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By guest writer Catherine Tidd
Don’t you think dating is kind of like standing on a ledge? You sweat, hoping that that bungee cord we call karma is gonna hold? Now, some of us aren’t afraid of heights and we’re ready to take the plunge. Some of us take one look at the view (which looks just fine without the addition of our innards splattered below, thank you very much) and step away. And some of us are standing on the ledge, with the cord on, but need a friendly push from a well-intentioned friend who we may be mad at while we’re swinging but once we’re on firm ground we’ll give them a big ol’ hug.
Push.
I don’t want anyone reading this post to think that I am insensitive to the fact that some people just aren’t ready. I know that and I completely respect it. But sometimes I just think that many people don’t think there are any other good fish in the sea.
So, let’s think of it like this: If you’ve cast your line before…what are the chances you caught the only good fish?
I won’t deny that during the dating process sometimes we just come up with that smelly boot. But every once in awhile, we hook on to a keeper. I understand that some people don’t want to put themselves out there, don’t want to invest themselves anymore. They don’t feel like there is anyone who will understand what they’ve been through and accept them for it. Shoot…I remember thinking, “What if I meet someone and we’re talking and I…start crying???”
Well, given the number of people in the world…what are the chances of you dating that one person who has led a perfect life?
Being where we are…it’s been hurtful. We’ve all been through transitions with relationships in our lives. Our friendships have changed…how we interact with our families has changed. But I’m betting that most of these changes really haven’t been so bad. Oh sure, the transition from who you thought your friends were to who you really bond with was excruciating.
But now that you’ve been through it…isn’t it better?
You’ve found the people you can most be yourself with. You can let your “freak flag fly” as they say in The Family Stone (I love that movie). And because of that, even if your friendships are fewer, they’re more meaningful. They’re deeper. Those friends who have weathered the storm with you will always be there. Those friends who couldn’t…well…I hope you’ve come to the level of acceptance that that’s their problem, not your’s.
And those new friends you have made…they know who you really are and accept you for all of it. And they love you even though you’re yourself (sorry…there’s laughing in my head right now).
So…what makes you think it would be different in a new romantic relationship? Who’s to say that the new you might find something even more meaningful and even deeper than what you had before? Because you’re there…that’s you now.
And if you hook something you don’t want…throw it back and cast again.
I hear so many people say that what they had was perfect. That they lost their soulmates and that they will never find that again. And you know what? I’m not going to argue with that. If that’s the relationship you had, you’re right. That’s rare. But it was rare before you found it. And you still found it.
Here’s a thought.
If that person was your soulmate then and now you’re a different person (I think most of us have agreed on that)…who’s to say you won’t find the soulmate for the person you’ve become?
I think that’s the closest to Algebra I’ll ever come in my adult life. I’ll let you digest that one for a minute.
The truth is, I’ve changed so much that even if my husband met me NOW I don’t know if he’d even ask me out. I’m more independent. I’m more direct. And my sense of humor has taken a downward turn into the land of Sick and Wrong.
So…if I’m different…why would I expect to find the same relationship? Shouldn’t I expect to find someone who can handle the “new” me? Why would I want to find the exact same man, who was perfect for who I was, but may not fit the person I’ve become? And couldn’t that person just be floating out there…waiting for a hook?
Waiting…for me.
By guest writer Catherine Tidd, view more of her writings at http://widowchick.blogspot.com
8 Comments:
I think I’m ready, but I’ve been out of circulation so long (over 30yrs) that I don’t have a clue where to start. I live in a very small town with very few eligible men. I do work in a large town 60 miles from home,but am only there during work hours and don’t know anyone there outside of work. And when I last dated, nearly every man I knew was still single. This is no longer a given. How do I get started?
Jan–
Well, I hate to say this…but I had the best luck with internet dating. I started doing that because a lot of my other widowed friends were and they had had success. Like you, I wasn’t in the position to meet a lot of eligible men, so I had to be a little more proactive. I kind of liked it, because their profile was right in front of me so better than just meeting a stranger at a bar or something, I already knew a little bit about them. And then you can take it as slow as you want to from there. I will say…I had (overall) a pretty good experience. For the most part, everyone was honest and I really looked at it as just a chance to meet new people. I didn’t go into it with the mindset that I was definitely going to meet THE ONE…more just enjoying going out to dinner with another adult.
I think it’s very important before you start dating to understand what it is that YOU want. Do you want something more casual? Are you looking for a serious relationship? Are you wanting to just play the field to figure out what you REALLY want? I find that when you know the answer to that question, you take control of the situation and have a healthier attitude about it. I don’t know if this helps you at all, but it worked for me! :>)
Best of luck to you! If you want to check out the page I started on Facebook (Widow Chick) we talk about dating a lot…especially in chats. It’s kind of fun!
Catherine
Catherine, I just found this website today. Your words expressed exactly how I felt about my husband. I really do believe we had the perfect relationship. It’s very early for me yet. My husband just passed away in November of 2009. I have a 6 year old and a 3 month old. He had pancreatic cancer for 3 years and was only 35 when he passed. I hope you don’t think I’m being insensitive to even think about the topic of dating. Sometimes I feel guilty for the thought popping into my head even though I know what my husband and I discussed. The bottom line is…I’m lonely. I have my girls whom I adore and I’m surrounded by terrific friends and family. However, each night I go to bed alone. Of course I would rather have my husband next to me, but I obviously can’t. Thanks for expressing everything I’ve been thinking. I think it will help me for when I am ready
Of COURSE I don’t think you’re insensitive! As women, we are usually planners and as mothers…even more so. I don’t know about you, but I always want to know what happens next! I want to know that we will land on our feet, that I won’t be alone forever, and that whomever I find will be a good fit for my family. It’s natural to wonder about these things.
The first date I went on was only a few months after my husband died. My feelings of guilt…well…I felt HORRIBLE and not one person made me feel better about it. Now that I think back on it, I think, “Why shouldn’t I have dated? WHY would I want to be alone?”
So many people fluctuate back and forth between being ready and not. I think the most important thing you have to figure out in the beginning is…what do YOU want? Are you looking for someone to just hang out with and go to dinner? Are you looking for a more serious relationship? Are you looking to get married again? Once you know the answer to that (and that could change weekly!) you’ll be more capable of handling whatever dating situations present themselves.
We’ve all been through so much. Why wouldn’t we want to be happy again? I applaud you for even considering it. You’re being honest with yourself and your situation!
Thank you for your comment! Also…I just posted this blog today. Maybe it might help? (And not all of my writing is dating specific…I DO branch out sometimes!!! :>))
http://widowchick.blogspot.com/2010/08/be-patient-loveim-trying-to-make-some.html
Best of luck to you! Hope to hear from you again!
Catherine, thanks for getting back to me. Since I read your article on Wednesday I’ve logged onto your blog and have been trying to back read all of your entries. I love everything you have to say because you are putting into words everything that has gone through my head. It’s so good to hear someone else feels the same exact things I do. I haven’t finished all of your entries yet but I loved the wedding ring one. I am still wearing mine. I can’t bear to take them off yet and I still feel married. I’ve told myself that I atleast want to wait wear them until his first anniversary. I just got through our first wedding anniversary without him here and that was not so easy. Ours was also in July. However, I am one of the lucky ones that have a good relationship with my in-laws. Honestly, I don’t think I could have gotten through his three year struggle without them and it brought us all closer. I can’t wait to read more of your entries and I thank you for getting back to me. JoAnna
hello
What if I meet someone and we’re talking and I…start crying???”I’m so lonely my husband passed away Oct 5 2011, and I miss him so much we use to hold hands everynight when we went to sleep I miss his hands and I am scared no terified of holding another mans hands,,,,, then I read
:Here’s a thought.
If that person was your soulmate then and now you’re a different person (I think most of us have agreed on that)…who’s to say you won’t find the soulmate for the person you’ve become?
Wow!!! these are the words I wish I had thought of …cause I feel every day every min.. I am becoming a different person ,
Always thought serious relationship but never thought about more casual relationship mmmm food for thought… waht I do know is I miss being helded… thanks look forward to more