Hello Grief

Losing a spouse or partner brings not only grief, but also a host of new responsibilities around the house, and with the children. Tasks that once had the benefit of two adults are now your sole responsibility. This can be extremely challenging and overwhelming.

While friends and family want to help, they don’t know what to do. They need your permission to help, and guidance on how. When looking at your support network, it is important to recognize that not all people feel comfortable (or are good at) offering the same types of support.

Some people are good listeners and want to hear your story, share your memories, concerns, and fears over and over again. These are important people to have available, as talking through these issues is essential to your grief journey.

Some people  are doers; they come in, take charge and get things done. They may feel uncomfortable talking about emotions, or hearing about your grief, but they are your best resource when the lawn needs mowing, the gutters need cleaning, or the kids need a ride to school.

Some people are good for respite. They may not be good when it comes to talking about the heavy stuff, nor may they be the ‘doers’ in your life, but they’re the ones that always make you laugh! They’re the people that take your mind off your worries, give you a break from your grief, and give you permission to have fun.

It is important to recognize which friends and family fall into each category. Asking a doer to listen, or a lister to be a respite person, and so on, will become uncomfortable for those trying to support you. This discomfort  could potentially push people away. Whereas, if you can put the right people in the right roles, where your friends/family can thrive in their support, you will have a stronger support network around you, helping you in your life after loss.

Activity: Assigning Roles
Here is a simple activity to identify which members of your support network fall into each category. Write down the names of the people you can count on for support – consider friends, family, church members, co-workers, fellow parents, neighbors, etc.

Place the following letters next to each person’s name to represent their strengths, and the ways they may be able to help. You can give more than one letter to each name.

L= Good Listeners
(People who never seem to get tired of listening when you need to talk)

D= Doers
(People who take charge and enjoy actively doing things to help out)

R= Respite
(People who are fun to be around, make you laugh, and help take your mind off of things)

If there are friends that are hard to “categorize,” give them options on how to help – “come over for dinner to chat, or come by mid-afternoon and we’ll do some yard work together.”

You also may discover that some people on your list end up with more than one letter. While these are valuable people to support you, avoid relying too heavily on any one person for fear of burnout.

Consider your list regularly, and make a point to reach out to different people for different types of support based on the category within which they fall. Tap into your entire network – trust that those closest to you want to help in their own unique way, but need your guidance on exactly what to do.