, 2015 at 4:28 am ... #

    when my dad was dying of cancer my dad said to me mark ill come back for you. beleave me i wish he would im so unhappy being here we lived togeather in the same house for 45 years
    he was everything to me friend dad i loved him and badly miss him
    im so unhappy all the time im 46 now lost my home just over a year ago renting a place at the moment hate being here want to go home , i couldent think straght when i lost dad , thay made me sell my home wish i could turn the clock back just fed up been on my own ive just lost my way cant find happieness where ever i am there so much more i want to talk about but i get board very quick not very good with pen to paper. i just want to get on with my life ive been through a lot and i mean a lot i was my dads full time carea and for you out there if you know what that means its 24 hours a day 7 days a week when the love of you life is dying in front of you it drains you. dad died in my arms at home . mark

  33. mark said on March 31, 2015 at 7:56 am ... #

    i so desperately want to move on but keep dreaming of dad im 46 years old nearly 47 my life is shattered cant get settled i can buy a house but have no enthusiasm where to look or what i want im a single man massively hurting and lonely dad was my world to me mum wont talk to me over 20years now dident like her boyfriend never will iv had no support from family at all JUST MY FRIENDS

    I DO READ OTHER STORYS AND MY HEART GOES OUT TO YOU WHO EVER YOU ARE BECAUSE I KNOW WHAT REAL PAIN FEELS LIKE.

  34. Mark G said on March 31, 2015 at 10:46 am ... #

    I am a 61 year old son of a wonderful man, a father and friend. He passed 3 years ago and i find myself crying everyday..

  35. Liza said on April 10, 2015 at 4:38 pm ... #

    Its small comfort to read all the stories. My father died when I was 16. I mourned him for years until I was around 50. I could not get over his death and thought about him every day. My siblings ‘moved on’ – even my mother did, although she never remarried. My mother died 3 weeks ago aged 92 and I’m numb. Part of me is angry as I feel I’ve been in mourning most of my life. I know anger is also part of grief but now, at 55 years, I need closure for the time I have left.

  36. jgvette66 said on April 12, 2015 at 4:05 am ... #

    Mark,
    Your words touched me so much and there is so many similarities with my Dad who truly was my best friend. This May 8th will have been 4 years since his unexpected passing at 64 years ol6d. I loved him so much.
    Take care, Jim

  37. Dave said on April 20, 2015 at 3:44 am ... #

    ….Yes…grief what a piece of life that makes us feel the very essence of humanity. My father passed 4 years ago and yes…I still feel the pangs. As I sat holding him at his hospital bedside watching him struggle for breath, I said all the intimate things he would never allow me to say. How I loved him…didn’t hate him…and that he was my hero. He was in so much pain I found myself saying a prayer for the angels to take him……even though I “wanted to keep him here”
    After the prayer, within minutes he died.

    My father was not the “best father” But he was sincerely in his heart being the best he could be and I loved him. Sadly it was not possible for him to surmount emotional issues he carried from childhood. As I tearfully watched him pass away there was a strange enlightenment that I had become the adult and he the child. It was the realization that he let life beat him down and lived all these years without really living. This lesson I have done my best to learn from him. Yes…I miss his bad humor….car stories…and just sitting watching a movie with him. I especially miss the one moment in life when he broke into tears and I truly saw him for who he was inside. And yes I still have moments when I tear up and cry missing him. What always remains is the struggle for acknowledgment and validation that never arrived in life and now that he’s gone will never come. To add to this my brother in-law, who was more like my big brother, was dying of cancer. It is very surreal to be at a funeral grave-site knowing the one standing beside you, will be in the grave beside your father within 30 days.

    Yes Mark… I can only imagine your pain. I’ve had a divorce from someone I truly loved…lost my house…lost my car…lost my job and all my savings. I crashed…HARD……I also managed to pick up the pieces only to be hit HARD again. Blew out a disc in my back and almost never walked again (8 months in rehab)….lost my career and ended up having to alter career direction..at age 41.
    I’ve been hit by lightning once…..managed to keep my right arm after a sheet of glass slashed it open (I did lose one artery though)…..survived a head on car crash…. And YES this is all true…somewhere I have an angel.
    We don’t get to pick how things turn out. Or do we?

    Mark…Life is about the fight….the Universe never gives us more than we can deal with. The fact that you were chosen to be in your dad’s life is a sign of strength. What would your father say to you at this moment and would he want you to feel this way. Honor him and carry his legacy on with pride.
    Every time I feel the grief I remind myself that it’s only “me” who is feeling it “not him” and that I’m just upset because I can’t have “what I want”….which is to have him back.
    I still catch myself doing, saying and having mannerisms from my dad (even if I don’t like some of them)
    You are a piece of your father…..he is always with you……….

    Define and start asking for what you want out of life…..It’s not easy….life and pain is a process.
    As a finishing note….I’ve struggled with the grief and depression…. picked up the pieces….now happily married…own a house/car and “again” gone back to school to shift careers at the age of 54.

    You can too.
    Your not alone….wishing you the best. (my heart goes out to you)

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